I found a builder with good reviews on Check A Trade in October 2024. We agreed a quote for him to do about 2.5 day of structural brickwork for about £2000. He was asking for a lot of money up front but I obliged as it was such a short job. After the first day he became very unresponsive and now 9 months later he has just failed to continue the work for I think the 4th agreed date.
I have lots of text messages with excuses like his nan died, or one of his team is an ex-alcoholic and there were empty wine bottles left out, or the access was blocked. And now he is refusing to complete the work. I have now paid £1600 for less than a days work and have asked for £600 back but he is refusing as he says he already bought materials.
Do I have any grounds to report this to the police or is it worth me taking legal action over that much money please?

This is a very long story so please bear with me
I was with my first love for 2 and a bit years, we met in late 2010 and we did briefly break up in 2012 but got back in 2013 before we broke up 10 years ago in early 2014. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out and at the time she said the spark had gone.
I've always thought about her but eventually we went our separate ways, she got in to a relationship with another guy after me for a few years but eventually he ended up cheating on her, this was around 2017.
After her breakup in 2017 I confessed my feelings for her but we didn't go anywhere with it as she was still healing so I told her I need to cut her off at the point because I told her I was struggling to be just friends with her, to which she said that she was heartbroken that's it come to us parting ways. But we wished each other well and went our separate ways. I was really at my lowest at that point but have come a really long way since in terms of having a successful career and have improved a lot financially and mentally.
At the start of 2019, she did add me on social media but she didn't say anything to me so a few days later I ended up deleting her because I realised I still wasn't over her, I regretted deleting her afterwards.
At the end of 2019 I heard that she was engaged, she ended up getting married but then I heard she got divorced around over 2 years ago. A few monthds ago I found out that the reason for her divorce was because her husband cheated on her and was abusive towards her. They got divorced around early 2022. Her ex husband is already engaged and due to get married again this summer.
As for me I did get in to another relationship with someone else but I was also cheated on so I have been single for a few years now, I have been evolving in my career and proud of how far I've come and have recently started a new chapter in my career. I considered getting in touch with her last year but I noticed that she had cut off a lot of people from her social media so I wasnt too sure how she'd react to me adding her, I thought she'd reject me seen as she's cutting off a lot of people.
So around 4 months ago I took the plunge seen as I had nothing to lose and sent her a request on instagram, and she had accepted and also followed me back. She's been viewing my stories and I posted a life quote on my story which she liked, I haven't spoke to her yet. I posted a few pictures of myself which she hasn't liked but on occasions I posted a quote on my story that said 'be the reason for someone's pain to turn into a smile', she liked that quote and also another one that I posted similar to that. It was my birthday a few months ago and she liked a birthday story that I posted on instagram.
I'm assuming she is single but not entirely sure. I added her 4 months ago but now she has deleted me, I was confused because she only liked one of my stories a day prior to deleting me. At the time of her deletion, i was on holiday performing umrah. I would have liked to see if there was future for us but don't think she's interested now, i have messaged her after she deleted me saying 'Hi, hope your well. I probably should have said something a long time ago but I didn't, my fault. I've been praying for you, today I realise I've been deleted anyways I hope your keeping happy and healthy'. She replied saying 'Hey I'm good thanks hope you are too, that is kind of you, I didn't expect this kind of message'.
I didn't really know what to say back to her, I still don't understand why she deleted me even though days before she was showing an interest in my stories before and now she's deleted me. I replied saying 'that's good. Sorry for catching you off guard with it, I wanted to reach out to you earlier. I'm glad your doing well though' and then she has replied back saying 'can I ask why?' I replied back saying 'It's been on my mind for a while to get back in touch with you, I didn't add you for no reason. But we don't need to if it's not something your comfortable with'. She then sent a long message that said 'You don’t make me feel uncomfortable. I have thought about you over the years and wished you well. I am really happy that you have also been called to do umrah and i hope it changes your life the same way it did mine.
I removed you because you have my ex and his family on your instagram and I removed everyone who has any contact with them. You will have heard that I was married there for a short period of time but it was hell and now I’m out of it I don’t want them knowing anything about my life, so I removed everyone who has any link with them. I didn’t realise till that day that you did. It was nothing to do with you personally.' .
Im not actually friends with her ex husband as he is just someone that lives nearby to me and we have never spoken so I replied with this: 'I'm sorry that you had to go through that, I hope your okay and I pray god brings you ease. I wouldn't exactly say I have anything to do with them personally though, only thing I know about them is that they're from my area too. It makes sense now and it's understandable why you did that.'
She replied back again saying 'I'm great, God is the best of planners and it was the best thing for me. Even so, I removed everyone who had us both so sorry about that' and to which I replied 'That's fair enough, I'm glad to hear your doing well though and that your at peace now. That's what matters most'. She then asked 'how have you been, what's new with you?' I replied saying 'I'm not too bad thanks, life's changed a lot since we last spoke so there's quite a lot that's new lol'. after that we were speaking generally about the holiday that I was on and what to do as she has been hlfor umrah before too and she also asked how long I'm there for and she asked who ive gone with and how long im on holiday for, it was in general a short and civilised conversation and the conversation happened whilst i was still deleted.
Towards the end of the conversation she said 'well i hope you have a lovely time 😊' and i replied with thank you and asked her when she was on holiday here, she replied saying that she went last November and the year before so then i replied saying 'oh nice, its good to go often. Need to make it a yearly thing' She ended the conversation nearly 5 weeks ago by liking that last message i sent, I don't know if she plans to message me again, What are the chances that she'll message me even if we don't follow each other on instagram anymore. I am slightly anxious that she won't message me after this due to her deleting me because her ex is on my Instagram.
Was thinking of just giving her space for a few more days, then deleting her ex and requesting her back in around in a few days bear in mind she deleted me and we havent spoken since. She cant see who i have on my instagram while she is not following because my profile is private. In the meantime i have been removing a lot of meaningless connections from my instagram and i will be removing her ex and his family too, for context 2 weeks ago i had over 200 followers and now i only have 130, i have also noticed that her number of following has also decreased as she has also been cutting down on the number of connections she has. I blame myself for this situation because I had the opportunity to delete her ex and his family a few months ago as I don't even speak to them, had I done that then she wouldn't have deleted me.
Might be worth mentioning that we had one mutual friend on instagram but she has also deleted that person so now we have no mutual connections.
it seemed like she wasnt uncomfortable talking to me but Its been 5 weeks and i haven't heard anything, I honestly cant tell whether shes uninterested in me or if shes waiting for me to message, I feel defeated in this situation because it took a lot of courage for me to add her in the first place and now she's deleted me, I feel like she won't get in touch with me just because I'm from the same town as her ex. I'm worried if I wait too long then she might forget about me.
it's been 5 weeks and I don't know if I should message her first or wait for her to message first?

Hello to anyone reading this, I am just lost here. I was 22 yo when I met my ex. She contacted me via Instagram and I ignored the first message when she remessaged me I was getting off work and told her I am gonna be sleeping and not ignoring her message and we could talk later. She was in a different Texas and I was in Miami. We spoke via text and then moved to iMessage and then to FaceTime where it all went up from there. I never had a gf before because of my fear of getting cheated on or getting off track from taking care of my sick mother I was possibly losing. I was successful and just finished a contract and make 33 k in a month on a high horse o sure was but not flashing as I don’t post. She told me she had exs who beat her physically and cheated on her. I wanted to show her that good men exist and i couldn’t believe someone could do that to a person. She said she had an abandonment issue and would blow up my phone and be clingy which I liked because I never had anything before I thought it was just normal because I was loved and they didn’t wanna leave my presence. She never wanted to do anything with her life and was fine being a waitress for her career or even stripper for a while. I told her never tell me that again and I told her she can do real work and not sell herself. She then leaves for the military 4 months later while I was in a fire academy. Her bootcamp was 2 months I sent her pictures of me wrote pages of letters with quotes whether religious or motivational and sent her pictures I found in bootcamp to her family. She would call for 5 min every Monday and I made notes on how she sounded all was well in my notes she was healthier less acne she said and yeah. Then she gets out and I’m the last person she wants to see. I broke up with her and cried so hard yelling. I fixed the relationship and we got back. Found out she had 2 friends she hung out with who crap talked me and I was so dumb to not understand who gave them the info. I lose my house my grandma and am in charge on 5 men in academy while studying my ass off driving 2 hours a day. She couldn’t care less. Fast forward we got back and I was in search to be hired as a firefighter paramedic and was hired. Then my dream department passed me to move forward which I worked 3 years to get there and test and that day she didn’t care or ask about how it went so I went the whole day seeing if she would ask after 5 calls and night FaceTime no question about it. Next day I went crazy disrespectful I called her horrible names and it escalated because she said I just woke up oh my god meanwhile i extremely hurt. Oh also the pasts months before the blow up she was depressed so I was alone on FaceTime with a dark muted screen and could never ask her about work because she hated it and was tryna leave. Also she blamed a suicidal attempts on me saying it’s gonna be because of me. Why hate me ? I do no harm. She’d pull her eyelashes out and brows and I’d say well guess what we just keep trying again you’re absolutely still beautiful. So I broke up with her. Cried she hung up. Then starts going out. Says I’m worse than a cheater and abuser and that she can take a few black eyes and broken ribs but not what I did. Does she have no ammunition against me so she made lies ? Well ready she cheated not once wait wait 8 times ohhhh yeah. Oh and when she came to visit me for 2 weeks she tried leaving food on my floor while I work 24 hour shifts fuck the guy in my apartment with my car never cooked for me slammed my doors and sex was horrible I knew when I met her in person something was horribly wrong spiritually energy or whatever. We’ll post breakup she married the guy who was her friend in her room I was told about from her to make me jealous 3 months after and knew her while we were together. Wtf happened, I don’t understand and now I find out life rewards her and him with 4 k additional monthly because they are married. I consider it blood money if it’s for scam marriage but she posts the date they got married on her bio and the guy doesn’t so maybe she is in love bro idk. I’m mind fucked. I got closer to god but am still so angry. It destroys me to see how life handles things and I try to see it as maybe the devil is giving her what she wants so she is further from god. Just help me please I’m punishing myself living with these thoughts.

Earlier, I was scrolling down the YT shorts in my feed and came upon this 42 seconds long clip from the BBC show, 'Blue Lights', set in Northern Ireland -- it's probably a good idea to watch that clip before reading the rest of this rant.
Now, I've actually watched both seasons of the show and was pleasantly surprised with how it is pretty damn good, especially for a police procedural show, with excellent direction, pacing and editing, smart and nuanced writing, good character arks and progression, and brilliant performances from the entire cast.
And so, as I read the comments on that YT short, I wasn't surprised but still amazed at the amount of idiots who clearly hadn't watched the show but still had the audacity and confidence to comment on it and use the clip to push their misogynistic agendas and all whilst simultaneously accusing the clip/show itself of having an agenda.
Comments such as,
"They care more about his wife than him"
Or,
"What’s with people automatically assuming men [sic] did something wrong?"
Or,
"The funny part is I know this was made by a woman as he is showing every signs [sic] a woman should be scared of including talking about how they look good in this situation.'
However, apart from the fact that the clip itself, taken on its own, doesn't in any way do anything that justifies or validates such comments, there are two undeniable facts that make such comments completely redundant and expose them for what they truly are (ignorant, assumptive, biased and with a clear agenda of their own):
1 - Before the clip starts, the two policewomen (called to the address because of reports of a disturbance) arrive on scene to find the front door wide open, and they can see through the door and adjacent front window that there has been a violent disturbance of some kind, with a broken small glass coffee table in the hallway and pool of blood beneath it amongst the shards of broken glass, and a trail of blood on the floor leading deeper inside the house. And so the two policewomen pull out their batons and one goes into the house, following the trail of blood as she makes her way through the ground floor, while the other makes her way around the side of the house to the back yard (both of them calling out things like, "Police! Hello? Is anybody home? Is anybody hurt?"). They both then converge outside in the back yard to discover the scene we see in the clip, whereupon the blonde policewoman says to the obviously very inebriated man with blood on his arm and T-Shirt, "You all right? It's OK..." and then, as we see at the start of the clip, she asks him, "Is that your blood?" And THEN upon learning that he's burning his wife's clothes, she asks about his wife's whereabouts.
So yeah, the two policewomen demonstrably DO care about him AND his wife. There's no gender bias in their actions or the writing of all this whatsoever.
Oh, and side-note: the man's wife is fine and hadn't left him, and she appears on scene immediately after this clip ends, calling his name. "Gary! Gary!... What in the name of shite is going on here?" For it turns out that she'd merely stayed the previous night at her sister's place because, as we can see in the clip, her husband has serious mental health issues with alcohol, and he won't quit and/or seek help despite her pleas, and so she was simply completely and utterly exhausted with his shit and nursemaiding him every day for months and months, and she desperately needed just one night away.
Then, in a later scene inside the house, just after we see the wife finishing dressing her husband's arm wound, the blonde policewoman says to the wife, "I'm sorry, I have to ask you this, but has he ever hurt you?" To which the wife replies, obviously being totally sincere and completely honest, "God no. He's a good man. He'd never do that." And we learn that it seems his drinking escalated after he was let go as an English teacher and it's implied it was the drinking which made him lose his job in the first place, a job he absolutely loved ("The drink took everything from him"), and we even see a trophy, "Teacher of the year: Mr White" on one of their shelves -- and so, yeah, it's not as though this is some kind of two dimensional cliched misandrist plotline, you know? It's more nuanced than that. Indeed, in a later scene the husband/Gary/ex-teacheMr White is in the back of their police car and he talks about, "the stamp of nature" (which is the title of this episode), and the brunette policewoman explains to her blonde colleague that this phrase is from Hamlet and that, "It means... changing who you are is really feckin' difficult... But worth a try". For as I typed, this show is pretty damn good and far more nuanced than these right wing incels apparently could ever possibly understand.
2 - The show was created by two men who along with one female writer either collectively or individually wrote all the episodes. In fact, the actual episode this clip is taken from is solely written by one of those two men* (see Edit below). I even pointed this out to one commenter who had replied to the second YT short comment I quoted above by answering that comment's question with this load of nonsense:
"Female writers, thats why theres two female officers on duty together, uk police tend to pair a woman w a man for safety n security reasons. [sic]"
However, his response to me replying to him and pointing out that this particular episode was actually written by a man was,
"And u think they have complete creative control of their work? anything aired on British tv nowadays is either pushing some sort of agenda or the writers are told what to make it about. cant make a "realistic" drama with no realistic features. [sic]"
i.e. he switched from there being fault/agenda on the part of "female writers" to some secret cabal in the BBC telling the writers what to write.
I also later pointed out to him that actually on mainland Britain and in Northern Ireland, women are NOT always paired with men and are often paired together, and there is no rule for or against doing so. Three hours later, he has yet to respond. What a surprise!
Anywhy, to conclude this rant, I see stuff like this ALL the time online: people confidently sharing skewed takes that aren't indicative of what is actually happening in the clip/video they're commenting on and demonstrating that they obviously haven't seen the whole scene/show/series/etc, and yet they STILL have no issue confidently and unfoundedly doing so and claiming there is some kind of "woke" agenda, etc, and all whilst pushing a sexist right wing agenda of their own.
It's absolutely mind-boggling and maddening.
__________________________________________________
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*Edit: I just double checked on IMDB (having previously taken my data from the Wiki) and it seems that episode 3 of the second season was written by another woman (not previously included above). Plus, most importantly, the episode in question in this post, episode 4 of the second season, "The Stamp of Nature", WAS indeed written solely by a man, 'Noel McCann' (his only writing credit on the show), but that Noel McCann isn't one of the two original (male) creators and/or usual and predominantly three writers for 'Blue Lights'. I hope that makes sense!
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I'll preface this with the obvious: play how you want for your own table! If you're after a tactical wargame, go for it!
A lot of times, when I see discussion around GMs throttling the proverbial gas pedal mid-fight or viciously attacking PCs that are dying 2, there's a lot of discussion around the "logic" of it, e.g.: "Attacking a dying PC is logical if there's a cleric in the party" or "Monsters/animals would perceive active creatures as more threatening than unconscious ones".
This is interesting to me because people in this subreddit tend to be more RAW-focused than many other games, but RAW is rarely brought up in these discussions.
GM Core (and the Gamemastery Guide) actually advises on these situations in a few places, starting on Page 25 especially.

Unexpected Difficulty sidebar (Page 25)

Paraphrase: This recommends letting players stomp creatures if it's too easy, unless it's supposed to be a climactic battle, in which case reinforcements or the NPC sacrificing something significant and escaping might be appropriate. If it's too hard because of GM things like overpowered abilities or hazardous terrains, consider adjusting down as well, but otherwise roll with it unless it's too frustrating or leading to a TPK.
My example: A mandragora can create an extreme DC will save to avoid being sickened 1 on a success, 2 on a failure, and 2 + slowed 1 on a critical failure. 2 of these creatures doing their shriek is likely to push the party from some successes with some failures into failures with some critical failures. And suddenly their high accuracy with attacks gets pushed to extreme for their level instead with a poisoning to boot. This doubling up can make 2 mandragoras very scary for a party of level 3s--perhaps saving the second screech until near the end would be better for the encounter. Or if you've already used both, perhaps removing the confused condition from the poison, capping the duration on the slow, giving circumstance bonuses to wretching, or only letting confusion last one round instead, might compensate for this unexpected difficulty.
Another example: Fighting a fire giant near a lava pit with recurring fire damage is cool, but if your party doesn't have any AoE healing, it might be better to make the lava magically burble and spit out at a random individual for double damage instead. Or alternate between the two as needed, or simply reduce its frequency.

Choosing Adversaries' Actions (Page 26)

Here we see advice that matches common advice: most creatures don't have even good knowledge of the PCs, so avoiding your players cool abilities or aiming squarely at their weaknesses won't make sense. But yes, some creatures and NPCs will research the PCs ahead of time or spy on them and take some notes.

Attacking unconscious PCs

Directly addressing one of the key points of conversation here:

Adversaries usually don't attack a character who's knocked out. Even if a creature knows a fallen character might come back into the fight, only the most vicious creatures focus on helpless foes rather than the more immediate threats around them.

Of course, it's not saying a GM can't do it, but it is saying that such a thing should be reserved largely for "the most vicious creatures". I would say this fits for BBEGs on their last legs, daemons, and sakhils more than beasts, demons, or even terrasques. Obviously, it's open to interpretation and it's not a specific list of creatures or anything, but I think it's important to remember that even with bestiaries full of vicious and nasty creatures, "only the most vicious" should behave like this.
My example: The only PC death I've had in a game I've GM'd came when I explained the stakes and we agreed to it. This malevolent ghost tied to the kineticist's (legendary games' version) backstory wants to hurt that PC more than it wants to avoid destruction, and it knows that the best way to do that is to make that PC watch his friend die while helpless to stop it. This low-moderate encounter against a single ghost became a desperate attempt to keep the summoner alive, who became wounded 1, 2, then an entire final round where it survived with just a trickle of HP left before slaying the summoner. (I've had other very close calls, wounded 3 PCs, a few near-TPKs, a TPKO in Fists of the Ruby Phoenix, etc., but this is the only real death.)

Tactics

As the GM, you're roleplaying these foes, and you decide their tactics. Most creatures have a basic grasp of simple tactics like flanking or focusing on a single target. You should remember that they also react based on emotions and make mistakes—perhaps even more than the player characters do... Running adversaries is a mix of being true to the creature and doing what's best for the drama of the game. Think of your encounter like a fight scene in a movie or novel. If the fighter taunts a fire giant to draw its attention away from the fragile wizard, the tactically sound decision is for the giant to keep pummeling the wizard, but is that the best choice for the scene? Perhaps everyone will have more fun if the giant redirects its ire to the infuriating fighter.

Let's break this down.

• Creatures should react emotionally (well, maybe not the mindless ones haha)
• Creatures should make mistakes
• Creatures should sometimes react emotionally and make mistakes more often than PCs
• Creatures should sometimes change strategies due to players' narrative dialogue and roleplay
• They do usually know how to focus fire and flank
• There should be tension and navigation between true to the creature and best for the drama
• Tactics is not the priority
• Drama and fun are the priorities

Sometimes sound tactics is also dramatic and fun! But it's important to keep this in mind. My advice: use the whole monster and prioritize the fun toys and showing off the various abilities more than just wrecking your PCs' faces in.
My example: I ran two separate groups of PCs (level 3-4) against a Poltergeist (level 5). After its first AoE attack that hit all the PCs and crit one or two, everyone was scared shitless. Now, I could've just spammed that attack every round, stayed naturally invisible, and likely killed some PCs or forced them to retreat. But I instead used telekinetic maneuvers to throw a PC over a railing and down a stairwell, varied attacks to focus on a specific PC to knock them to dying, used frighten often even though it breaks invisiblity, and sometimes just spent turns going undetected so they'd have a round to panic about where it might be before using frighten and attacking.
Also, just because a creature is capable of making 4 attacks and there's 4 PCs with 1 PC dying does not mean that the creature should hit the dying PC. Sound tactics are not the priority! If it's fun and good drama, raises the stakes, then yes, it may make sense to include the dying PC in the attack. Otherwise, killing a PC just because it technically could is rarely good drama.
An aside: During the brouhaha over the dying rules briefly reverting to wounded increasing impact on recovery checks (fixed by day 1 errata), someone who was extremely upset about this said they already kill and TPK their players all the time and this will just make that worse. When I asked why they're being killed so often, it was basically because he had his enemies focus on swarming individual PCs and killing them while they're unconscious and dying (that's -6 AC!). I pointed out that the book says to rarely do that, so he could try changing tactics first to be more in line with the book, and I was accused of babying my players and condescending them by denying them a fight against superior tactics before being ignored. To each their own, but I think it's important to remember that the bestiary creatures were designed with the GM Core mindset of running for drama over tactics!

Ending the Encounter

Surrender

Either side is capable of surrendering, and initiating surrender can shift the game out of encounter mode in favor of a negotiation. Of course, the losing side is kind of powerless here and may just be slain outright, but it's a good option for potential captors or beasts that just want one PC as a meal rather than the whole party.

Total Party Kills

This TPK section was added in GM Core, but was hinted at in the following text only found in the old Gamemastery Guide (you may need to switch "Prefer Remaster" to off to read this quote):

If the PCs decide to flee, it’s usually best to let them do so. Pick a particular location and allow them to escape once they all reach it. However, if they’re encumbered or otherwise slowed down, or if enemies have higher Speeds and a strong motive to pursue, you might impose consequences upon PCs who flee.

This allowance of fleeing is often hinted at in many AP encounters: hard fights often do not pursue beyond the room they started in, especially true for haunted houses.
The GM Core has good advice in general for handling TPKs with your group, but I'll focus on what's relevant here.

TPKs are rarely unavoidable.

This is true both mechanically and narratively.

Usually it becomes evident at some point during the session—whether to everyone or only to you—that disaster looms. What the players do with this insight is up to them, but you have more control and can take steps to avoid the TPK. For example, perhaps the PCs' foe gets distracted by something, an ally arrives to help the heroes, or the villain captures them instead of slaying them outright. The simplest path is to just allow a clear escape route the PCs can take—perhaps with a few characters still falling along the way. It isn't entirely your responsibility to defuse the TPK, but offering such opportunities gives players more say in their characters' fates.

While what's offered here are narrative options,--with at least one PC death as the simplest cost in exchange for an escape--there are mechanical options you can use as well.
My mechanical example: 3 of the 5 PCs are dying. The Thrasfyr Demoralizes and Grapples the sorcerer instead of landing the finishing blow, then attacks the 5th PC at MAP. Oops, a crit! 4 of the 5 PCs are now dying. Now the sorcerer has to risk a 3 action Heal against a DC 5 flat check, or Escape and try to bring up one ally, or maybe the sorcerer is restrained and must Escape first! The tension has increased, the situation is riskier, but a TPK has a higher chance to be avoided. The sorcerer burns a hero point to ensure a Heal goes off, then the Thrasfyr fights the party while keeping the sorcerer in his clutches every round, ensuring the party is facing his MAP instead of his full power while also keeping the sorcerer in a tough spot with tough decisions to make. (Notably, not spamming the infinite use AoE attacks and especially not on the already dying allies allows the close fight to edge until the heros overcome.)
My mechanical advice: You do not have to fudge dice to save your PCs from a TPK--you can choose less deadly attacks or other tension increasing abilities before committing to killing one of them. I don't fudge, that crit is a crit baby!
My narrative example: The lava giant in a combat-as-sport scene had everyone dying but the sorcerer--the last one standing, backed up to the edge of a lava pit, and low on hp. The giant offers the sorcerer a chance to recover his hp before rerolling initiative for a glorious duel. While the lava giant was 2 levels above the sorcerer, the giant didn't get a chance to heal, and the sorcerer flew over lava pits while dodging thrown rocks and slinging spells. The lava giant then airwalked over, massive greathammer in hand, putting the sorcerer in Reactive Strike range. Deciding to Fly away before casting the spell, the sorcerer was crit and left barely alive before getting the spell off. The lava giant failed the save, took barely enough damage to go out and fell, body tumbling into his own lava pit. The PCs and the lava giant developed mutual respect through this, and spent time treating his wounds while he told them stories of his past battles.
While avoiding a TPK through deus ex machina might feel bad for the players, being captured (potentially with those who failed all their recovery checks dying) may make sense and feel appropriate. So may surrendering to a vicious beast who sees you are no longer a threat before stealing your ally away to feast on their corpse. These are still frankly serious mechanical and narrative consequences with real weight to them, and they can happen outside of encounter mode once the last PCs standing surrender.

tl;dr

When it comes to running creatures, according to the GM Core itself:

• Perfect tactics is not the priority
• Killing downed PCs is for "only the most vicious creatures" (even in a game full of vicious creatures)
• Creatures and NPCs react emotionally and make mistakes
• Drama and fun are the priorities

I consider this to be the mindset the designers had while building their bestiary as well.
Play how you want though, don't @ me.

Hi All,
I'm really struggling emotionally with the whole situation. I've been through my fair share of struggles in life but this one is really kicking me down. I apologise for the length in advance!
I've been with my partner for 4 years, though we were best friends for years before this.
Before we were together, my partner's mother would actively encourage him to pursue me and was overall very positive. He would always share with me that his family could be "toxic", stories about how they often revolved around starting drama with one another etc. I'm fully aware that my partner was very honest with me and I shouldn't be shocked whatsoever, if I'm honest myself, I think I was quite naive and wanted to think positively about the situation.
The issues began once he moved in with me, I already had a place big enough that suited both of us, he has a WFH role so location wasn't an issue and ultimately, we were both happy with the situation. He is from a city around 30 minutes away, so not terribly far, just for context.
The moment we decided, she switched from being "friendly", to cold but not towards me, towards my partner more so. She hurried along the date of us moving in together as she wanted to "get rid" of his belongings as she had already made plans to turn his room into a study and would frequently repeat to him, "if it doesn't work out, you aren't coming back here."
This is where it really started to devolve.
My partner found himself separating himself from her as every conversation was met with animosity. Every call, visit, text would be littered with comments about his appearance, the town we live in, that we have cats, his career, everything you could think of, she had an insult for it. It was incessant. When he would push back on these comments, she would tell him, "I don't know where you've got that idea from, it's in your head, I don't have a problem with either of you." She has cartoonishy scoffed about my family, my upbringing, my tattoos etc. It's even gone as far when he was working away for a few days (a few cities over) she was texting us BOTH at the same time trying to cause drama, essentially trying to make out that we were lying about what we were doing, i.e, that he wasn't in his hotel room, I wasn't at home etc, even though we had literally had a video call five minutes before she tried pulling this stunt.
This behaviour has continued and escalated for years now, she will make random, strange comments such as, "well, you haven't bought a house yet so you're in debt", minimised my partner's past depression by saying, "He can't have been depressed when he was a teenager, I always bought him designer clothing, he had everything" and yes, I can't believe that's an actual quote either lol. They actively avoid any opportunities to visit them, have made no effort to get to know my family, they won't visit us at all - the closest she's got is standing in our car park and wouldn't even look at me directly. Makes constant digs about my partner spending time with my mum or siblings, she somehow seems to believe we spent all of our time with my family even though we both have incredibly busy jobs and barely have enough to see anyone half of the time!
We are now at the point of planning our wedding.
Despite all the bad, my partner still wants his family present and it's always been his dream to have his father as his best man. His father has never behaved the same as his mother towards us but he has never made any attempt to resolve any of it either.
When we got engaged, they ignored the announcement completely. We tried to reach out to them personally but it was ignored consistently but it got to the point where we had to announce it via a group chat. The first time my partner was able to speak with his mother, her response was, "yeah, I expected it." When my partner tried to engage further, she kept repeating, "You do what's best for you, it's not my life" is this weird, demeaning tone.
Since then, my partner has attempted to discuss the wedding further multiple times. His mother does not address it at all and his father will immediately change the subject to asking about my partner's job. They won't even provide us with their address to send invitations, it's just all met with silence. My partner is devastated, he tried to bring up the subject of his dad being his best man and that one day in the not so distant future, they'll have grandchildren around, all of which again - No response, simply a deflated, "yeah, yeah."
I know I should be above all of this, that it shouldn't upset me but it really is stressing me out beyond belief. Seeing my partner so upset is heartbreaking, he will go around in his head and sometimes I'll find him having a cry and asking me, "what have I done?"
And I have no answer. We, by no means, are perfect people. We are respectful, responsible, have a healthy relationship and keep out of any drama as much as humanly possible.
And I wonder, is that why? Because we refuse to be like them and play mind games and get involved with petty feuds?
His mother has treated her brother's wives the exact same way and they've been in their marriages for 15+ years. Always ostracised them, would call around other family members starting drama and lies about them, just basically attempted to make their lives as difficult as possible for the crime of... Marrying into the family, I guess?
My partner says she's always been disrespectful about his ex girlfriends too. Commenting about their appearance or weight, referring to them as, "that thing you're dating" etc.
I've come across toxic MILs before but in my experience, only those who have obsessed over their "little boys" and took all their anger out on the women. This is almost all directed towards my partner, I get a portion of it sure but he's her main target.
I don't know what to do or how to process it all. I do feel very overwhelmed and again, I know I should just rise above it etc but it does break me every now and then. I don't tend to be a hateful person but I find myself resenting them totally, even the idea of being near them makes my skin crawl. I think it's unfathomably cruel that they're treating my partner this way, they won't even be direct and address it, which bothers me more. It comes across to me like her way of keeping "control" is by making him question everything, I truly believe that's why she won't just tell him what her problem is.

I am obsessed with the Yuba county five case. I consider myself an expert on this case, and I have some interesting information to share. For those of you who are new to the case, here's a summary:
The Yuba County Five were five men living with their parents ranging from the ages of 24 to 32 that all had mild intellectual disabilities or mental illness who disappeared on Friday, February 24, 1978 while going to watch a basketball game in Chico, California. The five were: Ted Weiher, who was 32, Jack Madruga, who was 30, Bill Sterling, who was 29, Gary Mathias, who was 25, and Jackie Huet, who was 24. Gary Mathias was the only one of the five that had a mental illness, which was schizophrenia, and which he was very well medicated for. The five were part of the Gateway Projects, which was a vocational training center for people with intellectual disabilities, mental illness, and for drug addicts as well. The five were collectively referred to as The Boys by their friends and families. All five were part of a basketball team that was sponsored by Gateway Projects called the Gateway Gators. They were supposed to play in a game of their own on the morning of Saturday, February 25 in Rocklin, which is near Sacramento, but they were never seen alive after 10 pm on February 24, after they watched the game in Chico. After about 3 months of searching, four of the five were found dead up in the Plumas National Forest in or around some forestry service trailers. Only Gary Mathias was never found, and still remains a missing person to this day. The Yuba County Five is still an open federal case.
(Note: I will call the Yuba county five "The Boys", not out of disrespect but because that is what their families used to and still do call them).
I have seen suspicion cast on the Gateway Gator's coach, whom I will call Bob. That's not his name really, but he is still alive, so I can't really name him. Some people have theorized that maybe he was involved in The Boys' disappearance for several reasons:

1. The Boys and the coach were supposed to meet at a department store at 8 am Saturday Feb 25 for their basketball tournament. If I recall correctly, the coach (Bob) was maybe supposed to drive them himself in a van to the game or maybe they were suppose to take a bus together. Bob never showed up at the established meeting point.
2. The coach never helped looked for The Boys during any of the searches. Which is odd, since he knew them. You would think that he cared and that he would help look for them.
3. The coach, while being questioned, was rather hostile toward the police, and in the case files, it stated he was "nonchalant." The coach did not give a reason for why he did not show up at the rendez-vous time on Feb 25 and did not help out the police.
4. In the case files, it states that the coach purportedly gave character statements of The Boys to the police but he described almost all of them wrong. For example: Bob describe Ted Weiher as "aggressive" even though by those who knew him, he was not. He described Bill Sterling as "intelligent but lazy." By those who knew him, he was not lazy on the basketball court at all or lazy in his community. Bill was actually very active. Bob supposedly described Gary Mathias as "spacey and could flip out at any time," even though by those who knew Gary, he was incredibly stable on his meds and no one who knew Gary described him as "spacey" or "distant." Bob also claimed that he had a few confrontations with Jack Madruga, even though Jack almost never fought with anyone and was not a confrontational kind of guy.
5. I have heard that the coach has a small criminal record and that he was charged with assault. I could not find the details for the charge though and I'm not entirely sure if it's true.

Well, Drew Beeson, a true crime writer who wrote a book on this case, actually interviewed Bob, the Boy's coach, several months ago. Bob, as it turns out, is in his late seventies, living in Florida, and was willing to talk about what he remembers of that time. Bob was employed by Gateway Projects and I think he helped to form the Gateway Gators. He was friends with Donald Garrett, who was the director of Gateway Projects before he got murdered in 1975. Bob's car was one of the firebombed cars during the terrible Gateway firebombing attacks that occurred in the mid seventies. (If you want more info on this attacks go here: https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/hv6t8p/in\_1975\_the\_gateway\_center\_for\_the\_handicapped\_in/).
Besides being the coach for the Gateway Gators, he was also a rehab councilor. Bob stated that he knew The Boys quite well and that he took them on a 3 day trip to Redondo Beach California in 1977, where they stayed at a 4 star hotel. The Boys were treated to a special dinner and other basketball players were there too as part of a special event.
Bob stated that The Boys were a very close-knit group. He said that "The Yuba County Five were the entire Gateway Projects adult male basketball team." The Gateway Gators also included a sixth backup man. This sixth man was not really close to the other five and was significantly more intellectually disabled compared to Ted, Jack, Bill, and Jackie. As a result, he did not really play in their team. I cannot name this sixth man because he is most likely still alive.
Bob stated in the interview that The Boys were all highly functional, including Jackie Huet, of which many claim (falsely) that he was the most disabled of the group. Bob was asked in the interview if he ever recalled seeing Gary Mathias acting as if he could freak out at any minute or go haywire or have some sort of emotional outburst at any time and Bob said "No." Bob stated that he never saw Gary have any outburst of any kind or felt that he would. Bob said that he never saw Gary push somebody, punch somebody, or get violent with anybody. Bob did state that Gary was the most competitive player out of the group, though, and that he took the basketball games quite seriously. What's strange is the stark contrast with what Bob said about Gary in 1978 and what he now says about Gary in 2024. Drew Beeson said that he believes that it is very possible that the quotes that Bob supposedly said about the Boys back in 1978 in the case files were falsely or mistakenly attributed to him. What is also interesting is that Drew Beeson said that while he was interviewing Bob, he did not seem really aware that Gary had schizophrenia. Bob was also not aware that Gary Mathias had a driver's license.
Bob stated in the interview that all of The Boys were very interested in girls and really enjoyed going to the co-ed dances held by the Gateway Projects.
Bob was also asked if he believed that it was possible that The Boys got lost during the drive home after going to see the basketball game in Chico on February 24, and Bob stated this, very adamantly:
"No, I do not think so. They were all what I considered highly functional. They would have known the area around Oroville and north of Oroville look nothing like the Yuba City area and they would have simply turned around or stopped and ask for directions home."
Bob stated that he also did not believe that Gary having a freak out could have gotten them lost either. As far as I can tell, I do not see a reason for Bob to lie and pretend that the Boys were more "functional" (for a lack of a better term) than they were.
Bob stated in the interview that the reason he did not meet at the rendez-vous time on the morning of February 25 for the game was that one of The Boy's mothers actually called him earlier that morning (like around 5 or 6 am) to ask him if he had seen The Boys and to tell him that they did not come home. Personally, I find it strange that he did not show up at the rendez vous because it's not like he knew for sure that they were not going to show up at the department store. I also find it suspicious that he never helped out with the searches. He also stated that he was hostile toward the police because he did not like them, especially after the whole Gateway firebombing incidents, which the police never solved. Bob said he was working at Gateway at the time of the firebombings and believes that Donald Garrett's girlfriend's ex husband was to blame for the arson attacks. Personally, his excuse for acting nonchalant does not make sense. Just because you do not like the police, doesn't make it okay to be indifferent that people you knew went missing. I still find the coach suspicious, but...
What do you think of this information?
Here's the interview: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfw33wLUFPs
Other links:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yuba_County_Five
https://allthatsinteresting.com/yuba-county-five
https://www.reddit.com/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/hv6t8p/in_1975_the_gateway_center_for_the_handicapped_in/
https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-02-24/yuba-county-five-missing-persons-case/103472558

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
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Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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Previous Posts:
1. You Didn't Waste Your Life — You Can Always Make a Comeback
2. Healing Heartbreak — How to Move On from Breakups
3. How to Get Motivated & Disciplined — Why Forcing Yourself to “Just Do It” Ironically Doesn’t Work
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[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something.” This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void.
Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. phone, social media, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. So consider talking to your friends about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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DUBAI

• Real Housewives Of Dubai star Caroline Stanbury cuddles up to husband Sergio Carrallo at Brisbane Airport as they jet back to Dubai - after revealing their family plans (Daily Mail)

NEW JERSEY

• Melissa Gorga Says Jackie Goldschneider's Friendship with Teresa Giudice 'Came Out of Nowhere' (People exclusive)
• ‘RHONJ’ Dina Manzo Says Caroline Manzo Has Yet to Apologize and Agrees “Let Me Tell You About My Family” Quote Did Not Age Well (Reality Blurb)

ORANGE COUNTY

• Alexis Bellino's Teen Son, Miles, Just Hit a Huge Milestone: "Momma's Free!" (Bravo)
• Braunwyn Windham-Burke Says She Would ‘Pop a Xanax’ Before Filming Real Housewives (US Weekly exclusive)
• Braunwyn Windham-Burke Reveals She’s on Ozempic, Says Wife Jen Spinner Is ‘Starved’ as a Result (US Weekly exclusive)

NEW YORK

• 13 minute video: Countess Luann Looks Back At Her Iconic Real Housewives Moments (Cosmopolitan UK YouTube)

SALT LAKE CITY

• Monica Garcia Opens Up About Body Image Struggles After Miscarriage: "I Was Ashamed" (Bravo)

MIAMI

• 2 ‘Real Housewives’ Stars Call for RHONJ Cast Reboot (Heavy)

BRAVO

• Vanderpump Rules’ Tom Sandoval’s voice cracks as he performs for empty crowd but fans hope ‘sad’ show is just soundcheck (The Sun U.S.)
• Tom Sandoval’s Girlfriend Victoria Alleges Billie Wanted Him as Sperm Donor & Wanted His Last Name, and Billie Accused Tom’s Friend of Drugging Him, Plus Shares If She’s Met Ariana (Reality Blurb)
• Brittany Cartwright Breaks Silence on Lala Kent Nanny Feud: ‘I Was Kinda Thrown’ (US Weekly)
• Kristen Doute Shares Why She Doesn’t Want Scheana and Lala on The Valley, Exposes Texts to Lala and Shades “Conditional” Friendship Amid Feud, Plus Why She’s “Not Happy” With Jax, & Janet Drama (Reality Blurb)
• Kristen Doute Explains Why She Thinks Jax Taylor Can Be ‘Terrifying’ (Heavy)
• Jesse Lally Details His Whirlwind Romance with Anna Nicole Smith: "Like Two Little Kids" (Bravo)
• Bravo’s ‘The Valley’ showcases reality drama, without the table tossing (Marianne Garvey for CNN)
• Dustin Lynch Addresses Dating Rumors About Him and Lindsay Hubbard: ‘We’re Great Friends’ (US Weekly exclusive)
• Captain Sandy Yawn's Pride Month Message Will Help LGBTQIA+ Fans Navigate Rough Waters (E! exclusive)
• Inside the Epic Party Where Andy Cohen Celebrated 15 Years of WWHL with So Many Bravolebs (PICS) (Bravo)

SYDNEY

• Anthony Minichiello and Terry Biviano's dream home is still unfinished a decade after they spent $3.1million on a harbourside block - and the footy great says it's nobody else's business (Daily Mail exclusive)

Links to this week's episode discussion posts:

• Summer House S8E16 ☀️
• The Valley S1E12 🏘️
• RHODubai S2E1 🐪

They keep threatening me over my neural interface. They say a bunch of things followed with "That was bullshit" I'm not sure what they want anymore. I offered to do whatever they wanted years back just so they won't hurt my family, and they rejected the offer and that was a long time ago. They said to me, when I said that I would say whatever they wanted me to, just as long as they dont hurt my family, (and I quote), "No, that isn't good enough, you have to do it the Facebook way".. As they demanded that I post something lude of myself on Facebook, which I didnt have an account on. They tried hard to force me to make an account under threat of death and rape, of me and my Ex girlfriend at the time, they were demanding that I make an account and post something lude for an excuse to have me arrested for anything..
It's mostly death threats and lies that I am hearing now. They keep saying that nobody will know something?? I've been pretty transparent with what they are doing to me and the people that I care about in my life.
They did so much damage to my body today, that I don't know if I will ever recover. My neck and back feel like they are disintegrating, from whatever they have done to me all day, month, years. They say that they will never stop and that their lies/deceptions will go unknown by the others.
I'm not sure what else to do about this. I guess the lesson is just "sit there and die silently and remotely" or they will smear you after they kill you, and make you look like things you weren't. I suppose that means that the average person goes along with it and even believes the story that they spin after you're gone..
My life has been stolen from me and they will never give me back what I'm rightfully owed. Be them remaining there, or not.
Sincerely, -Robert C.

F(23), M (26) Where do I even begin.. it’s been 8 months since i broke up with my ex, we went no contact at that time and it has been a very difficult and emotional journey to get to a point where I don’t cry when I think about us and what could be.
I am finally just moving on. The past 2 weeks were very difficult, he was on my mind all day and all night and not really sure why.
Opened up my bumble yesterday and there he was in my likes, I foolishly swiped right on him and we matched. He reached out with a picture of us and quoted it (memories ❤️) and I responded. I asked him if he wanted that again and he said yes. I asked him what he was doing and he said nothing so I asked if he wanted some company, he responded yes and I went over. We talked and talked, it was awkward at first but that only took 10 min to get past. Talked about what we had been doing and how dating had been. We are both doing amazing in our career, really flourished and I was so proud of him because that was one of the reasons I broke up with him but stuck emotionally with where we left things off so dating has been hard to get back into. We both haven’t slept with other people since we broke up, well we tried but it seemed like we both had the same result which was thinking about one and other during the act.
Long story short he started making out with me and I let him, then I stopped him because I know that’ll make me emotionally interested with the idea of us getting back together, especially since we aren’t over eachother then it may not end well. We talked about it and came to a conclusion that we were just going to be sexual with each other going forward until we talk about it again or make changes. We had sex, it was amazing per usual and cuddled. It was 3am in the morning at that time so I decided to go home. Now I wish I had asked more clarifying questions…. We are both talking to other people, what does that look like moving forward, am I still going on dates, we plan to hang out on Monday and he wants to hang out a couple times a week, we followed each other back on social media and are now texting a lot more. Are we just having casual sex? Is he going to be talking to other people still, What if I start to catch feelings for him again. Like what really is this and am I just overthinking it?

Introduction

Given the nature of RH Novels, there are a lot of LIs, and as someone who has read many RH books in the last few years, I have seen a lot of unique LIs but also noticed that most MMCs follow a few tropes.
So, I have decided to make a series of posts highlighting some of my favorite tropes and iconic (or my favorite) LIs that fit them, with this being the first one.
(This will have direct book quotes and a lot of spoilers. Proceed with caution)

Who is The Unhinged Psychopath?

The Unhinged Psychopath is one of the most popular tropes in RH books. Usually found in Dark Romance and Urban Fantasy, the Unhinged Psychopath is probably the easiest trope to distinguish. They are usually impulsive men, who have little to no morals and a penchant for discarding people's lives with no remorse.
Do you remember reding a book, where there is that one character that is always playing with a knife? Or maybe you remember reading a character's POV that had the weirdest train of thought? Or, you were reading an Urban Fantasy book that happens in an academy, and suddenly a character is described as wearing clothes that could be taken from Hot Topic. Perhaps, there is a character that gives a very cheery monologue, clashing with the unhinged content of said monologue.
Well, there is a big chance that this LI is the Unhinged Psychopath. While not all of the MMCs in this category have all of these traits, they are very common. They are also going to be usually feared oand treated cautiously by the other MMCs, with some even warning the FMC about the unstableness of The Unhinged Psychopath.
Since this is my list, my requisite to put a MMC in here was that he had to, at least once, make me have this reaction.

The Spotlight

Damien from Fate Hollow Academy

^{Pain fueled my magic, and I got pleasure out of seeing others suffer.
But for the first time in the twenty-six years I’d been alive, pain made my skin crawl. Maybe it was because I hadn’t inflicted it. Knowing how to create pleasure from pain was something I was good at. Maybe I could teach her to do the same. She needed to learn that pain can empower.
I stalked through the shadows and into room one-zero-three. Something about that wolf named Grayson caused my little bird pain, and I wanted to paint the walls red with his blood. I’d cut off his dick and present it to her on a fucking platter.}

(Damien's POV - Term 1)
Probably one of the most iconic Unhinged LI's in RH novels. Damien is a Pain/Shadow Demon, that needs to cause others pain to get his powers recharged. He also has a traumatic past, that made him hate and distrust humans. Those two things make for a very disturbed individual, who throughout the whole series is a lunatic.
From maiming people left and right, to his Hot Topic sense of style, Damien has become a very popular character, that has probably inspired more than a few RH LI's in the past years, something that earns him the spot on this list.
Highlight

^{He reached into his pocket and grabbed something before holding his hand up with something inside it. I opened my palm under his hand and he dropped a bone.
To be exact, he dropped Grayson’s pinky bone.
My mouth dropped, and I blinked once, twice, and a third time before shutting it. “You took his pinky bone and gave it to me?”
“I made him suck it clean,” he told me, his eyes twinkling. “Turn it over.”
I gripped it in between my thumb and index finger and flipped it over to reveal a white wolf with its head cut off carved into it.}

(Wren's POV - Term 1)
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Arion from All The Pretty Monsters

^{My eyes dart to the top of the stairs when a familiar, shirtless man dressed only in a pair of sweatpants that barely hang on his hips starts dancing his way down them, licking blood off his fingertips as his head tips back. He dances up two steps, and then he dances back down the rest of the way, his eyes closed as he moves toward us with the beat of the music.
His eyes open and hone in on mine, sending a trickle of painful awareness and dread coursing throughout me, just as the song changes. A wicked smile curves his lips as he keeps dancing his way down them, hips moving in a salsa rhythm in beat with the music.}

(Violet's POV - Gypsy Blood)
Arion is a vampire that has no soul and was kept in a coffin underground for more than a century. So, to no one's surprise, he is not the most well-adjusted man in the world.
He gains a spot in here because first, I love his official entrance/meeting with the FMC. In this household, we love a camp king. And, secondly, his whole history of absolute devotion to his ex-girlfriend (and then the FMC) and friends is just insane. The more the story went on, and the more Arion kept talking, the more I became absolutely flabbergasted by this character (still love him).

^{Damien and I both swing our gazes to the beta I have penciled to the wall now that he’s released the illusion. And by penciled to the wall, I mean I’ve stabbed two-hundred-and-forty-three slightly long pencils into key places on his body to pin him there. He’s on his tiptoes, and if he steps down, they’ll all snap and we’ll have to start all over again.
“They still need a few more inches of length for this process to be less tedious. It wouldn’t hurt them to be a little stronger, too. Still superior craftsman ship, though,” I say as I lift up the pencils that haven’t spilled off the desk.}

(Arion's POV - Gypsy Freak)
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Savage from Her Vicious Beasts

^{“Hold my chicken.”
“Rooster,” Xander corrects, accepting the black bird.
I scowl at my pack-brother because he can take his private school education and shove it up his big dragon ass.
“His name is Eugene,” I snap. Patting said chicken on his red head-frills, I turn back to the trembling cashier of the Opal Feather. The sight of us always makes these humans piss their pants. A dragon, a wolf and a shark walk into a luxury store and, well…they all know what comes next, I suppose.
Or it could be the blood still on my teeth and the bare skin of my torso. On a hunt, I only stop for lunch, you see. Lunch being the two birdie security guards now lying on the shop floor behind me.}

(Savage's POV - Her Feral Beasts)
While this series has only two books and a prequel out as of now, Savage has already been solidified as one of the most unhinged LIs that I have ever read about. As, a mostly feral, wolf shifter who is also part of a gang, Savage is an impulsive man, that lacks morals and common sense, making for some hilarious scenes, despite how disturbing his actions can be.
He get's progressively unhinged (and weird) as the story goes along, and I doubt that will change in the future books.
Highlight

^{I position the final explosive at the base of the anima dorm and beckon to my little leopard friend to follow me as I move back. I can’t very well make sweet love to my beautiful regina if I’m blown to pieces now, can I?
...
The Forklift Brothers spent a little time distracting the guards with a student who “managed” to get his entire arm stuck down a toilet. Bob’s your uncle and now I’m ready to go.
“Ready, spotties?” I ask the gathered felines. “On my count⁠—”
One of the kits whose name I don’t care to know gives me a panicked look under his comb over. “But, Mr Fengari, there are girls in there.”
“Yes,” I say, not so patiently. “But the prettiest one is far beneath the building. This is the way I get to her.”
Pickle, one of the nerdy leopards who made the bomb, clears his throat. “Sir,” he says nervously behind his protective goggles. “Should we, er… give them a chance to get out?”
“Who?” I frown disapprovingly at him.
“Um… the other animas?”
“Oh,” I say slowly. I forgot about other people for the moment. Correction. Didn’t care about them for the moment. “Hear ye, hear ye!” I broadcast into the minds of all the animas in the old building. “Get out of the anima dorm in one minute because I’m about to blast it up to the Wild Mother herself!”}

(Savage's POV - Her Rabid Beasts)
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Caspian from Myths and Monsters
Now, Caspian is not as well known as the other MMCs on this list, but, to me, this would not be a complete list without his inclusion. I did ponder if I should add him here, or on a future list of the more calculist psychopaths, but this man goes off the rails during the actual book events, so he stays here.
Now, why is here in this list, you ask? Well... Is he an obsessive monster? Yes. Does he turn into a rockstar, and as soon as the FMC is interested in him, discards his band and goes camping across the US with her? Also yes. Commits mass murder in the name of the FMC? Check. Tries to BITE OFF one of the other MMC's arms? Actually yes.
Highlight

^{Flip— Caspian tackled me to the ground, slashing his claws at my face. I bit into the cigarette as I threw my arms up, trying to protect my head from his attack. I felt a sharp pain in my arm and yelped.
He fucking bit me! I grunted and rolled. He fell into the dirt beside me but kept trying to claw and bite me like a damn cat. I looked no better, batting at his hands and face like I was trying to play-fight a kitten.}

(Mothman's POV - Run & Hide)
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Enzo from Kept

“Fucking skank,” Eddy spits out, even as he trembles. “Talking to the cops.”
“Oh,” I breathe in delight, wiggling the blade a little until his chin is tilted high in the air as he works to avoid it. “I’m not a cop, Eddy boy.”
I feel the jolt as he jerks against the needle I slide into the soft flesh of his stomach, a high-pitched grunt leaving his throat.
“Who the hell are you, then?” I love this part. Leaning in, I press my lips right against his ear.
“I’m Batman. Welcome to Gotham City, bitch.”

(Enzo's POV - Kept)
While making the list, I knew that I needed some representation from a Contemporary book, but I couldn't choose _who_. And then I remember the Batman scene, and that was it. I know that me putting this man instead of a more popular MMC will be controversial, but his POV, or even his other scenes were just...He is just so fucking weird. I can't even choose which moments to highlight.

^{"She’s ours, and I’m taking her. Pull your head out of your ass, Ryder. She was fucking made for us, and I’m not letting her go. I don’t give a flying fuck what you and Maverick have to say about it.”}

^{He shoves past me towards the door.
“Or her, come to think of it. None of you get a fucking say in this. Pick her or don’t, but I’ve made my choice. She’s not going anywhere.”}
(Ryder's POV - Kept)
Enzo is a psychopath that redirects his murderous intent to only evil people, such as pedophiles, rapists, men that are violent to their partners, and other scum of the earth. He still has a few screws loose, and it's consistently unhinged throughout the book. He doesn't mask it, it's not a slow burn. From his first scene, you know that you will be on a wild ride during his POVs.
Highlight

^{“Nobody else touches what’s ours.” He says “I will kill them, prey. I will kill them slowly, and then I’ll fuck you on top of their corpse. Tell me you understand.”}

(Zella's POV - Kept)
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Lorcan from The Fifth Nicnevin

^{“You’re my redcap.”}

^{He beams, showcasing a mouth full of sharp teeth. With one hand, he pulls off his cable-knit hat—which is as blood red as his species suggests—and waves it in front of him with a flourishing bow.
“Lorcan, or Lore, if you prefer. Not Daddy, though, I’m not into that.”}
(Rhoswyn's POV - Beyond the Faerie Gate)
Lore is an underfae, more specifically, a redcap, a fae species that need their hats to be bathed in blood regularly or they will die, they are known for being ruthless and violent. And, Lore is one of the most famous ones, being thousands of years old and an ex-assassin of the Autumn Court.
Everyone is wary of this man, for good reason, and his thought process is absolutely hilarious sometimes. My favorite scenes involving him are when we are reading from any of the other MMC's POVs since they are always just weirded out and flabbergasted by Lore.

^{Lorcan, on the other hand, doesn’t. “Are you really surprised that she’s special?” He blinks into a different chair. “She’s perfect.”
I wish I was a psychopath. I imagine that life without giving a fuck would be simple.
“The nobles are going to freak,” Jaro shudders. “Regular fae necromancers are treated with suspicion, and their power is limited to whatever they’re born with. Hers…”
“She could raise an army of the dead using her connection to the Goddess,” I confirm.
“Pretty Rose has thorns.” Lorcan looks almost… aroused by the idea.
His pupils are blown wide, and on his head, his knit cap springs upward into a stovepipe hat in a disturbing display that makes me grimace.
To a redcap, I suppose learning your mate has the capacity for untapped slaughter and bloodshed would be a turn on. But the visual was just unnecessary.}

(Drystan's POV - Beyond the Faerie Gate)

Honorable Mentions

Vincent from Saint View Psychos - Vincent fans, I'm so sorry... I love him so much, but he is only 50% psycho.
Everyone from Darkmore Penitentiary - I really wanted to put someone from this series, but I couldn't choose which of the MMCs was more unhinged, so, unfortunately, they were all relegated to the Honorable Mentions. Suffering from sucess, I suppose.
Jude from Dance Butterfly, Dance - He is very kooky, but he never fully reaches the full potential of his unhingeness.
West from Four Horseman - Unhinged man, but all of the MMCs are a little psychotic on this series, so oh well.
Boogeyman from Her Feral Beasts - If the next book was out, I'm sure that I would put him on the actual list, since even Savage thinks he is insane.
Oscar from Ironside Acadamy - While he is unhinged, compared to the other people on this list he is very nice, a golden boy, truly. Still putting him in here because he's absolutely hilarious.
Annex by The Blackened Blade - His outfits were so Hot Topic coded. Does the author think that those are cool? Even Damien dresses better than that. Overall, very unhinged, but there is only one book out as of now.
Ryder from Ruthless Boys of the Zodiac - Before the riot starts, this man will appear on another list of mine. Despite him being a lunatic, I decided that he fitted my other Spotlight more.
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So, what do you think of this trope? And do you have any other Unhinged Psychopaths to add to the list?

Hello, this is my personal perception and rant on Christianity. This will have a lot of swearing, and some political talk as well, and some other triggering topics, so be warned.
I don’t understand Christianity at all, and never will. I come from a Christian family, and though I rarely talk to them about religion, it seems that they’ve wanted to pass on the belief on to me, but they’ve failed.
Jesus focused on the good things, such as saving people, teaching good morals, teaching everyone to do good, and live a good life, and most importantly, LOVE THE NEIGHBOR.
But, everything I will be talking about here goes against that. Christianity‘s original concept was apparently supposed to be about good morals, loving eachother, and having a personal relationship with god.
Paul, on the other hand, supported rape, homophobia, misogyny, and denied free will and freedom, turning a social movement and peaceful religion into a load of dogshit. Why should men have authority for women? Simply for having a dick and being taller? Why should women dress modestly? Not only do clothes have no gender, but you can’t control what someone wears anyway. Why do gay people go to hell, is it because you want them to reproduce? Is it because the “first people” in the world were straight?? Why can’t we have desires? Hardly anyone has bad desires. Why are bodies and sex a sin?? It is one of the most natural things, and denying that makes you sound like a fucking dumbass strict authoritarian parent. Why do we deserve NOTHING and that we should force ourselves to sacrifice our lives for this cause? Also, fun fact, Buddhism is the most scientifically possible religion, and it teaches EQUALITY.
This is why I believe in letsism; I am spiritual but not religious. I borrow morals from Buddhism and little from Christianity. Equality and morals. Paul simply just gave us shitty expectations. And the Bible isn’t even correct. 95% of the Bible is just either delusional or bigoted rewrites of narratives originally from deranged and shitty assholes to fit their own, and the other 5% is ONLY gods word.
Also, It doesn’t matter if John explains how salvation works. It doesn’t explain how, what, or why are you believing in this. And besides, who wants eternal life? And we don’t know what “worse fate” he’s saving us from, which people say is hell, but why do people burn in hell for not believing in a god?? And why do we not have sex before marriage? There is no reason explaining this either. Of course, premartial sex could save you a lot of drama, but could you explain why it’s a good rule in the Bible??
Jesus is also depicted as an asshole, too. Jesus would kill people or divide families simply for not worshipping him.
Also, particularly focusing on lgbtq. Yelling at LGBTQ for being “woke” and “not normal” is the entire soul of most bigoted Christians. Murders, blind approval of authority, slavery apologia, rape, pedophilia, etc. but not being able to express yourself and learn different forms of love? Not to mention, the Bible mentions a lot about sex, but the people that want to keep their children away from LGBTQ are the Christians who specifically read those versions of the Bible. Of course, you might say that god doesn’t allow all those bad things, but there are thousands upon thousands of translations of the bible.
Paul is all about authoritarianism and guilt tripping and nothing more. He only used religion to fit his own narratives, and that’s why so many Christians are bigots today. The Bible was simply only written as a form of control. An organized structure and a belief system, and not a personal relationship with god. That can also apply to many other religions as well who promote these types of ‘beliefs’ but the topic at hand here is Christianity, and I won’t be disrespecting religions, but this is only my experience. Bigots aren’t born, they’re indoctrinated.
Not to mention, Christians think queer people are “sexualizing and grooming their kids” when not only is that a general assumption, but learning about love and sex as a natural thing (unless you’re teaching it to children under the age of 9 years old, which is GENUINELY WEIRD.) and you also encourage your kids to date someone of their opposite sex and get married and have them have shirts like “party animal” and “heart breaker”, but if that all happened with a child of the same sex, it’d be the end of the world, apparently.
Also, before you Christians come to assumptions, the LGBTQ is NOT a trend, NOR is it something new, except if you use TikTok.
Homosexuality and Transgenderism has existed for such a long time now, and only recently it has gained traction and LGBTQ people are gaining more rights.
And for the Christian’s who want to be bigots, a 16 your boy once committed suicide for being harassed and bullied after coming out. Yet republicans normalize harassment, hate, and bullying simply for people who love the same gender, or are even a different skin tone other than white, or have different beliefs, then implement and suggest laws that prevent these people from having any rights. This should not, in any form, be normalized, even if it goes against their ‘beliefs’. People who defend the lgbtq and basic rights are regarded as “woke”. It is not woke to call someone by their preferred name or pronouns, it’s common sense. And gender is a social concept and is different from sex itself, that’s why it’s called “sex assigned at birth”, because sex is what you biologically are, and some transgender people acknowledge that. Also, things such as puberty blockers, gene therapy, changing your name, top and bottom surgery, testosterone and estrogen, binders, and many other things exist to medically transition.
And there is also a verse that says “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither Slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.”
There’s also something to mention, that people do not know what they’re hating anyways, because hate born from prejudice originates from a lack of understanding because it is not rooted in any sort or way of logic, or just a large, egoistical superiority complex. And you should tell anyone how to live their lives, regardless.
Also, nobody should claim what god thinks, wants, or anything else about him, but that’s exactly what people of the Bible did. They hardly wrote any of “his word”, and only constructed the most random narratives to brainwash people into thinking this is the correct way of the world, and a lot of Christians will go out of their way to force everyone to agree with them.
“Modernity as lost the concept of sin” even though we all have rejected the biblical idea of sinning.
And you also need to consider, that “The sin messed everything up” is not correct. If all these “rules and expectations” and nasty were true about god (even though it seems so unlikely) and that god was an asshole, there was literally a verse that states that god PUNISHED the earth with a curse, so it was similar to that of an abusive parent type of situation (also pretty unironic that plenty of Christian parents are abusers)
The entire original idea of Christianity is that everyone needs to be saved and you shouldn’t judge people unless you’re perfect. It is worth mentioning that it is illogical to say that everyone needs to be saved, because we don’t know what we’re being saved from, but there’s also the fact that a lot of Christians judge someone for being “different”. And the saying “god works in mysterious ways” is thought to be covering up the mistakes of an imperfect god, but it’s really just trying to cover up the imperfect views of their own understanding of their god.
Also, whenever Christians say to “Protect their children”, especially in schools:
Do they focus on good behavior and stay away from things such as violence and terrorism? No.
Do they want their children to eat good and healthy meals and have a safe and fun environment to learn and have recess/break in? No.
Do they want their children to have good safety drills, make sure their kids have good mental healthy and have someone to reach out to and make sure they aren’t getting bullied? No.
Do they want to prevent their children from expressing themself, loving who they want to and allowing themself to be the gender they desire, and take away their rights if they do anything of such? Ding ding ding, you’re correct.
Also, everything that’s not considered Christian is a Sin. And the standard punishment for sin is death. That is completely wrong in so many ways. For example, a child may tell a lie. But instead of a Christian asking why or what the child lied (maybe they could be uncomfortable), the Christian instead resorts to “don’t lie again or you’ll go to hell”.
And Christians always think they’re above everyone else, above the law, and above answering specific questions. And one time, “Christians” massacred a village of Muslims simply for not having the same beliefs. And then there’s “Nobody is safe from god unless you repent” which basically means the person will get mad if you aren’t Christian, which seems stupid.
Oh, and of course: “You can’t judge god” when you say he’s good, even though Christians wrote him as a slavery and genocide loving guy.
And my grandma would always get mad at things like Harry Potter and other stupid shit for having “demons, witches, magic,” and other types of things because it goes against her beliefs, when the rest of the family obviously wants to watch it instead of her. Having certain beliefs shouldnt prevent you from liking something like a book or TV show. Not to mention, just because you watch something, DOESNT MEAN IT WILL AUTOMATICALLY INFLUENCE YOU.
And of course, the infamous thing that every ex-Christian and person on the exchristian subreddit complains about.. “you’re going to hell”. Is that supposed to fucking help? What makes you think I’d want to believe in your religion if that’s how you’re going to introduce it to me? Not to mention, it could just happen to almost anyone walking on the street.
Also, how do we know that Jesus was a prophet? Because he wasn’t actually a prophet, or a real man at all, we was simply just a representation for the truth. Again, I perceive him more as a moral compass and a friend.
What I also find funny is that people who support Palestine mostly consist of people who identify as queer or as a democrat even though Palestine doesn’t support LGBTQ and possibly democracy, but the supporters of Israel are mostly homophobic Christians even though Israel mostly consists of Jewish people or queer people. And why do rich people need to give up everything they have to be saved, yet Christian believe wealth is a natural blessing of faith?
Also, a good note from a post titled “North Korea is proof biblical god doesn’t exist”: “Christians talk so much about salvation to be saved but what about countries that shun religion like North Korea? Why doesn't the biblical god send prophets so they can gain salvation? In the Bible, god sent people like moses to free slaves but today god can't even send people to countries that shun religions especially Christianity like the North Korea”
And of course, “When the Bible talks of ‘freedom’, it doesn’t mean do ‘what you want’, it means free from your passions and desires, and to be a slave of god”. So we should do what you think? No. We aren’t going to be slaves, just because you said so, and we aren’t going to be slaves to religion, or a biblical god. Also, pursuing your passions and desires can be considered freedom, especially from the world, and an achievement, and they’re healthy and normal.
And going back to the topic of being a slave of god/christ, can we talk about how Christians believe that slavery is freedom, war is peace, ignorance is strength, and a lot of slave owners who used verses to justify slavery (as said by Iruka_Naminori) and the fact that the Bible also had verses about racism and slavery which were fucking a load of shit? And racist?
Also, why do we suffer for gods plan, or why are we suffering for god? Makes no sense.
And finally, the moment you’ve all been waiting for… Jesus is never coming to earth. Ever. I quote u/proudex-mormon, who says “It should be obvious from these passages that Jesus was quoted multiple times saying his glorious second coming in the clouds would occur within the lifetimes of some then living in the first century AD. Since these prophecies failed to come to pass, and since nearly 2000 years have passed since, the only reasonable conclusion is that Jesus was a false prophet…” The passages in question are multiple verses and rewrites of Jesus saying that his disciples/john would live to see him come back.
TL;DR: there is no TDLR, the people who made the Bible are either assholes or deranged.

I (23f) think I should start off with some background. I had just ended a three-year toxic relationship near the end of June. I was still living in the apartment my ex and I shared until the apartment that I had lined up was ready for me. I was long ready to move on before the relationship ended. However, I was not ready for another relationship. I made this very clear to anyone I was getting involved with. I had a friend, we’ll call Jack (22m), that I’ve known since I was 16, almost immediately after the break up. He had heard about the break up and decided to shoot his shot. He was in an open relationship with his fiancé. Well, I was invited into the relationship and hooked up with both of them, separately, however the intention was for a threesome, something I’ve always fantasized about. Well, jack and I started hooking up regularly and it was apparent there may be some feelings there, so I ended things. Shortly after I met, let’s call him Kody (30m). We started seeing each other pretty regularly, he’s a social butterfly and filled the awkward silences as I am not and initially agreed neither of us wanted anything serious. Due to this agreement, I thought it would be okay if I started seeing Jack, as the dust had settled and he and his fiancé had reevaluated the terms of their open relationship (not my monkey). This continued for a month until jack had said he was thinking about ending things with his fiancé, that he thought of her more as a friend than a forever lover. I told him I wanted no part in his decision and ended things again. This lasted for about a month and things between Kody and I progressed, but I still hadn’t felt ready for a relationship. I was comfortable with what we had established, however later on he had confessed that he isn’t okay with casual, and actually wanted to be monogamous. And after jack and I broke things off, I thought i was too. Until I had jack over after he had ended things with his fiancé to get him out of his shared apartment because things were getting hostile, and we ended up hooking up. This was around September. I know I’m the ahole here, but genuinely justified what I did due to the fact both of these men knew I didn’t want a relationship, and because we weren’t in a relationship I didn’t owe either of them monogamy. Jack knew about Kody, but Kody didn’t know about Jack. Kody had previous relationship trauma and I felt justified enough to not tell him about Jack because I didn’t feel I owed him anything. Jack and I continued to be on and off for about a month until I broke things off once again, feeling like I had wanted to get serious with Kody. November, it was just Kody and I, until Jack made a grand gesture in early December to take me to a fancy hotel. We spent the night together and it ended up reigniting things, and by this point I was pretty sure I didn’t want to be with Jack or Kody, partly because of things in the relationship but mostly because I was coming to my senses about all of my wrongdoings. I knew I didn’t deserve Kody, the one I actually saw myself with, because of what I had done, I was working on ending things between Kody and I as gently as possible, sparing as much of the growth the fostered in our situationship as possible, as I helped him work through a lot of his trauma. December is a difficult month for me, i lost a friend last December to Covid doubling as that friend was my other friend’s fiancé and i was trying to help her through that month, as well as some deep seeded trauma. In other words, I wasn’t in the best headspace and was acting totally irrationally. It was at this time Jack proposed I move out of state with him, as he got a job out of state. He outlined no relationship would be forced, I would just help him take care of his animals and pay the bills, and it was a chance for me to escape the area I dreaded so deeply, and I agreed. I completely ended things with Kody, started job hunting, apartment hunting, put in a notice to my job and my landlord, and was working to solidify plans with Jack. However, the job I had found ghosted me when it was time to present proof of income to the apartments and everything fell through. I had lost my job, my apartment, and my cat because I had to move in with Jack as his landlord didn’t allow cats or dogs (she stayed with my step brother who took over my new apartment). I was completely crushed. Depression was at an all time high, and I couldn’t help but think this was my karma. I ended up in a pseudo relationship with Jack, as he had assumed we were in one despite not having a conversation about it. Jack was not supportive in the least, all he wanted when he came home to visit, as he was staying with a friend out of state for training for his new job, was to get his rocks off and expected me to be the perfect housewife for him. I was miserable, ended up finding a new job that was better paying than my previous, ended things with Jack, and finally got my life on track. However, things did not end pleasantly with Jack. We got into nasty arguments, where I learned throughout this time he’s a narcissist, and used everything from past trauma, relationships, and our living situation against me. When things had ended, this was in February, he assumed that I had went back to Kody, which wasn’t the case. Months later, in April, Jack decided to send a letter to both me, outlining how I’m a horrible human being simply because I didn’t want to remain friends after we split, and to Kody, saying god awful things not only to hurt him but to hurt me as well. He twisted a lot of things and timelines, quoting me as saying some of the awful things he said about Kody. Kody and I talked things out, smooth things over, I clarified a lot. He got a glimpse of what I had to endure while living with Jack. I will never forgive myself for hurting Kody as deeply as I did I will never forgive myself for adding to his trauma. We’ve had many deep conversations since then, and we’re on good terms. Since then, I’ve started to see someone new, and I’m doing it the right way this time. I’ve never been in a situation like this, and I acted overly selfish and self-centered with no regard to anyone else. I think I deserved what happened to me, but the things Jack put me through will forever scar me. I didn’t expect a friend to play such mind games. Kody and I still talk, but there’s no emotional ties there anymore. I spared a lot of details, because this happened over a very long period of time. If there’s anything that needs clarification, let me know, but this was my cheating story.