I want to start off by saying that I am not looking for sympathy or pity, simply stating what I have done and am unsure of where to go from here.
Simply put, I was emotionally abusive to my ex-partner. I was controlling, I did manipulate him at times, every date night got sexual because I felt like it was the only way that I could be loved. I would blame shift and invalidate his feelings. When we were good, man… we were amazing. The lows were so bad and I caused us to be there. I would start arguments for no reason, they’d have no resolution. I would bring up the past, even though it was clear he was trying so hard to atone for what he had done to hurt me initially. I only thought negatively and it truly brought him down with me. During arguments, I would ask him “why don’t you just leave me then?” realizing it now, it was manipulative to say that. I used my mental health and my past traumas, experiences, whatever that may be, to justify my reactions and my feelings. I would be passive aggressive, make jokes like “it must have been your other girlfriend.” I made him walk on eggshells. I disrespected his boundaries. I was jealous. I made the relationship a safe space for myself and the only way I knew how to do that, was control. I am not proud of that, of any of this. I didn’t want to hurt him and I didn’t want to control him at all, not intentionally. I wanted things to be harmonious but as soon as everything felt okay, it freaked me out and I created chaos. I never ever wanted to hurt him, I loved him. I have a lot of childhood trauma, yes. I have had a lot of traumatic relationships, yes. That is no excuse to bleed on someone that has not cut you. We had an issue with him being honest and transparent. The exact moment that triggered my behavior was when I found an opened condom wrapper in his drawer. I told him I could move on and I tried to. I did work on my controlling behavior, because I had been controlled before, I knew how it felt. We argued all the time about the condom. I don’t want to hurt someone like that again, but I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to begin getting better. I am in therapy, I was in therapy throughout our whole relationship. I try to journal but I don’t really know where to start with that either.

(CONTEXT) My Wife (24 -F- 150LBS) Has always been a healthy person, doesn't smoke, doesn't drink over occasionally. However she has always dealt with allergies. A couple years ago had even done needle pin point allergy testing. They had put her on a few Inhalers but she tried not to use them as she felt they didn't work. This past month and a half in our 6 years of being together, is the first time I've seen her cough in this constant manner. For context, The beginning of April to beginning of May of 2024, she had gotten sick with a severe common cold 2-3 times in the span of a month and a week. The first time resulted in needing antibiotics non-insulin (allergic) to get over the cold as she was severely coughing and sinus issues. She was healthy only for a week then sick again, when she got sick the second time she had to go onto antibiotics a second time for an ear infection that resulted in a bursted ear drum. Eventually the cold went away but the coughing didn't and then transitioned into allergies and always reacted during allergy season. Which brings me to The second week of May to now, she has been coughing since. Late nights coughing through the night for hours. However the severity of it seems to be almost considered chronic coughing. We tried Mucinex to help push mucus out, we've tried anti-histamine but that hasn't helped either. In the past when she has coughed, she would use the inhaler but it hasn't helped actually control the coughing or the itch. I've mentioned to go back to a doctor but she has said she's done all the allergy testing before and it won't help at this point she feels, to see a doctor and would rather hope it just passes.
(CURRENT STATE) She has described the feeling of mucus being stuck in her throat that the itch is so bad she has to cough. While also sniffling. Tonight she described to me that when it's colder air, it seems to be easier to control, when it's in room temperature it inflames and she starts coughing for sometimes 30 minute spans but at night it goes on for hours. As I write this she's been coughing for an hour. Wondering what this might be or what I can get for her as I've become concerned and not really sure how to help with this.

I met a girl the other week, we get along great, she's smart, funny and just generally ticks all my boxes for a potential partner. We've been on a couple dates, at the end of the last one things were getting heavy and I think we were going to intimate but she got a call a few minutes in, her friend was upset about something, nothing ended up happening on that front. Since then I've been wondering if I should talk to her before things go that way again and explain that I don't want my penis to be involved in our sex life whatsoever, because it doesn't seem like something you just bring up in the moment.
For a bit of context, I'm 6 months out of a long-term relationship, during which our sex life took a toll on me mentally because PIV sex irritates and stresses me out. She would want it most of the time we were intimate, and I didn't feel like navigating the "Oh so it's my body?" "Am I not attractive to you?" "Am I doing something wrong?" conversation. I dislike having penetrative sex, but I disliked the thought of talking about this with her (or any partner for that matter) even more so it remained a part of our sex life, I just dealt with it. She never pressured me into anything of course, and if I'd been honest with her I don't believe she ever would have.
I really enjoy giving a lot in the bedroom, I like making sure that my partner is taken care of so despite not enjoying penetrative sex I still had a good time. Except every time there was foreplay, sex was expected (asked for respectfully, but expected nonetheless) and this eventually put me off of the sexual things I do enjoy because I knew that it would end with me getting stressed out during sex. I'm not privy to every reason behind our breakup, but I strongly suspect my declining interest in intimacy was one of them. I don't want to repeat this mistake, because despite me assuming otherwise it turns out that I cannot maintain a healthy sexual relationship with someone by doing what I did before.
Onto why I dislike PIV:

1. I dislike condoms. I understand that condoms are the best form of birth control, they bring peace of mind, don't fuck with your hormones and don't require invasive procedures with varying success rates but they kill my interest in sex, this has been the case since I became sexually active over a decade ago. I 100% understand why it is wise and respectful to use one and I've never refused to do so, they fit just fine, they aren't painful to use or put on, I don't have a medical reaction to them and they don't kill my erection, I just don't enjoy sex when using one. It's to the point where I'd rather do the dishes, read a book or just do something non-sexual with my partner than use one.
   
2. I'm insecure about my size. Statistically average, functional and no medical concerns but a couple ex's made the odd comment here and there and thus the insecurity bloomed. It reached the point where sex became stressful for me in the last couple of years, I get in my head a lot and despite the internet's best efforts surrounding this topic "Hurr you're just insecure get over it" doth butter no parsnips. I understand that size isn't everything and women don't actually need a 20 inch replica of the Michelin Man to be satisfied in bed, but I've encountered a concerning number of people irl who preach body positivity, even on this subject specifically, and then the next day they're cracking jokes about how the guy they slept with last night had a small dick. I'm certainly not under the impression that this is most women, but I've been truly shocked at the some of people who have turned out this way. It's difficult to take someone at face value when they recite the size doesn't matter script these days as a result.
   

I've also spent an awkward amount of time on NSFW internet spaces over the years (judge me, I probably deserve it) and when in those spaces, I've noticed a couple of things: -in these spaces, women seem more comfortable being honest about their dick size preferences and the aggression or sometimes even violence they've experienced when turning down guys as a result -there seem to be more women than the standard askreddit thread would have you believe who *do* actually prefer bigger dicks, they just don't enjoy being shamed for it so outside of these NSFW spaces, they keep this preference to themselves I don't care to make assumptions about exactly what percentage of women feel this way, but I've seen the sentiment expressed often enough that I'm conscious of the fact that most partners are going to tell you that your penis is enough, regardless of whether it actually is. And like I get why, people should feel comfortable expressing their desires and it sucks that they aren't, but it makes it difficult to know if someone is genuinely attracted to what I have. Sleeping with someone when I'm not meeting their preferences holds about as much interest to me as using a condom. I don't wanna shame someone for liking bigger dicks, I just don't wanna sleep with them and be second-guessing my performance/their satifaction the entire time whilst also having to pretend that I'm having a good time so they don't feel bad.
Between these two issues, I've just lost interest in penetrative sex but I'm obviously not walking headfirst into the "Hurr you're just insecure", "You're trying to pressure me into going bareback" or "You think birth control is just a woman's responsibilty" conversation by bringing these things up with a partner.
So my question is (and this is mainly directed at women) how do I go about bringing this up with the girl I've been seeing? I'm strongly against telling her why I don't want my penis to be a part of our sex life to avoid accusations, so how do I word my request in a way that isn't going to make her feel unattractive or think that I'm hiding some awkward medical problem? As I said before, I'm more than okay taking care of my partner in the bedroom, just not if it involves my dick. Is there a way a guy could tell you this where you'd be good with it, along with not knowing why? If not and you'd need an explanation, how do I word this without running headfirst into ridicule/dismissiveness/accusations? Like if it's a no then fair enough, but I want to recieve that no without someone thinking "Oh he's an insecure asshole" or judging me.

My wife (31F) and I (33M) have been married for 9 years and together for 13. We met in college and have been together ever since. We have two wonderful children (5 and 3) who are characters in their own right and have us laughing hysterically most days. We never had any problems in the bedroom before children and honestly I expected things to slow down in that department after she gave birth. However, sex has come to almost a screeching halt since the birth of our second child. Lately, it has gotten bad. We have had sex 4 times in the last 3 months. I have broached this subject with my wife in the past and she either blames her birth control affecting her hormones or tells me that my expectations are unrealistic. We had a huge blowup fight recently over this subject. I have been vocal about our lack of sex for the better part of two years and am at a point of feeling like she doesn’t care about my feelings about this anymore. We have averaged sex 1-2 per month for the past two years and my sex drive is much higher than this. It has become increasingly more frustrating. My wife teaches kindergarten so most weeks she isn’t very interested in sex during the week because she is tired, which I totally understand. This past year she had 18 5-6 year olds and then has to deal with our children after school. She does a lot for our children but has become increasingly more vocal about complaining about how much she has to do. I have a mentally demanding and time consuming job. We basically rely solely on my income to cover our expenses and tuition for our children (Our kids go to private school where my wife teaches as public schools are not great where we live). The biggest job perk for her is the health insurance for her and our children. I don’t have a health insurance option through my job. If it weren’t for this she would probably be a SAHM. I pitch in a lot however with our kids and household duties. My wife usually packs their lunches and helps get them ready in the mornings. I usually bring them to school so she can go in early to get things ready for the day. Unless something is going on, she usually brings the kids home with her once school is over. I bath them and put them to sleep almost every night. I also cook most nights or pick up food on my way home. I am the cook in the family and I enjoy it. She does most of the household chores like laundry, cleaning, etc. we do have a cleaner that comes every two weeks. We both pitch in for grocery runs, etc. I do all outside work, landscaping, etc. I feel like we have a good balance for everything that is required of us and it works but she has become more vocal of late that I should pitch in more. Now, I make a fairly good bit of money (approx. 300k last year). We have taken multiple beach trips, Disney World twice in the last 18 months, trips to see her family who live out of state numerous times. Everything that she wants to do, I am able to provide because of my job. Last time we had a fight about the sex subject she stated that I nagged her too much about it and felt like I was asking for it every night. I didn’t ask for it every night but I was trying a lot. Basically taking the approach that if I keep trying then eventually she will say yes. I stopped trying so often after this fight, taking her feelings into consideration. Of course, as I thought without me trying to constantly initiate sex it slowed down even more. Every time we fight over this she plays the card that “I’m acting like a child who doesn’t get his candy” or “quit throwing a temper tantrum.” The constant rejection has really gotten to me of late. Now, on to the last blowup that is the reason for this post. It’s our anniversary week. The night before our anniversary she initiated and we had sex. I was surprised to say the least. The next day (our anniversary) I came home early, gave her the anniversary gifts I got her with flowers and cooked her favorite meal and got a nice expense bottle of wine. Dinner was fine, kids were great no issues. No sex but I wasn’t that worried about it as we just had sex the night before. The next night she wanted to go out to eat so that’s what we did. No sex, but again didn’t think anything of it. The next night I had reservations for us at a very popular, high end restaurant that I booked two months in advance. The kids were sleeping over at grandparents house. My wife took a two hour nap during the day after the grandparents picked up the kids. We went to dinner, everything was great. We made small talk, ate good food, and had a few of glasses of wine. We left the restaurant at about 8:30 pm and asked her if she wanted to go grab a drink or go see a band that was playing nearby. She said no that she wanted to go home and watch a movie together. So I said ok. We get home she immediately gets in her pajamas and goes to bed while I was trying to find a movie. So, I was obviously a little disappointed that we had a wonderful dinner, kid free night and she still had no interest in hanging sex with me after finally celebrating our anniversary with just us two. The next morning I didn’t talk much to her and she left to go to the spa with her sister that she had planned. She spent 5 hours at the spa and the mall. I went and picked up the kids and stayed at my parents for a while as they swam in the pool. Once we got back she pressed me as to why I was being quiet and of course when I bring up why she starts with her insult of I am acting like a child. At this point I was so aggravated like god forbid if I actually have feelings or am upset about something. She tells me if you think you have it so bad go out there and see and try to find someone to have sex with you as much as you want. My reply was “maybe I will.” Now she has been crying and won’t talk to me. AITAH?

My wife and I have been together for a while and married for 7 years. Have two kids under 3.5 and they are great. One is gonna be 1 in a few months. Some things to deal with them here and there but nothing too drastic.
Overall, I think we work good as a team together. But as a whole, we have different approaches to how we deal with adversity, mental health, and general everyday issues. As we have gotten more responsibilities and as we face things that are more out of our control, it’s been really draining and I’m just very sad to be honest.
The main issue comes to how overwhelmed we feel mentally and physically from our responsibilities and what we prioritize. I will preface that we split everything 50/50 and at times, I would say there were situations where I take on a bigger load. I do all the grocery shopping,cooking and cleanup, deal with bills, handle activities for our oldest, etc. She does all the laundry, handles our youngest (although I have started to do more there), and order clothes and necessities.
On the chores front, she always seems overwhelmed and not happy. I try to ask if I can help with laundry and she says no. She also complains that the house is not where she likes it and there is some clutter, etc. Our house is tidy and yes it has clutter, but what house doesn’t. She says it really annoys her and it should be a priority. I get it but I get frustrated by how much she obsesses over it. I try to help but I don’t think it should be top priority.
She also gets annoyed that there are administrative stuff that have been lingering. I told her I plan to take care of it but I can only do so much and we should be ok that something is always not going to be done. Like I literally wake up with kids, work, hang out with kids, put them to bed, clean up after dinner, and then cook for next day. If I have time, I try to take care of stuff but there is only so much time in the day. And then she attacks me if I go to a lunch once in a blue moon with a friend and saying that it could have been used to take care of stuff. She also spends time during day worrying or researching stuff for home while I can’t do that. I have a demanding job that partially pays for our good life. I know her performance at her job has fallen due to this pattern.
I will add that overall, we have a great life. We have a full-time nanny, grandparents near by ( not the most involved but will always help if asked), and we have hybrid work schedule. We also make a good salary that affords us to buy conveniences. Even with that, she just always seems so overwhelmed. She also snaps at me for the most random things. I misplaced our sons sippy cup and she snapped at me how everyone always misplaces it. When she makes simple mistakes, I always give her benefit of the doubt and brush it off as nothing. Because I really don’t care. You make a tiny mistake, we move on. When I make a simple mistake, I don’t know what’s going to happen. In general, when something bad happens, my first thought is how she is going to react. When I got Covid a while ago, she was so miserable because I had to quarantine and she was stuck with our kid for 5 days ( we had one at that time).
Mentally, there are also some issues. She rarely looks happy and always thinks of the worst case scenario. Even though we try not to compare to others, and I really don’t, she always does and worries how our kids are doing. Our oldest is fantastic but has some sensory needs that we are working through. She frequently points that out when they go somewhere alone. She also always assumes the worst. If one of our kids has something, she thinks it could be the worst malady possible. She is also very impacted by politics and national events. I know she reads a lot of news and goes down the rabbit hole sometimes on world events that concern her.
Overall, I know she tries to be a great mom ( and she is) but I just want her to be at peace and have some gratitude. Our problems and responsibilities are so manageable in the grand scheme of things.
Lastly, I just feel sad as a husband. I just feel neglected a lot of times and alone. I really love her and love doing things for her. It makes me so happy and I really ask for nothing in return. I just like doing it. I make her breakfast ahead of time when she goes into office, drive her to bus stop for work, try to find nice things she likes at the store, plan date nights, etc. I love planning her birthday or Mother’s Day. On the other hand, I know she wants to be there for me but I just think she feels too overwhelmed to be there. I didn’t even get a birthday card last year. She said she tried to order one but couldn’t get one. She orders so many things online, I’m sure she could have gotten something. I even would have been fine if it was later. I can’t remember last time she proposed a date night. We haven’t had sex in 14 months and she makes me feel so guilty if I bring that up. I been very patient for most of it since she was pregnant but we had zero intimacy at all. I don’t need full blown sex but it would be nice to have some kind of connection there.
I guess I just don’t know how to approach this. I brought up that she should go to therapy. I confronted her and said that it seems she is unhappy all the time and overwhelmed. And she said she is because there are too many things to do and life is stressful. I push her to do stuff for herself, but it just seems like she so unhappy all the time. If I ask her how she is doing she usually just responds “ tired, stressed, or fine”.
For once, I would just love a random text in the middle of the day that says “ hey thinking about you, I’m grateful for you and what we have”. I just feel so inadequate and if someone would have told me that this would be our life 5 years ago, I would have been ecstatic.
TLDR: We have a lot of help with our busy life, but wife is always miserable with our life and only thinks about bad things that can happen. I feel neglected and sad. How do I even approach things?

My entire life my mother has always been overbearing and controlling. My house was split between me and her vs my brother and dad. She always made me feel terrible about myself And any choice I made. Called all my friends growing up “white trash” and never wanted me to be around anyone.
I became a single mother of two at 21 and my mother was the only one helping me watch my children while I worked. During that time there was always so much drama. She always did whatever she wanted regarding my children no matter what I said. I wanted to separate me and my children from here to get some freedom over my life and be able to parent my own children how I saw fit.
2 years ago I got approved for a home loan and needed to save money for a down payment. My brother and his wife offered us to live with them to save money. This meant it was my brother, his wife and two kids then me, my mom and my two children under one roof. When I moved in we all agreed my mother will not have any place over making rules for the kids. During a brief month period of living together she would tell me that my sister in law was awful to my kids and punished my children for her kids actions. I would speak to my sister in law and she would give a completely different story. My mother has a tendency to lie to get things to go her own way. My mother told me I was a horrible person for going to my sister in law to get her side instead of just trusting her. It came to a head and a huge fight broke out. Then my mother left and refused to help with my children anymore. My sister in law immediately said she’d do whatever to help out and we can all help each other. A few weeks later there was a police raid and my brother was arrested. It was a very traumatic experience that affected all of us. We had our phones taken away during everything and for 8 hours we had no contact with anyone. People in the neighborhood were taking pictures and posting online about it all. When I got my phone back my mother started to blow my phone up demanding I tell her what happened. I told her I was in shock and I wasn’t exactly sure what happened but my brother was arrested and I didn’t want to go on about it because I was still unsure of what was really happening. She then showed up at the house screaming at me that I was awful for not telling her anything and that she has every right to know what is going on with her son. I screamed back at her that she was awful for not even asking how I was doing or how my kids handled being in a police raid like that at the ages of 5 and 6.
Fast forward a year, she claimed to be going to therapy and seemed to be doing better so I was ok getting close to her again and trying to be a family. I also started to have a boyfriend at this time who moved in with me and helped care for my children regularly. My work schedule is impossible to get daycare help because I work 12 shifts at an urgent care. My boyfriend has flexible hours and drives my kids to school on the days I work and picks them up. He does all the cooking and helps me with laundry. He’s been a blessing to me since I struggle getting help with my kids so I can work. My mother stated she wanted to buy a camper to have cheaper living costs but needed help saving money and her apartment was too expensive to save money at. I was hesitant but I agreed because I thought she was in therapy and it would be for a few months. Immediately after moving in she said she will no longer be saving for a camper. She immediately started to disrespect me as a parent and would do stuff I asked her not to do. Things like “we want them to paint outside not in doors because it’s messy but it’s raining so we will do this another day” then she would turn around a few seconds later and set up all the paint stuff at my kitchen table and when I asked why she was doing exactly what I said not to do right after saying it she would have the excuse “oh I didn’t hear you”. Or we asked for the kids to keep their specific schedules because my son is autistic and is very emotional and struggles without his routine. She would keep them up late and wake them up when asked not too. It even got to the point when I would snap she would yell back that I was wrong.
It wasn’t just the kids she would disrespect but she talks down to me and acts like I’m stupid. She got in 3 car accidents in the span of 3 months, she was on my car insurance policy and it raised my rates significantly. When I said this she said it wasn’t her fault and refused to help pay towards the big jump in price for the car insurance. Instead she got on someone else’s policy. When I told her my policy was being terminated because of her driving record and my rates were going up she yelled at me it wasn’t her fault and I needed to get over it. We got into an argument and I said I was done with the conversation and tried to end it she still yelled at me. At this point my boyfriend stepped in and said he won’t let her speak to me like that. Her response was “ don’t disrespect me by yelling at me I’m the mother so I’ll speak to her how I want but you don’t disrespect the mother” he then told her “I don’t care who you are that’s my girlfriend and I won’t let someone disrespect her” since then she has barely spoken to me and won’t speak to my boyfriend.
It all peaked today it a huge fight. Last night my mom asked to have a sleepover with my kids in her room, I agreed but told her to have them in bed asleep at the proper time and no junk food. My boyfriend woke up at 3:30 am hearing both kids arguing and opening bags of chips. He went to the couch and the kids were in their rooms watching TV, my mom stuck her head around the wall of the hall and went back to her room shutting the door then going to bed. I woke up at 9, my boyfriend made us pancakes and we got ready for church and left. When we got home my mom asked how church was and asked why my boyfriend was mad. My son walked up to her and said “he’s mad we were up and eating chips” my mom looked at me and I explained how we don’t like that they were up all night and eating junk food when they should have been asleep. She snapped at me and stormed off and left the house. An hour later she returned and said she was moving out And giving a 2 week notice. I said that’s fine by me. She then proceeded to yell at my boyfriend that he’s a piece of shit and she’s never done anything wrong. They argued and she kept screaming with him saying “I’m not raising my voice at you so don’t yell at me” he then looked at me and said babe? And my mom got in my face saying “I dare you to say something to me disagreeing with him being a piece of shit, you say nothing” I told her to leave.. she then screamed at me that I was a piece of shit and hate her. I told her that she’s disrespectful to me and my boyfriend doing whatever she wants regardless of us saying not to do that with the kids. She then left yelling we were both pieces of shits and don’t care for my kids and only she does. So am I wrong for cutting contact ?

Hi,
I dated someone for around 7 months, not long I know but we lived together for that whole time and spent a ridiculous amount of time together. We were technically never officially together for a variety of reasons, including that we both got out of relationships earlier in the year and that she was planning on going travelling for 6 months. Whether we liked it or not our relationship kept moving forward and no matter how hard we tried to just be friends we'd inevitably drift closer to one another over and over again.
Just over a week before she was due to go on her travels she asked me if I wanted to travel New Zealand and Fiji with her, she knew she was my priority and that I would say yes. It was also her first time travelling alone and being so far away from home, and I'm from New Zealand so I wanted to support her and help her transition into her travels. And of course, have a good experience with her because I loved her and was willing to spend my life with her. I had to leave London to do this and would need to stay in New Zealand for a few months to save up enough money so that I could start over when I got back to London. The travels went well, it's really easy for us to be around each other and we had a good time.
On our second to last day in Fiji, before we were going to go our separate ways, me back to New Zealand and her to Australia, we had a talk about what was going on between us. I made it clear that I thought that we should be together, and that if we were going to be together after her travels then there's no reason that we shouldn't just be together now. From her perspective, she'd been in relationships for most of her late teens and early twenties and felt like she needed to be alone for a while in order to work on her mental health and focus on herself. The relationship was also oddly very serious and she said she knew that if we were to officially be together that, that would be it and that we'd never break up. Which I agreed with. In addition, she was scared of getting into a relationship before her travels and neither of us being sure when exactly we'd see each other next, which would be hard. She cried for most of the night, and said she wished she thought things through more and held back on her travels so that we were in a better position to do this and be together. In the end we decided to keep things as they were and not commit fully, and see where we were after her travels and try to see each other as soon as possible while she was travelling.
Fast forward not even a week later, she calls me and tells me that she doesn't know what she was thinking and wants to be together, and that we could make it work while she's travelling. She was in Australia at the time and asked me to come over from New Zealand for a few days, so that we could talk about it some more and see each other. I jumped up and bought a ticket the next morning. Whilst there, we talked about our future a little, what we wanted to focus on over the next year, talked about our families, and me meeting her grandparents, and I confirmed with her that we were going to do this.
The day before my flight back we went shopping, she has BPD and some issues with her self esteem at times. She didn't feel like she looked good in anything she was trying on and started to spiral, during this period I'd try to comfort her because I could see her becoming more and more panicked as the time went on, and after a few hours this started to wear me down a little, so I decided to walk about the shops for a bit in order to keep myself busy as I was starting to sulk a little and felt completely drained. Basically, she gave up on trying to find anything but was livid at me for walking around and not waiting at the cubicles to support her. She made a comment about other bfs supporting their gfs better while they are shopping, which was unfounded as I'd been shopping with her for countless hours and never complain. So this upset me a little. Fast forward, we get back to the hotel and while we are arguing what's going on, she just blurts out that she cant be in a relationship and that she needs to work on her mental health. She argued that she'd just push and pull me for years and that she didn't want to do that to me. Obviously I understood the nature of her BPD and that she struggles with keeping her emotions under control but the blind sidedness of the whole situation completely through me back. My flight was the next morning, and she attempted to leaved me in the hotel room without having a single conversation about what happened. Similarly on the way to the airport she was unable to speak and couldn't explain to me what was going on.
After being back in New Zealand for a couple of days I started to push her for clarity and an explanation of what was going on. I new that because of her BPD that I needed to giver her space, and I new that if I gave her time that things would most likely work out and go back to normal, but I was tired of her BPD controlling her ability to communicate and take any accountability for her behaviour whatsoever. I saw it as a form of control and avoidance, and at this point I was unwilling to bend the knee to her BPD and needed an explanation because my mental health was starting to deteriorate as I couldn't make sense of what had happened. I begged her for clarity for almost a week, whilst she barely replied. She messaged and said that we could have a conversation, I asked if there was any point in it because at this point I was starting to get too angry at her, she said we could have one to try and salvage some sort of friendship, I agreed. As soon as I agreed she sent me a long text explaining that she isn't going to give me clarity because of a few things I said earlier on in the week and blocked me on everything. What I said earlier on in the week is that because of the blindside and her inability to have a single conversation with me that I felt like she'd manipulated and used me for comfort throughout the relationship.
So yeah, can someone explain to me how you go from asking someone to fly to a different country because you want to be together, talking about your future together, like where we wanted to live and what we wanted to do etc, to breaking up with someone over nothing and then completely blocking them from your life? I've never done anything to her that warranted anything like this, it's been 3 months, I'm practically suicidal and just pulled out of my masters by not going to my exams even though I'm on an A- after my assignments. I'm completely lost and honestly an oddly calm suicidal, which is scaring me. Just for clarity, she is diagnosed with BPD and CPTSD, and is the quite type.

Ok, so this is a long story so bear with me. I’m not lying, I’m not exaggerating, I’m just sharing what I experienced. I’ve had a few possible paranormal encounters in my life, but nothing like this. Not even close.
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Moved in with old roomie “Cassidy”and her two dogs back in Aug 2021. We had an apt for a year prior to moving to the duplex. The new place was a on the south end of Columbus, not the best area, but I can deal with addicts and persistent homeless people no problem. I couldn’t deal with what ever was there.
Move in was normal chaos, boxes, sleeping on a mattress with your bed frame next to you, painting, etc; nothing out of the ordinary happening.
After a few weeks I was constantly misplacing things. This is far from unheard of for me, but it was out of control. Keys I put in the middle of an empty table wouldn’t be there 10 min later. I’d start looking for them and then eventually they’d be back where I left them. This wasn’t daily, but enough to mention.
Duplex was two stories, shitty creaky floors, thin walls, I could hear my neighbors farts. For a bit it sounded like someone was walking on the second floor, but no one was home or up there. Just assumed it was the neighbors.
That assumption was disproven when my neighbors were out on our shared porch and I was inside. Heard the footsteps and thought “oh ok we have a lil ghost” whatever, I can deal with that.
Footsteps were light and always in a quick patter, like a like kid who doesn’t know how to skip trying to skip. I’d get a tap on my shoulder here and there. All harmless stuff.
Soon I started hearing my roomate ask for me or say my name when she wasn’t home. I never said anything to her in fear of sounding bonkers.
Fast forward to like November 2021. Roomate comes to me in the morning and asked if I’ve had anything spooky happen in the house beyond the footsteps and such; I told her about hearing her ask for me when she wasn’t home.
She paused and did one of those “eyes slightly closed, goddamnit ok” soft nods.
Told me she’s been having the same thing happen, but me ask for her (obv). Never wanted to say anything for the same reason, but as she was falling asleep last night her mirror fell. One of those cheap Walmart floor mirrors.
Well it didn’t fall, technically. It started to tip over, paused for a second, cracked, then fell. She got freaked out, but didn’t know if she was just lucid dreaming or something.
After she mentioned this and we both acknowledged hearing shit, stuff picked up a smidge. The footsteps became more frequent, I had a few “taps” on my back, and would occasionally catch something juuuuuust in the corner of my eye; but never full on.
Blah blah blah, nothing crazy for a bit.
Late January Cassidy is out for the night and I’m passing out in my bed. I’m in that juicy spot, park comfort and cozy levels reached, and where you know you’re about to fall asleep. Then, I feel breath in my ear and hear.
“I’m downstairs, come on.”
I get covered in goosebumps, just like I am now retyping this insanity. My phone dings, there’s a notification from my security camera.
This is what it shows
I immediately text my roommate and surround myself with her dogs. We chat about it the next day agree upon “yeah spooky for sure, but like what can ya do.” And move on.
Everything stays the same for a while, until Cassidy moved out mid april 2022 and obviously took her dogs with her. Then shit got wild fast.
Within the first week of solo house life I’m in my room, laying in bed. The foot of my bed faces the door, TV is to the right of it. I’m not sleeping, just chilling watching TV.
From the top of the door frame is a
Smack smack smack. Like undeniably.
Like an open palm hitting it. Not like "ohhh what's that noise" more like “oh fuck that!”
I go sleep downstairs.
I move out of my bedroom and into Cassidy’s empty room the next day. No issues for a night or two.
Im on my bed, which is on the floor (not about to take my bed frame apart and reset it up.) I think I was either doing nonsense on my phone, or nonsense on my laptop. Either way, I was doing nothing important. The door to the hallway is across from me in the left corner of the room.
From the hallway an unfamiliar, wildly uncomfortable noise. The quick lil footsteps I became accustomed to, nah. They got heavier and slower. Pacing down the hallway. Not constant, but enough for me to hate everything.
I stand up and go to the door, poke my head into the hallway and have my chest like brushed. Not shoved or pushed, not caressed, just like "yeah I can touch you" thing.
Message received. Out loud I say something like “ok bud I'll fucking go, Jesus"
Go to the bed and start packing a bag. My back is at the corner of the room, like the fucking wall. I can feel something there with me, like right freaking there. My feelings are confirmed when over my shoulder is a growl. Not like a dog growling, but a distinguishable sound. Best way I can explain it is if you asked a tired overweight guy to impersonate an empty stomach.
I dip so fast. Stay at my art studio.
I go back during the day and try to push it to the back of my mind while I start packing my shit.
I’m moving, or attempting to (credit score and financial situation aren’t ideal). I’ve seen horror movies, I know staying helps nothing.
After staying at my art studio a few nights and spending the days there packing with no activity; I decide to stay another night. Afterall, my studio is not the most comfortable place to sleep.
First night back. Nothing. Just the overwhelming fear that it’s going to happen again.
Second night. Nothing.
Third night. Same.
Kk so maybe I had carbon monoxide poisoning or something the other night. I try to breathe easy but that stuff was terrifying, so easier said than done.
Once I somewhat settled back in while continuing to pack up, the footsteps started back up.
Things progressed like a heroin addict’s tolerance after a quick stint in a rehab.
Then I start catching little glimpses of it. where it will be like right at my shoulder, juiuuust enough in my peripheral for me to notice it's there
As soon as my eyes stop focusing on an area and my head turns, bam If it's in that corner.
A bunch of creepy ass shit started to happen. Here are some examples:
I was showering naked as most people do, recently removed shirt was on the floor leaning on the closed door. I rinse my face and then my shirt is halfway under the door.
My leg was grabbed, like legit pulled, while walking up my steps.
Lil closet door slammed shut (get more creative ghost, this is so over used)
The house got unbearable, especially upstairs.
The second I would go up there it would be right on my back. Not touching me, but like right right there. Juuuuuust out of sight. You could feel it. Every step I took it took with me.
This wasn’t just at night anymore, it was always.
Keep in mind I’m packing up to move, so I don’t have a choice but to be there sometimes. I never go at night anymore, and if I have to go upstairs, to pack; I’m supermarket sweep styling that shit.
My final fuck this was at the end of May, I was in my room finishing up packing. My room was hands down the worst spot in the house. It did not want me there, at all.
It’s presence in there was sooooo intense, this time I ended up sprinting out of my house and never went back.
Looking out the windows from my room while closing a box, in the reflection I see it. Like when you look down a well and it’s just pitch black, it’s like that. It’s at my wall, like 7 feet tall, just looming. I turn around; gone.
I’m a bit uneasy to say the least, it was like a magician coming up with new tricks to wow the audience. Just replace wow with terrify and audience with me.
Throughout this nightmare I would often set up my phone along with the security camera. I just wanted to get something to prove I wasn’t bonkers. This was the last time I would have to do that.
So like I had done in the past, my trembling hand sets up my shitty iPhone 6s and hits record. I go downstairs. Then when I come back up to check if there was anything, there was this…..
Just listen, ignore footsteps and floor creeks.
It told me to get out; so I did.

okay so this might be long because i want to provide as much detail as possible so you can get the full picture. i (23NB) have lived in this NYC apartment for 4 years, and lived with one of my roommates (24F) (will be referred to as “A”) for the entirety of the time i’ve been in the city, which is 6 years. we were assigned roommates in college and just kept living together because at the time we were good friends and it worked! we had rotating 3rd roommates throughout the years and dealt with a lot of crazy shit together, including a violent roommate, but that’s a story for a different day. so this roommate and i had been having some issues for the past couple of years because she got addicted to ketamine. i felt responsible for her because it started out as us using recreationally together but she spiraled out of control with it and honestly the entire situation was just a lot on me. throughout her addiction she was doing, at one point, 16 grams in 3 days, so i was really worried that she would die, not to mention she doesn’t really test her drugs and was getting it from a neighborhood that’s notorious for fentanyl. it honestly became my full time job to take care of her, but at the end of the day I was just trying to be a good friend. after some therapy/self work, i now realize how enabling the role I was playing actually was, but it was just the position that I was put in and I had also never dealt with something like this before. I feel like for further context, i should add that A’s parents pay her rent and for a lot of things for her. she had a part time job at the time and was also in school but left due to her addiction. the situation that i am in is very different, my family does not support me financially and i pay for everything for myself and have made my way pretty much on my own. i’m pretty established in my neighborhood because I am a tattoo artist at a local shop and also have worked for 3 other businesses within the same few blocks. i also consistently have multiple jobs at once, now i have 3, and for a long time I was working 6 days a week. not really relevant to the situation but needless to say, i already have a LOT on my plate. anyways, so yeah. for about almost 2 years, i was dealing with my roommates addiction. i watched her overdose and throw up on herself 5-7 times, she projectile vomited all over the house, i have dragged her out of a pool of her own vomit, she would consistently lie to me about whether she was high or had bought ketamine, and our other friends and i would go through her room to make sure she wasn’t hiding it countless times, (to no avail obviously, she would always lie and say she didn’t have any more when she did, hidden in hard to find places.) it affected everyone in our friend group and in her life. but especially me because i was really the only person who was physically present for it all. i tried talking to her about it at first, and was very understanding and patient with her and genuinely was doing my best to help because she was my friend, we were really close, and I didn’t want to see her die or ruin her life. she also expected me to say something to her and would tell me that i should say something if i thought she was high. she would say this when she was sober and it started off an an “accountability partner” thing, but eventually became very codependent and unhealthy. even when i would ask her, she would lie. i made it very clear from the beginning that all of this was damaging our relationship, but i was still doing my best to be her friend and be there for her. at one point, i even took the drugs out of her room and hid them in mine to take to another friends house the next day to dispose of them, and she went into my room and found them. it reached a point where I made her call her parents and tell them what had been going on. calling her parents had honestly been in discussion for a while, and the sober version of her agreed that it needed to happen. she got a slap on the wrist and sent to the mental hospital for a few days, she even convinced them to let her out early! her parents also weren’t really involved in her care at all after because she has never been disciplined in her life, her parents think she can do no wrong. she relapsed soon after she got out and at this point, I started taking a lot more space for myself because I was mentally and emotionally drained and it was clear that all my efforts were in vain. this was after dealing with it for about a year. honestly, i should have definitely started planning on moving out around this point. the reasons I didn’t were the fact that i still considered A to be one of my best friends despite what we had gone through, all of my jobs are like a 5-10 minute walk away, and I also loved my room. i put a lot of time and effort into decorating it and I had also lived there for a long time and for a really great price, $850 for a huge room with a dishwasher, laundry in building, AND a rooftop i can smoke on outside my window with a view of a GREEN backyard with PLANTS. not some concrete bs. that’s UNHEARD OF in nyc. im also not really great with change, even if it’s for the best, and to be honest i was also naive and thought things would eventually go back to normal. this was a person that i previously trusted a lot, i didn’t think she would normally do these things to me. anyways, eventually she got sober and then my, at the time, best friend of 7 years from home, a state across the country, moved in. (22 F, let’s call her “B”) we met in high school and I was in the class above her. we only went to school together for a year before I graduated and moved to NYC, so for the past few years, our friendship had been over facetime/seeing eachother occasionally when I would come visit. B’s background is similar to mine, the state we’re from is very impoverished and we both left the religion we were raised as. another huge reason she moved here was so that she could start medically transitioning and get on estrogen. i was really excited for her and also wanted to support her in her transition, im also non binary and we come from a really transphobic state, so growing up queer in the south was like a huge part of our friendship, and when she moved in, she didn’t have a lot of gender affirming clothes, and i had a ton of clothes, so i gave her a bunch of mine, i sent her resources, lent her books/zines, point is i really was trying to support her, and before she moved in and even throughout us living together we would talk for hours about this stuff. also, normally, i would not feel the need to even mention the fact that someone is trans, but all of this is relevant to the story. i will also add that I know now to never live with friends! at the time, i thought it would be okay because I trusted her and we seemed to have good communication on roommate matters and i think we both had good intentions going into it. we would say things like “i don’t plan on moving out on bad terms” “we can communicate and respect eachothers boundaries!” etc. i also knew that she really wanted to move here because she had talked about it for years and she came and visited before she moved in. so yeah, things were great at first, but not for long. so I am someone who, like I said, am at work most of the time and when i come home from work I just want to relax and smoke weed and chill and if you know me in real life, you know that i’m not a very beefy person and it takes a lot to really make me upset, i’m generally chill about most things, honestly to my detriment. so the first signs of things starting to go south were when B started to say that I was ignoring her. this was confusing to me, as we hung out most days after I got off work, and she even had a job herself at the time, (she’s been fired twice in the past year and was unemployed on and off) so she wasn’t like completely trapped in the house all the time. I would try to inquire further and understand why she thought I was ignoring her, and reassure her that I’m listening. she started telling me that she needs a lot of reassurance, and i told her that I am happy to reassure her whenever needed! we talked it through and i genuinely started to put in a lot of effort into making sure i was being fully present during our time together and also making sure I was hanging out with her enough. this evolved into us having very extensive conversations for hours where she would bring up the fact that she still felt like i was ignoring her, and i would reassure that I was not purposefully ignoring her, im listening and really trying. and almost daily she would bring up a problem that she had with something that I said or did. she even at one point started tweeting about me, saying things like “do u even consider others?”. she also asked me to be on constant emotional monitoring for her, which i told her that i will not do that. i don’t really pick up on subtle social cues or “shade” and also it’s not my job to do that. if something upsets you, you can communicate with me about it instead of being passive aggressive or expecting me to be able to read your mind. plus, real friends don’t have to be responsible for every single emotion! at one point, she told me that she was mad at me because living together wasn’t living up the the idealized version of what she thought it would be. she would also guilt trip me like a LOT. she would be like “as a friend, you should be doing ____ for me” and her requests got more and more ridiculous as time went on, one of them being to basically force myself to start listening to a genre of music that i simply just don’t like or want to listen to during my own time, insinuating that i would be a bad friend if i didn’t like the same music as her. and to that, i tried to explain to her that we don’t have to like the same music in order to be friends and that i don’t care if she listens to music that i don’t particularly listen to on my own, although i am happy to listen to her recommendations, i am picky about the music I listen to. basically i felt like she was trying to find any stupid reason to say i was a bad friend. it started to really annoy me, because i already had a lot on my plate, and honestly i just didn’t have the bandwidth to be fully present all the time, especially after dealing with my other roommates addiction for so long. i needed space and time for myself really badly, and I felt like I was trying really hard to please her to no avail. all of this was incredibly exhausting to deal with. i tried to communicate this to B, but it never got through. during these very tedious conversations, B would say things that were extremely concerning, such as “You need to stop triggering me!!!” to which i responded, “okay let’s make a deal, i will be more mindful of your triggers if you work on managing them.” she would also constantly make accusations at me. for example, she accused me of laughing AT HER when i was not, and I was laughing at something completely unrelated. there were many other times that she accused me of doing and saying things that I never said or did. she would twist my words a lot, things i told her in confidence, and use them against me, adding an entire new meaning to what i was saying. and if i disagreed with her or got even a little defensive she would be like “You just pissed me off!!!!” i honestly felt like she was just picking on me and criticizing me at a lot of points, because I could literally breathe wrong and it would be an issue. i now realize that she actually just needs to create drama, but i didnt want to admit that at the time. again, during this time I was trying to be very calm during our conversations when trying to reassure her and explain myself, but internally I was very stressed out by all of this. at some point during all this, A relapsed. this was a disaster, B knew about the relapse and was lying to me about it. i was especially upset because the way A relapsed was she asked me to unlock the parental password on her phone so she could “update apps”, but instead she downloaded the app she uses to text her plug, so essentially she tricked me into enabling her relapse. i messaged her parents immediately and told them. at this point, i felt like it was expected of me to do that. of course, they basically did nothing for a while, it got really bad. A was basically not functioning at all. she would tell me that she didn’t care how she made me feel. our other friend came over and went through her room and babysat her to make sure she wouldn’t do ketamine but she pretended to go to sleep while he was literally crying next to her and she got up and did it right after he left. a lot of horrible things were said, i would express the fact that i hate that i can’t trust her, and she would scream back “i don’t want you to trust me!”, amongst many other awful things. we would hear loud snorting like every few minutes every single day, which was extremely stressful. she broke the stove because she was high, it was affecting the way she looked and her physical health, and at this point it was a safety concern for her and for B and I, because we did not want to be responsible if something happened to her and this was affecting us tremendously. eventually, B and I called her parents and told them a lot of details and begged them to send her to rehab, I had to send them a long text message being like super blunt about the fact that she needs to get professional help or she will die, and they were basically saying that ultimately it’s up to her, which was bullshit in my opinion, but she did end up going. during the time A was in rehab, things with B got progressively worse. a lot of weird and horrible things started happening, she berated me for like over an hour about one of my closest friendships, that she met once and got “bad vibes from”, i told her that I didn’t want to be put in a position where i have to defend my other friendships to her, especially ones that have nothing to do with her, and that this person is an extremely good friend to me, and that she didn’t have to be around her if she didn’t want to. i was asking her to stop but she wouldn’t! she was pulling bullshit reasons why i shouldn’t hang out with this person anymore out of her ass. for context, B drinks a lot, and she drank the night we all hung out while my other friend and i didn’t really drink. she was like “i actually HAD to drink that night because your friend was making me so uncomfortable!” which, that night was extremely normal and chill, nothing bad happened at all, also don’t blame me or anyone else for your own habits! she would pick fights almost daily. on halloween, we got drunk together with one of the people she was seeing at the time, and she ended up berating me in front of this person for ignoring her, not respecting her, etc and the person had to step in and tell her that she’s making pointed comments at me and not hearing me out, and that she was being horrible to me. (this is not the only time someone hung out with us together and then told her that she was being an asshole to me.) that night, she said a lot of hurtful things, such as “at least i don’t have a bunch of fake friendships!” (as if my friendship with her was the only “real friendship” i could have) and “you don’t have the lesbian experience you claim to have!!!!” (what does that even mean??? i’ve been lesbian since before we met lol) and she also falsely accused me of saying that being a lesbian is worse than being a trans woman, which i never said! i have never even thought that and that is not how i feel at all! at first i tried to explain everything using logic, but eventually i basically told her to stop projecting her insecurities onto me and to stop dragging me into her shit. she slammed the door in my face when we got home. we didn’t talk for like a month. during this month, i really needed some outside support, so i reached out to some trusted people to tell them what was going on and get some advice on what i should do/ how to handle the situation, and to get an outside perspective. honestly, that night was the straw that broke the camels back and sent me into a full mental breakdown from the stress of everything that had been going on in the house. i was like scream crying every single day for the entire month, unable to function at work, not thinking clearly at all. everyone in my life was telling me i should just move out asap. i think i was just extremely upset because I then realized that my relationships with both of them were not healthy, but i really cared about these people. i was extremely disappointed in how things were going, and i was also extremely worried about both of their wellbeings, i didn’t want anything to happen to them or to not have them in my life. and i was also upset that they had been being absolutely horrible to me and i was honestly just sick of being treated like shit by my roommates at this point. honestly i was an asshole when i would talk about it sometimes, but how was i supposed to be kind when everyone was being so cruel to me for no reason? i was honestly really mad, especially because B knew the stress of taking care of A, like why are you adding to the intense stress i already had just experienced?? during this time, i realized that all of this was happening because of B’s untreated BPD. to clarify, i do not care about people having bpd or other mental health disorders as long as you are not hurting other people, which, B was hurting me a lot and honestly our relationship was pretty destructive to my mental health. i also realized that these friendships were wildly codependent and unhealthy, and I needed to set boundaries. i can only take so much abuse!!! and i felt like a scapegoat for both of them and a crutch in the situation. although i still cared for these people, i knew that this was not sustainable long term. i could not handle the weight of A’s life on my back or the way I was being treated by either of them, or the fact that my home was not actually safe. at first, i was going to move out and take a break from the friendships, with the intention of hopefully rekindling when we were all in healthier places, but also the need to move out felt super urgent. the stress from this entire situation had leaked into every area of my life. i was doing poorly at work, every person in my life was telling me how i needed to get out asap because this shit was bad for my health and they had watched my mental health deteriorate because of it but i really didn’t want to move, i had lived there and known these people for so long. after chatting with other people who have bpd who are in therapy and live an emotionally healthy life, they told me that what really helps people with bpd is if you are honest with them and encourage them to seek treatment, as well as setting clear boundaries around their behavior. i was the closest person to her at the time, so i wanted to be honest with her and try to help, i wrote both of my roommates long text messages explaining how i felt and what my boundaries were moving forward. they did not take this well! they started justifying their behavior to eachother, and made me out to be the villain in the story. A told B that i told other people she had bpd, which i did do! but i did that because i needed support and advice, and I also couldn’t handle the horrible treatment i was receiving, the weight of all of this was extremely heavy. not because i was trying to “turn people against her”, as they were trying to make it seem like. this is a real life adult issue, not some petty sides picking bullshit, and i genuinely needed support because everything that was happening was making me feel insane and extremely stressed out. I even previously asked A not to say anything to B to make the situation worse and that at this point I just wanted to have conversations surrounding solution. B was upset that I told people what was going on and accused me of being manipulative. i honestly understand why she would be upset about that, it’s a very stigmatized disorder and it wasn’t really my place to share that information. i also told these people those things in confidence, i didn’t expect them to tell her i said anything to try to make the situation worse. and i also only told people that i trusted and honestly i just wanted help and support and an outside perspective and to express my feelings. after i sent the long text messages to my roommates, (i let B read hers in person so we could have open dialogue and A hers while she was in rehab so she could talk about it in therapy) (also i know that long text messages are not the best way to communicate and work through issues, im going to avoid doing that in the future) B’s response was basically something like, yeah i have bpd and yes I was projecting my shit onto you and lashing out at you, but I used to do way worse things to people. but thank you for typing this out and i’m gonna start going to therapy and working on it. she also said something like “well. friendships are through the good, the bad, and the ugly. sorry that you saw my ugly side!” like. okay. a real apology would be nice lol. in the days after this, i ended up having a huge mental crisis from all of the overwhelming stress and could not function properly, i had to go to the hospital. once i got back from the hospital, all I wanted to do was work on myself. i started creating distance from them and going back to therapy and al anon, and really started trying to pull my own shit together. i apologized for telling other people and said that I wouldn’t tell anyone again, and i didn’t. A’s sibling and i suggested that we go to family therapy so that we could have healthier relationships, A’s parents even offered to pay for it, but it never actually happened. things were kind of okay for the next few months. i wasn’t as close to either of them, but i was okay with that because I needed space and to be able to focus on myself. i talked about it a lot with a therapist, and i was essentially trying to maintain the friendships in a non codependent way. i honestly just kept to myself for a while and started taking a lot more alone time. forgot to mention, another reason they were mad at me was because I was going to move out on short notice (before i went to the hospital), but I also was going to find someone to fill the room to make the process less stressful for them, and i was vetting people to make sure they would be a good fit, and i wanted A and B to meet and approve of the person. i needed to get out of there as fast as possible, but i wanted to put effort into finding someone compatible with them. i already had a place to go lined up, but it fell through (the stress of trying to move also contributed to me going to the hospital and the situation i was going to go into seemed great at first but turned out to be a complete mess), and i also felt really guilty and horrible, so i ended up staying and trying to repair and maintain the relationships while also taking adequate alone time and upholding my boundaries. anyways, a few months pass, all i have been doing at this point is working on myself and going to work and coming home and chilling, there hasn’t really been much conflict besides the normal A being a passive aggressive asshole (which she always has been. looking back, i don’t even know how i was friends with someone like this) and B would still say disturbing things every once in a while, such as comparing me to past friendships that didn’t work out, and at one point she even flipped the narrative subtly to make it seem like i “had an outburst for no reason”. (when she is actually the person who had the outbursts towards me), and generally just blame shifting a lot in subtle ways, saying I was the one who “changed the dynamics of the house”, even though all I did was set boundaries and take time for myself, plus, the previous dynamic obviously was not working. but honestly i was just kind of ignoring it. at this point the dynamic has been A and B spending most of their time together, (they also have a codependent friendship) and me mostly keeping to myself, but hanging out occasionally and being cordial in the apartment. I was okay with that because I really just wanted alone time anyways, and I made it clear to them that I need time to work on myself, which i was doing a lot of, and B started therapy so I thought we were all just kind of working on ourselves at this point and trying to move forward. so one day, A and B go back to A’s home state together for a week, i was honestly a bit upset by this because we originally planned to all go together, we have all always gone together in the past, and honestly i thought things were chill now that everyone was in therapy, plus we had hung out on purpose occasionally. nope! once they got back, they told me I had to move out! i was extremely upset by this. honestly i was at my wits end with their bullshit, especially since A had continued to be an asshole to me even when i was still being kind and normal to her. honestly i am glad I had to move out, my life is going to get a lot better now that I don’t have them in it, but I was still just like. pissed because honestly my only objective this entire time has been to exist in my house and also I just felt like it was unfair especially considering the fact that they were the ones who were causing the issues, although I do recognize my part in them. i was codependent AF and trying to fix my friends, enabling horrible things to happen in my life to the point of going actually insane, i had extremely poor boundaries in the name of trying to be a good friend, and i should have left a long long time ago. but anyways, when they told me I had to move out, i basically said that I agreed and that I didn’t want to live with them anymore, i slammed my door and blocked them both on instagram, i also removed all of my personal belongings from the common areas. thankfully, my real friends were all there for me during this time and letting me crash on their couches. i didn’t really want to be in the apartment. within the next few days, i started getting harassed over text by their friends and unfollowed by people who were associated with them. they started going on a smear campaign against me! their friends started harassing me over text, saying “you need the mental hospital. stop pissing in glasses and stop speaking on trans people. seek the maximum amount of help possible” so basically, at this point, they’re basically telling people things that are blatantly untrue. i have never pissed in a glass before, in fact, i know B has pissed in cups in her room for her whole life (probably where she got the idea from) besides, pissing in cups isn’t a crime! also, at this point, i thought we had already talked out and worked through the me telling people about B’s BPD. so i messaged them and I was like. “can you guys please stop slandering me. this has been a traumatizing situation for all of us. honestly i would prefer for this to be as smooth as possible. i have not pissed in a glass and i have no idea what i even said about trans people that was offensive or hurtful” and they responded by saying “we have proof you were misgendering me and the shit we found out was before A’s relapse and before we had a fight”. so basically, while they were on vacation, they went LOOKING for things to use against me. A’s relapse was 8 months ago at this point, why are you digging stuff up from back then to use against me now?? i also have no idea when i misgendered her, and it was obviously a complete accident. i went through every message i sent in the past year that had anything to do with her and couldn’t find any misgendering. at this point, i did not inquire further because I was sick of having to defend myself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding me and also manipulating the situation to make me seem like a bad person. honestly, i don’t care much about the smear campaign, because most of those people i didn’t really like anyway, and the ones i did who believed them, i know now that they’re not my real friends. (even though it’s the same people saying that the way I was treated by A through her addiction was incredibly unfair to me, and asking why she is doing this to me. how dare I be actually affected?!) although the saying i’m transphobic thing is really frustrating, especially considering the fact that i literally invited you to come here SO THAT YOU COULD TRANSITION and the fact that I am also non binary. but also, how are you going to come into my home after I invited you to move in with me out of the kindness of my heart, start yelling at me and attacking me constantly and disrespecting my boundaries, kick me out of MY OWN HOUSE, and then smear my name, saying things that are blatantly untrue, to people i knew for years BEFORE YOU MOVED IN, who I INTRODUCED YOU TO ???? anyways, B went into my room while i was at work and took all of her artwork off my walls, which i don’t care about the artwork, but her going into my room made me really uncomfortable, so I installed a lock on my door until I could move out. B also ripped my mentor at the tattoo shop’s artwork off of the walls, stole it, and when i demanded it be returned it was returned to me vandalized. (she knows that my mentor wants the best for me and supports me in many areas of my life). so at this point, i’m being harassed and my items are being stolen. i had to get out of there asap, at this point it was a safety concern, it has honestly been a safety concern this entire time. so I ended up finding a place that’s the same amazing price and great quality in the area that’s still close to my jobs with people who are actually healthy and normal!!! and i moved out a month before I was supposed to because my mom and the rest of my support system agreed that it was not safe for me to stay another month, i didn’t tell them that I was moving early because I knew they would damage my things. It took me 2 days to move, and the night in between me moving, they stole my bike and put it out on the street. and A admitted that she did it out of spite because I moved early. so I stole some things back to get even and I also did not repaint or repair the room like I was supposed to, (i was going to originally before my bike was stolen) but I left her my deposit to cover the repainting etc. i also unfortunately dumped old protein shake on the floor out of pettiness and hatefulness. i am not normally like that but I was FUMING. that was definitely that angriest i have ever been in my life. i ended up paying the rent for the month I wasn’t there. But A still decided to message me on facebook, where I forgot to block her and send me an invoice with a bunch of “damages” to the apartment, demanding that I send her $1700 to get the entire floor replaced, new doors, etc. her numbers were ridiculous, it was a bunch of bullshit and I told her that i wasn’t paying it, to never contact me again, and blocked her. her parents pay her rent, it’s not about the money for her it’s about being a vindictive and entitled bully. plus, i really don’t owe her shit at this point. anyways, i have learned a lot of lessons from all this and am working on acknowledging my part in all of these issues and am going to start going to codependents anonymous to start rebuilding my life. obviously i have a lot to learn and work on within myself, and i was not perfect throughout this, even though my only intentions were to be there for my friends and exist in my own house. honestly i never want to see either of these people again! i hate them both so deeply for making my safe space unsafe, and for everything else they’ve done to me, including making my PTSD incredibly worse. and from now on I am going to leave friendships WHEN ITS TIME instead of dragging it out, and hopefully now I can choose better friends and have stronger boundaries, and in the future when tough situations arise i will be more equipped to respond in better ways. hopefully i never have to go through anything like this again!!

Hey all! I just joined this group. I am not technically in AA. I need some support…. Or something.
Here’s my story.
Background:
My parents divorced when I was 5.
My dad was an alcoholic. He drank beer every single day, all day. I never saw him acting drunk. Never falling down or being loud or slurring his words. He just sipped a beer all day everyday. He died at age 56. I was 16.
My mom is an alcoholic. She prefers rum. She drinks at least a handle per week. Possibly 2. I haven’t lived there for a long time so I’m not really sure but she drinks a lot and she doesn’t skip a day. She is extremely high functioning. Never misses a day of work. Handles life and responsibilities well. And then drinks to get drunk to the point of being beligerant and falling down.
Me:
I was a party girl as a teenager. I got into recreational drugs and would never turn down alcohol. I’m not going to say I didn’t enjoy myself. I did. After 21, I did have my son by then so I never drank during the week. Only on weekends when he was with his dad. I’ve never lost a job. I’ve always had my own place, my own car, paid all my bills, and taken damn good care of my son.
Why it’s alcoholism:
Once the alcohol touches my lips, all bets are off. I completely lose control. My friends say I’m always fine, I’m not sloppy, people enjoy my company, etc. But I don’t feel in control. I talk my ass off. Im uninhibited. I can’t stop. I will inebriate myself and stay up all night long. I don’t get tired. The next day, the hangxiety is absolutely unbearable. For multiple days.
Three different types of alcoholism. But still all alcoholism. I recognize it.
I tell myself I’m going to set limits. But I can never stick to them. I take it too far every single time. I hate myself for it every. Single. Time.
I have gained so much weight. I want to be healthier but I am stuck in this loop. Definition of insanity.
Why do I drink:
To have fun. To let loose. To unwind. To bond with people. To help with social anxiety. To be social.
Why I want to stop:
The hell I go through afterwards is not worth it. The image I create of myself is not how I want to be perceived. I want to be healthier. I want to love myself. I want to be a different person.
Sometimes I think that if I moved far away, I could recreate myself. I could be someone else and create a new image and stick to it.
But why go somewhere else to change? I know every single day is a new opportunity to change my life. Yet, I don’t.
Oh I also want to say, I keep my life very busy. Single mom, work full time in a stressful job but pays well. Working on finishing a degree so I also do homework at night. I have a son in sports so I am constantly busy. So when I unwind, I feel like I need and deserve it.
I want to be different than my parents. I want my son to have different than I did. I want to be better.
I need to change how I think. I just don’t know how.

For context, I (19 F) had moved into my bf’s (18 M) family in summer 2023 due to personal issues with my own family. His family who includes his mother and grandparents was okay with me moving in. We mostly kept in the bedroom and his family never discussed rules or any conditions with me. There’s a lot that happened whilst living there but I will mention the big points and whatever else that led me to telling my boyfriend to move out.
The plan for when I had moved in was to keep stay there until me and boyfriend were ready to move out into our own place. That plan quickly changed. My bf is mixed, black and white. His father (M 47) black. His mother (F 43) white. I mention this as it is important later on.
For context, I (19 F) had moved into my bf’s (18 M) family in summer 2023 due to personal issues with my own family. His family who includes his mother and grandparents was okay with me moving in. We mostly kept in the bedroom and his family never discussed rules or any conditions with me. There’s a lot that happened whilst living there but I will mention the big points and whatever else that led me to telling my boyfriend to move out.
The plan for when I had moved in was to keep stay there until me and boyfriend were ready to move out into our own place. That plan quickly changed. My bf is mixed, black and white. His father (M 47) black. His mother (F 43) white.
After living there for almost a year, I was already planning on moving into my friend’s family home. His mother once said a racist slur to me (I’m Mexican), his family dropped off a dog and three cats off in the country roads (where there are coyotes), leaving them to fend for themselves, and more happened while I lived there. I can go into details if asked.
One day, after we were cleaning and cooking, I told my bf to not worry about cleaning dishes that I can take care of it the next day. His grandmother (F 60s) heard and bugged in, telling me to let him wash the dishes. I didn’t say much in return and went in the room to avoid any conflict. The next day, his mother is telling me that I need to watch out that his grandmother spoke to her of what happened and is thinking of kicking me out. She argued that I had attitude with her, even though she didn’t hear the whole conversation between me and my bf to say anything. I will admit that there was a tone in my voice but it was in no way of me having an attitude with her. The whole time while living there, regardless of all the offensive comments, transphobia, and animal cruelty, I never once spoke up to defend myself or anyone against them. I avoided conflict with his family as much as I could because I knew better than to disrespect them; even if they were being disrespectful themselves.
Already annoyed with all that happened while living there, I said okay and spoke to a friend of moving in. This all happened April 2024. About two weeks later, I discussed with both his grandmother and mother about moving out. They were okay with it. The only thing they needed was the iPhone they gifted me August last year. They allowed me some time to either open my own account and keep the phone or to give up the phone. And so, I waited a week after my bf graduated from high school to move out. The day I moved out was June 3rd this year. Suddenly, their true colors showed.
My bf would tell me how his grandmother would tell him that now that I moved out, it’s more quiet and peaceful there. I always stayed in his bedroom with him when I lived there. Then, one night during dinner, his grandmother told him that I’m not allowed over unless she’s there home. This was something I could work with.
Two days after moving out, I was on a video call with my bf. Then his grandmother barges into his room. He asks for her to give him a minute to get a shirt on. Immediately walking in, his grandmother shouts and curses at him to clean his room. She says how trashy the house is and how it’s never been like that before I was living there. His grandmother continues by bringing up my name, blaming it on me for why the house is so messy. If I recall, his grandmother always sat in her recliner in the living room, ordering someone to do something for her. If it was to pick up the feces or mop the urine of her dogs, to go get her some food, or to fix something for her. I understand she’s elderly but even when it came to helping around the house, she didn’t help much. The only thing she would be okay with is washing her laundry. Anytime it was her turn to wash the dishes, it would take her weeks to get to it. Sometimes it would be dumped onto someone else to do it. Even when she would do it, she would throw them into the dishwasher instead of handwashing like everyone else did.
Continuing from when she yelled at my bf to clean his room, it’s not like his room was as much of a mess as hers. If anything, my bf had some clutter on his desk, clutter on the nightstand, and a shirt or two on the floor. My bf continuously says how he asked nicely to leave that he wanted privacy. She then calls him a lazy hog and for him to get himself together. My bf was of course sad with me moving out so for her to talk to him like that was ridiculous. I heard all that was said. His mother came into the room and defended his grandma. His mom then makes an inappropriate comment, thinking it would lighten the mood. “Mom, he could have been jacking off.” No one laughs of course. I would let him go to clean but hearing his voice, he wasn’t doing okay. He later told me he didn’t appreciate the mistreatment he received and how his grandmother disrespected him.
June 7th, Friday, my bf and I made plans to have a date the next night. I was going to come over anyways to pick up what I had left when I packed to move out. He asked his mother first if I could stay over for some time and hang out when I get stuff that I left over there. She was okay with it but didn’t seem so enthusiastic. This gave my bf a bad taste in his mouth. He then asked his grandmother if it was okay. She struck out saying absolutely not that she doesn’t understand what he saw to be with me. She tells him how terrible of a girlfriend I am and that she should have met me before allowing me to move in. She continues saying how she did all this stuff for me just to return it by disrespecting her. As I said before, I never would defend myself against anything they would say about me. While living there, I wouldn’t ask much. I would clean whenever it was needed. Sometimes I would provide meals whenever I could. Never did his family show that they were grateful for what I could do. Even the phone they gifted me, I never asked for one. Of course I’m thankful for what they did. I’m just in disbelief with the reverse that this was. That’s when it became a serious discussion with my bf about making plans to move out and live with his father. He agreed and told his dad all that was happening. Dad gave the go ahead but they needed to talk to his mother.
Yesterday, as I was on the way to get my stuff, my bf was told by his grandmother that I’m not allowed to step foot into the house to grab my stuff. She told him that he would need to do it. And so he did. We took him with us to spend the night. I felt as though it was better for him to so he can get away from his family and to rest. Now it’s present day. Boyfriend left hours ago to have the conversation with his mother about moving in with his dad. When he got home, his grandmother and great aunt asked all what we did and where I was sleeping at my friend’s house. Without thinking, he told them I was sleeping in my friend’s bedroom but in friend’s walk in closet. But instead of saying walk in closet, he says closet. His grandmother and great aunt laugh, making fun of me and ask why couldn’t I just move back in with my family and sleep in my own bed. My boyfriend has had enough of his mother’s side of the family that he’s planning to cut them off after he moves out. He continues saying that in the future, they will not be invited to our wedding and they will never get to see our kids. His family comments of me has made him lose respect towards them. Ever since I moved out, I haven’t spoken to them. It’s only been six days. Only person I’ve talked to is his mother and it was only to return the phone they got me. I don’t understand where it went to it being okay with me coming over to not being allowed to visit. My bf keeps me updated and is planning to move out from there in two days. He’s already told his mother that he’s going to move in with his dad for the summer. He’s said that to avoid problems for the moment but he will eventually get all his stuff and make the move permanent. I wish I could end on a light note but I can’t help to mention how his mother tells him that his father is not black enough to teach him anything, when nothing of that sort was mentioned. I’m in between of feeling bad that maybe I should have done more for his family or feeling angry.
Updates and edits may be added if anything new comes up. AITA for telling my bf to move out?

Axstrom's Notes

1. The list is here: jump list with gauntlet section
2. The draw (1-177) is 11, 115, 176, 169, 151
   1. Drawing 5 - new mechanic is increased jumper choice so all are valid
   2. 11 is HEX - a 1985 computer board game
   3. 115 is SUPERHOT - the famous shooter video game where time only moves when you docs
   4. 176 is Ib - a horror video game where you are trapped in a cursed art gallery
   5. 169 is Fall Guys Ultimate Knockout - the platformy battle royale game
   6. 151 is Three Star - Start a restaurant and earn 3 Michelin stars within 10 years
   7. Jumper chooses Fall Guys Ultimate Knockout
      1. Jump Doc
      2. Reddit discussion

Build Notes

1. Drawbacks - Gauntlet life means plenty
   1. Shifting Events - random changes in events - This is almost like a freebie, since other competitors are affected just as much as me
   2. Oof! - feel the pain and distraction - I can feel the pain but still power through it
   3. Worst Event - an event you hate (but aren't necessarily bad at) - another freebie since this was bound to happen anyway, now I get points for it
   4. Incompetents - team events always put you with the bad team - this was going to be the case subjectively anyway
2. Companions - None
3. Origin - Fall Guy (mandatory)
4. Perks
   1. Kudos for You! (free/mandatory/temporary) - get in-game currency for doing well
   2. Front of the Pack - always have a good starting position in contests
   3. Timing - intuitive understanding of your own speed, the cyclical period of obstacles, and exactly when to jump or dodge
   4. Awareness - Sense things outside your field of vision
   5. Like a Cat - Always land on your feet and slight ability to change direction midair
5. Items - None
6. Prizes
   1. One Win - customizable fall guys pocket dimension (via warehouse attachment or in-jump door)
   2. Sixty Win Consolation Prize - for sixty wins in a season, one project or product of yours per jump becomes wildly successful
   3. Highest Kudos Consolation Prize - significant luck boost

Jump Notes

1. Day -6
   1. We fly to an isolated area so we can enter the warehouse without witnesses, to avoid any confusion
   2. According to the pattern my benefactor established, I should be due for another rule change and a gauntlet, so I check the lounge immediately
      1. There's no note on the door this time, and no one inside to speak with me, but there is a card on the coffee table:
      2. Indeed, there are now five envelopes, each describing a different gauntlet I could visit
      3. After a bit of thought, I opt for Fall Guys, as I can at least expect it to be quick and merciful, and affix the sticker to my jump tracking chart
   3. I turn my attention back to the biosphere teleport to the observation deck, and make note of what's changed in the last ten years
      1. At the macro level things seems to be similar - the islands are in the same places, but there is noticeably more going on in the factory complex
      2. With the end of the jump, the Zetan Mothership had warped into the extra-dimensional Big Garage, and the alien crew were occasionally filtering into the rest of the warehouse and biosphere area
      3. The Bards had built an amphitheater from a hill near the housing complex early on, and by now it had grown into a full-blown outdoor theater, with an excavated pit, curtain system, and similar facilities
      4. The biggest change had been on the islands assigned to the halflings, which were now full of farms, ranches, and workshops
   4. With a steady supply of fresh food now including cereals, fruits, seafood, and meat, they grocery preference was adjusted toward supplemental items like spices and unusual ingredients
      1. This time Pawl has some trained or programmed robots helping with the meal preparation - likely J-Borg's influence, but the meal is divine, and he even has been saving up shrimp from the warehouse grocery's plan to make a feast for the Zetans
2. Most of the team hasn't heard of Fall Guys before, but it's one of the 1500 or so games installed on the Game Room's servers
   1. We spend much of the week trying to come up with strategies for the various levels and challenges
   2. I don't tell the companions that the next batch of jumps will be partially my choice, but more than once I hear one of them say "It would be interesting to visit ..." or similar remarks, and I wonder if somehow they know, or I'm just sensitive to it now that I do
3. Day 1 of 60
   1. With the weird twisty feeling of a jump, and the sudden awareness of how much I am now lacking, I find myself in a throng of bean-people, some in costumes, watching a brief countdown before running a course of rotating platforms and knock-down bars
      1. I did ok in that first race, and even though I didn't finish first, I qualified to go to the next level
      2. After two levels, I failed to qualify in a team game sort of like basketball, and was kicked out of the match
   2. After the match, I was sent to a strange room
      1. The first things I noticed were areas that looked sort of like walk-in showers with glass doors I could open and step through, one labeled "next match" and one labeled "end day"
      2. But there was also a strange thing that seemed like a combination of dollhouse, wardrobe, and vending machine
   3. I had thought about it, and told myself that I'd devote my first day to learning my limits and getting used to my body and advantages, rather than just trying to win immediately
      1. This was good as my second match started with a team tail tag event, wherein my team seemed to have forgotten how to effectively run away
   4. After a few more matches (or maybe a lot) I had the hang of things, and finally got first place in a match 5. Figuring it best to end on a high note, I decided to try the "end day" option, which resulted in another trap door - leading to a bed perfectly suited for a pill, on which I instantly fell asleep
4. Day 2 of 60
   1. I woke up to my bed being gently tipped, resulting in me falling through, yes, another trapdoor, which somehow led back to my "green room" as I'd taken to calling it
      1. This time the greenroom had a new feature: A screen showing "59 days remaining", and a few stats about me and the competition
   2. I once again tried to focus on practice and calibration for a bit
      1. It seems like even my bodymod enhancements, which should give me great advantages in strength, speed, and reaction, had been significantly tuned down
      2. But I was consistently lucky in my starting position, and I seemed to fare better when getting knocked around, as well as judging jumps and dives
   3. This time I got my victory earlier - on my fifth match of the day
      1. But rather than "quit while ahead", I decided to try to grind through a bit more to see if I could improve my standing in point totals
5. Day 10 of 60
   1. I hate the Lost Temple
      1. It's not even a team event, where I expect suckage, it's just random bullshit
   2. And I hate my teammates
      1. I think it's intentionally pairing me with bots, or babies maybe? It's hard to tell
   3. But through perseverance, I have managed to get myself into the top 5% of scorers for the season
   4. I learned that the scoreboard screen has more functions
      1. I can see a history of my games and watch replays, and see the names of other players involved, plus get some more stats about myself and the season
   5. I tried a few goofy outfits, but I have mostly been wearing the plain blue bean-condom - I just don't feel comfortable in the weird ones with lots of parts flailing around
6. Day 30 of 60
   1. I wake up and check the leaderboard - it seems unchanged from last night
      1. It seems most players only play a few matches per day, and I spent a fair amount of time yesterday reviewing replays
      2. I barely need to sleep, but I think the others need it more
      3. I'm still in 7th place - I'm trying to keep the gap between me and #1 narrow, but not so much as to make the top 3 feel the need to play even more matches
   2. I start my first match of the day - it seems to be only slightly different than the first map I played on day one: spinning platforms resembling propellers, with spinning bars
      1. I yield the lead to a random, but keep pace with him while blocking anyone behind me as well as I can
      2. I dive to tackle the leading bean, right as he should be jumping to avoid the obstacles
      3. The bar hits us both and we go flying - the rando off to the side, and I manage to fly directly over the next moving platform, saving myself precious seconds
      4. With a sizeable lead, I race over the rolling logs, dodge the swinging hammers just on time, and hit the finish line - first again
   3. After that match, I spend some time reviewing games - my own mistakes, but also the play style of the rest of the top 10, I know that as the season comes to a close, I'm going to have to make a run for their leads, and they won't want to give them up easily
7. Day 45 of 60
   1. I drop into my green room and see I'm still #7, and the gap is still manageable
   2. I play matches constantly today - starting each as soon as I'm able
      1. I'm curious about how it builds the rosters for each match, and trying an experiment
   3. I play for hours, grateful that my body and mind don't tire like most people
      1. The Temple and team events still frustrate me, but I'm not going for first place today, not pulling out my best tricks, and the shear number of matches nets me a sizeable amount of kudos
   4. After some ridiculous number of matches, I notice some strange trends
      1. In team matches, the enemy teams now seem to be as bad as mine
      2. My competitors also don't seem to be really trying to win - a larger portion of them seem to be just charging ahead heedless of obstacles, which makes the rounds take much longer to finish
      3. More noticeably, I spend far longer waiting after being washed and dressed, presumably as the system finds enough competitors for a match
8. Day 46 of 60
   1. I don't even start a match when I wake up - the leaderboard has me at #4, which is where I stopped my "grinding" yesterday for fear of sparking a trend of even more matches per day
   2. Instead, I study the replays of the games from yesterday
      1. I wasn't fooling myself - after a while, the quality of competition dropped sharply
      2. And it seemed like the pool of competitors was even early in the day, and skewed toward the bottom quartile more as the day dragged on
      3. Even those players weren't quite playing their usual way though - well, some were extremely consistent but some weren't
      4. It makes me wonder if it's waking them up from sleep to fill a match, or some of them are bots or simulations, or something else
9. Day 60 of 60
   1. The end-of-season race heated up despite my efforts to not cause it so
   2. The day drags on, and I keep myself at #4 by alternating between games and watching replays
   3. Eventually I see that the updates are becoming less frequent, and go into action, starting to play in earnest
      1. I easily qualify through the first rounds, even carrying my team through Hoarders despite themselves
      2. The game announces the final round, and the countdown starts at 3...
   4. I unleash - taking full advantage of my positional superiority, my unmatched timing, my freakish ability to land where and how I want, and most importantly, my endurance
      1. I'm trying to build an insurmountable and intimidating lead
      2. I know the playstyle, preferred outfits, and rough ranking of each of the 300 competitors in my group this season
      3. After rigorous testing, I've determined that I still have an ever so slight advantage in straightaway speed and jump distance over my competitors - the benefits of my body mod being compressed so as to be almost unnoticeable, but not completely wiped out
   5. The gap between me and #2 is now the same as the gap between #2 and #9 - but I see that others in the top ten at least are still gaining points even as the day wanes on
      1. I keep going all-out, not winning every match as luck and teammates interfere, but consistently qualifying and gaining Kudos to maintain and grow my lead
   6. I get placed in a match with #2, the former #1, "Alan", if the Sorcerer skin he prefers is really him
      1. I don't need the points right now, so I target him - blocking and tackling him at every opportunity, getting us both eliminated
      2. Then I do it again in the next match
      3. When he drops to #3 I go back to exploiting my small but meaningful advantages and rack up some more points
   7. And I keep going, even longer than I did on Day 45 - switching between building my lead and tormenting the runners up
   8. And then, when I step into the "Next Match" tube for the 42nd time that day, the trapdoor slide drops me into the entrance hall of my warehouse, dumping a certificate of achievement and a heap of bean-fitting clothes on my head

Notes on the Jump Doc

1. I came in having seen the game played, but not tried it myself. Fortunately there lots of recordings and forum posts about the game
2. The perk descriptions were brief and straightforward, which I like
   1. It would be nice if they had a bit more description of how to apply in other settings, but most are pretty self-explanatory
   2. There's not a lot of options here - just a few perks and no items, but that's appropriate for a gauntlet focused on this particular game. If you want something more broad and extensive, this probably isn't the gauntlet (or videogame) for you
   3. I could see a non-gauntlet version including more for other game modes and such, but I don't think it would really be an improvement
3. Similarly the drawbacks and prizes were quite clear, if also not very numerous
   1. Speaking of the prizes, I liked the tiers / options
4. Coming in at nine pages, this is a short but not too short description of the gauntlet
5. The one area I would have liked a bit more elaboration on is how the gauntlet interacts with existing bodymod improvements
   1. I chose to almost completely negate the physical improvements, because they would have been too much in this gauntlet
6. Overall, this is what you'd expect
   1. if you're into Fall Guys, go for it
   2. If you want a low-stakes gauntlet with a fixed short duration, this is perfect
   3. The 400 point perk (Mulligan) isn't something I've seen elsewhere, so that might be another reason to take this

30 - Fall Guys Ultimate Knockout Gauntlet Build

Point Summary

Point Total: 1600 CP 1000 (Base) + 600 (Jump Drawbacks)

Jump Details

Document name: 30 - Fall Guys Ultimate Knockout
GauntletVersion: v1.2
Author: LordCirce
Source: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1uReM1mMRvL2QrAni_plhqFtoLq-c8RCs/view

Jump Duration

Days: 60

Origin

Origin: Fall Guy There is only one origin here: Fall Guy.
As a Fall Guy, you are a short, squat humanoid, with a jelly bean-shaped body. You have a limited amount of body control, generally waddling around and occasionally jumping, but you have a ridiculous amount of durability, easily capable of handling being smacked hard enough to fly through the air, or surviving a long fall while landing on your head with nary a scratch. Your face consists of just a pair of eyes, with the rest of your body generally wrapped up in some sort of costume, though you are still capable of making sounds and even eating while spectating, though the actual method is... unknown. However, you don’t strictly need to eat or drink or even sleep. You might get a bit loopy without rest, but that isn’t a big change from how most Fall Guys act. You do lose access to Perks and Items and such from prior Jumps while you are here.

Perks

Kudos For You! (Free)
While you are here, any Episode that you compete in will earn you Kudos, the main form of currency used by Fall Guys. The farther you get in an Episode, the more you will earn, and if you do things that are particularly impressive or awesome looking, you’ll get a bit more. This currency can be used to purchase a variety of things, primarily cosmetic changes for your individualized outfit, but it is also used in day-to-day life of the Fall Guys as well for things like snacks or souvenirs.
Front Of The Pack [100/900 CP]
It can be difficult when your starting position is randomly set to the back corner of the starting area, meaning everyone else has a chance to run forward before you can even get going. Now, you will always be positioned at the front and in the general middle, giving you the best position for starting out. In future Jumps, this will translate to a similar bonus in other competitions, helping to place you in an advantageous position before the contest starts.
Timing [100/800 CP]
Frequently, the difference between success and fall-ure in the competition is split-second timing. You now have a clear grasp of timing, being able to accurately judge how quickly you are capable of moving, the timing cycles of various obstacles, and when you need to jump or dive to avoid them.
Awareness [200/600 CP]
It is like you have eyes in the back of your head. Or maybe a ‘third-person awareness’. You can sense when something is happening outside of your field of vision, and respond appropriately.
Like A Cat [200/400 CP]
Oops. You stepped wrong, and now you are hurtling through the air like a sack of sand that thinks it’s a duck. Luckily, you’ll somehow manage to land on your feet. Anytime that you end up falling or flying through the air, you’ll be able to right yourself so you can land on your feet, absorbing the impact so you can keep waddling towards the finish line, and you’ll be able to slightly direct your momentum while you are in the air to land at the point you intended. Highest Kudos Consolation Prize (Free)
Less of a consolation prize and more of an alternate win method. In short, if you have managed to gain the most Kudos of any other competitor during this current season (don’t worry, there is a scoreboard that can allow you to check how you are ranking up), then you can win this version of the prize. You don’t get a full slider, but you do have a permanent and significant boost to your luck. All sorts of minor events will go your way (rain stopping nearby when you don’t have an umbrella, getting to a bakery just in time for the last ‘everything’ bagel, etc). It is still possible for you to fail through concerted effort by others or your own complacency, but it won’t happen just from random chance.

Items

One Win (Free)
You actually won an Episode! Congratulations! In celebration of your accomplishment, you get a Fall Guy Arena Space. This is a pocket dimension, filled with pink slime and having several floating platforms and blocks that can be rearranged into the shape of obstacles. You are capable of freely reshaping the space and structures within here, though nothing inside can be taken out. You can use this to host your own version of Ultimate Knockout, with anyone who enters this space gaining a Fall Guy form while they are here. This space can connect to your warehouse, or can be linked up to a colorful door that you can insert somewhere in any future Jump.
Sixty Win Consolation Prize (Free)
So, you missed out on victory on a few days, but you still managed at least sixty wins overall. So, you now get a limited version of the prize. Effectively, you can pick any one single discrete project or product that you develop during a given Jump (or every 10 years post-Spark), and have it be a runaway success. All other projects will succeed or fail on their own merits. As before, if you win the highest prize, you can pick between the full Midas Touch, or the limited consolation version.

Drawbacks

Shifting Events [100/500 CP]
Normally, events will remain the same between Episodes, with only maybe hidden obstacles changing their position. Now, however, things will change between events. Maybe an obstacle will have the order of obstacles changed, or there will be swinging pendulums replacing spinning bars in a section. Events will never look quite the same twice in a row, so you and your competitors won’t simply be able to rely on a ‘standard’ approach to win.
Oof! [100/600 CP]
Well, you might not get injured, but unfortunately, you do still have a sense of pain. It isn’t crippling (falling off a building and landing on your head would leave you seeing stars for a few seconds, before the pain vanishes), but it could be distracting during an Episode.
Worst Event [100/700 CP]
There is this one event that you absolutely hate doing. You find it annoying, demeaning, a waste of time. But, unfortunately, it will show up in over 80% of the Episodes you compete in. Better get used to gritting your possibly non-existent teeth.
Incompetents [300/1000 CP]
On occasion, the events that you will undergo will split you into teams with your fellow competitors, forcing you to work together or you all fail. Sadly for you, your teams always seem to be below average in performance. Uncoordinated and unskilled, they will require you to put in a lot of effort to ‘carry’ them to victory, and team events will show up at least every other Episode you compete in, if not more often.

First of all, I’m not fluent in English so I’m sorry for my poor English. I’ve been throwing in bad day last night after that day everything was fine so I want to bed at 12 in the middle of the night, I wake at 2:am and I didn’t get any sleep until 6:30 am , meanwhile I should get up at 7:30am . So at that that time I had maybe 3 very bad nightmare, and I wake at everyone and I’m tired and go again to bed until the last one it was very bad, So I wake up for a seconds and I’m scared, so I said to my self: I’m tired my brain it’s not think about any thing. All the sudden, I don’t know how come on my mind the ( Astral projection) . So I said it’s the time let’s start . I tried to get sleep and trying to make my soul out of my body,and it’s really happen in a few seconds maybe 15 . So all the sudden I’m outside my body looking at my self, it was me laying on the bed with opening eyes, so that going for a 5 second and I was so scared so I shocked , when I wake my body was freezing for 10 seconds I can’t move my body or screaming because I want that but I can’t do any thing like (Completely disabled) , And I want to mention during that 10 seconds while I’m trying to move my body or whatever, My brain was ringing so bad until I got control . So , Is there any explanation about that ?? Thanks

I just wanted to share my personal experience listening to all songs from Clancy. I don't know anyone else who is this much into TOP. This is gonna be a long read. Would love to hear from you all!
P.S. I am not trying to hate on any songs. Also, this is NOT a rating.
​

1. Overcompensate - I was absolutely HYPED when the trailer came out with the movie-like intro. The beat switch was such a pleasant surprise. I LOVE Josh's drums as well as Tyler's sick flow EARNED MY STRAPS THREE HUNDRED TRACKS! Got me hyped for the album.
2. Next Semester - I had such a love-hate relationship with this song. It came out while I was dying with stress finishing up my dissertation, so the lyrics felt too close for comfort. But I slowly got over the denial and got addicted to it! It is currently my most streamed song in 2024.
3. Backslide - Anyone else feel like some songs come out exactly when you need them? This is what Backslide was for me. Also Paul Meany revealing that the outro is a chopped piano was such a mindboggler!
4. The Craving (single version) - I love this song so much! And the music video completely elevated the feelings that this song brings. It has given me a new appreciation for their songs as well as art in general, how so much effort and thought is put into each tiny bit.
5. Midwest Indigo - ALBUM RELEASE DAY! I remember walking back home from the library at 3 AM, putting on Midwest Indigo, and smiling so hard at the "Chill out man" part haha! The outro kinda throws me off making me feel like the song drags a bit.
6. Routine In The Night - Extremely catchy pre-chorus and chorus, I catch myself moving to it every so often!
7. Vignette - CLINGING TOOOOOO..... PROMISESSSSS....... Also, someone pointed out how Tyler can be seen trying to control his laugh during the final "It's for a friend" section, makes me laugh every time!
8. The Craving (Jenna's version) - Similar to the single version, I love this so much! Although the lyrics are the same, the bare instrumental and Tyler's "raw" vocals arouse a completely different set of feelings within me. It's so cute! I think I would appreciate this song even more if I wasn't single lol
9. Lavish - Chill song, although I will admit I do not like this one as much as I do the others. The music video is one of my faves though!
10. Navigating - Okay I know how much everybody in the fanbase loves this song, but this one's not for me :/
11. Snap Back - Another song I had a love-hate relationship with. After the last couple of songs, I went into this one negatively on the first listen and did not particularly like it. But it has grown so much on me, that I cannot stop listening to it now! The "Elasticity" part with Tyler's "Wooooo" in the background, is one of my favourite moments on the album. Also, Tyler doing his dancey-dance in the MV in the end!
12. Oldies Station - I CANNOT tell you how deeply I feel for this song. Every line cuts deep. When the synth lead hits leading into "You don't quite mind....", I get chills every time. Easily one of my favourite TOP songs of all time.
13. ATROFD - I love how the melody gives off a silly vibe and it complements the lyrical content perfectly! I also remember seeing a clip of someone catching the boys during the MV recording, with Josh and his drums on the top and Tyler hanging about under lol
14. Paladin Strait - Love the epic buildup and consequent delivery (in contrast to Leave the City, which is such a cliffhanger instrumental-wise). However, this song feels incomplete without the MV. I think the MV will answer a lot of our questions, including the minute-long break. On the edge of my seat, can't wait for the MV to release!

Special mention - I feel like Josh kills it with the drums across the whole album. The drums stand out on every single song!
My favs: Next Semester The Craving (single and Jenna's version) Snap Back Oldies Station ATROFD

Hi there, thank you for reading this and glad to join the ranks of DM! I created a short one-shot with part of my group, when lots of us wanted to play, buy DMs and most members were busy. After that, they loved it so much that, today, almost a month after the initial session, i've finished a 3rd, this one introducing out main DM (that honestly wanted to play, for once. the other DM only fills in when the main one is missing).
I'd love, if you have the patience to read this full way, to give me some sort of feedback. I've obviously asked their opinions, but, as i do to my DMs, i only mention things when they are VERY wrong. Most of the time, nothing big comes up, so feedback is positive (if we particularly liked an encounter or npc). I'd like someone else(reddit hivemind)'s opinion.
As a background, this is my 3rd session as a DM, and the one i was most unprepared as far as homework is concerned. I didn't know where or what they wanted to do, so i simply had a concrete set of things that could happen and go from there.
I'll give you the setting below, but i just want to mention, as i told my group, this is just for fun and just to do crazy stuff (that wouldn't destabilize, say, an entire continent. so i often ask them what they would be interested in further, to the point in which, one of the players tried communing to their god so much, i gave them a normally useless/flavor item, but they can use it to hold concentration on a 2nd spell. Anyway, i'm rambling. Just know i bend the rules for story and flavor, but keep encounters within 5e rules.
Right, the setting. Some of this will be covered as spoilers, if you want to figure things out along with the players.
Players start in the official WotC universe, it doesn't really matter if it's Forgotten Realms or not, they are taken from there to Island thought a unnatural encounter (A dark storm cloud that came chasing them from the back of the ship. In one case, initial players tried to flee from it. Another group, due to the background of the player, was a naval battle (not played mechanically, just being caught in the storm during the battle)
Any new players can be brought to the Island, and it fits the plot. They start by meeting part of the crew in a tavern, on any city or island with a dock. Players are either new recruits to this "pirate" crew, or simply ask for safe passage, not as crewmen. Crew (names can be in the comment if you want): Captain, 1st Mate, and 6 more crewmates; two v close ones that are the "muscle", and another 4. There are more that can be added, but this is at the start. After their first meeting, i did a small fight with another pirate crew, for my initial players, while for the others, they just wanted to catch up the rest, so we got them to the island as fast as possible. I even allowed them to keep good equipment stored under deck, to not be lost.
They wake up on the beach, shipwrecked. Once on the island, there were a number of checks players had available, depending on what they were interested in: Location/Time -> Noon, sun is at the apex Themselves/ex. Medicine check -> No wounds, maybe missing 5hp at most, but they find a Silver necklace, with a large, blank, circle form in the middle. When they put it on: >! They have a series of visions of a figure, facial traits and voice shifting wild for a moment, before becoming limited to 1,2 or 3 different entities, sharing/fighting for control to speak and be heard over the others.!<Depending on your player's background, you can give them a selection of deities across all pantheons (haven't made a decision on Primeval ones), which the player can make a choice on, even evil ones, if they really want to. Once they agree to a god, their holy symbol will be engraved in the silver necklace they put on. Checking the boat -> Immediately obvious, this is not the ship they were sailing on. The damage to it was different (one was struck by lightning in the middle of the deck, the other should have had cannon holes after the skirmish) Both of them are visibly not the ships they were on at first. I game them a different name for both the ships they traveled on and the ships they woke up on, so in total, 4 different names.
Surroundings -> Immediate vicinity - the other players, Captain, 1st mate, the 6 from the tavern and, if needed, other npcs if pcs want to bring someone else with them, or if they wanted to world build with more cremates. i was thinking for the potential of this small campaign i have and it can easily add more characters. I actually should create the base versions at least before it gets repetitive. you'll understand later
Surroundings -> What is next to us - 3 hours away, on the coastline, another shipwreck. For those players that weren't satisfied with just this, and turned around, they would see, approximatelly the same distance from the first one they saw, another, 3rd shipwreck, counting for your own as well Surrondings -> In-land - A eeriely well define change in the flora. You start off at the beach, at 100-150yr you start so see a few palm trees spread here and there, which eventually, another 100-150yr deeper, turn into a dense jungle-biom. For players with flying, they can also see the jungle has an end, at which there is an elevated plateau above even above the trees (jungle ~200-300yr, plateau another 150~), at the center of which they see a thin volcano, perfectly aligned with the sun. first spoiler, players can hear no fauna. No birds or other animals, anywhere on the island. This is generally where players realize this the first time. Second spoiler, it so happened this is the first time the first group checked the sky again and noticed the Sun was still at the apex, as if it was mid-day. Yes, i've made 15h day with only noon, and a 5 second sunset, before the atmosphere is taken over by an early night, the light from the sun beginning to leave the sky
Once the party figure out they are no longer in Kansas, those that haven't had the choice made, are told they should think about putting on the necklace Doing a headcount, only 1/3 of the crew that sailed off is present. 1/3 is missing with no trace, 1/3 could be attributed to some weird tracks This third of the crew can be either nameless or it can be used to take out any character the DM wants. What players see, there are dips in the sand, then tracks, then nothing. So, someone was there, got up, took a number of steps, then disappeared from their spot. This will be somewhat explained later
Now, from here, i really liked a system the guys from Dimension 20 did. Sure, hate me if you want :)). Basically, once they all wake up, they have certain checks they need to make. At first, daily, later on, weekly. These include: Two Survival checks, one for Food one for Shelter. There is a Crew Maintenance check as well. All three of these are mandatory on each track. What the player chooses to do for these is totally up to them. For Food, the first players salvaged tens of rations, so they just needed to subtract the consumption, while the 2nd group didn't consider it and had to forage when i asked them what they're going to eat today (they have ways of finding food, but i wanted to make rations relevant, stranded island and all). As for Shelter, they first cleared out the boat, to sleep inside, then they started building some cover outside the ship, as well as some barricades, so they can't be approached from 180 degrees. I've counted these as valid for those checks.
Aside from the 3 mandatory ones, they can also choose to do Self Improvement (ex, training into a new proficiency, wizard learning new spells etc), Exploration (figure out the terrain, it's how they found the 2 other ships mentioned above) Relations (if they want to get on better terms with the entire or part of the crew, or even have 1 on 1 time with people. I awarded this with either unlocking some piece of info they didn't realize initially, or give them advantage when asking the crew to agree with them with a persuasion roll. made it meaningful for the player. We have 3 more: The Mystery track (spending time here would have me guide them towards a place or a piece of info they haven't yet encountered or uncovered; basically "Help, what do i do now" option. After this is the Commune track, which everyone must participate in during a full moon. If they don't they will miss out, Doing this at least once is a milestone for levelup oh yes, we use milestones, so they can go through levels faster in a shorter time. it just makes sense for me in this campaign, then the Rest track (to get rid of Stress. What is stress ? if you fail any check you try to make, in this set of tracks i've listed, you can take a Stress token, up to 5, to reroll that check. Each Stress token taken something away, ex, Losing proficiency with a tool, a weapon or a skill, having one of your pieces need repair after excessive use, and requiring them to not only relive the stress, but also fix the this they almost broke. Basically, stress is a temporary hinderance they can get rid of by resting.
Players have time for 3 of these checks during the day and 1 after sun-down, if they want to do something optional. Also, another thing about the checks, they start off easy, at 5 or 10 DC for a success (the threshold went up as they leveled up), to which you add 5 more to the DC for each other check they do on the track. For example, a player could spend one day: 1st, Foraging or Fishing, with a DC of 5 (This covered the mandatory Fool track), 2nd he cooks it at DC 10 (this is the Crew Maintenance), 3rd he wants to spend the time with a friend in the crew, for a DC 20 charisma check. He fails, takes a Stress, then rerolls and succeeds. Lastly, he spends the early night watching the sea and trying to relax. That would mean a 25DC in order to relax, which can be number of things, but the only time someone had to do a rest, they rolled a Con ability check and passed it, so they lost the stress.
I'll end off with a cryptic i've left the players with, and well as what i actually planned to be going on. Thank you so much if you've read this far, let me know if you have questions or anything you can tell me, i appreciate you xo
Message, with forbidden knowledge, which players are not privy to yet: "Welcome, adventurers, to ($&#@*%) Island. Keep your senses sharp, as during the ($#@%^&%), your prowess and determination will be tested. When you are ready, make your way to the center of (^$#%$^#) Volcano and determine whom amongst you is worthy of being the new (&$#*$#@) of your God."
>! Welcome, adventurers, to FINAL Island. Keep your senses sharp, as during the BATTLEROYALE your prowess and determination will be tested. When you are ready, make your way to the center of ARENA Volcano and determine whom amongst you is worthy of being the new AVATAR of your God. !<

TBH, i tried to railroad them a bit where needed. Seeing they don't say the words, i've had pieces unlocked from their chosen god. In short, it is a competition in which Gods must participate, choose their champions and help them win the event. This will of course give the players riches beyond imagining, a wish spells, maybe 2 wish spells, who knows!? For those that didn't want to make a decision and not want to either, i told my players "You can refuse each and every deity you want, but that means another one will talk to you. That's where the Captain plays a role. At the start, i've asked the players to start as non-magic users, but being able to multiclass once they reach the island. They find out a bit later that there are no Warlocks in the crewmate.. it doesn't even cross their mind. until they realize, their captain is a Warlock. The only thing he did is he refused every single God. So, if a players wants to play Warlock, i told them they would have to speak and refuse every god i can see listed in the pantheon. And yes, there is something at the end of the line. !<

I don't know if i've missed anything big so far. It's already a long post and the story if really convoluted as is. If you'd like to ask about it, feel free, i'd love to talk about it more. Cheers evveryone!

Background: 35F dx of pots and migraines, hx of ovarian cyst bursting/pain until started skipping periods via skipping placebos in birth control pill since mid 20’s due to irregular, heavy, extremely painful periods. Every pap has come back positive for high risk hpv but every colposcopy is neg so my gyn said I could stop getting colps two years ago.
Current issue: 2 weeks ago abdomen very distended with a hard vertical line from sternum to umbilicus. So distended it is painful in abdomen to breathe sometimes, no change in or with bowel movements for first 1-1.5 weeks, sometimes a bit fluctuation with bladder emptying. For last 5 days or so the distention has gone down to where you can’t see it under clothes and the fluctuation in bloating does seem to have some correlation with BMs but not always.
But I can’t sleep thru night bc my bladder will get full feeling easier and cause extreme gas pains (hx of full bladder during night causing extreme painful gas pains but weirdly always happened during a sex dream where I would sometimes feel a pop in my lower abdomen that would wake me up in extreme pain at the time of climax in dream. This used to happen around 5-10 times a year for years) but since being distended has been almost every night and not always with a dream. And it doesn’t even have to be a full bladder anymore, almost every night I am awakened with the urge to urinate and extreme pains until I pass gas or have a bowel movement and even with BM the pain will linger for up to an hour. I have tried not eating/drinking hours before bed but it hasn’t helped. I can’t get into gyn until end of month and I need a new doctor so I won’t be able to get a new pt appointment until next month. Any suggestions for treatment/symptom management would be greatly appreciated until I can get testing done!

This is obviously just my personal opinion. I chose to start my trip in Palermo because of the airport, the fact it was allegedly not touristy (had never even heard of it before googling airports), allegedly inexpensive, and existence of pretty churches.
Before I get into my list, I should add I've been to many actual third world countries. So some of my complaints should not be taken as me wanting some polished/manicured vacation. I can handle grit.

• Dirty. I mean several piles of garbage reaching the first floor dirty. Must stare at ground at all times because of constant feces. Train station to Quattro Canti apparently an open air urinal. Napoli is a 5 star resort compared to Palermo. Napoli is dirty, Palermo is more like a failed state.
  
• Not safe for woman traveling alone. I got catcalled several times a day, every day, including at 8AM on a Sunday morning which was the most over the top time I got catcalled. Didn't feel that safe walking around on small side streets including where my hotel was, which pushed me towards the god awful main streets.
  
• the main tourist streets were shoulder to shoulder, day and night, with vendors screaming and grabbing at you to go into their shop/restaurant, all beyond overpriced and/or filled with Chinese junk. Tourists looked shell shocked. Vendors looked shell shocked. It was just horrible and did I mention shoulder to shoulder. Oh and cars/mopeds trying to go where they aren't allowed to go and trying to run over the crowds. This was the supposedly "nice" "tourist" area.
  
• Via Roma only has traffic lights when you get way out, I wanted to go to Kalsa but I wished not to die. Yeah yeah "they'll stop for you" but it's bumber to bumper speeding traffic and I've been hit by a car before so no thank you. I don't think a traffic light or two, at least at the train station, will kill anyone. It's literally like trying to cross a never-ending six lane highway during rush hour and just "hoping" cars will stop. I actually still have nightmares about via Roma.
  
• I'll add to this that staying out of the city center wasn't really possible given the poor state of public transit. Yes I tried to take public transit. The bus was wild like 100 people trying to rush the bus.
  
• Noise pollution: there's maybe 3hrs of silence where you can sleep. So many screaming drunk people, screaming vendors, cars/mopeds honking at each other even at 4AM...
  
• Prices are cheap for raw ingredients, but eating at the restaurant is either comparable to or more expensive than most other cities in Europe. E.g. very small portion of vegetarian pasta is about 10€ + 2-3€ service charge. Most cities in Europe will get you much larger portions for that price and non-vegetarian. I have absolutely zero problem paying an average price for food. But the average city in Europe you aren't fighting that level of crowds, garbage, catcalling, actual 10 year olds publicly drinking,etc.
  

Again, I know different people experience varies. But everyone I have spoken to that I met while traveling said the exact same thing about how horrible Palermo is. It's not just me.
I'd like if possible for the comment section to not deteriorate into "you're a bad tourist for not knowing x, y, z" but rather to actually share tips on how to have a better experience in Palermo. Because despite everything I don't want to just write off the city. But if I do go back I'd like to go either with a local or armed with some good tips of where to stay, where to eat, etc. I didn't think to ask before my trip because I don't know anyone who has been to Palermo so I had no idea it would be such a difficult to navigate given how small it is.

Kinda Anxious Feeling like What's The Purpose Of Living Sometimes.
Like Just Life People Is Not As Compassionate of someone with differences
As I feel Like Someone in my Position I Would Emphasize and try to understand
And not make Judgements because I'm not in their position
Just I'm Trying Not to Commit Suicide
I'm trying because the Thought is always in the back of my head through the Day
Like People Don't understand Which is understandable since they not on my Two feet
They are Not JaMarcus So They wouldn't Understand JaMarcus Perspective
Just Im Trying to Survive In A World Where I feel I should Die
I'm trying To Cope
Found Working out at home as a good coping mechanism
Mentally and physically
Only last a Hour post workout but really helps my anxiety temporarily
And helps me cope because everyday I wake up and wonder why
People Make me feel like I should Die
Constantly hear you are a burden
Or you are not good enough
I feel like I don't have any talents
And if I did have talents it's limited due to my Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety
and Panic Attacks Generalized Anxiety and Bipolar disorder I have
Feel like Capitalism kinda brutal
If you have a Disability which this issue is disabling
Makes me really sad
Just take the advice of my therapist and try not to dwell on it
Because if I do I probably wouldn't be alive right now . So I try to watch movies or listen to music
Or workout when I feel like that
Doesn't get rid of the feeling of not wanting to live
But it distracts me
Working out definitely does
It just my workout equipment really helps me
It's like having a support animal
Just feel like I'm not ready for a Service Animal or Support animal
I have difficulty leaving my house
And that wouldn't be fair to a animal if I couldn't take them outside to urinate or defecate
So I'm trying to wait until my condition improves so I can maintain another animal
Plus I live alone and don't have a wife or anything that would watch my Animal if I could not do it
Which Is not their responsibility it's mine since it's my animal
So working out at home really helps
I be scared of what my neighbors think
Because I literally tip-toe around my house which is not normal
Because I be scared I'm disturbing the neighbors
Even when I work out I have Silencer Pads that literally absorbed the vibration and sound of my weights
And I don't even drop my weights like a lot of people do
I don't Deadlift I only do bent over rows
And I gently put the weights on my silencer pads
When I lift dumbbells I don't drop my dumbbells on the floor
I gently put them down on my silencing pads
I squat lightly
I ride my cardio bike quietly
I bench press quietly
Just be scared my neighbors would complain
Even though I'm very gentle
And tip toe literally around my house
Because I be scared
I don't even play loud music
Like I have a neighbor that does play loud music
But he doesn't bother me
But I gently have on my noise cancelling headphones
But I'm scared because July 4th is coming up
And fireworks and Gunshots
I get nightmares and bad anxiety
Flashbacks of being shot at by my dad
Some of these fireworks now sounds almost like a gunshot but not quite
A gunshot you feel vibrations a gun has more velocity and force
And loud its scary
Especially them big guns I used to hear in Adamsville
Just I be feeling like I don't deserve to live
Because people make me feel guilty and I didn't ask to have bad anxiety
Got worse after getting shot at and other experiences that happened in my life.
Like People don't understand this just don't effects me Financially and employment wise
It also effects me interpersonally and romantically and recreationally even sexually
I can't even orgasm from sex regardless of how good the Woman feels.
And sometimes I have Erectile issues because of my anxiety
Like I'm limited to just dating apps and social media
Which I rarely be on because of my anxiety..
But people especially Extroverts don't really understand
Because they like people and stuff
Like Wendy Williams Famous Gossiper
Extroverts love crowds they love people
They love parties the more people the more energetic they get
Like when I tried to play Football 🏈 and Basketball 🏀
I quit though regardless of my talent
And basketball I couldn't get the play structure.
Because basketball plays keep going on until someone shoots the ball
Atleast at School level
And my anxiety and Stuff makes it hard to get the plays
And organized basketball is not freestyle like I played at home
Which I was good 1 on 1 or 1 on 2.
I'll quit the basketball or football 🏈 team before the season starts...
Because of the agoraphobia and my Generalized Anxiety
Like Royce White he difficulty riding airplanes which they do in the NBA automatically due to schedule
He couldn't continue A NBA career because of that
Just in practice
Like I relate To Kobe Bryant
I'm not All the way Personality Wise like Kobe Bryant
But Similarities
Like Teammates had a problem with me
Because I didn't go to social gatherings and get pizza and stuff
After practices and scrimmages
Like due to my anxiety I was feeling in practices
I had good practices performance wise if it didn't involve running plays
But they didn't understand
But Teammates always had a problem with me
Call me Stuck Up Arrogant and all kinds of stuff
During the school day
Because my teammates were extroverted like
They like to talk and hangout after practice
And talk in the locker room
And I would immediately go home after practice
Because of my anxiety I was feeling
People don't understand I was having headaches and etc
Because I couldn't go but people get mad
Because they don't understand why I stay in my house
Like People online They extroverts
I attract extroverts
I'm already I guess introverted
Due to My agoraphobia and Generalized Anxiety and panic attacks I get
Just Shaquille O'Neal was More of A Extroverted Guy
I'm assuming Kobe Bryant was More introverted
Especially After The Incident in 2002-2003 probably became more introverted
But Shaq didn't understand
Because he is a extroverted he likes making people laugh being in public places and stuff
That's the part I relate to Kobe Bryant on
Just People don't understand people online get mad because I don't call or text them
Even extroverted family members
They take it so personal if I don't call
They don't understand what it's like to have Agoraphobia and Social Anxiety and Generalized Anxiety and etc
They don't understand they take it so personal
Like I personally don't like them or something
I have family members dead or alive..that's probably were or is mad at me
Because I didn't call them as much
It's not that I don't like them it's just hard to hold a conversation over the phone
But nobody understand since I'm a rare person
People call you lazy or all kinds of stuff
Because they just can't accept that this issue which Been
Effecting me my whole life
They don't understand because it's not them
They think it's not real or I'm faking It or exaggerating it
But this my life
This causes my depression genetically to get worse
I think being housebound and alone
Without social connections
Would make anyone depressed or even suicidal
Because 2020 I seen people feeling the way I feel in my day to day life
And some people still don't understand
Just I also don't like Georgia Whether Albany or Atlanta
I just don't like Georgia
I have so many bad memories and nightmares in Georgia
I'm never going back
I rather kill myself before I go back there.
Pain emotionally, Racism people Act like Atlanta Georgia doesn't have Racism
But This Is Where Dr King is from
Not as bad as Albany Georgia
But it's there not in the inner city
But all throughout the Suburbs and further
They are there
It's White people in Atlanta Metro as well
They keep acting like Atlanta is this black metropolis
Which is not I'm from Georgia
It's Not!!!
I had prejudiced teachers in the metro Atlanta area
They keep acting like Atlanta is this Extremely progressive place
If that's was the case Why Georgia Atleast In my lifetime there
Was red every election since 1992 because I wasn't born yet in 1992
Until I left in 2020
Even during the Obama years
I remember Georgia going red in 2008 before the night was over
They act like we don't have those people down there
Yeah 2020 it was a battleground
But the Obama years it went red quick
Even in 2016 red a little quicker than 2020
Just not true
Not saying Atlanta is Horrible
But it's very Overrated
It's no different than any other major city
People that are not from Georgia saying this
It makes me very mad kinda trigger me
Makes my blood boil
But it's their opinion doesn't mean it's true
Act like Atlanta doesn't have problems
Like HIV issues
It's a bunch of people that don't even know they are HIV positive in Atlanta . Some people scared to get tested which I understand
I wouldn't recommend prep to everyone unless you are a Sex Worker
Or kinda Impulsive like I am
Trying to make people happy and not make people feel weird
Because I wear condoms
Because some people get offended if I want to wear a condom
So HIV Medicine is kinda hard on the kidneys I take prep
Which is a HIV Medicine not 100% but helps but is hard on the kidneys
Since HIV Medicine is very powerful which it should . because it saved a lot of people lives
But as a person that doesn't have HIV it's hard on the kidneys
But Atlanta has problems It has Poverty I lived in impoverished areas on the West Side and Eastside
Throughout my life
Have family members living paycheck to paycheck
It's just like any other American city living paycheck to paycheck
Majority of the City is named after Mr Ted Turner
Mr Turner Had a baseball field named after him
Just Not saying Atlanta is bad but just overrated
It's no different than any other city
Actually when I moved to Atlanta I first seen Snow ❄️
Because Albany Southwest Georgia where I'm from
It doesn't snow it never snows
Maybe ice but doesn't snow
It rains a lot though in South Georgia
More Prone To Floods
Swampy Coastal Plain
Black Belt Cotton Belt they call it.
But Atlanta has homeless people as well
I remember when I first moved to Atlanta in 2006 I remember seeing
Black homeless people sleepy under bridges
And seeing them in centennial Park
And at the crowded underground Atlanta
And of course the train stations
Because it's warm in the train station
It has AC and Heat on the trains
So I don't blame the homeless
They trying to survive
But I remember seeing that all the time
On my end of Martin Luther King Drive
Remember seeing a church's a Kentucky fried chicken and a new Popeyes
On the same street
But no good quality grocery stores
Just family dollars and low quality grocery stores
That unfortunately doesn't have the resources
That's all I seen
I lived on the Westside of Southwest Atlanta for a long time
Remember being on Simpson road now Joseph E Boone
But remember seeing people smoking crack in broad daylight
Remember Seeing impoverished black people
My mom used to work on Simpson road as a property manager at a apartment complex
So I was over there Alot riding Marta with my mom
And I remember seeing the Georgia dome and centennial Park further down
And it looks so good
Vine city train station
Why where the Georgia dome it looks so good
But just further down Simpson road or Joseph E Boone
I see poverty like night and day
I lived there it's has poverty and homeless actually majority of the homeless is black
Cost of living since people is moving to Atlanta at high rates
Rent went up probably not California or New York level
Since those are bigger way larger cities
But Rent is not the same as it was in 2006
I remember you could get a 2 bedroom in a bad area for 700$ in 2006
On Simpson road you could get a 2 bedroom for 500$
But very run down and of course the bluff is across the street
But it's not like that
The music scene Is okay
Personally I don't like it
Atlanta been on top since 2001 when Jermaine dupri came out with Ludacris
And TIP came out with I'm Serious
But I never liked the music scene
I was stuck On Outkast and the 90s East and West
Mainly New York Rappers and Tupac and Kendrick and Ras Kass and stuff.
I know I don't remember I was young
But I grew up On East Coast Rap mainly and Tupac
Just when I was younger I was forced to listen to radio
And V103 used to play guys in Atlanta
And they would play their songs like 5 times in 1 hour
Got tired of it and they never played rappers from other regions
Seem like Atlanta labels payed V103 especially 2013
I had to stop listening
Because I really didn't like the sound
I'm kinda stuck on The Lyrical East Coast sound.
Or Tupac
So I listen mainly to Seattle Grunge and Jazz and Soft Rock
Alternative rock
No Country because not all country music is bad
But gives me prejudice vibes
Because I remember Kid Rock Did A Song with a Country Music Legend
And I remember hearing him and He Said All Kinds Of N-Words and etc
Just life Atlanta is overrated
Just in my experience I got shot at by my dad
Racism which is everywhere
But listening to these people you'll think Atlanta has no racism
Kinda anxious
Just be venting
Because life is hard to live in trying to
Just people don't understand why I have a hard time functioning
Done with the new paragraph
Just going to repost the older paragraph because I'm basically going to type the same thing again like I always do
Just a regular dude venting my life
I talk like this on camera which is exhausting
And off camera to my mom and to myself in my room
Thinking because I do talk to myself since I don't have friends
I don't answer my self
But speak aloud my thoughts and feelings to release tension and stress
So this just me venting on my life.
This something I been feeling Since I was like 5 years old
I kinda knew when I was 17 it was going to be even rough adulthood than childhood
Which I tried to kill myself in 2010 when I was on Gresham road
Which that Was behind the scenes at home
Only my brother and mother seen it
Just I kinda tried numerous jobs
From McDonald's to Goodwill to factories working upwards to 16 hours some days
Trying to push through but my body couldn't handle that
Like I was feeling "Flight or Fight" responses like I was Running From Being Shot at night
By My Dad in 2011
Still have nightmares about that it just doesn't go away
And more scenarios in my childhood as well I'm not going to disclose.
People don't understand I jump when I hear gunshots
I try to not look crazy around people
So I try to look normal
But every time I hear a gunshot or something my heart starts pumping
And I start feeling exhausted and sad
Like I can't control if someone shoots a gun or pops a firecracker
But I try to put on my noise cancelling headphones
Even certain songs I have to mute if I hear a gunshot sound
If I can catch it
Even movies I'm not familiar with
I try to mute sounds if a gunshot scene comes
If I can catch it
This really a big issue
But people don't see that when I have to mute my TV
They also don't see
When I have bad days
They probably don't see if I have good days
I try to get laughs in
Because laughter is natural medicine
To distract from the negative thoughts I have everyday
They don't see due to my meds
That have me very sleepy which I take at night.. but carries on to the next morning
Sometimes I wake up at 12 pm sometimes late as 5 pm
Seroquel just does that
Even I tried waking up early I end up going back to sleep
I literally have to take a pre workout supplement
Which has caffeine which makes my anxiety worse
Just to fight it the medicine
Like I workout it's the best medicine
Better than any Prescription drug I don't do recreational drugs
But it naturally gets rid of my anxiety while working out at home
Didn't work In a commercial gym.
Which this gym equipment saved my life
It really helps me
If I lose that I probably will kill myself
And I was at risk of Type 2 diabetes
And my blood work was off due to I couldn't work out since I didn't leave my house
And of Course mentally I got really depressed since I didn't have no coping mechanism
I be depressed Alot but working out helps me cope with the thoughts I have
And temporarily gets rid of my anxiety
But only last 1 hour post workout
And anxiety comes back
Some people think I'm on steroids
Which I think I'm small
But I can't keep a stable job
Plus steroids cost money
If I can barely afford food and amino acids
Which comes from protein and food
How can I afford steroids?
I never took a steroid
I don't even take creatine anymore
Because my kidneys
And I have health issues which my natural testosterone is ok
So I have no reason to take steroids and I'm not competing in bodybuilding shows
I'm not a YouTuber or social media influencer making $1000s or even 100,000$
Making money on the Internet so I don't have a reason to
Plus due to the medicine I take it effects my Kidneys
Like I hope my kidneys are ok
Because I love to workout and it really helps me
I probably would kill myself if I can't workout and build muscle anymore
I don't use steroids
Just men's vitamins and fish oil and beta alanine and protein and amino acids from protein
I eat 200 grams daily since I'm 235 right now
Just hope my kidneys get back normal
Because I take a lot of medicine
Might have to stop one of my medications
Because I take Prep Which is A HIV medicine
Because I'm so paranoid of Contracting HIV
But I Don't even have sex like that since I don't leave my house
But I just take prep because I be scared I'm going to get HIV for a Hypothetical reason
Which I know HIV medicines I don't have HIV
I understand if I had it
But I don't Have HIV I take Prep Which is a HIV Medicine to prevent Catching it
Which HIV meds is hard on the kidneys
But Weird Thing is I don't even have sex
I haven't had sex with a woman since 2022
I haven't been in a relationship since 2019
Which was my only relationship with a woman
Just I Do Have a Desire for sex like every other human being
But Masturbating is such a lonely experience
And sometimes gets depressing