This is throwaway account. Just sort of stumbled upon a story of a bad trip on LSD this morning & thoight I would share my story - it’s defiantly not as bad as others I have read here but All the same, I’m just curious to see if anyone had experienced same/very similar on Shrooms.
It was 4 years ago now but I still remember it so vividly. I had been doing Shrooms for about a year & a half, sporadically with friends for fun. Mostly took in parks on sunny days with some coolers. Always had pretty good experiences and enjoyed them. However one night, I had been smoking weed that day if I recall correctly & that evening was chilling with my two roommates with a few coolers in the house. They were both taking Shrooms and I said I would microdose as I hadn’t mixed it with weed before. About an hour or two later I had felt nothing at all so just decided to take more - I can’t remember how much but it was obviously more than I had taken before in one go. We were watching the movie Ted & I remeber it start to hit me, the entire room started to fill up with pink and yellow sort of cloudy lights and I was feeling a good chill buzz, we were all laughing and having a good time. Then - there’s a scene of the movie that shows one of those party tricks where a person puts their hand on the table and someone else gets a knife and sort of drops the knife in a really fast motion between the fingers - well I suppose in the scene it went wrong and I think a finger got cut off - and as soon as it happened, all my pink and yellow lighted turned drastically to black and green. I started to panic internally which obviously made it worse for me in retrospect. Cracks started forming up all the walls in the room, from which cockroaches started to crawl out from. Moss started to grow on the walls and I said to my roommates like something bad has started and one of them copped straight away and told me to go across the room & try and make myself sick to get some of it up. I looked across the room and the entire floor had a massive blackish hole that was growing bigger. It looked as if it was an enormously large drop. I was feeling pretty nauseous at this point so headed for the bin, trying to make my way around the hole ont he floor. I opened the bin to get sick and there was a pizza box in there which had little characters on the box - well in my tripping state, those characters turned into demon like creatures and started jumping at me with little daggers. I never felt anything physically and just started getting sick. I still see all the bugs and cockroaches in the vomit that was leaving my mouth. Awful stuff. It must have slowly helped as I did start to come down after that, although it was still bad, the rest doesn’t really stay with me. I know it was about 7/8 hours before I really felt I was over it. Roommates stayed up with me until then.
I wasn’t right for about 2 weeeks after that. I had flashbacks and just general anxiety, sort of questioning life aswell. I never ever touched nor would I touch another psychedelic in my life. I realised they are not for me. Still smoke weed regualry & do the occasional bit of coke on a night out but nope never again! I never knew anyone else personally that had even a remotely bad bad experience on Shrooms before, mainly the reason I decided to share to see if there are others.

[Full disclosure: I own a lawn care business and a lawn care marketing agency. Posting from my personal account and not linking anything professional to provide value without advertising.]
The biggest thing that keeps lawn care and landscaping businesses from hitting $1m in revenue: their mindset toward marketing. I promise this post isn’t about selling you ClickFunnels, funnels were a concept long before Russell Brunson claimed them!
Why Build a System if I’m Still Growing?
This is important because you need to understand this core concept of marketing to develop a system in your business (rather than having a handful of strategies, but no intentional framework). “It’s how I’ve always done it” isn’t a strategy - at least not one to lean on forever!
Defining each stage of your funnel helps you seal “leaks” where you’re losing people. You don’t need to invest another dozen hours working on your website if it converts well. You might need to focus on another aspect of the system. Even a growing, largely healthy business, can benefit from identifying its weakest points and improving them.
What is a Good Lead?
This will vary from company to company. My best lead may look entirely different from yours. Think about your best clients - what do they have in common? This is finding your ideal customer. Where do they come from? If all your best leads come from NextDoor or Google - that means you’re winning on those platforms. How can you double down on that success?
The Stages of The Funnel: People enter the top of the funnel when they become aware your company exists. This happens when they see a truck or a yard sign. Maybe they see an ad or a post on Instagram.
The Middle of The Funnel: People move into the middle of the funnel when you become aware of them - when they start to indicate they’re interested in your services. This is them liking your Instagram post, giving you a call, sending an email, following your accounts, etc. The first time a lead reaches out is when most die on the vine - if you’re not answering the phone, responding to comments, routinely checking email, you’re missing out on potential customers. Find the people you’re regularly neglecting and create a routine way to patch that hole. A call service, an email autoresponder + an automated way for them to get a quote are all great ways to fix problems at this stage.
The Bottom of The Funnel: People enter the bottom of the funnel when they have a quote in hand and they’re ready to make a buying decision. Why do people say no? If you have no follow up (or you do sporadically follow up when you remember to do it), you probably have a number of people who forget. Building automated follow up can fix this. Are you too expensive? If you’re consistently getting price objections, that can be fine. Just make sure you’re logging it and comparing lead sources - if everyone from NextDoor says you’re too expensive, it might be a bad fit for you to put effort in there! Look for where you’re dropping the ball. Patch that hole!
The Next Funnel: Once you’ve sold someone one thing, they’re more likely to work with you again. Think about the customer experience after a lawn care clients comes onboard with you. You have to sell back into your list - what are your upsell services? I can’t tell you how many lawn care business owners I’ve talked to who just send one email to their mowing clients about weed & fert and get several emails back from customers who just didn’t realize they offered that service. Making customers aware of a service you provide, in addition to the one they already have, is introducing them into another funnel. (The whole business is funnels on funnels!)

My hands are trembling to the point where I've had to restart this several times. I'm a guy who doesn't scare easily, but this encounter has me shaking like a hit dog. I'm still sitting in my work truck, trying to work up the courage to step outside again. Worse, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my boss what happened. I was already on thin ice with him, and this shit might cause me to break through to the freezing water below.
But fuck it, because this was weird.
I install cable for a living. I didn't have dreams of stringing cable when I was a little kid, but my previous life choices left me with few options. In high school, I fell in with the wrong crowd. It started with skipping school, sneaking alcohol at weekend parties, and some petty theft, but it didn't stay that way for long. Soon, I dropped out and dedicated my life to committing robberies to pay for my pill addiction. I wasn't living as much as I was running on a treadmill. I did whatever I could to stay on my feet but constantly felt myself slipping.
My bottom came when I was jumped by two guys who sold me pills. I had bought from them before and trusted them, but the feeling was not mutual. Someone had dimed a buddy of theirs out to the police, and he was looking at real jail time. They assumed it was me and beat me senseless.
I was greeted at the door with a punch to the jaw that sent me reeling. My brain, already addled and slowed by Oxi, was in the middle of putting together what was happening when the next punch caught me in the temple. I collapsed to the ground and covered my neck and face as best as I could. The next few minutes were a flurry of punches, kicks, and stomps. When it was all over, I had a broken jaw, a shattered wrist, several wounds that required fifty total stitches, and a concussion.
That's how I kicked my painkiller addiction.
I can joke now, but the next six months were the hardest in my life. The withdrawals I had were the worst thing I've ever experienced. Having them while I was recuperating from my injuries was a circle of hell I didn't think existed. I wanted to die most days and felt lost in the darkness. But sobriety was the beacon on the horizon. Even during my darkest moments, I could still see the fuzzy spark of white light off in the distance. It kept me going. Six months from my beat-down day, I came out the other side healthier but weaker.
I needed a job but had limited skills. Thankfully, I had a former pill buddy who managed to keep steady employment with the cable company. We always got along, and he called in a few favors and hooked me up. I got hired, but it was a struggle. Not the work, which was easy to learn, but dealing with the public without telling them to fuck off. Worse, was trying to avoid the flood of illegal substances that are around you at all times. Customers will offer you weed or pills for all the channels, or bored co-workers will have something to "make the day pass by." It's a lot to dodge, especially if you're in recovery. Whenever I felt the itch again, I'd feel the scar tissue from my wrist surgery, and the itch would pass.
The last week has been one of those "Shit, is it Friday yet?" weeks that seem to be growing in frequency these days. I don't want to bore you with the details, but needless to say, most nights, I needed to reach out to my sponsor and have them talk me off the ledge. We recently had a turnover at the executive level, and my new boss Rory was a tremendous cock. A rager at levels science hasn't ever seen before. Just the worst dude imaginable.
Part of Rory's new crusade was coming in and firing a bunch of guys. The company called it "checking for redundancies in the labor force," but we all knew what it was. He was picking off two classes of people: high earners and guys with spotty pasts. I was in the latter group and imagined it was just a matter of time before my number got pulled. I was on pins and needles all week. I made sure I was the greatest cable installer you'd ever meet. So far, I was getting high marks but the forced joviality was wearing thin.
It's safe to say my joy had left on a one-way ticket. I have no clue when—or if—she'd return.
Back to this shit. I had just finished up my last job of the day when my work phone started buzzing. I cursed and thought about not answering, but the threat of unemployment loomed too large for me to do that. I picked up and knew from the jump my day was far from over. Denise from dispatch asked if I could cover a job left hanging because of "scheduling conflicts" (see: the original installer had been let go). It was near where I was and was a simple install.
I gritted my teeth and agreed. I liked Denise and knew she was worried about the hammer falling on her, too. She thanked me profusely, and promised to bring me cookies tomorrow. Since she's a hellcat in the kitchen and getting close to a dispatcher never hurts, I said no worries. I hung up, balled up my jacket, and screamed into it. I felt better after that.
981 Maple Street was about five minutes away, but it felt like a world away. Maple Street was at the end of the neighborhood where large swaths of grass fields faded into a thicket of woods. The woods rose up into the foothills until they graduated to mountains. To borrow a phrase from Shel Silverstein, the house resided where the sidewalk ends.
The house, an off-white birdhouse ranch type, was a little run-down but no worse than any of the others that populated this neighborhood. This place had been hit hard by economic times, and property values had plummeted. It was slowly recovering. In five years, this would be a place most current residents wouldn’t be able to afford. The front yard had a large oak tree that looked amazing but had killed the grass under its canopy. The rest of the yard looked well cared for.
I knocked and heard a few voices talking on the other side of the door. It opened, and a man in his late 40s stood there with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand. He was tall and thin, save for a middle-aged paunch. His face was starting to crinkle at the edges, but he was southern California middle-aged, which meant he was holding up pretty well. He did look tired, though—the bags under his eyes were full-on steamer trunks.
"You with the cable company?" he asked, knowing I was.
I nodded. "You requested an install, right?"
"Yes, I did. Please, come in."
He opened the door wide, and I walked in. The house was pretty bare with a bachelor pad aesthetic. That didn't make much sense since I heard a female voice talking to him. I assumed it was his wife. I believe in a lot of wild shit, but to think that a wife would be fine with their house decorated like a 23-year-old bachelor lived there was a bridge too far.
"I'm Tom," the guy said, extending his hand. I shook it. "What did you need from my end?"
"Do you know if there was a previous hookup here?"
"Ugh, yeah. There is one in this room and another in the back bedroom."
"Okay. I should put the modem in a spot that'll hit the whole house. The signal can get wonky if it's in a room behind a wall or bricks or anything."
"This room is probably the best spot then," he said.
"Perfect. I have to get under the house, check the old connections, and replace some parts. Where's your hatch to get under the house?"
"Oh, it's around back. You can exit out this side door and walk through the backyard. It's on the eastern side. You might need a screwdriver to remove the grate. Do you need one?"
I pulled a screwdriver from my pocket and showed him. "I should be good. Thank you, though."
"I should've guessed you'd have one."
"I appreciate your concern. Is there anything in the backyard I should be worried about? Dogs? Kids? Wild dogs? Wild kids?"
It was standard banter, and it always got a chuckle out of people. Same thing happened here. "Nothing to worry about," he said. "You should be good."
"Alright. I'll get started so you can get online as soon as possible."
"Great! If you need anything, I'll be doing some work in the back bedroom."
I nodded and headed for the side door. The dining room door led to the pie wedge-shaped backyard, which was larger in the back than the front made it look. The grass was as cooked as its kin in the front, but islands of green weeds seemed to be thriving. In the corner of the lot, an old metal shed stood, rusted to the point where I assumed divine intervention kept it standing. It seemed to have been there since the house had been built – or maybe several decades before.
When I turned the corner of the house, I spotted a woman and child staring into the corner of the yard, their backs facing me. The Woman wore a faded blue dress that fit her well. Tom had, it seemed, out-kicked his coverage with her. I didn't want to startle them, so I offered a friendly "hello" to the pair. The kid started to turn, but the mother placed a hand on their shoulder and kept their heads facing away from me. I squinted along the treeline, trying to see what they were concentrating on, but I didn't see anything unusual.
Just wanting to be done with the job, I let them be and moved on. I turned another corner to the house's short side and spotted the grate leading to the crawlspace. The grate looked as old as the shed, and I wasn't sure I would even need the screwdriver to open it. Hell, I was sure the thing would disintegrate in my hands as soon as I touched it.
I crouched and was about to pull it off when I heard something rustling near me. I glanced back to where I had seen the mom and kid, but they were gone. I assumed I had heard them leaving. I pulled the grate off – I was right, no screwdriver necessary – and as I set it aside, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.
It was the kid. A boy around eight or so. But they weren't staring at me exactly. They were looking away from me, staring up at the roof line. I found it odd. Clearly, the kid wanted to talk to me but had turned their back on me. I coughed to let them know that I knew they were there, but they didn't respond.
"Hey man, what's up there?" I said.
"Nothing nice," he said, still keeping their gaze away from me.
"Oh," I said, "Not going to hurt me, is it?"
"Maybe," he said.
Not the answer I was expecting. "What is it?"
"They told me you'd know soon enough."
As he said that, I felt something crawling across my hand. I pulled my hand away from the house and shook it. I saw a spider land in a pile of leaves and scurry away. I let out a nervous laugh. I'm not scared of spiders or anything, but the shock of being told some unseen thing was watching me and didn't look pleased, coupled with the sensation of something on my skin, was enough to justify a quickened heartbeat.
I looked back at where the kid had been standing, but he was gone. I chalked it up to kids being little weirdos and went back to work. The faster I could get this installation done, the quicker I could go home and smoke a bowl. I let Kush be my guide. I put up my hood, turned on my small flashlight, and shimmied through the opening under the house.
I know guys who've worked for the company for years and still dread going into a crawl space. Granted, it's not my favorite thing to do, but I don't mind either. The bugs can be a nuisance but if you don't bother them, they tend to not bother you. Same with rats and mice. Raccoons, though? I crawl out and call animal control. Those little dudes are cute but nasty as all get out. My path today was nothing but cobwebs, so I was okay.
I flashed my light around and saw where the cable line went up into the living room floor. My job here was to ensure the coaxial line's integrity was still good. If it had been chewed on or anything, I'd replace it. Sometimes, I just replaced it anyway—saving myself a potential job later down the line.
I crawled over to where the line came in from the pedestal and started my once-over. I not only looked for any damage but also ran the line through my hands to make sure my eyes didn't miss anything. I was under the dining room area when I heard that side door close.
I stopped. Tom said something, but it was muffled. I wanted to be nosy, so I waited a beat to hear if anyone spoke back to him. Someone did. It was soft and quiet – I assumed it was the Boy – and I didn't make out what they asked, but I did hear Tom's response. In a firm voice, he said, "No, not right now. Run along."
There were footsteps over me that faded into another section of the home. Tom said, "He always wants to jump the gun. How many times do I have to tell him?"
I suppressed a laugh at the last line. It's the official father's lament. I kept moving my hand down the line and didn't feel nicks along the cable. In fact, on closer inspection, the line looked almost new. I was planning to change it, but this looked like it had been installed last week.
I could hear someone walk into the living room as I reached the spot where the line went through the house. Another pair of footsteps followed the first, and I heard a breathy but detached woman's voice ask, "Can we show our faces now?"
"I just told the boy 'no.' What makes you any different?" Tom said, an edge to his voice.
A chill raced through my body. I knew those words, but this conversation made me feel like I spoke another language. Can we show our faces? Why would you not?
"Do you think he'll see us?"
"If I have my way," he said, not finishing that thought. "Leave me be. I must try to get some things done before he leaves, and you two keep bothering me."
What did Tom mean to get some things done before I left? What did he have in mind? While trying to process all this, I heard something shuffle in the darkness just beyond my flashlight beam. I moved it around, trying to see the telltale glowing eyes of varmints, but nothing flashed back at me.
I heard something shuffling again, this time down by my feet. I cocked my head as best as I could and shone the flashlight into that corner of the house but, again, there wasn't anything else down here but me and a thousand spiders. I sighed and finished my inspection of the wire.
As I turned to crawl back out from under the house, I heard somebody sneaking around on the floor above me. The wood groaned as the person moved slowly. I wasn't sure what they were doing, but they wanted to keep it a secret. A shadow fell over the pinprick of light from where the cable went into the house. Someone was standing over it.
"Can you hear them down there? Moving in the dark?" It was the Boy. “They like the dark.”
"What are you saying?"
"The little shadows," he said, "They live down there. Do you hear them?"
This kid was creepy as hell. "I, ugh, I can't hear you, dude," I said, inching my body away from the wire, "We can talk inside."
"They're going to get you, but that's okay," he said, "It only hurts for a little bit, and then you're fine."
Fuck. That. I had no desire to respond to that nightmare of a statement. I hastened my inch-worming, heading back towards the open hatch. As I did, I heard more movement in the darkness around me. I tried to ignore it, but it was a fool's gambit. It was impossible to ignore.
I was getting closer to the opening when I saw a pair of tiny legs walk in front of the hatch. It was the Boy. How did he get there so quickly and without me hearing him run on the floor? I didn't have time to run through the scientific method because the Boy leaned down and placed the metal grate back over the hatch.
"Hey! Hey!" I yelled. "I'm still under here!"
The Boy didn't stop. Instead, he placed a trashcan in front of the grate, enshrouding the entire crawlspace in darkness and trapping me inside.
"Hey! I need you to move that!" I screamed. No response. I raised my fist as high as possible and punched the floor above me to hopefully get Tom’s attention. That was a mistake, as I managed to punch straight into an old nail. I felt it puncture in between my knuckles. The pain was instant, and I let out a howl.
I shook my hand and swore a blue streak. I reached up with my other hand, felt the tip of the nail I had managed to punch, and found a flat spot next to it. I banged hard on the floor and yelled again for some help. Nobody responded. Not at first.
Then I heard someone chuckle under the house.
I couldn't locate where it had come from because it sounded like it was all around me. I swung my light around as best as I could but didn't see anything. No glowing eyes, nothing. I inched forward a bit, and someone laughed again – this time, it was to my right. I turned my light in that direction and saw a sudden flood of light fill the space under the house.
"What the hell?" I said, my desire to leave overtaken by a desire to know what was unfolding next to me.
A pair of kid legs dropped down from the hole in the floor. I realized then that the hole must be an interior crawlspace. The kid had blocked off the metal grate and opened this hatch for some reason. While he dropped his legs down, he didn't move any further.
"Hey, you have to open that metal grate," I yelled. "I don't want to be trapped down here."
"They told me they needed you," he said, followed by a slight chuckle.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I said, not caring that I was talking to a child. "Open the goddamn grate!"
"The shadows are approaching," he said, pulling himself back into the house. He placed the lid back on the hole, and I was trapped in the dark again. I cursed to myself and started pounding on the floor again.
"Hey! Someone come help me!"
That's when I felt something run across my legs. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It didn't feel like the tiny claws of a passing rat. It was cold to the touch, but as it hit my skin, I felt a burn in my bones. It's hard to explain, but I felt both extremes simultaneously. Whatever it was skittered off into the darkness of the other side of the crawl space.
The kid started laughing again, which brought me back to reality. I army crawled as fast as I could to the grate. I balled up my fist and punched in the middle of the metal. The blow knocked the old nails out of the wall, and the grate broke up. I was about to push away the garbage can when it suddenly wheeled out of the way.
I saw Tom's legs standing there.
"You okay?" he asked, concern in his voice.
I got out from under the house so fast that I left a me-sized dirt cloud in my place. Once out, I shook my body loose as if I had things crawling all over me. Tom watched but didn't say anything at first. We finally locked eyes, and he could see the rage, fear, and confusion on my face. He wisely waited until I spoke first.
"What the hell is wrong with your kid? He blocked me under there and taunted me from the indoor crawlspace."
"What are you talking about?"
"He told me the shadow people or something were watching, and then he blocked me under the house!"
Tom's face twisted up into confusion. "I...I don't understand."
"I can't make it any simpler, Tom!" I screamed, letting unprofessionalism take root.
"I don't have a kid."
It hit me like an Ali right cross. My vision got dizzy, and I struggled to catch my breath. I stared at his face, looking for the sign of a lie or a joke, but he was as stone-faced as an Easter Island statue. After a beat, I found my sense again. "I heard you talking to him in the living room when I was under the house."
"One, I was on a phone call. Two, are you spying on me? What the hell, man?"
"I wasn't spying, and you weren't on the phone," I said. I also heard you talking to your wife. She asked you if she could show her face or something."
"I don't have a wife either."
I shook my head. "I fucking saw them in the backyard! They were staring at the fence!"
Tom paused and cocked his head to the side. When he spoke, it was softly, trying to calm me down. "Are you...did you have a few drinks before the appointment? Or a pill or something? No judging – I know pill heads. I won't report you or anything, but I understand if you need to come back tomorrow with a clearer head."
"I'm sober," I said, gritting my teeth. "But I know what I saw. What I heard."
"As the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped," Tom said. "You look a little flush. You want a bottle of water or something? I can show you I'm here all alone."
My adrenaline had seeped out of my body, and I was starting to feel like myself again. I nodded at Tom, and he smiled. "I'll go grab you one. Do you want to come into the AC?"
"No, I'm okay. I need to double-check the connection to the pedestal."
"Sure. Be bright back," Tom said as he walked off.
But I had no intention of checking the connections. I was going to check on Tom. I didn't believe him at all. Something weird was going on, and I needed to know what. As soon as he turned the corner around the house, I broke out my flashlight and headed back to the crawlspace.
I dropped to the ground and shone my beam into the darkness. Something had crawled on me, and I wanted to see what it was. I moved my light into every section of the crawlspace but saw no eyes glowing back at me.
"If you're under there, call back."
There was nothing. I was starting to feel like a paranoid idiot. I called out once again just to be sure, but again, nothing called back. I shut off my light and sighed. I started pushing myself back to my feet when I heard a faint woman's voice call out, "Can we show our faces now?"
"Not yet," someone hissed from the trees above me. I snapped my head up, expecting to see someone hanging on a branch over my head, but I just saw green leaves.
"Can we show our faces now?" It was the Boy. It sounded like he was on the roof. I shielded my eyes and glanced at the roof but didn't see him.
"No. He's not ready yet," someone whispered in my ear. I snapped around, throwing a punch as I did, only to slam my fist into the fence. I felt one of my knuckles crack as it hit the wood, and the pain shot up my arm like lightning. Within seconds, my hand started to puff up, and blood dripped out the wounds.
The Boy chuckled again. It came from under the house. I looked down at the grate and saw his legs disappear into the darkness.
"Hey!" I called and dropped to the ground. I pulled out my flashlight and shone into the darkness again. I was confident I'd see him, but he wasn't there. Nobody was.
I sat up and felt goosebumps turn my arms into braille. I glanced over to the corner of the house and was surprised to see the disappearing hemline of the faded blue dress. I rushed over to the corner and didn't see the Woman. I saw Tom with a bottle of water.
"You okay?"
"Where did that woman go?" I asked, my voice panicking. "She was just here."
"Sir, do you need me to call your boss for you? You're starting to scare me."
"What's up with this house? Is it haunted?"
Tom started laughing. "I hope not. I just moved in. I'd hate to have roommates again, especially ones who leave ectoplasm all over the place."
As I stared at him, I saw the Woman and the Boy emerge from the other corner of the house. They looked up on the roof, their faces obscured by their hands and the sun. I pointed a finger at them and screamed, "They're right there!"
Tom spun around and looked, but there wasn't anything there. He turned back to me, not sure what to say. Instead, he handed me the bottle of water. "I gotta be honest. I didn't see anything. Drink the water...you might have heat stroke."
I threw the bottle on the ground. "I don't have fucking heat stroke. I have a man that's lying about these things." I got close to him. "What did you have planned for me? Why do they keep asking to show their faces?"
"I don't," he said, but I didn't stay to hear him finish his thought. I walked right past him and turned the corner of the house. As I did, I saw the blue hem disappear through the door that led to the kitchen. I followed right behind her.
I walked into the house, which was as silent as a corpse. The Woman and Boy were nowhere to be seen. "Hello?" I called out. "I just saw you guys walk in here. Where are you?"
The door behind me opened up. Tom walked in, his face reddening with anger. "You can't just walk into my house."
"I saw them walk in. Where are they?"
"I keep telling you, it's just me and you here. Now, if you want to finish your work…."
I walked away from him and headed toward the bedroom where I had seen the Boy standing. I wanted to check that crawl space. The room was empty, not even a moving box in there, so finding the hatch that led under the house was easy. I went into the closet and pried the hatch open.
Tom entered the room behind me, more confused now than angry. "I don't want a line run through here."
"The Boy was standing in this spot. I saw his legs. I spoke to him. He told me the shadows needed me for something." I glared down into the darkness under the house. Despite Tom's feigned declarations that there wasn't another person in the house, I knew he wasn't being honest.
"Okay, I'm pretty sure you're back on pills and in the middle of a delusion," he said.
"How did you know I had a pill addiction?"
"The way you're acting, it wasn't a hard guess."
"I'm sober, but I did have a problem with pills. I never told you. I don't tell anyone."
Tom stood there, confused about how to answer. I stood up and stared him down. He looked away, but I didn't move my gaze. "Who are you? Who put you up to this? Was it Rory? He trying to get me fired?"
Tom's shoulders sagged. "You got me," he said. "Rory hired me to get you in trouble. I'm... I'm sorry. He offered me free cable for a year and assured me you were a bad guy and, well…. I'm weak."
"That's really fuc…," I stopped. "You're lying. Right now. You're lying. Why?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something dash past the open crawlspace hatch. I turned to the hatch opening and then back to Tom.
"Are you trying to stop me from looking in there?"
He didn't respond.
"What's under there?"
"He is," he said. "The Boy. He hides under there all the time. He has...friends down there."
"The shadow people?"
Tom shrugged, "What he calls them. I call them a menace. Impossible to get my work done with them causing a racket."
"What work?"
"Things you'd never understand in a million years," he said, "Things beyond your brain's capacity to imagine. Things that will help usher in a new world. Your kind's time is coming to a close. My work represents the new order."
I stared at him. I wasn't sure if I should run away or punch his lights out. Instead, I just spat out, "Bro, what the fuck?"
"Can we show our faces now?" the Boy called out from under the house.
I looked down at the hatch and then back at Tom. He nodded toward the opening. "Do you want to see your future?"
"Fuck it," I said. I got down, grabbed the sides of the opening, and lowered my head under the house.
I kept my eyes closed for a second, assuming I'd either see something horrifying or something would hit me in the face. When nothing struck me, I opened my eyes. It was dark, and I couldn't make out anything.
"There's nothing under here," I said.
"Can we show our faces now?" said the Boy from somewhere under the house.
"Show him," Tom said.
I sat back up, grabbed my flashlight from my pocket, and flipped it on. I looked at Tom, "If you try anything, so help me, God."
Tom just smiled. I looked back down at the hatch and sighed. I was suddenly hit with a bolt of common sense. What was I doing? My internal alarms were going off and I was ignoring them. Curiosity had gotten me this far, but my fight instincts were starting to lose to my flight. No job was worth this.
"Man, fuck this," I said, reversing course and standing. I turned to confront Tom, but he was gone. I hadn't heard him leave, but there wasn't a trace of him there. "Tom? Where the hell are you?"
He didn't respond, and I decided that I had hit my "weird shit" quota for the day. I closed the closet door and headed back into the living room to grab my gear. I'd call dispatch and tell them someone else had to come out and finish the….
The wood floor cracked, splintered, and gave way when I put my weight on it. I fell through the floor and landed with a thud on the dirt in the crawl space. On the way down, I hit my ribs on a crossbeam and heard them crack and knock the wind out of me. As I lay on the dirt, writhing in pain, my lungs did their damnedest to find a breath. It couldn't, and my vision started to blur at the edges. For a fleeting few seconds, I envisioned my death on a dirty crawlspace floor. It wasn’t comforting.
I rolled onto my back and finally took in a massive gulp of life-saving air. The blurring vision subsided, and all that remained was the aching pain of a busted rib. My muscles around my rib cage spasmed and pulled tight against my lungs. After the initial big breath, I could only take shallow gulps because the pain was searing.
I lay there for a few seconds, collecting my thoughts, when I felt something skitter across my legs again. I kicked out of instinct but didn't hit anything. Instead, I heard the chuckling again. My flashlight had fallen out of my hand. I found it and turned it on.
This time, I did see something. Pairs of eyes—dozens of them—watched me from the darkness that surrounded me. These weren't possums or rats. I never hoped to find a raccoon under the house more than I did at that moment. I knew whatever these things were, they weren't natural and they wanted to harm me.
"Still want to know what they plan to do to you?" the Boy asked from behind me.
I turned around and shone the light where I heard the voice. The Boy was lying on his stomach, his face looking down at the ground. All I could see at the moment was the top of his head.
"Wha-what's going on?" I said, the light bouncing from my trembling hand.
"I can show you my face now," he said. He raised his head and….
The Boy didn't have a face.
He had the space for a face, but there were no features whatsoever—nothing but pale pink skin pulled tight across the front of his head. At that moment, the image of a wooden art figure came to me.
“What the ever-loving fuck?"
"Want to see something really scary?" the Boy said, his lack of a mouth not stopping him from speaking. He raised himself onto the tips of his fingers and toes and started skittering toward me, laughing as he did.
I clambered out of the crawlspace as fast as my battered body could carry me. I got out of the hole and onto my feet and let out an ear-splitting scream.
The Woman in the blue dress was standing next to the hole in the floor. Like the Boy, she didn't have a face either. But I could feel her eyes on me. Looking into my mind. Into my soul. She stepped toward me, and I bolted for the front door.
I whipped it open and was greeted by Tom standing there, blocking me. He grinned. "Leaving so soon?"
"What the hell is going on?" I asked, checking behind me to see if the Woman was still coming toward me. She was, and she was gaining quickly.
"Can we show our faces now?" he asked with a laugh.
I turned back to Tom and nearly had a heart attack. His face was gone. I could feel my heart beating in my ears. My legs were jelly, but I kept myself propped up. The human desire to survive can perform miracles.
Tom reached out and pointed at a spot on the far side of the living room wall. I turned and saw three skinned human faces hanging from old nails: a man, a woman, and a boy.
"You're turn to join us," Tom whispered. But the voice wasn't said out loud. It came from inside my own head. "We can always use another body around here."
My brain clicked into action and sent an all-points bulletin to my limbs. The message was simple and actionable – "Get the fuck going, you dope."
I felt my hand ball into a fist and spun. It landed where Tom's nose would've been. It should've knocked him back, causing him to stumble and giving me time to run. But that didn't happen. Instead, his face pulled apart, letting my fist slide right through. It closed on my arm, trapping me.
I yanked and yanked, but my arm would not dislodge from his face. I glanced back and saw the Woman nearly next to me. The Boy was climbing out of the hole, moving like a cockroach. I looked back at the wall and saw Tom's hanging face silently laughing.
Something about those silent laughs cut me to my core. They were laughing because Tom thought he had outsmarted me. He had beat me. That my face would soon be hanging on the wall next to theirs. I wasn't going to let that happen.
I saw a loose brick on the walkway, and a plan flashed in my mind. I yanked hard, sending Tom stuttering forward enough for me to wrap my finger around the brick. I brought it up and sent it towards his face. As expected, the face parted again, and the brick flew through easily.
But as soon as the face curtains pulled aside, I yanked my arm free. With my limb free, I took off in a mad sprint for my truck. I got inside and fumbled my keys as I tried to start the engine. Tom, the Woman, and the Boy stood together at the front door and watched as I got the van going and rocketed down the street.
I drove like a madman for ten minutes, trying to put as much space between me and the house as possible. I finally stopped at a gas station to collect my thoughts. I was jittery, and my mind was swimming, but I was also relieved. I had gotten out.
I collected myself and called Denise to tell her I couldn't finish the installation at 981 Maple Street. I was going to suggest we cancel the order and not send another installer there. That's when the conversation took a turn I wasn't expecting.
"Where have you been? You were supposed to be off an hour ago," Denise said when I called her.
"I was trying to finish the install at 981 Maple, the one you sent me to."
"I didn't send you anywhere," she said. "With how insane Rory is being about overtime hours, I'm trying to keep everyone below the threshold."
"What are you talking about? You called and asked me. You don't remember," I said, a bad feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.
She gave me a nervous chuckle, "I swear I didn't. Are you feeling okay? You gotta come back. People are waiting for the van."
"I can prove it. I have a record of you calling me on my phone," I said. I opened my call log, and my jaw dropped. There was no call from Denise. She was telling me the truth. But if she didn't call me, who did?
"Rory wants to talk to you when you get in. I wouldn't mess around, he seems pissed" she said before hanging up.
I haven't moved since. I wanted to write this down because I felt like it needed to be recorded. Something supremely fucked up is happening at 981 Maple Street. It nearly got me. It still might. To think, on any other typical day, a surprise conversation with my boss would be the scariest thing that could happen to me. Funny how seeing a faceless ghoul can prioritize your problems. If you're hired to do work there, turn it down. Trust me, it's not worth it.
"Can we show our faces now?" they asked. "Fuck no," should be the only response.

My hands are trembling to the point where I've had to restart this several times. I'm a guy who doesn't scare easily, but this encounter has me shaking like a hit dog. I'm still sitting in my work truck, trying to work up the courage to step outside again. Worse, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my boss what happened. I was already on thin ice with him, and this shit might cause me to break through to the freezing water below.
But fuck it, because this was weird.
I install cable for a living. I didn't have dreams of stringing cable when I was a little kid, but my previous life choices left me with few options. In high school, I fell in with the wrong crowd. It started with skipping school, sneaking alcohol at weekend parties, and some petty theft, but it didn't stay that way for long. Soon, I dropped out and dedicated my life to committing robberies to pay for my pill addiction. I wasn't living as much as I was running on a treadmill. I did whatever I could to stay on my feet but constantly felt myself slipping.
My bottom came when I was jumped by two guys who sold me pills. I had bought from them before and trusted them, but the feeling was not mutual. Someone had dimed a buddy of theirs out to the police, and he was looking at real jail time. They assumed it was me and beat me senseless.
I was greeted at the door with a punch to the jaw that sent me reeling. My brain, already addled and slowed by Oxi, was in the middle of putting together what was happening when the next punch caught me in the temple. I collapsed to the ground and covered my neck and face as best as I could. The next few minutes were a flurry of punches, kicks, and stomps. When it was all over, I had a broken jaw, a shattered wrist, several wounds that required fifty total stitches, and a concussion.
That's how I kicked my painkiller addiction.
I can joke now, but the next six months were the hardest in my life. The withdrawals I had were the worst thing I've ever experienced. Having them while I was recuperating from my injuries was a circle of hell I didn't think existed. I wanted to die most days and felt lost in the darkness. But sobriety was the beacon on the horizon. Even during my darkest moments, I could still see the fuzzy spark of white light off in the distance. It kept me going. Six months from my beat-down day, I came out the other side healthier but weaker.
I needed a job but had limited skills. Thankfully, I had a former pill buddy who managed to keep steady employment with the cable company. We always got along, and he called in a few favors and hooked me up. I got hired, but it was a struggle. Not the work, which was easy to learn, but dealing with the public without telling them to fuck off. Worse, was trying to avoid the flood of illegal substances that are around you at all times. Customers will offer you weed or pills for all the channels, or bored co-workers will have something to "make the day pass by." It's a lot to dodge, especially if you're in recovery. Whenever I felt the itch again, I'd feel the scar tissue from my wrist surgery, and the itch would pass.
The last week has been one of those "Shit, is it Friday yet?" weeks that seem to be growing in frequency these days. I don't want to bore you with the details, but needless to say, most nights, I needed to reach out to my sponsor and have them talk me off the ledge. We recently had a turnover at the executive level, and my new boss Rory was a tremendous cock. A rager at levels science hasn't ever seen before. Just the worst dude imaginable.
Part of Rory's new crusade was coming in and firing a bunch of guys. The company called it "checking for redundancies in the labor force," but we all knew what it was. He was picking off two classes of people: high earners and guys with spotty pasts. I was in the latter group and imagined it was just a matter of time before my number got pulled. I was on pins and needles all week. I made sure I was the greatest cable installer you'd ever meet. So far, I was getting high marks but the forced joviality was wearing thin.
It's safe to say my joy had left on a one-way ticket. I have no clue when—or if—she'd return.
Back to this shit. I had just finished up my last job of the day when my work phone started buzzing. I cursed and thought about not answering, but the threat of unemployment loomed too large for me to do that. I picked up and knew from the jump my day was far from over. Denise from dispatch asked if I could cover a job left hanging because of "scheduling conflicts" (see: the original installer had been let go). It was near where I was and was a simple install.
I gritted my teeth and agreed. I liked Denise and knew she was worried about the hammer falling on her, too. She thanked me profusely, and promised to bring me cookies tomorrow. Since she's a hellcat in the kitchen and getting close to a dispatcher never hurts, I said no worries. I hung up, balled up my jacket, and screamed into it. I felt better after that.
981 Maple Street was about five minutes away, but it felt like a world away. Maple Street was at the end of the neighborhood where large swaths of grass fields faded into a thicket of woods. The woods rose up into the foothills until they graduated to mountains. To borrow a phrase from Shel Silverstein, the house resided where the sidewalk ends.
The house, an off-white birdhouse ranch type, was a little run-down but no worse than any of the others that populated this neighborhood. This place had been hit hard by economic times, and property values had plummeted. It was slowly recovering. In five years, this would be a place most current residents wouldn’t be able to afford. The front yard had a large oak tree that looked amazing but had killed the grass under its canopy. The rest of the yard looked well cared for.
I knocked and heard a few voices talking on the other side of the door. It opened, and a man in his late 40s stood there with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand. He was tall and thin, save for a middle-aged paunch. His face was starting to crinkle at the edges, but he was southern California middle-aged, which meant he was holding up pretty well. He did look tired, though—the bags under his eyes were full-on steamer trunks.
"You with the cable company?" he asked, knowing I was.
I nodded. "You requested an install, right?"
"Yes, I did. Please, come in."
He opened the door wide, and I walked in. The house was pretty bare with a bachelor pad aesthetic. That didn't make much sense since I heard a female voice talking to him. I assumed it was his wife. I believe in a lot of wild shit, but to think that a wife would be fine with their house decorated like a 23-year-old bachelor lived there was a bridge too far.
"I'm Tom," the guy said, extending his hand. I shook it. "What did you need from my end?"
"Do you know if there was a previous hookup here?"
"Ugh, yeah. There is one in this room and another in the back bedroom."
"Okay. I should put the modem in a spot that'll hit the whole house. The signal can get wonky if it's in a room behind a wall or bricks or anything."
"This room is probably the best spot then," he said.
"Perfect. I have to get under the house, check the old connections, and replace some parts. Where's your hatch to get under the house?"
"Oh, it's around back. You can exit out this side door and walk through the backyard. It's on the eastern side. You might need a screwdriver to remove the grate. Do you need one?"
I pulled a screwdriver from my pocket and showed him. "I should be good. Thank you, though."
"I should've guessed you'd have one."
"I appreciate your concern. Is there anything in the backyard I should be worried about? Dogs? Kids? Wild dogs? Wild kids?"
It was standard banter, and it always got a chuckle out of people. Same thing happened here. "Nothing to worry about," he said. "You should be good."
"Alright. I'll get started so you can get online as soon as possible."
"Great! If you need anything, I'll be doing some work in the back bedroom."
I nodded and headed for the side door. The dining room door led to the pie wedge-shaped backyard, which was larger in the back than the front made it look. The grass was as cooked as its kin in the front, but islands of green weeds seemed to be thriving. In the corner of the lot, an old metal shed stood, rusted to the point where I assumed divine intervention kept it standing. It seemed to have been there since the house had been built – or maybe several decades before.
When I turned the corner of the house, I spotted a woman and child staring into the corner of the yard, their backs facing me. The Woman wore a faded blue dress that fit her well. Tom had, it seemed, out-kicked his coverage with her. I didn't want to startle them, so I offered a friendly "hello" to the pair. The kid started to turn, but the mother placed a hand on their shoulder and kept their heads facing away from me. I squinted along the treeline, trying to see what they were concentrating on, but I didn't see anything unusual.
Just wanting to be done with the job, I let them be and moved on. I turned another corner to the house's short side and spotted the grate leading to the crawlspace. The grate looked as old as the shed, and I wasn't sure I would even need the screwdriver to open it. Hell, I was sure the thing would disintegrate in my hands as soon as I touched it.
I crouched and was about to pull it off when I heard something rustling near me. I glanced back to where I had seen the mom and kid, but they were gone. I assumed I had heard them leaving. I pulled the grate off – I was right, no screwdriver necessary – and as I set it aside, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.
It was the kid. A boy around eight or so. But they weren't staring at me exactly. They were looking away from me, staring up at the roof line. I found it odd. Clearly, the kid wanted to talk to me but had turned their back on me. I coughed to let them know that I knew they were there, but they didn't respond.
"Hey man, what's up there?" I said.
"Nothing nice," he said, still keeping their gaze away from me.
"Oh," I said, "Not going to hurt me, is it?"
"Maybe," he said.
Not the answer I was expecting. "What is it?"
"They told me you'd know soon enough."
As he said that, I felt something crawling across my hand. I pulled my hand away from the house and shook it. I saw a spider land in a pile of leaves and scurry away. I let out a nervous laugh. I'm not scared of spiders or anything, but the shock of being told some unseen thing was watching me and didn't look pleased, coupled with the sensation of something on my skin, was enough to justify a quickened heartbeat.
I looked back at where the kid had been standing, but he was gone. I chalked it up to kids being little weirdos and went back to work. The faster I could get this installation done, the quicker I could go home and smoke a bowl. I let Kush be my guide. I put up my hood, turned on my small flashlight, and shimmied through the opening under the house.
I know guys who've worked for the company for years and still dread going into a crawl space. Granted, it's not my favorite thing to do, but I don't mind either. The bugs can be a nuisance but if you don't bother them, they tend to not bother you. Same with rats and mice. Raccoons, though? I crawl out and call animal control. Those little dudes are cute but nasty as all get out. My path today was nothing but cobwebs, so I was okay.
I flashed my light around and saw where the cable line went up into the living room floor. My job here was to ensure the coaxial line's integrity was still good. If it had been chewed on or anything, I'd replace it. Sometimes, I just replaced it anyway—saving myself a potential job later down the line.
I crawled over to where the line came in from the pedestal and started my once-over. I not only looked for any damage but also ran the line through my hands to make sure my eyes didn't miss anything. I was under the dining room area when I heard that side door close.
I stopped. Tom said something, but it was muffled. I wanted to be nosy, so I waited a beat to hear if anyone spoke back to him. Someone did. It was soft and quiet – I assumed it was the Boy – and I didn't make out what they asked, but I did hear Tom's response. In a firm voice, he said, "No, not right now. Run along."
There were footsteps over me that faded into another section of the home. Tom said, "He always wants to jump the gun. How many times do I have to tell him?"
I suppressed a laugh at the last line. It's the official father's lament. I kept moving my hand down the line and didn't feel nicks along the cable. In fact, on closer inspection, the line looked almost new. I was planning to change it, but this looked like it had been installed last week.
I could hear someone walk into the living room as I reached the spot where the line went through the house. Another pair of footsteps followed the first, and I heard a breathy but detached woman's voice ask, "Can we show our faces now?"
"I just told the boy 'no.' What makes you any different?" Tom said, an edge to his voice.
A chill raced through my body. I knew those words, but this conversation made me feel like I spoke another language. Can we show our faces? Why would you not?
"Do you think he'll see us?"
"If I have my way," he said, not finishing that thought. "Leave me be. I must try to get some things done before he leaves, and you two keep bothering me."
What did Tom mean to get some things done before I left? What did he have in mind? While trying to process all this, I heard something shuffle in the darkness just beyond my flashlight beam. I moved it around, trying to see the telltale glowing eyes of varmints, but nothing flashed back at me.
I heard something shuffling again, this time down by my feet. I cocked my head as best as I could and shone the flashlight into that corner of the house but, again, there wasn't anything else down here but me and a thousand spiders. I sighed and finished my inspection of the wire.
As I turned to crawl back out from under the house, I heard somebody sneaking around on the floor above me. The wood groaned as the person moved slowly. I wasn't sure what they were doing, but they wanted to keep it a secret. A shadow fell over the pinprick of light from where the cable went into the house. Someone was standing over it.
"Can you hear them down there? Moving in the dark?" It was the Boy. “They like the dark.”
"What are you saying?"
"The little shadows," he said, "They live down there. Do you hear them?"
This kid was creepy as hell. "I, ugh, I can't hear you, dude," I said, inching my body away from the wire, "We can talk inside."
"They're going to get you, but that's okay," he said, "It only hurts for a little bit, and then you're fine."
Fuck. That. I had no desire to respond to that nightmare of a statement. I hastened my inch-worming, heading back towards the open hatch. As I did, I heard more movement in the darkness around me. I tried to ignore it, but it was a fool's gambit. It was impossible to ignore.
I was getting closer to the opening when I saw a pair of tiny legs walk in front of the hatch. It was the Boy. How did he get there so quickly and without me hearing him run on the floor? I didn't have time to run through the scientific method because the Boy leaned down and placed the metal grate back over the hatch.
"Hey! Hey!" I yelled. "I'm still under here!"
The Boy didn't stop. Instead, he placed a trashcan in front of the grate, enshrouding the entire crawlspace in darkness and trapping me inside.
"Hey! I need you to move that!" I screamed. No response. I raised my fist as high as possible and punched the floor above me to hopefully get Tom’s attention. That was a mistake, as I managed to punch straight into an old nail. I felt it puncture in between my knuckles. The pain was instant, and I let out a howl.
I shook my hand and swore a blue streak. I reached up with my other hand, felt the tip of the nail I had managed to punch, and found a flat spot next to it. I banged hard on the floor and yelled again for some help. Nobody responded. Not at first.
Then I heard someone chuckle under the house.
I couldn't locate where it had come from because it sounded like it was all around me. I swung my light around as best as I could but didn't see anything. No glowing eyes, nothing. I inched forward a bit, and someone laughed again – this time, it was to my right. I turned my light in that direction and saw a sudden flood of light fill the space under the house.
"What the hell?" I said, my desire to leave overtaken by a desire to know what was unfolding next to me.
A pair of kid legs dropped down from the hole in the floor. I realized then that the hole must be an interior crawlspace. The kid had blocked off the metal grate and opened this hatch for some reason. While he dropped his legs down, he didn't move any further.
"Hey, you have to open that metal grate," I yelled. "I don't want to be trapped down here."
"They told me they needed you," he said, followed by a slight chuckle.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I said, not caring that I was talking to a child. "Open the goddamn grate!"
"The shadows are approaching," he said, pulling himself back into the house. He placed the lid back on the hole, and I was trapped in the dark again. I cursed to myself and started pounding on the floor again.
"Hey! Someone come help me!"
That's when I felt something run across my legs. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It didn't feel like the tiny claws of a passing rat. It was cold to the touch, but as it hit my skin, I felt a burn in my bones. It's hard to explain, but I felt both extremes simultaneously. Whatever it was skittered off into the darkness of the other side of the crawl space.
The kid started laughing again, which brought me back to reality. I army crawled as fast as I could to the grate. I balled up my fist and punched in the middle of the metal. The blow knocked the old nails out of the wall, and the grate broke up. I was about to push away the garbage can when it suddenly wheeled out of the way.
I saw Tom's legs standing there.
"You okay?" he asked, concern in his voice.
I got out from under the house so fast that I left a me-sized dirt cloud in my place. Once out, I shook my body loose as if I had things crawling all over me. Tom watched but didn't say anything at first. We finally locked eyes, and he could see the rage, fear, and confusion on my face. He wisely waited until I spoke first.
"What the hell is wrong with your kid? He blocked me under there and taunted me from the indoor crawlspace."
"What are you talking about?"
"He told me the shadow people or something were watching, and then he blocked me under the house!"
Tom's face twisted up into confusion. "I...I don't understand."
"I can't make it any simpler, Tom!" I screamed, letting unprofessionalism take root.
"I don't have a kid."
It hit me like an Ali right cross. My vision got dizzy, and I struggled to catch my breath. I stared at his face, looking for the sign of a lie or a joke, but he was as stone-faced as an Easter Island statue. After a beat, I found my sense again. "I heard you talking to him in the living room when I was under the house."
"One, I was on a phone call. Two, are you spying on me? What the hell, man?"
"I wasn't spying, and you weren't on the phone," I said. I also heard you talking to your wife. She asked you if she could show her face or something."
"I don't have a wife either."
I shook my head. "I fucking saw them in the backyard! They were staring at the fence!"
Tom paused and cocked his head to the side. When he spoke, it was softly, trying to calm me down. "Are you...did you have a few drinks before the appointment? Or a pill or something? No judging – I know pill heads. I won't report you or anything, but I understand if you need to come back tomorrow with a clearer head."
"I'm sober," I said, gritting my teeth. "But I know what I saw. What I heard."
"As the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped," Tom said. "You look a little flush. You want a bottle of water or something? I can show you I'm here all alone."
My adrenaline had seeped out of my body, and I was starting to feel like myself again. I nodded at Tom, and he smiled. "I'll go grab you one. Do you want to come into the AC?"
"No, I'm okay. I need to double-check the connection to the pedestal."
"Sure. Be bright back," Tom said as he walked off.
But I had no intention of checking the connections. I was going to check on Tom. I didn't believe him at all. Something weird was going on, and I needed to know what. As soon as he turned the corner around the house, I broke out my flashlight and headed back to the crawlspace.
I dropped to the ground and shone my beam into the darkness. Something had crawled on me, and I wanted to see what it was. I moved my light into every section of the crawlspace but saw no eyes glowing back at me.
"If you're under there, call back."
There was nothing. I was starting to feel like a paranoid idiot. I called out once again just to be sure, but again, nothing called back. I shut off my light and sighed. I started pushing myself back to my feet when I heard a faint woman's voice call out, "Can we show our faces now?"
"Not yet," someone hissed from the trees above me. I snapped my head up, expecting to see someone hanging on a branch over my head, but I just saw green leaves.
"Can we show our faces now?" It was the Boy. It sounded like he was on the roof. I shielded my eyes and glanced at the roof but didn't see him.
"No. He's not ready yet," someone whispered in my ear. I snapped around, throwing a punch as I did, only to slam my fist into the fence. I felt one of my knuckles crack as it hit the wood, and the pain shot up my arm like lightning. Within seconds, my hand started to puff up, and blood dripped out the wounds.
The Boy chuckled again. It came from under the house. I looked down at the grate and saw his legs disappear into the darkness.
"Hey!" I called and dropped to the ground. I pulled out my flashlight and shone into the darkness again. I was confident I'd see him, but he wasn't there. Nobody was.
I sat up and felt goosebumps turn my arms into braille. I glanced over to the corner of the house and was surprised to see the disappearing hemline of the faded blue dress. I rushed over to the corner and didn't see the Woman. I saw Tom with a bottle of water.
"You okay?"
"Where did that woman go?" I asked, my voice panicking. "She was just here."
"Sir, do you need me to call your boss for you? You're starting to scare me."
"What's up with this house? Is it haunted?"
Tom started laughing. "I hope not. I just moved in. I'd hate to have roommates again, especially ones who leave ectoplasm all over the place."
As I stared at him, I saw the Woman and the Boy emerge from the other corner of the house. They looked up on the roof, their faces obscured by their hands and the sun. I pointed a finger at them and screamed, "They're right there!"
Tom spun around and looked, but there wasn't anything there. He turned back to me, not sure what to say. Instead, he handed me the bottle of water. "I gotta be honest. I didn't see anything. Drink the water...you might have heat stroke."
I threw the bottle on the ground. "I don't have fucking heat stroke. I have a man that's lying about these things." I got close to him. "What did you have planned for me? Why do they keep asking to show their faces?"
"I don't," he said, but I didn't stay to hear him finish his thought. I walked right past him and turned the corner of the house. As I did, I saw the blue hem disappear through the door that led to the kitchen. I followed right behind her.
I walked into the house, which was as silent as a corpse. The Woman and Boy were nowhere to be seen. "Hello?" I called out. "I just saw you guys walk in here. Where are you?"
The door behind me opened up. Tom walked in, his face reddening with anger. "You can't just walk into my house."
"I saw them walk in. Where are they?"
"I keep telling you, it's just me and you here. Now, if you want to finish your work…."
I walked away from him and headed toward the bedroom where I had seen the Boy standing. I wanted to check that crawl space. The room was empty, not even a moving box in there, so finding the hatch that led under the house was easy. I went into the closet and pried the hatch open.
Tom entered the room behind me, more confused now than angry. "I don't want a line run through here."
"The Boy was standing in this spot. I saw his legs. I spoke to him. He told me the shadows needed me for something." I glared down into the darkness under the house. Despite Tom's feigned declarations that there wasn't another person in the house, I knew he wasn't being honest.
"Okay, I'm pretty sure you're back on pills and in the middle of a delusion," he said.
"How did you know I had a pill addiction?"
"The way you're acting, it wasn't a hard guess."
"I'm sober, but I did have a problem with pills. I never told you. I don't tell anyone."
Tom stood there, confused about how to answer. I stood up and stared him down. He looked away, but I didn't move my gaze. "Who are you? Who put you up to this? Was it Rory? He trying to get me fired?"
Tom's shoulders sagged. "You got me," he said. "Rory hired me to get you in trouble. I'm... I'm sorry. He offered me free cable for a year and assured me you were a bad guy and, well…. I'm weak."
"That's really fuc…," I stopped. "You're lying. Right now. You're lying. Why?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something dash past the open crawlspace hatch. I turned to the hatch opening and then back to Tom.
"Are you trying to stop me from looking in there?"
He didn't respond.
"What's under there?"
"He is," he said. "The Boy. He hides under there all the time. He has...friends down there."
"The shadow people?"
Tom shrugged, "What he calls them. I call them a menace. Impossible to get my work done with them causing a racket."
"What work?"
"Things you'd never understand in a million years," he said, "Things beyond your brain's capacity to imagine. Things that will help usher in a new world. Your kind's time is coming to a close. My work represents the new order."
I stared at him. I wasn't sure if I should run away or punch his lights out. Instead, I just spat out, "Bro, what the fuck?"
"Can we show our faces now?" the Boy called out from under the house.
I looked down at the hatch and then back at Tom. He nodded toward the opening. "Do you want to see your future?"
"Fuck it," I said. I got down, grabbed the sides of the opening, and lowered my head under the house.
I kept my eyes closed for a second, assuming I'd either see something horrifying or something would hit me in the face. When nothing struck me, I opened my eyes. It was dark, and I couldn't make out anything.
"There's nothing under here," I said.
"Can we show our faces now?" said the Boy from somewhere under the house.
"Show him," Tom said.
I sat back up, grabbed my flashlight from my pocket, and flipped it on. I looked at Tom, "If you try anything, so help me, God."
Tom just smiled. I looked back down at the hatch and sighed. I was suddenly hit with a bolt of common sense. What was I doing? My internal alarms were going off and I was ignoring them. Curiosity had gotten me this far, but my fight instincts were starting to lose to my flight. No job was worth this.
"Man, fuck this," I said, reversing course and standing. I turned to confront Tom, but he was gone. I hadn't heard him leave, but there wasn't a trace of him there. "Tom? Where the hell are you?"
He didn't respond, and I decided that I had hit my "weird shit" quota for the day. I closed the closet door and headed back into the living room to grab my gear. I'd call dispatch and tell them someone else had to come out and finish the….
The wood floor cracked, splintered, and gave way when I put my weight on it. I fell through the floor and landed with a thud on the dirt in the crawl space. On the way down, I hit my ribs on a crossbeam and heard them crack and knock the wind out of me. As I lay on the dirt, writhing in pain, my lungs did their damnedest to find a breath. It couldn't, and my vision started to blur at the edges. For a fleeting few seconds, I envisioned my death on a dirty crawlspace floor. It wasn’t comforting.
I rolled onto my back and finally took in a massive gulp of life-saving air. The blurring vision subsided, and all that remained was the aching pain of a busted rib. My muscles around my rib cage spasmed and pulled tight against my lungs. After the initial big breath, I could only take shallow gulps because the pain was searing.
I lay there for a few seconds, collecting my thoughts, when I felt something skitter across my legs again. I kicked out of instinct but didn't hit anything. Instead, I heard the chuckling again. My flashlight had fallen out of my hand. I found it and turned it on.
This time, I did see something. Pairs of eyes—dozens of them—watched me from the darkness that surrounded me. These weren't possums or rats. I never hoped to find a raccoon under the house more than I did at that moment. I knew whatever these things were, they weren't natural and they wanted to harm me.
"Still want to know what they plan to do to you?" the Boy asked from behind me.
I turned around and shone the light where I heard the voice. The Boy was lying on his stomach, his face looking down at the ground. All I could see at the moment was the top of his head.
"Wha-what's going on?" I said, the light bouncing from my trembling hand.
"I can show you my face now," he said. He raised his head and….
The Boy didn't have a face.
He had the space for a face, but there were no features whatsoever—nothing but pale pink skin pulled tight across the front of his head. At that moment, the image of a wooden art figure came to me.
“What the ever-loving fuck?"
"Want to see something really scary?" the Boy said, his lack of a mouth not stopping him from speaking. He raised himself onto the tips of his fingers and toes and started skittering toward me, laughing as he did.
I clambered out of the crawlspace as fast as my battered body could carry me. I got out of the hole and onto my feet and let out an ear-splitting scream.
The Woman in the blue dress was standing next to the hole in the floor. Like the Boy, she didn't have a face either. But I could feel her eyes on me. Looking into my mind. Into my soul. She stepped toward me, and I bolted for the front door.
I whipped it open and was greeted by Tom standing there, blocking me. He grinned. "Leaving so soon?"
"What the hell is going on?" I asked, checking behind me to see if the Woman was still coming toward me. She was, and she was gaining quickly.
"Can we show our faces now?" he asked with a laugh.
I turned back to Tom and nearly had a heart attack. His face was gone. I could feel my heart beating in my ears. My legs were jelly, but I kept myself propped up. The human desire to survive can perform miracles.
Tom reached out and pointed at a spot on the far side of the living room wall. I turned and saw three skinned human faces hanging from old nails: a man, a woman, and a boy.
"You're turn to join us," Tom whispered. But the voice wasn't said out loud. It came from inside my own head. "We can always use another body around here."
My brain clicked into action and sent an all-points bulletin to my limbs. The message was simple and actionable – "Get the fuck going, you dope."
I felt my hand ball into a fist and spun. It landed where Tom's nose would've been. It should've knocked him back, causing him to stumble and giving me time to run. But that didn't happen. Instead, his face pulled apart, letting my fist slide right through. It closed on my arm, trapping me.
I yanked and yanked, but my arm would not dislodge from his face. I glanced back and saw the Woman nearly next to me. The Boy was climbing out of the hole, moving like a cockroach. I looked back at the wall and saw Tom's hanging face silently laughing.
Something about those silent laughs cut me to my core. They were laughing because Tom thought he had outsmarted me. He had beat me. That my face would soon be hanging on the wall next to theirs. I wasn't going to let that happen.
I saw a loose brick on the walkway, and a plan flashed in my mind. I yanked hard, sending Tom stuttering forward enough for me to wrap my finger around the brick. I brought it up and sent it towards his face. As expected, the face parted again, and the brick flew through easily.
But as soon as the face curtains pulled aside, I yanked my arm free. With my limb free, I took off in a mad sprint for my truck. I got inside and fumbled my keys as I tried to start the engine. Tom, the Woman, and the Boy stood together at the front door and watched as I got the van going and rocketed down the street.
I drove like a madman for ten minutes, trying to put as much space between me and the house as possible. I finally stopped at a gas station to collect my thoughts. I was jittery, and my mind was swimming, but I was also relieved. I had gotten out.
I collected myself and called Denise to tell her I couldn't finish the installation at 981 Maple Street. I was going to suggest we cancel the order and not send another installer there. That's when the conversation took a turn I wasn't expecting.
"Where have you been? You were supposed to be off an hour ago," Denise said when I called her.
"I was trying to finish the install at 981 Maple, the one you sent me to."
"I didn't send you anywhere," she said. "With how insane Rory is being about overtime hours, I'm trying to keep everyone below the threshold."
"What are you talking about? You called and asked me. You don't remember," I said, a bad feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.
She gave me a nervous chuckle, "I swear I didn't. Are you feeling okay? You gotta come back. People are waiting for the van."
"I can prove it. I have a record of you calling me on my phone," I said. I opened my call log, and my jaw dropped. There was no call from Denise. She was telling me the truth. But if she didn't call me, who did?
"Rory wants to talk to you when you get in. I wouldn't mess around, he seems pissed" she said before hanging up.
I haven't moved since. I wanted to write this down because I felt like it needed to be recorded. Something supremely fucked up is happening at 981 Maple Street. It nearly got me. It still might. To think, on any other typical day, a surprise conversation with my boss would be the scariest thing that could happen to me. Funny how seeing a faceless ghoul can prioritize your problems. If you're hired to do work there, turn it down. Trust me, it's not worth it.
"Can we show our faces now?" they asked. "Fuck no," should be the only response.

I'm 37 and in the UK. I'm thinking of applying for either a L2 assistant ranger apprenticeship or L2 horticulture apprenticeship and I'm wondering how to make my CV look decent so my application will be considered.
I have some relevant experience including: - permaculture design certificate - this included designing an outdoor space at a homeless shelter - volunteering for one day a week for a year in the grounds of an institute where they practiced biodynamic gardening/agriculture (making wildlife habitats, sawing branches, gathering hay, driving a tractor, making compost heaps, weed management, using a strimmer...) - growing vegetables and gardening for family members
The problem is, the rest of my CV is a mess. Due to a previously undiagnosed condition, I had to change jobs several times. They include instrumental music teaching, retail and admin work, wellbeing coaching, and content/copywriting.
Please give me hope that my CV won't ruin my chances! (But be honest if I'm screwed)
Thank you

I'm 37 and in the UK. I'm thinking of applying for either a L2 assistant ranger apprenticeship or L2 horticulture apprenticeship and I'm wondering how to make my CV look decent so my application will be considered.
I have some relevant experience including: - permaculture design certificate - this included designing an outdoor space at a homeless shelter - volunteering for one day a week for a year in the grounds of an institute where they practiced biodynamic gardening/agriculture (making wildlife habitats, sawing branches, gathering hay, driving a tractor, making compost heaps, weed management, using a strimmer...) - growing vegetables and gardening for family members
The problem is, the rest of my CV is a mess. Due to a previously undiagnosed condition, I had to change jobs several times. They include instrumental music teaching, retail and admin work, wellbeing coaching, and content/copywriting.
Please give me hope that my CV won't ruin my chances! (But be honest if I'm screwed)
Thank you

Is my bf looking to cheat on me or get a new mom?
My bf of 8 years is uncomfortably close to his female co-worker (Jessica), who’s in her 40’s. He is 23. He had a lot of issues with his mother growing up and she had to leave him as a child for a few years due to safety reasons (abusive ex), but he saw her disappearance as abandonment. I have tried to explain that is not the case to him, but as a child it would be heartbreaking to have your mom leave for a couple years and not understand why, but he is old enough know to see why she had to leave and it was not simply to abandon him. Him and his mom do talk now but they are still not super close.
Anyways, so he messages his 40 year old co-worker Jessica almost every day, whether work related or not. He will often tell her a new development or something exciting in his life before he tells me. He (to my knowledge) has NOT bought her any romantic gifts. But I know he’s bought her a new xbox controller for her birthday (he’s even been over to her house to help fix xbox issues - and she gives him homemade dinners), he’s also bought random little gifts here and there for no reason. He just bought her (and another co-worker) a deck of cards which are themed to their favourite TV shows. When I asked why he didn’t buy me any cards (not a big deal, just curious), he said “well you don’t like anything”.. maybe the store didn’t have any themed cards I would like or he just really didn’t want to buy me anything - not that I ever expect gifts - just bizzare to keep spending money on co-workers randomly? He buys them coffee all the time and when we go for coffee, I often end up paying..
Jessica has also bought him a pair of ray bans for his birthday. And I know they buy eachother coffee and dinner while on shift. They spend HOURS in his car just hanging out, smoking weed and talking (like him and I used to do..) - the fear of a hookup is always there. He used to drive her home almost every night and they would sit in his car outside her house for 30+ mins drinking beer and smoking.
I am about 10 months older than him, so he already likes older women. His high school friends were females older than him. Jessica is (significantly) older than him.
He is now trying to plan outside of work hang outs, like he wants to bring Jessica to the shooting range… he always invites me to hang out with them, but I would be third wheeling and I feel that it would be very awkward. I also don’t know how to hang out with a 40 year old woman? I’m 24, seems odd?
I made him prove his loyalty one day by going an entire 2 days without messaging Jessica. I wanted to let the messages from her pile up and see how he could handle it - I noticed he SILENCED her notifications so that way they wouldn’t pop up, instead of just ignoring them… was this so he could try and forget about her for a day because the temptation to respond was too strong? Or maybe this is just how the male brain processed my request.
I have brought all of this up to him numerous times and he always reassures me that she is just a friend and nothing more - he stated that she is a ugly lesbian (but she had 2 kids, with 2 different men)…he then says I do not trust him… I mean I do trust him, but a part of me will also be kind of iffy.. which leads to an incident that happened 2 years ago that I have a very hard time getting over.. which is why I think this could be a potential cheating issue.
I HAVE caught him before messaging another girl (close in age) being flirty, asking for nudes etc. I called him out for that and made him block that girl. When I asked his reasoning for it, he said he was behaving like this just too see if he could.. I’m assuming it was just to see that he could get another girl if he wanted? Just to see how easy it is to get another girls attention? How easy it would be to hook up? — there was a joke made in their conversation about hooking up - to this day I still am unsure to whether they really did hook up or not - I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt that is never happened. - he did apologize about this and that he didn’t mean to hurt me. I accept the apology but I’m still hurt.
I guess I am almost jealous? Maybe also a little worried for his mental health? Maybe I am just over reacting? Is this just normal men behaviour?
Thoughts?? New mommy or new gf?? Am I just insane?

Pretty sure I am genuinely heading into psychosis. Unlike 90% of the people here, I did not get dpdr from from weed, edibles, panic attacks, anxiety attacks, or substance abuse, never did any of those things a day in my life. Whenever I post trying to find any answers as to what is going on here, I am met with no replies. My condition is chronic and has been slowly getting worse since I was 13, I am now 30. When I tell you my symptoms are severe and don't relate to anyone else's here, I truly mean that. I don't know if it's because I didn't get it from a one time event of weed, panic or anxiety or something, but I am in such a horrible state that I am losing my ability to function each day. Memory, vision, closed eye visuals, mental clarity, completely detached, dulled senses and sensory perception changes, hot head, pressure at back of head (both of which gets much worse with screen time), detached, mild scoliosis, hyperacusis and tinnitus (which makes it all worse because it happened recently while I was going through this and never have experienced it before this, from a dental cleaning). Most of these symptoms are things I never see mentioned here outside of memory and brain fog in severe cases. I do not have out of body nothing, no tunnel vision that I see a lot of people with weed or panic induced issues mention. I feel like my issues are for some reason stemming from my actual eyes but the optometrist I've been going to says my vision is fine.
I don't expect a reply, but I will give a brief write up. Never struggled with stress or anxiety growing up, never had a traumatic childhood growing up, I think something in my genetics or something physical caused this. I have always been a level headed person. When I was 13, I had a cold in the gym. I was born with a heart murmur which went away but left me with exercise intolerance that got worse over the years, now I get high blood pressure and elevated heart rate from just standing up. So in the gym at that age, I had a cold, I decided to shoot basketball even though I wasn't feeling well. Did this and time started skipping around me really bad, so I sat down, afterwards I went home that day and noticed that my vision was off. Like I couldn't properly focused on things and I had opened and closed eye visuals (that have gotten worse over the years), like visual snow but not black and white dots. This never went away. Got a few painless ocular migraines this year that went away and never came back. Every time they would happen, felt as if my vision cleared some but then they stopped happening entirely.
At age 19, I was doing something that required a lot of visual focus in low lighting, later that day I noticed I was feeling off, and all of my symptoms had gotten worse. But with the addition of brain fog. Light brain fog and perception issues, I couldn't describe this feeling to anyone so I just got over it and went on living my life, the cognitive issues never messed up.
At 25, went to the movies one night, didn't want to put my head on the seat, so I sat with forward head posture for the film. Next day, woke up, noticed my vision had changed again, this time with physical symptoms. Head pressure at the back of head whenever I would look at phones or any digital devices. Started having double vision when putting finger in front of face.
Age 30, February, was playing a game one night, endless archive in ESO. Intense session, forward head posture, really immersed because it requires a lot of concentration. Put in eye drops and went to bed. Next day woke up, feeling more off, the first cognitive change since 19, my vision was worse, extremely heavy eyes, constant pressure at back of head, eyes blurring when reading texting, having to constantly blink to refocus near vision , feeling like I'm looking through stuff instead of at stuff. No light sensitivity, but artificial lights like light bulbs, car light, and street lights all hurt my eyes and seem slightly brighter than before. When this first started I would get dizzy and nausea, but thoss two symptoms went away over time, or maybe my brain is blocking it out more now. My symptoms have all gotten progressively worse and have never once got better. I do not have episodes, my situation is chronic.
In May, really wanted to explore options before I completely lost my mind since I felt myself sinking deeper each day into what was happening, so I went to the dentist to see if I need work done which I do. They cleaned my teeth which unfortunately left me with permanent tinnitus. Those of you who do not have this, it's not just some ear ringing, it's chronic and makes it impossible for you to try medication or any kind of treatment methods because everything has the possibility of making it much worse, if you don't have this symptom, you truly don't know how good you have it, people with it sometimes get psychosis because their is no end. Things like mindfulness, meditation, stuff that never worked for me in general, are completely off the table with tinnitus, because you never have any form of peace anymore.
Lastly, I truly understand why most people look at posts but do not reply, if you know your situation is from weed, medication, substance, anxiety or panic attacks, and have struggled with these things your entire life, it's kinda odd to come in here and see some people with situations that seem more complex than yours which has a more simple cause. But the people like me still need help, advice and support as well. I search through people's profiles and am so amazed to see how many people are living normal lives with DPDR, like still finding enjoyment in stuff, still being able to concentrate physically and mentally, meanwhile I'm like a complete vegetable and cannot go back to any sort of a normal life. It makes me feel like even more of an idiot because I come here every blue moon, type up a whole story in hopes that I can get some help or guidance, and then get completely ignored because no one has it as rough, or everyone got it through weed, childhood trauma, drugs, or otherwise.
It truly makes you feel cursed knowing that you never experienced any of those things, actively avoided those things all your life, and still ended up like this, with one of the more chronic, severe cases that no one can relate to. And then you watch a bunch of videos, tiktoks etc and can't relate to those as well. I won't talk about the stuff I have tried to help myself so far, because I don't expect to actually get a reply here, but I have a neurologist appointment a year from now, because that's how horrible healthcare is where I live, so I'm definitely not going to be alive by that point.
To those of you who have "episodes", or only experience mental issues with no physical components to your situation, I just want you to know how truly lucky you are. For those of you who have it like me, and struggle to stay present in any given moment, not tied to anxiety or stress, drug abuse or weed, I know it doesn't mean much, but just know that you are not alone, even if your posts never get any replied.
Reddit is a forum that mostly houses the majority, so there will be a ton of support here for people who got their dpdr or dissociative disorders from panic attacks, anxiety attacks, trauma abuse, drug or weed abuse, and no support for those of us with less conventional origins. Because most people's origins are anxiety, panic, drug or weed induced, the advice thats given is to alleviate those things, keep your anxiety low etc. Thats why you can't find support anywhere online for less conventional causes, like BVD, epilepsy, migraine disorders, etc, because no one here is interested in exploring other causes that aren't related to the common causes. Not only that, but most people's situations here are mild in that they are still able to go on and live a somewhat normal life. They don't have things like tinnitus, hyperacusis, or anything else that compounds their issues. I will read a story here about someone who has this chronic, and then check out their profile and it's just a bunch of normal stuff everyone else does. I guess that's the case if your situation is truly just caused by anxiety or depression and by getting treated for those things allow you to function and reconnect, but it really sucks how many of us I see here get outright ignored. It's not just my posts, I see it all the time. I'm ranting because at the end of the day we're all suffering, but those of us who are suffering in a more complex way or maybe have conditions that compound our current issues (like tinnitus, if you don't know how bad this is or never heard of this condition, check out that subreddit and then come back here).
My dpdr is so bad that I am essentially bed bound, I cannot do any of the normal things I see A LOT of people posting here or in their post history. Gaming, watching TV, classes, listening to music (tinnitus and hyperacusis), following a conversation. Imagine dealing with all of that, with no cause (outside of the tinnitus) and no support (because no one here can relate). Even now, I lay here, bed bound cognitively, with no anxiety or panic, slowly forgetting everyone and everything around me, trying to figure out what happened to cause this and if there's any way to treat it if it's not caused by anxiety, trauma, or drugs. I don't know of a subreddit to turn to when the dpdr subreddit can't relate to you. It's completely isolating. This post is long I know, but since no one ever really replies it doesn't really matter. Maybe I should be actually posting this in the psychosis subreddit, not sure, so many physical issues and weird progression to this point that it feels criminal to even post this here. Here is a little advice, if you have dpdr or something like it, and your situation is chronic with physical ailments (not stuff like tunnel vision, feeling out of body), I mean like actual vision issues, head pressure at the back of head, etc. And you know you never touched a drug or had anxiety and stuff growing up, please get off this subreddit and explore actual possible medical causes of your dpdr. Since most people are here due to very clear causes, the community is comprised of people who only are treated for anxiety and depression.
SOME ADVICE AND SUPPORT TO THOSE OFTEN IGNORED:
If you know your dpdr is not anxiety, panic, trauma, weed or drug induced, it's time for you to start looking elsewhere, because you could actually have undiagnosed medical conditions. Referring to the people who have severe cognitive issues. Also, some of you with mild dpdr (primarily just vision issues like floor moving, wall moving etc, dizziness in supermarkets), may have BVD (binocular vision dysfunction)
https://www.reddit.com/BinocularVision/
If you have tinnitus and hyperacusis (doesn't seem like many people here have), I do not recommend going to those respective subreddits, as they are very negative and dark.
If you have head pressure, ocular migraines or anything like that. It may be worth asking in the migraine and epilepsy subreddits to see if your symptoms line up with theirs.
If you have heart rate issues only standing, you may have pots or postural tachycardia, and may need to see a cardiologist, there is also subreddits for those.
If you live in an area with ticks, being tested is a good Idea even if you don't remember being bitten. Lastly, mild dpdr can also come from certain vitamin and mineral deficiencies, such as vitamin d, b12, or iron deficiency. Stuff like MS or chiari malformation as well. Some of this stuff may help some of you if your dpdr does not have a cause. Also, even if you all know your dpdr was caused by weed, anxiety or drugs, alcohol etc, you should still give support to the people here who don't have those things. This condition is already extremely isolating, so even if you know your dpdr isn't severe (as in you can still function to some degree), or only comes in episodes, you can still help, especially if other people here have helped you before, like paying it forward.

okay so this might be long because i want to provide as much detail as possible so you can get the full picture. i (23NB) have lived in this NYC apartment for 4 years, and lived with one of my roommates (24F) (will be referred to as “A”) for the entirety of the time i’ve been in the city, which is 6 years. we were assigned roommates in college and just kept living together because at the time we were good friends and it worked! we had rotating 3rd roommates throughout the years and dealt with a lot of crazy shit together, including a violent roommate, but that’s a story for a different day. so this roommate and i had been having some issues for the past couple of years because she got addicted to ketamine. i felt responsible for her because it started out as us using recreationally together but she spiraled out of control with it and honestly the entire situation was just a lot on me. throughout her addiction she was doing, at one point, 16 grams in 3 days, so i was really worried that she would die, not to mention she doesn’t really test her drugs and was getting it from a neighborhood that’s notorious for fentanyl. it honestly became my full time job to take care of her, but at the end of the day I was just trying to be a good friend. after some therapy/self work, i now realize how enabling the role I was playing actually was, but it was just the position that I was put in and I had also never dealt with something like this before. I feel like for further context, i should add that A’s parents pay her rent and for a lot of things for her. she had a part time job at the time and was also in school but left due to her addiction. the situation that i am in is very different, my family does not support me financially and i pay for everything for myself and have made my way pretty much on my own. i’m pretty established in my neighborhood because I am a tattoo artist at a local shop and also have worked for 3 other businesses within the same few blocks. i also consistently have multiple jobs at once, now i have 3, and for a long time I was working 6 days a week. not really relevant to the situation but needless to say, i already have a LOT on my plate. anyways, so yeah. for about almost 2 years, i was dealing with my roommates addiction. i watched her overdose and throw up on herself 5-7 times, she projectile vomited all over the house, i have dragged her out of a pool of her own vomit, she would consistently lie to me about whether she was high or had bought ketamine, and our other friends and i would go through her room to make sure she wasn’t hiding it countless times, (to no avail obviously, she would always lie and say she didn’t have any more when she did, hidden in hard to find places.) it affected everyone in our friend group and in her life. but especially me because i was really the only person who was physically present for it all. i tried talking to her about it at first, and was very understanding and patient with her and genuinely was doing my best to help because she was my friend, we were really close, and I didn’t want to see her die or ruin her life. she also expected me to say something to her and would tell me that i should say something if i thought she was high. she would say this when she was sober and it started off an an “accountability partner” thing, but eventually became very codependent and unhealthy. even when i would ask her, she would lie. i made it very clear from the beginning that all of this was damaging our relationship, but i was still doing my best to be her friend and be there for her. at one point, i even took the drugs out of her room and hid them in mine to take to another friends house the next day to dispose of them, and she went into my room and found them. it reached a point where I made her call her parents and tell them what had been going on. calling her parents had honestly been in discussion for a while, and the sober version of her agreed that it needed to happen. she got a slap on the wrist and sent to the mental hospital for a few days, she even convinced them to let her out early! her parents also weren’t really involved in her care at all after because she has never been disciplined in her life, her parents think she can do no wrong. she relapsed soon after she got out and at this point, I started taking a lot more space for myself because I was mentally and emotionally drained and it was clear that all my efforts were in vain. this was after dealing with it for about a year. honestly, i should have definitely started planning on moving out around this point. the reasons I didn’t were the fact that i still considered A to be one of my best friends despite what we had gone through, all of my jobs are like a 5-10 minute walk away, and I also loved my room. i put a lot of time and effort into decorating it and I had also lived there for a long time and for a really great price, $850 for a huge room with a dishwasher, laundry in building, AND a rooftop i can smoke on outside my window with a view of a GREEN backyard with PLANTS. not some concrete bs. that’s UNHEARD OF in nyc. im also not really great with change, even if it’s for the best, and to be honest i was also naive and thought things would eventually go back to normal. this was a person that i previously trusted a lot, i didn’t think she would normally do these things to me. anyways, eventually she got sober and then my, at the time, best friend of 7 years from home, a state across the country, moved in. (22 F, let’s call her “B”) we met in high school and I was in the class above her. we only went to school together for a year before I graduated and moved to NYC, so for the past few years, our friendship had been over facetime/seeing eachother occasionally when I would come visit. B’s background is similar to mine, the state we’re from is very impoverished and we both left the religion we were raised as. another huge reason she moved here was so that she could start medically transitioning and get on estrogen. i was really excited for her and also wanted to support her in her transition, im also non binary and we come from a really transphobic state, so growing up queer in the south was like a huge part of our friendship, and when she moved in, she didn’t have a lot of gender affirming clothes, and i had a ton of clothes, so i gave her a bunch of mine, i sent her resources, lent her books/zines, point is i really was trying to support her, and before she moved in and even throughout us living together we would talk for hours about this stuff. also, normally, i would not feel the need to even mention the fact that someone is trans, but all of this is relevant to the story. i will also add that I know now to never live with friends! at the time, i thought it would be okay because I trusted her and we seemed to have good communication on roommate matters and i think we both had good intentions going into it. we would say things like “i don’t plan on moving out on bad terms” “we can communicate and respect eachothers boundaries!” etc. i also knew that she really wanted to move here because she had talked about it for years and she came and visited before she moved in. so yeah, things were great at first, but not for long. so I am someone who, like I said, am at work most of the time and when i come home from work I just want to relax and smoke weed and chill and if you know me in real life, you know that i’m not a very beefy person and it takes a lot to really make me upset, i’m generally chill about most things, honestly to my detriment. so the first signs of things starting to go south were when B started to say that I was ignoring her. this was confusing to me, as we hung out most days after I got off work, and she even had a job herself at the time, (she’s been fired twice in the past year and was unemployed on and off) so she wasn’t like completely trapped in the house all the time. I would try to inquire further and understand why she thought I was ignoring her, and reassure her that I’m listening. she started telling me that she needs a lot of reassurance, and i told her that I am happy to reassure her whenever needed! we talked it through and i genuinely started to put in a lot of effort into making sure i was being fully present during our time together and also making sure I was hanging out with her enough. this evolved into us having very extensive conversations for hours where she would bring up the fact that she still felt like i was ignoring her, and i would reassure that I was not purposefully ignoring her, im listening and really trying. and almost daily she would bring up a problem that she had with something that I said or did. she even at one point started tweeting about me, saying things like “do u even consider others?”. she also asked me to be on constant emotional monitoring for her, which i told her that i will not do that. i don’t really pick up on subtle social cues or “shade” and also it’s not my job to do that. if something upsets you, you can communicate with me about it instead of being passive aggressive or expecting me to be able to read your mind. plus, real friends don’t have to be responsible for every single emotion! at one point, she told me that she was mad at me because living together wasn’t living up the the idealized version of what she thought it would be. she would also guilt trip me like a LOT. she would be like “as a friend, you should be doing ____ for me” and her requests got more and more ridiculous as time went on, one of them being to basically force myself to start listening to a genre of music that i simply just don’t like or want to listen to during my own time, insinuating that i would be a bad friend if i didn’t like the same music as her. and to that, i tried to explain to her that we don’t have to like the same music in order to be friends and that i don’t care if she listens to music that i don’t particularly listen to on my own, although i am happy to listen to her recommendations, i am picky about the music I listen to. basically i felt like she was trying to find any stupid reason to say i was a bad friend. it started to really annoy me, because i already had a lot on my plate, and honestly i just didn’t have the bandwidth to be fully present all the time, especially after dealing with my other roommates addiction for so long. i needed space and time for myself really badly, and I felt like I was trying really hard to please her to no avail. all of this was incredibly exhausting to deal with. i tried to communicate this to B, but it never got through. during these very tedious conversations, B would say things that were extremely concerning, such as “You need to stop triggering me!!!” to which i responded, “okay let’s make a deal, i will be more mindful of your triggers if you work on managing them.” she would also constantly make accusations at me. for example, she accused me of laughing AT HER when i was not, and I was laughing at something completely unrelated. there were many other times that she accused me of doing and saying things that I never said or did. she would twist my words a lot, things i told her in confidence, and use them against me, adding an entire new meaning to what i was saying. and if i disagreed with her or got even a little defensive she would be like “You just pissed me off!!!!” i honestly felt like she was just picking on me and criticizing me at a lot of points, because I could literally breathe wrong and it would be an issue. i now realize that she actually just needs to create drama, but i didnt want to admit that at the time. again, during this time I was trying to be very calm during our conversations when trying to reassure her and explain myself, but internally I was very stressed out by all of this. at some point during all this, A relapsed. this was a disaster, B knew about the relapse and was lying to me about it. i was especially upset because the way A relapsed was she asked me to unlock the parental password on her phone so she could “update apps”, but instead she downloaded the app she uses to text her plug, so essentially she tricked me into enabling her relapse. i messaged her parents immediately and told them. at this point, i felt like it was expected of me to do that. of course, they basically did nothing for a while, it got really bad. A was basically not functioning at all. she would tell me that she didn’t care how she made me feel. our other friend came over and went through her room and babysat her to make sure she wouldn’t do ketamine but she pretended to go to sleep while he was literally crying next to her and she got up and did it right after he left. a lot of horrible things were said, i would express the fact that i hate that i can’t trust her, and she would scream back “i don’t want you to trust me!”, amongst many other awful things. we would hear loud snorting like every few minutes every single day, which was extremely stressful. she broke the stove because she was high, it was affecting the way she looked and her physical health, and at this point it was a safety concern for her and for B and I, because we did not want to be responsible if something happened to her and this was affecting us tremendously. eventually, B and I called her parents and told them a lot of details and begged them to send her to rehab, I had to send them a long text message being like super blunt about the fact that she needs to get professional help or she will die, and they were basically saying that ultimately it’s up to her, which was bullshit in my opinion, but she did end up going. during the time A was in rehab, things with B got progressively worse. a lot of weird and horrible things started happening, she berated me for like over an hour about one of my closest friendships, that she met once and got “bad vibes from”, i told her that I didn’t want to be put in a position where i have to defend my other friendships to her, especially ones that have nothing to do with her, and that this person is an extremely good friend to me, and that she didn’t have to be around her if she didn’t want to. i was asking her to stop but she wouldn’t! she was pulling bullshit reasons why i shouldn’t hang out with this person anymore out of her ass. for context, B drinks a lot, and she drank the night we all hung out while my other friend and i didn’t really drink. she was like “i actually HAD to drink that night because your friend was making me so uncomfortable!” which, that night was extremely normal and chill, nothing bad happened at all, also don’t blame me or anyone else for your own habits! she would pick fights almost daily. on halloween, we got drunk together with one of the people she was seeing at the time, and she ended up berating me in front of this person for ignoring her, not respecting her, etc and the person had to step in and tell her that she’s making pointed comments at me and not hearing me out, and that she was being horrible to me. (this is not the only time someone hung out with us together and then told her that she was being an asshole to me.) that night, she said a lot of hurtful things, such as “at least i don’t have a bunch of fake friendships!” (as if my friendship with her was the only “real friendship” i could have) and “you don’t have the lesbian experience you claim to have!!!!” (what does that even mean??? i’ve been lesbian since before we met lol) and she also falsely accused me of saying that being a lesbian is worse than being a trans woman, which i never said! i have never even thought that and that is not how i feel at all! at first i tried to explain everything using logic, but eventually i basically told her to stop projecting her insecurities onto me and to stop dragging me into her shit. she slammed the door in my face when we got home. we didn’t talk for like a month. during this month, i really needed some outside support, so i reached out to some trusted people to tell them what was going on and get some advice on what i should do/ how to handle the situation, and to get an outside perspective. honestly, that night was the straw that broke the camels back and sent me into a full mental breakdown from the stress of everything that had been going on in the house. i was like scream crying every single day for the entire month, unable to function at work, not thinking clearly at all. everyone in my life was telling me i should just move out asap. i think i was just extremely upset because I then realized that my relationships with both of them were not healthy, but i really cared about these people. i was extremely disappointed in how things were going, and i was also extremely worried about both of their wellbeings, i didn’t want anything to happen to them or to not have them in my life. and i was also upset that they had been being absolutely horrible to me and i was honestly just sick of being treated like shit by my roommates at this point. honestly i was an asshole when i would talk about it sometimes, but how was i supposed to be kind when everyone was being so cruel to me for no reason? i was honestly really mad, especially because B knew the stress of taking care of A, like why are you adding to the intense stress i already had just experienced?? during this time, i realized that all of this was happening because of B’s untreated BPD. to clarify, i do not care about people having bpd or other mental health disorders as long as you are not hurting other people, which, B was hurting me a lot and honestly our relationship was pretty destructive to my mental health. i also realized that these friendships were wildly codependent and unhealthy, and I needed to set boundaries. i can only take so much abuse!!! and i felt like a scapegoat for both of them and a crutch in the situation. although i still cared for these people, i knew that this was not sustainable long term. i could not handle the weight of A’s life on my back or the way I was being treated by either of them, or the fact that my home was not actually safe. at first, i was going to move out and take a break from the friendships, with the intention of hopefully rekindling when we were all in healthier places, but also the need to move out felt super urgent. the stress from this entire situation had leaked into every area of my life. i was doing poorly at work, every person in my life was telling me how i needed to get out asap because this shit was bad for my health and they had watched my mental health deteriorate because of it but i really didn’t want to move, i had lived there and known these people for so long. after chatting with other people who have bpd who are in therapy and live an emotionally healthy life, they told me that what really helps people with bpd is if you are honest with them and encourage them to seek treatment, as well as setting clear boundaries around their behavior. i was the closest person to her at the time, so i wanted to be honest with her and try to help, i wrote both of my roommates long text messages explaining how i felt and what my boundaries were moving forward. they did not take this well! they started justifying their behavior to eachother, and made me out to be the villain in the story. A told B that i told other people she had bpd, which i did do! but i did that because i needed support and advice, and I also couldn’t handle the horrible treatment i was receiving, the weight of all of this was extremely heavy. not because i was trying to “turn people against her”, as they were trying to make it seem like. this is a real life adult issue, not some petty sides picking bullshit, and i genuinely needed support because everything that was happening was making me feel insane and extremely stressed out. I even previously asked A not to say anything to B to make the situation worse and that at this point I just wanted to have conversations surrounding solution. B was upset that I told people what was going on and accused me of being manipulative. i honestly understand why she would be upset about that, it’s a very stigmatized disorder and it wasn’t really my place to share that information. i also told these people those things in confidence, i didn’t expect them to tell her i said anything to try to make the situation worse. and i also only told people that i trusted and honestly i just wanted help and support and an outside perspective and to express my feelings. after i sent the long text messages to my roommates, (i let B read hers in person so we could have open dialogue and A hers while she was in rehab so she could talk about it in therapy) (also i know that long text messages are not the best way to communicate and work through issues, im going to avoid doing that in the future) B’s response was basically something like, yeah i have bpd and yes I was projecting my shit onto you and lashing out at you, but I used to do way worse things to people. but thank you for typing this out and i’m gonna start going to therapy and working on it. she also said something like “well. friendships are through the good, the bad, and the ugly. sorry that you saw my ugly side!” like. okay. a real apology would be nice lol. in the days after this, i ended up having a huge mental crisis from all of the overwhelming stress and could not function properly, i had to go to the hospital. once i got back from the hospital, all I wanted to do was work on myself. i started creating distance from them and going back to therapy and al anon, and really started trying to pull my own shit together. i apologized for telling other people and said that I wouldn’t tell anyone again, and i didn’t. A’s sibling and i suggested that we go to family therapy so that we could have healthier relationships, A’s parents even offered to pay for it, but it never actually happened. things were kind of okay for the next few months. i wasn’t as close to either of them, but i was okay with that because I needed space and to be able to focus on myself. i talked about it a lot with a therapist, and i was essentially trying to maintain the friendships in a non codependent way. i honestly just kept to myself for a while and started taking a lot more alone time. forgot to mention, another reason they were mad at me was because I was going to move out on short notice (before i went to the hospital), but I also was going to find someone to fill the room to make the process less stressful for them, and i was vetting people to make sure they would be a good fit, and i wanted A and B to meet and approve of the person. i needed to get out of there as fast as possible, but i wanted to put effort into finding someone compatible with them. i already had a place to go lined up, but it fell through (the stress of trying to move also contributed to me going to the hospital and the situation i was going to go into seemed great at first but turned out to be a complete mess), and i also felt really guilty and horrible, so i ended up staying and trying to repair and maintain the relationships while also taking adequate alone time and upholding my boundaries. anyways, a few months pass, all i have been doing at this point is working on myself and going to work and coming home and chilling, there hasn’t really been much conflict besides the normal A being a passive aggressive asshole (which she always has been. looking back, i don’t even know how i was friends with someone like this) and B would still say disturbing things every once in a while, such as comparing me to past friendships that didn’t work out, and at one point she even flipped the narrative subtly to make it seem like i “had an outburst for no reason”. (when she is actually the person who had the outbursts towards me), and generally just blame shifting a lot in subtle ways, saying I was the one who “changed the dynamics of the house”, even though all I did was set boundaries and take time for myself, plus, the previous dynamic obviously was not working. but honestly i was just kind of ignoring it. at this point the dynamic has been A and B spending most of their time together, (they also have a codependent friendship) and me mostly keeping to myself, but hanging out occasionally and being cordial in the apartment. I was okay with that because I really just wanted alone time anyways, and I made it clear to them that I need time to work on myself, which i was doing a lot of, and B started therapy so I thought we were all just kind of working on ourselves at this point and trying to move forward. so one day, A and B go back to A’s home state together for a week, i was honestly a bit upset by this because we originally planned to all go together, we have all always gone together in the past, and honestly i thought things were chill now that everyone was in therapy, plus we had hung out on purpose occasionally. nope! once they got back, they told me I had to move out! i was extremely upset by this. honestly i was at my wits end with their bullshit, especially since A had continued to be an asshole to me even when i was still being kind and normal to her. honestly i am glad I had to move out, my life is going to get a lot better now that I don’t have them in it, but I was still just like. pissed because honestly my only objective this entire time has been to exist in my house and also I just felt like it was unfair especially considering the fact that they were the ones who were causing the issues, although I do recognize my part in them. i was codependent AF and trying to fix my friends, enabling horrible things to happen in my life to the point of going actually insane, i had extremely poor boundaries in the name of trying to be a good friend, and i should have left a long long time ago. but anyways, when they told me I had to move out, i basically said that I agreed and that I didn’t want to live with them anymore, i slammed my door and blocked them both on instagram, i also removed all of my personal belongings from the common areas. thankfully, my real friends were all there for me during this time and letting me crash on their couches. i didn’t really want to be in the apartment. within the next few days, i started getting harassed over text by their friends and unfollowed by people who were associated with them. they started going on a smear campaign against me! their friends started harassing me over text, saying “you need the mental hospital. stop pissing in glasses and stop speaking on trans people. seek the maximum amount of help possible” so basically, at this point, they’re basically telling people things that are blatantly untrue. i have never pissed in a glass before, in fact, i know B has pissed in cups in her room for her whole life (probably where she got the idea from) besides, pissing in cups isn’t a crime! also, at this point, i thought we had already talked out and worked through the me telling people about B’s BPD. so i messaged them and I was like. “can you guys please stop slandering me. this has been a traumatizing situation for all of us. honestly i would prefer for this to be as smooth as possible. i have not pissed in a glass and i have no idea what i even said about trans people that was offensive or hurtful” and they responded by saying “we have proof you were misgendering me and the shit we found out was before A’s relapse and before we had a fight”. so basically, while they were on vacation, they went LOOKING for things to use against me. A’s relapse was 8 months ago at this point, why are you digging stuff up from back then to use against me now?? i also have no idea when i misgendered her, and it was obviously a complete accident. i went through every message i sent in the past year that had anything to do with her and couldn’t find any misgendering. at this point, i did not inquire further because I was sick of having to defend myself to someone who is committed to misunderstanding me and also manipulating the situation to make me seem like a bad person. honestly, i don’t care much about the smear campaign, because most of those people i didn’t really like anyway, and the ones i did who believed them, i know now that they’re not my real friends. (even though it’s the same people saying that the way I was treated by A through her addiction was incredibly unfair to me, and asking why she is doing this to me. how dare I be actually affected?!) although the saying i’m transphobic thing is really frustrating, especially considering the fact that i literally invited you to come here SO THAT YOU COULD TRANSITION and the fact that I am also non binary. but also, how are you going to come into my home after I invited you to move in with me out of the kindness of my heart, start yelling at me and attacking me constantly and disrespecting my boundaries, kick me out of MY OWN HOUSE, and then smear my name, saying things that are blatantly untrue, to people i knew for years BEFORE YOU MOVED IN, who I INTRODUCED YOU TO ???? anyways, B went into my room while i was at work and took all of her artwork off my walls, which i don’t care about the artwork, but her going into my room made me really uncomfortable, so I installed a lock on my door until I could move out. B also ripped my mentor at the tattoo shop’s artwork off of the walls, stole it, and when i demanded it be returned it was returned to me vandalized. (she knows that my mentor wants the best for me and supports me in many areas of my life). so at this point, i’m being harassed and my items are being stolen. i had to get out of there asap, at this point it was a safety concern, it has honestly been a safety concern this entire time. so I ended up finding a place that’s the same amazing price and great quality in the area that’s still close to my jobs with people who are actually healthy and normal!!! and i moved out a month before I was supposed to because my mom and the rest of my support system agreed that it was not safe for me to stay another month, i didn’t tell them that I was moving early because I knew they would damage my things. It took me 2 days to move, and the night in between me moving, they stole my bike and put it out on the street. and A admitted that she did it out of spite because I moved early. so I stole some things back to get even and I also did not repaint or repair the room like I was supposed to, (i was going to originally before my bike was stolen) but I left her my deposit to cover the repainting etc. i also unfortunately dumped old protein shake on the floor out of pettiness and hatefulness. i am not normally like that but I was FUMING. that was definitely that angriest i have ever been in my life. i ended up paying the rent for the month I wasn’t there. But A still decided to message me on facebook, where I forgot to block her and send me an invoice with a bunch of “damages” to the apartment, demanding that I send her $1700 to get the entire floor replaced, new doors, etc. her numbers were ridiculous, it was a bunch of bullshit and I told her that i wasn’t paying it, to never contact me again, and blocked her. her parents pay her rent, it’s not about the money for her it’s about being a vindictive and entitled bully. plus, i really don’t owe her shit at this point. anyways, i have learned a lot of lessons from all this and am working on acknowledging my part in all of these issues and am going to start going to codependents anonymous to start rebuilding my life. obviously i have a lot to learn and work on within myself, and i was not perfect throughout this, even though my only intentions were to be there for my friends and exist in my own house. honestly i never want to see either of these people again! i hate them both so deeply for making my safe space unsafe, and for everything else they’ve done to me, including making my PTSD incredibly worse. and from now on I am going to leave friendships WHEN ITS TIME instead of dragging it out, and hopefully now I can choose better friends and have stronger boundaries, and in the future when tough situations arise i will be more equipped to respond in better ways. hopefully i never have to go through anything like this again!!

Trigger Warning This write-up does contain theories and info connected to politics, religion, divisive public figures, and a couple of Fortune 500 companies. I am in no way claiming or trying to promote any of the ideas or theories I share as facts and I encourage everyone reading to not just take every connection I made that you agree with and ignore the rest. I think it’s always good to paint a picture of your own instead of watching someone do it through a computer screen. It’s always good to do your research into whatever claims you think may have some validity and even those that don’t. Just because you don’t think something is significant doesn’t mean others won’t and you shouldn’t discourage anyone who is genuinely trying to move the sub in the right direction. We shouldn’t even engage the trolls because all it does is motivate them further and help them get more engagement on their posts.
I know my posts aren’t for everyone, but I encourage people to keep an open mind and to try to avoid any potential biases. Everyone has some, but as long as you stay aware, keep them minimal, and try to stay as neutral as possible you’re good. If you notice all of your material is painting a negative perception of a specific group it’s good to try to put yourself in others’ shoes. I’ll never know the experience of growing up in a dangerous environment, being hated and victimized based on things I can’t control, and the generational trauma all these things can cause which is still being passed down to this day.
While I do have hope for Gen Alpha, I’m afraid that by the time they reach adulthood, there may not be many good mentors and visionaries that have stemmed out of the adversity caused by the social policies that are currently causing such massive division between the younger and older populations. It doesn’t help we have people in Hollywood making Civil War propaganda movies with 100-million dollar budgets. I go into this a lot more throughout the next few posts I just need to compile everything and edit it together, which often takes more time than actually doing the research and writing the facts. I did download Grammarly so that should help speed things up. I know that finding connections and tying them together is a bitch at first, but the more research you do the more you’ll start seeing the bigger picture.
Intro to Free OSINT Tools: How to Find Clues and Determine What’s Bullshit Or Not As I’ve said before, you can use people’s info to find related information without doxxing someone’s address or social media account. Most people are already aware of this, but for aspiring Reddit detectives, this might be a good little introduction.
I’ve been working on another mega-post and decided to share this part before I finish up the rest because this part contains a great example of basic OSINT. All the info below is free on the Internet, but if you have some money to blow you can also pay for government-level background checks on people. Some of these data collection services can cost up to 300 a month, but some are very reasonable. The one site I linked has full background checks for five dollars a pop. Some services even scan onion sites for more related info. With the rise of AI, data collection is getting better and better. Now they can collect samples of your writing and analyze your speech patterns to tie them to other accounts. If someone were to take all my posts here and feed them into one of these programs, I’m sure if I had any type of social media or if they hacked one of my accounts and could collect my messages, it would be very easy to match my Reddit account to my real identity. This technology is probably in its infancy stages right now and what’s available to the public is probably only helpful for public figures or if you have a lot of info publicly available on social media. Regardless you should always be careful of how large of a footprint you leave online. You should assume that everything you do online is being collected and stored and may be used against you if someone has the money to access it.
A good example of the potential these programs have is in Drake’s diss track with the AI Snoop Dogg and Tupac verses. I go into Snoop a little more later on and I can’t help but feel like he’s compromised in some way. I found it odd that Snoop didn’t seem to care about his voice being used in a diss against a fellow LA rapper, but then again they are known to be associated with rival gangs. I assume Drake had to at least get some form of approval and I know he has ties to Canada. He even starred in a few episodes of Trailer Park Boys where the whole plot line revolves around him smuggling weed over the Canadian border back to the States.
Getting back on track here, I was honestly surprised by how well the program Drake used was able to mimic their voices and rapping style. I think this was Drake showing Kendrick that no matter how many songs he had, he could just feed them into the program and it could formulate a diss track that nearly perfectly resembles his cadence, flow, and rhythm on top of his voice in an authentic matter. I’ve heard recently of AI-generated Russian influencers that are made by either the Chinese or Russian governments, perhaps both, to create the image of a strong alliance between the two countries, and even some that promote marrying people from other countries. Some theorize this is to rebuild Russia’s male population since throughout history Russia and the USSR have a history of feeding their soldiers into the meat grinder for nationalistic purposes.
I think it’s very important that we take into consideration that the alleged dog video featuring Drake could be an AI deepfake and part of a coordinated takedown or a humiliation ritual. I know a few movie studios already have access to some of these programs and they claim they’re too dangerous to make publicly available. As we’ve seen though it’s only a matter of time before someone makes their own version and releases it for free. I think this is going to create a massive wave of synthetic and deepfake porn and I’m sure they could put Drake’s face over a porn actor and make it look pretty realistic. It reminds me of the episode of Black Mirror where the prime minister has to fuck a pig on live tv and they tried using a porn star and superimposing his face on him. Even Okproblem warned about the possibility of the dog video being AI-generated. It should be considered that this could all be a distraction from the current conflict between Israel and Palestine or any other geopolitical conflicts.
Many examples are demonstrative of the power of some of these data collection and surveillance networks. A great one is all the stuff Edward Snowden leaked about the NSA and other whistleblowers who were forced to move from one country to another where they couldn’t be extradited to the US and most like “commit suicide in their jail cells while on 24-hour suicide watch.” Other examples include John Mcafee, Julian Assange, and more recently the two Boeing whistleblowers who died mysteriously right after they testified against them. The government and some major businesses and corporations have access to these programs that are much more powerful than the public is aware of. Please keep these things in mind when posting. There are ways to circumvent most services that promise anonymity like VPNs and using Tor. Even if you use a VPN company that allows you to pay by cash and doesn’t require any type of connection to your identity. Even if you’re using tails and you’re on another person’s public or private network. Even if you know who is running all the nodes on Tor and you’re using one of those “extra security VPNs” where you know and trust whose IP is rerouting your shit. If you have a decent amount of info tied to your real identity they can probably find your ass real quick.
The only way to be completely immune to cyber threats is by never using a phone or computer your entire life. If it’s too late then you’d need to throw any electronic advice in an incinerator, buy an underground bunker that doubles as a giant Faraday cage, and live in it for the rest of your life. Even then you can still get tracked unless you’re changing your writing style completely as well as the types of spelling and punctuation errors you use. To do this you need to have a solid grasp of whatever language you speak, because one mistake repeated a certain amount of times may be able to connect your private and public online personas. I’ve noticed that trolls often like to string people along and constantly harass people with the hopes they defend themselves. I’m sure 99 percent are just idiots, but this would be a great way to collect a good sample of someone’s writing style to analyze.
The article linked below is an example of how some hackers are doing shit beyond what most of the population thinks is possible. If info like this was on Fox News or CNN there would be a mass exodus of Boomers from social media. (Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing!) https://www.rambus.com/blogs/bypassing-air-gapped-faraday-cages/
Just because these types of exploits exist doesn’t mean you’re going to be the victim of one. Unless you’re a political enemy or you pissed off a billionaire you’re probably fine. You may be thinking to yourself, “Isn’t Drake almost a billionaire?” The answer to that question is yes and yes he is capable of accessing tools like these and using them for whatever purpose he pleases. I have a strong feeling it’s being funded by Lucian Grainge and is part of his 400- million-dollar contract with UMG. Having someone with no morals, that much influence and an unlimited bankroll to take out your biggest opponents from other labels sounds like a pretty solid business strategy. It’s also classic gang/ government shit. In another section of the mega-thread I go into this a lot more and how labels are literally like a pyramid scheme and rap labels have the added component that the lower levels are forced to collaborate with mortal enemies or gang rivals. Even if their life is being threatened, they have to put on a facade and pretend things are all good. I go into this a lot too in my last mega post.
These newest posts were inspired by Thuglifevol3 and some other users like Commie90 who I think are spitting facts, but getting harassed or threatened. I’ve dealt with it in the past, but it appears the guy behind the accounts may have been banned so I’ve been chilling since then for the most part. I hope some of you will think this info is interesting or relevant. If not I hope you at least learn something about OSINT. I tried laying out my research and explaining it so others can hopefully use these tools to find information. The two links I posted below are good starting points. This is just the intro, but I should be done with the body and the bonus features tomorrow at the latest. I’m about 90 percent done with the actual post, and like 80 percent done with the bonus features, I just wanted to get this out first.
The Reddit post below has a lot of great recommendations for free and paid OSINT services and some of the freebies are solid like the one I mention later. A good way to test reliability is to search for your name and investigate yourself. It helps to determine what info is reliable and the common errors that are found in the data provided by some of the free or cheaper services. I don’t think it’s necessary to pay, but if you think it’s important and don’t mind dropping a couple of bucks it might be smart to see if you can get some background checks on important suspects. You just can’t share anything considered an invasion of privacy or slander or defamation so please just be very selective about how you use these reports. As I’ve said a trillion times we don’t want to fuck up an investigation. https://www.reddit.com/OSINT/comments/11fafpb/ what_is_the_actual_best_person_lookup_tool_read/ Drake vs. Mesha I just want to drop another disclaimer before I get started. This is probably the craziest, most unlikely connection I’ve found, but I thought if there is any weirdness going on it might be interesting to some of you guys. Even if you don’t believe my theory it could help uncover some of the hidden motivations behind the recent beef and where it’s led us today. There is probably a 99 percent chance my theory is false, but I still find all the info I found very strange. If it’s true though it could be connected to the ties between the Houston and LA rap scenes, the Ye beef, and the lawsuit against Young Money, maybe even the Diddy stuff.
If my theory about, “South Park Shawty,” is true it could also be an example of how Drake uses his connection to J. Prince and his “mob ties” to help him gain favor in the West Coast rap scene and to cover up for his bad behavior.
In 2017, a woman named Mesha Collins was accused of breaking into Drake’s LA home and drinking a bunch of his sodas and water. He decided not to press charges because he claimed she was mentally ill, but Mesha implied there was a lot more to the story and that she and Drake were previously connected in some way. https://www.newsweek.com/drake-responds-4-billion-lawsuit-woman-who- broke-his-home-1657250
I saw another article from around 2022 about Drake’s connection to Travis Scott and the Astroworld incident, which is interesting because there have been court cases filed against Drake and Travis for sending subliminal messages and brainwashing people with their lyrics. https://www.casemine.com/judgement/us/600a7e0f4653d01f3e04bb56
https://www.rollingstone.com/music/music-news/drake-astroworld-lawsuits-motion-to-dismiss-1234986332/
This one accuses Drake and Rihanna of using subliminals similar to the accusations made by Mesha Graham. https://www.casemine.com/judgement/us/5f8d1a714653d02a4358be19
Here is another ongoing lawsuit against Drake, OVO, and Lucian Grainge accusing them of copywrite infringement where he is using a pseudonym. Therefore it’s very possible that Mesha Collins may be a pseudonym as well. It also mentions The Dream who just got accused of SA. https://www.casemine.com/judgement/us/65d33a63cda6612875fbff10
https://www.nytimes.com/2024/06/04/arts/music/the-dream-rape-lawsuit-terius-gesteelde-diamant.html
I wonder if Mesha Collins may have been a victim of something similar. Another article mentioning her name accused him of leaving subliminals in his music and a few months later Drake responded with a restraining order. The article below is about a text she sent Drake’s lawyer saying that God would turn his back on Drake one day and telling the lawyer to kill himself. She ended up not showing up to the court proceedings and it was said that Drake was planning to pursue a permanent restraining order.
The only cases I could find that were publicly available involving Mesha was a defamation lawsuit and his restraining order lawsuit. There is also a brief mention of the legal proceedings after the alleged break in and another case in her home state from 2019. https://radaronline.com/p/drake-alleged-stalker-restraining-order-refusing-to- show-up/
This all started when I attempted to do some further research on Mesha, who in 2021 sued Drake for defamation and requested four billion dollars. I’ve mentioned it before, but it seems to kind of get overlooked because no one seems to think it’s worthwhile. It very well may be the case, but recently while working on the J. Prince stuff, I started trying to see if there was any connection between the industry and any other of Drake’s many controversies. It wasn’t the first “frivolous,” case she tried to open against him after she allegedly broke into his LA home and decided to get a drink and kick it in his room. She ended up getting arrested for trespassing and attempted robbery after a member of his crew found her chilling in his room wearing one of his hoodies and was accused of resisting arrest and spitting at the cops. On the other hand, Mesha swore up and down that she had permission to be there and that she and Drake knew each other to some extent. At the time she was 24 years old, and her address was listed as an apartment in South Carolina.
When I thought more about it this whole case I kept on finding more and more things that struck me as a little odd. The first question I had was, considering how much security Drake has and how they have stopped so many past intruders, how was Mesha able to slip by? From what I could find it seems like she may be the only “intruder,” to successfully get through the front door of Drake’s house. I find it funny that TMZ was the first to report on it considering they’re rumored to be bought and paid for by the Kardashian family and the break-in happened a couple of months after Ye accused Drake of trying to kill him. They lived down the street from each other around that time so I wonder if Ye had anything to do with it. (I got into this more in the 2nd part of my Kendrick and Ye industry takedown theory which should be done soonish, I’ve planned this quite meticulously and I want to finish up this post before pursuing any new subjects. https://www.rte.ie/entertainment/music/2017/0419/868631-fan-breaks-into-drakes-house-and-robs-a-soft-drink/
When I searched her name pretty much everything I could find about her on Google was related to Drake and the lawsuits. A couple made fun of the fact that all she took was a couple of drinks out of his fridge and many called her a deranged fan or a stalker. The only comments Drake made after the incident were trying to paint her as delusional and deny any connection to her before or after the incident. It’s very common for victims to be painted as crazy after they threaten to release some dirt on a celebrity as well as Drake’s history with women. https://www.newsweek.com/drake-responds-4-billion-lawsuit-woman-who-broke-his-home-1657250
Taking into consideration past allegations, accusations, and lawsuits, against him, I can’t help but feel like this was coordinated with the media. They often labeled her as crazy or a clout chaser when pretty much aside from Drake’s word and the trespassing allegations, the only supporting evidence was the large amount of money she was requesting in the lawsuit. The way I see it is there could have been more to it, but Drake and his lawyers either paid her off or used their influence and money to shut her up. In the end, after he had the case dismissed the media just made it seem like she was an obsessed fan and was doing this for his attention and for a chance to meet him.
Pretty much everyone forgot about the original incident for years until the news came out about the defamation suit she filed against him. Another article claims she had been caught trespassing at his property on six other occasions (6 God?). She was also accused of attacking and spitting on his fans as well as the cops who originally arrested her in 2017. Considering the defamation suit she filed accused him of doxxing her in a few lyrics and social media promotions and posts then only goes on to name one or two of them. There were some super random promotions Drake posted on his Instagram where one product had the name of the city and another had the name of her state in them. I was able to confirm this was true and considering she also said she was getting a ton of shit from his fans and her family was also being harassed, it could explain why she disappeared from the internet completely. Knowing Drake fans this seems pretty spot on. https://www.rap-up.com/2022/02/22/drake-alleged-stalker-files-restraining- orde
Drake then went on to file a restraining order against her a couple of months later around the end of 2022. The quote below includes the reason he claims to be filing the lawsuit. 'She has sent messages saying she wishes me dead, and that I should shoot myself and my son with a bullet,' Drake said in court docs. 'As a result of Ms. Collins' harassment and obsession with me, I have suffered and continue to suffer emotional distress and am concerned for my safety and that of my family.’ I wonder how often he receives death threats and doesn’t take it to court.
I also found it weird she included Adidon or who knows maybe she’s talking about another son. Didn’t Thuglifevol3 say in his post that Kendrick was right about the kid, but not the gender? They also claimed in the article below from 2022 that Mesha was homeless, which could explain why no one noticed when she seemingly vanished off the face of the earth not long after. https://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-10737229/Drake-granted-three- year-restraining-order-woman-says-stalking-years.html
https://allhiphop.com/news/drake-24-hour-security-multiple-stalking-attempts/
The details of the court cases weren’t too helpful because the original case was dismissed and the only info I could find without paying was the summary of the restraining orders that both of them filed against each other. I know I’ve said this before, but I find it quite odd that she filed a defamation lawsuit, but her lawyer never told her to stop harassing and threatening the guy. Of course, Mesha lost her case, but Drake won his in April of 2022 and he was granted a three-year restraining order. I’m not too knowledgeable about this stuff, but I wonder if this would prevent her from being able to file any further lawsuits. I guess we’ll see next April if nothing comes of it beforehand. https://unicourt.com/case/ca-la23-mesha-collins-vs-aubrey-drake- collins-731101
This article below has some methods people can use to prevent others from filing lawsuits against them if they consider it to be frivolous. I included a link as well as a description of SLAAP lawsuits and Anti-SLAPP motions. If anyone is a lawyer and can find out if these were filed that would be sick. It could also be relevant to any of the other 100 lawsuits filed against Drake. It kind of sounds like some Omertà shit to me. I also don’t know if this is possible, but I was wondering if Mesha Collins was her real name or if they used a pseudonym on the public court documents to protect her privacy.
“A SLAPP lawsuit (short for Strategic Lawsuit Against Public Participation) is a lawsuit filed to silence or intimidate an individual or an organization exercising their right to free speech. The objective of a SLAPP lawsuit isn't necessarily to win, but rather to burden the defendant with costly legal fees and stress. Usually, these SLAPP lawsuits are fired off by powerful businesses or individuals to silence critics or whistleblowers. An anti-SLAPP motion is a legal mechanism designed to protect businesses and individuals from these circumstances and can be a powerful tool for stopping frivolous lawsuits in their tracks.” https://www.lawmatics.com/blog/4-strategies-for-preventing-and-handling- frivolous-lawsuits/
I’ll post part two in a minute. Sorry if it’s a little clunky I haven’t had much time to edit and re-edit it due to its length. Also Reddit always fucks up the formatting when I copy it from Pages.

I '26f' have been with my boyfriend '28m' for 1 ½ years. We come from different backgrounds, but I admire that about our relationship. He is Serbian, born and raised in the US, but he speaks the language fluently and goes back all the time to visit family. I on the other hand, am middle eastern. Also born and raised in the US, but both parents are from Jordan.
Unfortunately I do not have a great relationship with my parents, as I don't practice Islam anymore. I feel like my whole life I struggled with self identity, espically because I lived in a very prominent white commuity growing up, and there were no other arabs. I got heavily bullied in grade school. People would shout things at me like "is your family a bunch of terrorists?" "Do you wear that weird head scarf?" "Are you gonna blow up the school bus?"
For the longest time I just started lying about my nationality, but people would figure it out because of my name.
Once I became an adult, I made the decision to leave Islam (there was a whole list of reasons why, but ultimately I'm just not a religious person), and I started dating.
I met my current boyfriend at this one running club I was in. I felt an instant connection with him. I was so happy when he asked me on a date. And our chemistry was phenomenal, we were so much alike and had a lot of the same values and life goals. We moved in with each other recently and so far that's been going well.
The only thing that I noticed from the start that bothered me, was I could tell he didn't care for my ethnicity. When I told him I am ex-muslim/arab, he reacted kind of shocked and taken back a bit. He told me growing up, he always had a really negative view against Arabs/Muslims, and his family (parents especially) always made comments towards them and very clearly did not like them. They even told him one time "don't you be bringing home an Arab girl"
He told me initially he wasn't sure how his parents would react bringing home a middle eastern girl, but that since I don't practice the religion anymore, it should be fine.
Now his parents don't live in the same state as us. In fact, they live across the US so he rarely sees them. I still haven't met his parents yet but I'm kind of dreading it based on some of the comments he's said about them really not like Arabs. But then he reassures me "but I know they will love you once they meet you, you're incredible and they will see that."
Now another big thing that has been really bothering me, is a confession my boyfriend told me while high one night. We were smoking weed one night and he blantly told me he has hesitations introducing me to his family because he wants the next girl to be "the one" and he fears that I will have an epiphany one day and decide I want to start practicing Islam again. He made it clear he does not want that, and if we ever had kids, he does not want me teaching them anything about that. I assured him I had no interest in going back to Islam, but he just kept saying "you never know. You might wake up one day and realized you made a big mistake. I just don't want that to happen if we were already married and everything. Plus you don't have a relationship with your parents. You might try to be religious again to gain them back in your life."
Now moving on to some other concerns, I just feel like he has no interest at all in my culture. Which is fine, he doesn't need to be. But I feel like he just has such a negative view that it is really starting to get to me. For example, the other day him and I were talking about traveling out of the country together. We've went to Costa Rica a couple months ago, but we want to see other places. We mentioned things like Italy, London, Greece. He's already been to so many countries throughout his life and he started mentioning others he wants to see like India, Vietnam, Phillipines. He said he wants to see and experience everything and be like a world traveler.
So I asked him "would you ever go to Jordan? I think it would be so cool." And he just made a face and said "probably not. I don't have an interest going to a place like that. These middle esstern countries arent safe at all" So I told him "but you said you want to experience everything. Wouldn't it be cool to see that?" He still said no and that those types of countries are dangerous and are too conservative for him. I just dropped the conversation and moved on.
What really has been on my mind the most lately, is he does this thing where he will be like "oooo look at you, my sexy latina" or he'll just name other regions that I could pass as (I look like I could be latina so he uses that one that most) The other day he said "you look very Indian too, I think those girls over there are stunning. You for sure could pass for one of them." I made a comment saying "well I guess you'll just have to like my middle eastern self" and he literally told me "I wouldn't consider you middle eastern. You don't even practice the religion anymore. To me you're just an American and thats all." And I looked at him confused and said "well ethnicity and religion are two separate things.."
I don't know guys.. I just feel like he wants to erase my heritage and who I am because of some bias he has in his head. Which sucks because as an adult, I finally feel confident in who I am and would love to learn more about my culture.
I also think maybe I am slightly over reacting and that this isn't a big deal. We are so compatible in so many other ways, and I really love him. He's my first serious boyfriend so I've never dealt with this before.
Any advice or thoughts on this?
Tldr: my boyfriend has hesitations introducing me to his family due to my ethnicity and fears of me going back to Islam. He also has made multiple comments to me that have show he does not care about my ethnicity and I feel like he's trying to erase who I am.

This might be a really long post, but I feel really alone and in need of advice. Thank you to anyone who takes the time to read.
My (22F) boyfriend (27M) and I have been together for around 9 months. We have been living together since December. When we met, I felt a very intense connection, and it wasn’t long (about a week) before we said “I love you.” Since the day we did, I haven’t gone a full day without seeing him. However, there have been some pretty rocky arguments throughout the duration of our relationship.
One of the first I can remember was barely even a month into knowing each other, where he asked to look through my phone. In the summer leading up to meeting him, I had been going to music festivals, taking trips with my friends, clubbing, drinking socially and smoking weed nearly every day. He already knew this about me since we had conversations leading up to making it official. I had already known that he is a “sober” individual, who is also on test and steroids for bodybuilding. He expressed that he is sober both due to nature of his work and for personal addiction concerns.
Upon going through my camera roll and seeing footage of me doing said activities, often in very little clothing, he got extremely angry, called me names (dirty, used, whore, trashy etc.) and said he was leaving. This upset me greatly, partly because he made me feel like shit for the things I had spent the last couple years of my life enjoying, and because I desperately didn’t want him to leave. He was adamant that we wouldn’t work out because of how trashy I was and that he didn’t want “used goods.” I just cried and pleaded with him, but he was firm in leaving.
(Not long after moving in together, he went through my camera roll again and made me delete every photo from the last 2 years.)
As I started to accept the fact that I was going to lose him, and he got up to leave my apartment, he said “oh okay so you’re just going to let me leave?” Which at the time made me feel even worse because I thought ‘wow how shitty of me to just let him walk out the door’, but historically, when someone tells me that they’re leaving, they leave. But I begged for him to stay and apologized for my promiscuous behavior and vowed to become sober.
A few weeks later, after a very similar argument about the same topics, he yelled at me to leave his place, so I did. I was so angry and upset that I went home sobbing to my roommate, also one of my closest friends at the time, and lit up a joint to numb the pain. I left my phone in the other room while I lamented to my roommate about how he made me feel. She is one of the kindest people I have ever met, and gave me a shoulder to cry on, and really good advice. After a while of talking, I figured it was best for me to stop talking to him, so I went back to my room to call him and cut ties.
I called him and was honest about being high. He berated me per usual and compared it to cheating on him. Said he was ready to give me the world but I threw it all away just to get high. After nearly an hour of me sobbing and him telling me how awful I was, he asked me to come over. I did, and after a while we made up.
For the next couple months, he would regularly guilt trip me about my past, call me trashy and stupid, things of that nature. When he asked me about my body count, I gave him the single digit number. When I asked him about his, he said he lost count. When he asked me if I’ve had a threesome, I told him I’ve only had one, and he said he was disgusted with me and could “never see a future with a whore.”
All the while, my roommate and I had grown distant, and she expressed to me that she wanted to move out after I said I was looking to move in with him. I don’t know what possessed me, or how he convinced me, but after my roommate said she wanted to leave our apartment, I went behind her back and applied with my bf to live there when she left. When she found out, she was livid, which is entirely justified. What I did was the shittiest thing I’ve ever done, and at the time, I only felt a little uneasy about it, mostly because my bf convinced me it was okay, but every month that’s passed since December, I’ve felt worse and worse about how I treated her. I need to reach out and apologize profusely, which won’t fix anything, but it’s the least she deserves.
After moving in together, we had a couple big fights. One resulted in him saying he was leaving, staging like he left for the night to stay at a coworkers place. I completely broke down and smashed my phone into pieces like a child. I was sobbing so hard I threw up. Since he couldn’t text or call me, he came back to the apartment and said “of course I’m not actually leaving are you stupid?” After about a whole day of saying he texted our landlord and his parents were flying him back home.
Another night, I stayed up completing a certificate for work and gaming til about 2am, and when I came to bed our door was locked, so I called him to wake him up and he was furious. I ended up hanging up the call after he didn’t let me in, and he immediately ripped open the door, grabbed my shirt and screamed in my face “DID YOU JUST HANG UP ON ME!?”
Later that night after cooling down, I told him that was triggering because of my history of physical abuse. He said it was triggering that I hung up on him.
Not long after that one, we woke up in a bad mood. I wanted to sleep in some more but he was adamant that I get up, as he always is. At this point, whenever he gets upset about something I’ve been really agreeable and submissive because I’m sick and tired of the being lectured, the name calling and feeling like shit, but this time I snapped and yelled. Mainly because I had just woken up and didn’t have the wherewithal to control my irritation. This resulted in him demanding that I sleep in the guest bedroom, ripping all my clothes out of the closet (breaking most of my hangers) and throwing a full hamper that hit me in the head.
Honestly after writing all this down, I’m kicking myself for not leaving him sooner. But he’s much smarter than me, has helped me grow in certain ways, and it’s not bad all the time. We goof around and game together. He’s really helpful with budgeting and keeping our apartment clean. Just when it’s bad, it’s really bad.
I’ve tried talking to him about these issues. As I said before, he’s much smarter than I am, and has a particular way of talking to me that leaves me stumped for an answer. He works with behavioral issues for a living and speaks to me like I’m a client, which angers me more than anything.
But to the point of the title now
Along with all of this, we’ve been together for almost a year and he hasn’t met my family. I have a small and broken family, but the woman who raised me is my everything and she’s been dying to meet the man I’m with, but he always dodges the question of meeting her. I asked him if he was uncomfortable with it, but he says he’s just busy.
I met his entire family over Christmas, and they were so lovely and accommodating, they even flew me out which was way more than I could’ve asked for. I feel guilty that I even want to leave because of how kind his family was and how much they spent on me.
He’s told me before that he resents me for having a broken family that can’t provide us anything like his can.
I asked him last week if he remembers my middle name. He did not.
I knew his middle name the first week of meeting him.
I know a lot about him, the sports he played growing up, family dynamics, core memories that make him happy, the fears that keep him up at night, childhood events, dreams and goals he sets, things that he’s told me and things I’ve picked up on.
I know they might seem trivial, and I might just be overreacting, but it seems the only things he cares to remember about me are the things he hates.
I’ve also quizzed him nearly every month to see if he remembers when my birthday is. He never knows.
His birthday is my phone passcode.
All in all, I’ve stopped doing everything I enjoy, cut off all of my friends, I’ve cried every day these past 2 weeks, but I feel like I’m in too deep to quit. We share a bedroom and a lease, I don’t have anyone to reach out to because I left all my friends for this man.
I miss my friends, I owe them all huge apologies. I miss going outside and having alone time. I feel hopeless. I’m scared to talk to him.
Edit because I forgot to add: My birthday is on the 21st and I’m pretty sure he won’t remember. I don’t really care about my birthday all that much, but on top of everything it would be a big slap in the face if he didn’t remember. There’s a part of me that wants to just run away for the weekend if he does, leave my phone and disappear.
I probably won’t do that. I know I’m probably just using the birthday thing as an excuse.
Thank you again to whoever actually reads this, I really needed to let it out.

I don't care if people know who I am, I am using a throwaway account that google named for me and I have no way of changing lol but people who know me will easily recognize me so it's whatever, I talk about this IRL openly.
I feel like telling my story and sharing it with people so here goes.
I want to make it clear that I am not looking for help or advice because I firmly believe that unless someone knows me personally and knows my life and situation better they can not offer any kind of advice that applies to me. Experience has taught me as much and that's ok.
I'm an Eastern European Slavic 40 year old bisexual legally blind guy, tho my biseuxality isn't something I consider a big deal, it's not your typical bisexuality anyway and getting into it now will make all this confusing. Suffice to say I lean more towards women. Me being legally blind (meaning my vision is so bad I can't drive/have difficulty getting around outside) doesn't bother me personally one bit, it bothers others. On top of that I have prosopagnosia, face blindness and am a bit on the spectrum.
ALL this sounds worse than it actually is :)
I consider myself a very happy person and have never wanted for anything in life, I was rasied by the best famiily imaginable and had the best childhood a boy could ask for. From video games to toys, pets and unconditional love from my family I had and have it all. I don't do drugs, not even weed, I don't smoke or drink, my head is clear and I am of sound mind at all times pretty much.
Early on in life I developed a strange fetish that I won't get into and the fetish wasn't developed due to abuse or anything it just happened and even now I still have it, it isn't sexual or anything just weird, but it can be easily misunderstood to be something bad when it isn't. Of course having a family I can fully confide in I shared my issue with them and found understanding for it, but I did that a little too late in 2008. Talked to a therapist or two about it and overall it has been determined that it's nothing "evil" just uniquely strange. It did not affect the single relationship I had in my life, girl knew about it, didn't mind/care but showed compassion and understanding. I've shared it with my now ex best friend, she was beyond accepting and understanding, one of my current best friends tho he doesn't know im bi but has full understanding about it and I am CONSIDERING sharing it with another one of my friends who knows im bi but doesn't know about it...tho since the thing doesn't affect my life in any way it's whatever nowadays, it was more prevalent when I was younger.
My entire life I've wanted for nothing, I grew up surrounded by loved ones whom I loved endlessly and showed eternal gratitude towards. To say that my life hasn't been hard at times such as having issues with studying or being bullied at school would be a lie, but even in those times I was happy in general. I had a friend or two and a loving family at my back and so many things I loved doing and enjoying that whatever issues I had became trivial most of the time.
Of course due to my bisexuality and strange fetish which I wouldn't disclose to my family until 2008 I avoided normal social situations growing up so it doesn't come out or be noticed. I acted like the class clown and acted immature to avoid girls wanting to date me because I genuinely believed I couldn't have sex. I had to come to terms that I will probably never have a family of my own or a wife which always pained me and terrified me, after all I am used to being surrounded by loved ones.
As the years went on I was working on myself and my career, at 34, had a very passionate relationship with a wonderful lady but it ended poorly due to her having some serious issues I did not want to deal with further in life, such as severe BPD and a gambling addiction. She was a great person outside of that and in spite of her BPD treated me wonderfully until the night we broke up. I have nothing but fond memories of this relationship and am grateful I met her and experienced this.
In spite of my severe visual impairment I managed to build myself a decent career as an artist and make enough to sustain myself and have a modest life. I take great joy in the things I love in life but never forget the things that make me sad. At my lowest I am fully aware of the things I adore in life and the things that make me happy and at my happiest I am fully aware of the things that hurt deeply and do not deny them.
Over the years people have been openly disgusted and afraid of me, they've openly considered me special needs and have told me that my poor eyesight is very obvious. During a theater trip in college I didn't know the part of town we were in and a girl literally moved away from me in disgust because as she said, she was weirded out that I can't find my way around the city I live in. Of course I am not the type to bow his head down and take bs from people so I let her have it in as strict, direct and forward way as possible without resorting to yelling and insults and that put her in her place.
But that's one moment that ended up scarring me for life. The older I'd get the more I'd find myself in situations where people and women would be genuinely afraid of me due to my disabilities and issues or just think of me as a weirdo they want nothing to do with.
Growing up many of the neighborhood kids and their parents thought I was mentally challenged and to this day people who have long moved away have been known to refer to me as such when someone mentions me and not in a favorable way mind you.
2016-2019 I had a very abusive friend who at the same time was an incredible person I could fully confide in and she ended up insulting me about my poor eyesight and what not. None of it was on me and I discussed it with a therapist at great length and we determined it was all on her as she treated her bf the same way if not worse. Even so, her emotional abuse left a deep scar in me. She tried to make up in 2022 just to be even more abusive (she will probably come across this, so she should know I don't hate her, we just can't work as friends but I will forever miss the great aspects of her personality and I will forever be grateful for accepting all my weird shit, I know for a fact she'd recognize who I am if she reads this and she will most likely find it at some point). To this day I have dreams about this person and how she is changed, mellowed down and we become friends for life and she doesn't abuse me anymore...but that's never going to happen. I can't hate her or the girl I dated, both of these people mean the world to me.
I do hate a certain other idiot former friend I had they both also know "professionally" btw :) But that's a different and irrelevant story so meh.
ANYWAY back on topic.
The older I get the less women want to have to deal with a man who isn't as capable, rich, reliable in terms of driving, getting to places quickly and so on. My face blindness weirds people out big time so I can't just go hang out at a bar, see a girl and memorize her face and then chat her up the next day, a small change in hairstyle or clothing renders a brand new face in my head or a familiar face if somebody else looks like her. Face blidness combined with poor eyesight is no joke, it destorys you socially. Having difficulties getting around town and being unable to drive is also a big dealbreaker for women.
Basically nobody wants a disabled guy with little money and no means to be a proper MAN, as my "abusive" friend put it, I can't protect a woman, I can't go to her job and deal with a problem situation if there is one, I have no connections, no means to handle a problematic situation, I can't drive, you can see I have eyesight issues form miles away and my thick glasses alone are enough to put any woman away initially.
That's not to say that I'm not a good person with a great personality, she said, but that I am a person who initially puts people away and this is very very true the older I get.
Women in the age range of 30-40 don't want to deal with this stuff, they need fully developed, normal men in their lives. Not a guy with disabilities who is also sexually not quite conventional and physically not as capable as other men.
I have no way of meeting people at this point in life and given my situation I don't want to meet someone through a friend and make shit awkward for everyone because I am fully open and don't want to hide anything from those close to me.
I know at least 4 people who are going to read this and instant recognize me and that's ok :) I don't care/mind I just felt like sharing since the forum I'd normally share this on where I talked about it openly banned me for not being "woke" enough
now I might as well sign my full name XD

It’s men’s mental health month and I (24M) am feeling the most depressed I’ve ever felt.
I’d never do anything to harm myself, I just feel like shit every day and it’s because of my relationship. I’d like to add that this is my first relationship, 1.5years.
I won’t go into detail as I know this will cause conflict below. Everyone has different opinions, I just cannot change the way that this has and still makes me feel.
But basically I found out some stuff about my girlfriend’s past around 7 months into the relationship that hit me deep. It had to do with a time when we were in our “dating” phase (ie. not official).
I told myself I’d end things there and then, but I didn’t, I brushed it under the rug because things were going well and we were both having the time of our lives.
I spoke to nobody and only brought it up with her a couple months later asking for clarity. The full story only made things worse. She recommended I go for therapy, to which I agreed, but have not gone. I’ve dealt with everything by myself my entire life.
Eventually I convinced myself that I need to move past what had happened, which sort of worked for a few months. This was until two months ago, when I decided enough is enough. I needed to go with my gut and break up with her.
She begged, she cried, she told me she’s changed, she told me her whole world was ending, and I caved. I couldn’t break up with her.
I know how much I mean to her, I know that she is an amazing person, I care for her and love her. But I am not in love with her. Something switched in my brain when I had found out about what had happened. I never looked at her the same. I couldn’t break her heart, and convinced myself once again that I could move past it.
Fast forward to now, all the feelings have come back. It’s the first thing I think of when I wake up, it’s the last thing I think of when I go to bed
I’ve struggled a lot falling asleep ever since I found out, and have been through some phases where I was relying on weed to numb me, which has totally impacted my studies (I’m clean now but damn I’d love a smoke, which I won’t do because I’m in the middle of the most important exams of my life)
I feel like I don’t respect myself, or my feelings. There is so much anger and resentment built up inside of me. So many hurtful words I could’ve said when I found out, that I can’t say now because this literally happened 2 years ago.
I’m in great shape, I have 1 out of 2 Uni degrees behind me, everyone thinks I’m happy and I’ve secured my first job for next year when my studies are done. But when I look at myself in the mirror I dont care about any of it. All I want to do is smash my head in.
I know I need to grow some balls and end things, because she doesn’t deserve to be with someone that doesn’t love her.
How do I stop avoiding this, I’m so tired of being depressed. I’ve always been “the nice guy”, and breaking this girls heart makes me feel sick.

I love ants, ants are awesome. They are so darn intelligent and innovative, I personally like to think of them as how humans would be like if we were wayyy smaller and were eusocial but that's beside the point. As I had nothing better to do in the afternoon, I spent an hour compiling some stuff about some of my favorite species. Please comment about your favorite species of ant and tell me about them as well!! :)
Enjoy! 🐜
Mirror turtle ant: mimics the appearace and behaviour of Crematogaster ampla ants to steal their food and is able to follow pheromone trails laid out by crematogaster ampla ants and follow it to its host's food source. They follow hostile Crematogaster ampla ants to food sites and then start trying to act like them. Mirror turtle ants don’t smell anything like crematogaster ampla, so if they come within sniffing range, they’ll be swarmed and dismembered. They have to move like the enemy and walk like the enemy, all while not getting too close to them, even though they’re in the midst of the enemy and stealing their food. Mirror turtle ants are the first species of ant documented to use visual mimicry to parasitize another ant species. The workers foraging behind enemy lines raise their rear ends up in the air and mimic the walking speed and even the stilt-like posture of Crematogaster ampla. And they do it all so they don’t have to search for food themselves.
Matabele ants: Are at war with fungus farming termites who the ants frequently raid for their fungus and to eat the termites themselves. The termites often amputate the ants in combat but while the ants arent particularly powerful against the fungus farming termites but they have a secret technique at their disposal. They carry their wounded soldiers back to their nest where they are treated by the workers who nurse their wounds and disinfect and clean their wounds using antimicrobial saliva and once the soldiers are healed they can partake in battle again. But the rescuing ants have a threshold for how grieviously injured a soldier must be before they are rescued. Of the soldier has lost one or two legs, they may be rescued and taken back to be healed but if they are injured too badly, the resuers will not rescue them or waste resourses and effort trying to nurse them back to health and these soldiers that are hurt too badly are left to die.
Honeypot ant: honeypot ant species possess the unique ability to store food for rainy seasons in their bellies. Individual worker ants, called repletes, are engorged to enormous belly size by being force fed, sometimes to the point of being unable to move. Honeypot ants usually feed on flowers for their nectar but can also be seen attacking insects. When the liquid stored inside a honeypot ant is needed, the worker ants stroke the antennae of the honeypot ant, causing the honeypot ant to regurgitate the stored liquid from its crop. Replites are practically living refrigerators and are packed with so many nutrients that many other insect species, are keen on hunting them down and even raiding the honeypot ant colony for a sweet treat.
Leafcutter ant: These gardener ants cut out fresh leaves with their sharp mandibles, which they later bring to their nests to feed a particular type of bacteria that lives in symbiosis with the ants. That means that both organisms have become so co-dependent that they cannot survive on their own – the insects supply their guests with fresh nutrients in the form of leaves, while the fungi grow to later on become a reliable food source for the ants.
Tawny crazy ant: These ants are at a war with fire ants. Fire ants have an extremely potent poison that kills most other ants, but tawny crazy ants have a secret defense. When they’re hit with fire ant poison, they quickly coat themselves in their own poison, which neutralizes the fire ants’ primary weapon with a 98 percent survival rate.
Fire ants: These ants exhibit a wide variety of behaviours, such as building rafts when they sense that water levels are rising. They also show necrophoric behaviour, where nestmates discard scraps or dead ants on refuse piles outside the nest. Their venom is highly toxic and sometimes even lethal to other insects including other ants and are at a constant war with tawny crazy ants. They also have the ability to build rafts in times of floods or when the colony is forced to cross a body of water, the ants will link their bodies together to form a floating raft. The ants on the bottom of the raft grip onto each other with their mandibles, while the ants on the top of the raft link their legs together to create a protective barrier. The raft can be several layers thick and can consist of thousands of individual ants. The ants on the bottom of the raft are able to breathe by trapping air bubbles between their bodies, while the ants on the top of the raft protect the colony from predators and help to steer the raft towards shore.
Army ants: While army ants do not build permanent nests, they do construct temporary nests out of their own bodies. These "bivouacs" are formed by the ants gripping onto each other's legs and mandibles, creating a protective structure that can be used for resting or caring for the young. Army ants also are nomadic, meaning that they do not have a permanent home. Instead, they move through the forest in search of prey and temporary shelter, and are constantly on the move. Army ants live in large colonies that can consist of millions of individual ants. One of the most interesting behaviors of army ants is their ability to build rafts. When the colony is forced to cross a body of water, such as a river or a stream, the ants will link their bodies together to form a floating raft. The ants on the bottom of the raft grip onto each other with their mandibles, while the ants on the top of the raft link their legs together to create a protective barrier. The raft can be several layers thick and can consist of thousands of individual ants. The ants on the bottom of the raft are able to breathe by trapping air bubbles between their bodies, while the ants on the top of the raft protect the colony from predators and help to steer the raft towards shore.
Slavemaker (Polyergus) ants: these ants raid colonies of formica fusca or silky ants, capture their pupae and, subsequently carry them to their own nests to raise them as slaves. However, the enslaved ants are forced to work seemingly endless shifts for another colony instead of working seemingly endless shifts for their own brethren.
Acacia ants: Acacia ants act as bodyguards for acacia trees, defending them not only from weeds, but also from animals, in exchange for accomodation and food – Acacia trees and acacia ants have a unique mutualistic relationship, in which the ants provide protection for the tree and in turn, the tree provides the ants with shelter and food. One way that acacia trees can manipulate the behavior of the ants is by blocking the production of invertase, an enzyme that is essential for the ants to be able to digest sugars. The acacia tree they live on produces a chemical compound which blocks invertase production. The ants that feed on the acacia tree's sap once stop producing invertase, which is necessary for breaking down sucrose into glucose and fructose found in practically other food source, and instead rely on the tree to produce "special nectar" that contains more easily digestible sugars. By manipulating the behavior of the ants in this way, the acacia tree ensures that the ants remain dependent on the tree for their food and shelter.
Dinosaur ants: Instead of a queen these ants have an alpha female and moreover unlike a typical ant colony all the ants in the colony have the ability to reproduce. She’s surrounded by up to five beta females, who do nothing but sit around all day long. These betas are next in line if something should happen to the alpha.Sometimes a beta gets tired of waiting and decides to start laying eggs of her own. If the alpha female detects that her position is being challenged, she wipes chemicals from her stinger onto the would-be usurper. At that point, the workers will run out to punish the offending ant. They will pin the overreaching beta to the ground, sometimes for up to four days. After justice has been meted out, the beta also loses her rank and is just a lowly worker from then on, either that or she’s dead from not eating for four days.
Cardiocondyla Obscurior: Unlike most male ants who possess wings and their only purpose being to mate with a female virgin queen ant after which they die, in cardiocondyla Obscurior ants, there is only one Cardiocondyla obscurior male per colony. He’s the dominant male ant, and he must defend his territory. If a new male wonders in for some mating, the reigning ergatoid will dab chemicals from his anus onto the intruder. This secretion will cause all of the workers to band together and kill the newcomer. Cardiocondyla obscurior males have a “kill” scent. That’s not all that they’ll do. In an effort to further reduce any possible rivalry, the ergatoid combs the nurseries looking for newborn males to slaughter. The soft one-day-olds are easy to kill. However, if they find a two-day-old male whose armor has hardened, it becomes a pitched battle with a 14 percent chance that the young ant wins and a 43 percent chance that they will both die. This is mostly because they’re both rubbing their kill scents on each other, encouraging the workers to swarm in a killing frenzy. Many times, the workers end up slaying them both, but it’s okay if they both die. New male are always being born, and the dead ones are fed to the larvae.
Solenopsis fugax: Solenopsis fugax is a thief ant, meaning that it steals from other ant colonies. However, Solenopsis fugax steals the larvae of other ants. Slave-maker ants do the same thing, but Solenopsis fugax doesn’t need slaves; they’re hungry. They eat the babies of other ants. They also tend to aphids, so they’re farmers who also eat babies on the side. While most slave ants charge in recklessly and try and overwhelm a colony, S. fugax ants tunnel in. Once they find the brood chamber, they discharge pheromones that repel the other ants. It’s the ant equivalent of tear gas. They tunnel in, spray the place down to make all the adult ants run, and then they abscond with the brood, which will be eaten alive. The poison from a single Solenopsis fugax ant is enough to keep workers from 18 different species away for up to an hour.
Green ants: These ants live high up in the tree tops. Their unique ability is to build homes out of tree leaves. The first phase in nest construction involves workers surveying potential nesting leaves by pulling on the edges with their mandibles. When a few ants have successfully bent a leaf onto itself or drawn its edge toward another, other workers nearby join the effort. When the span between two leaves is beyond the reach of a single ant, workers form chains with their bodies by grasping one another's waist. Multiple intricate chains working in unison are often used to ratchet together large leaves during nest construction. Once the edges of the leaves are drawn together, other workers retrieve larvar from existing nests using their mandibles. Upon reaching a seam to be joined, these workers tap the head of the clutched larvae, which causes them to excrete silk. The workers then maneuver between the leaves in a highly coordinated fashion to bind them together and the larvae's silk is used to glue the held leaves together in place. They can only produce so much silk, so the larva will have to pupate without a cocoon. Green ants also 'milk' scale insects in or close to the nests for their honeydew. Although weaver ants lack a functional sting they can inflict painful bites and often spray formic acid directly at the bite wound resulting in intense pain.
Trapjaw ants: Trap-jaw ants have powerful mandibles that snap closed at extremely high speeds and accelerations. They use these mandibles to capture or stun prey and to fight with other ants. These remarkable mandibles have attracted the attention of biologists and naturalists for well over a century. The term “trap-jaw” refers to mandibles that have a spring-loaded catch mechanism which allows the ants to store up energy in advance of strike and to release the mandibles rapidly. “Trigger hairs” on the face of each mandible connect to neurons that control the latches and release the mandibles. The ants can use these trigger hairs to fire the mandibles the moment they touch the surface of another object. Some trap-jaw ants have another trick – they can jump with their mandibles by snapping their mandibles against the ground, they can jump into the air, often traveling over 20 times their body length. the ants carefully align their heads and bodies before striking the ground and jumping into the air. Ants also use this chaotic jumping behavior to mob and frighten predators. For example, it is startling when a large number of ants start popping like popcorn into the air. Plus, they often land on the intruder and can sting prety hard, making the combination of jumping and stinging a good predator deterrent.
Bulldog ants: Apart from their ability to jump at great heights, their eyesight is one of the most powerful in the ant kingdom due to their oversized eyeballs. To give you an idea of just how sharp their sight can be, bulldog ants can discern minute objects at a distance of more than 25 times their length. With exceptionally aggressive behaviour, the bulldog ant is prone to causing painful and, sometimes fatal, bites.
Bullet ants: Bullet ants are infamous for their very powerful sting. It's so awful that its comparable to being shot with a bullet, hence the name.
Hodor ants: These ants live in abandoned tunnels of wood-boring beetles and, to keep themselves safe from the external environment, the large workers use their disk-shaped heads as living doors to seal off the entrance to their colonies.
Diving ants: This species of ant do is dip into the digestive fluids of the carnivorous pitcher plant called the pitcher plant. There, it looks for arthropods that have fallen prey to the plant’s cunning trap and fishes them out to enjoy a fresh meal.
Allomerus decemarticulatus: These ants use a particular kind of fungus that they grow themselves – it’s never present in stems that weren’t touched by these ants. As well as being a cultivated food source for the ants, the Allomerus decemarticulatus uses this fungus to make traps called "ant gardens" that lure small insects to them. When the unsuspecting insect lands on a stem full of those trap holes, the predator insects swoop in and catch it with their mandibles. Then, they slowly drag the captive to a leaf pouch, where they tear their prey apart.
Camponotus leonardi: These ants possess the fatal ability to make their abdomens explode. They are filled with a toxic liquid that chases off predators, but their combustion comes at a steep price. A final act of defence – one of the most devoted ways to protect the colony in the face of insurmountable odds. They are also the host to the ophiocordyceps unilateralis fungus.
Dracula ants: The workers of these species of ant are blind. The primary source of food for these species is the blood of their own larvae. That’s right – this species practices non-destructive cannibalism, i.e. the ability to munch on someone without killing them in the process and extracting carefully controlled amounts of blood to avoid harming the larvae. They also possess powerful jaws, paralysing stings.
Giant gliding ants: Giant gliding ants are a group of ants that are able to glide through the air to travel between trees or escape predators. These ants have flattened bodies and long legs that are adapted for gliding. When they jump or fall from a high point, they are able to control their descent by spreading out their legs and using them as wings to steer themselves towards their desired destination.
Pheidole oxyops: Pheidole oxyops ants construct feather pitfall traps to capture prey, such as other insects and spiders, that are too large to be handled by individual ants. The feather pitfall trap is constructed by a team of worker ants, who first identify a suitable location to build the trap. They then gather feathers and other small debris, such as twigs and bits of grass, and arrange them in a circular pattern on the ground. The feathers are arranged in a way that creates a funnel-shaped depression in the center of the trap. When a prey item walks onto the feathers, it begins to sink into the depression. The feathers on the sides of the depression are angled inward, making it difficult for the prey to climb back out. As the prey struggles, it sinks deeper into the trap, eventually becoming trapped at the bottom. The Pheidole oxyops ants are able to detect the struggling prey from a distance, and quickly converge on the trap to retrieve the captured prey. The trap is then rebuilt, ready for the next prey item to fall victim.
Formica archboldi: This species of ant is known for its unique behavior of collecting the skulls of another species of ant called Odontomachus bauri that it often raids the colonies of and feeds on the workers of. Formica archboldi collects the skulls for their chemical properties. The skulls contain glandular secretions that may have antimicrobial properties. By collecting the skulls, Formica archboldi may be able to use these secretions to protect their nest from harmful bacteria or fungi and because the skulls simply because they are a valuable resource. The skulls of Odontomachus ants are hard and durable, and could be used as building material for the nest or as a platform for the ants to stand on and can serve as an intimidation tactic to ward of would be predators.

My hands are trembling to the point where I've had to restart this several times. I'm a guy who doesn't scare easily, but this encounter has me shaking like a hit dog. I'm still sitting in my work truck, trying to work up the courage to step outside again. Worse, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to tell my boss what happened. I was already on thin ice with him, and this shit might cause me to break through to the freezing water below.
But fuck it, because this was weird.
I install cable for a living. I didn't have dreams of stringing cable when I was a little kid, but my previous life choices left me with few options. In high school, I fell in with the wrong crowd. It started with skipping school, sneaking alcohol at weekend parties, and some petty theft, but it didn't stay that way for long. Soon, I dropped out and dedicated my life to committing robberies to pay for my pill addiction. I wasn't living as much as I was running on a treadmill. I did whatever I could to stay on my feet but constantly felt myself slipping.
My bottom came when I was jumped by two guys who sold me pills. I had bought from them before and trusted them, but the feeling was not mutual. Someone had dimed a buddy of theirs out to the police, and he was looking at real jail time. They assumed it was me and beat me senseless.
I was greeted at the door with a punch to the jaw that sent me reeling. My brain, already addled and slowed by Oxi, was in the middle of putting together what was happening when the next punch caught me in the temple. I collapsed to the ground and covered my neck and face as best as I could. The next few minutes were a flurry of punches, kicks, and stomps. When it was all over, I had a broken jaw, a shattered wrist, several wounds that required fifty total stitches, and a concussion.
That's how I kicked my painkiller addiction.
I can joke now, but the next six months were the hardest in my life. The withdrawals I had were the worst thing I've ever experienced. Having them while I was recuperating from my injuries was a circle of hell I didn't think existed. I wanted to die most days and felt lost in the darkness. But sobriety was the beacon on the horizon. Even during my darkest moments, I could still see the fuzzy spark of white light off in the distance. It kept me going. Six months from my beat-down day, I came out the other side healthier but weaker.
I needed a job but had limited skills. Thankfully, I had a former pill buddy who managed to keep steady employment with the cable company. We always got along, and he called in a few favors and hooked me up. I got hired, but it was a struggle. Not the work, which was easy to learn, but dealing with the public without telling them to fuck off. Worse, was trying to avoid the flood of illegal substances that are around you at all times. Customers will offer you weed or pills for all the channels, or bored co-workers will have something to "make the day pass by." It's a lot to dodge, especially if you're in recovery. Whenever I felt the itch again, I'd feel the scar tissue from my wrist surgery, and the itch would pass.
The last week has been one of those "Shit, is it Friday yet?" weeks that seem to be growing in frequency these days. I don't want to bore you with the details, but needless to say, most nights, I needed to reach out to my sponsor and have them talk me off the ledge. We recently had a turnover at the executive level, and my new boss Rory was a tremendous cock. A rager at levels science hasn't ever seen before. Just the worst dude imaginable.
Part of Rory's new crusade was coming in and firing a bunch of guys. The company called it "checking for redundancies in the labor force," but we all knew what it was. He was picking off two classes of people: high earners and guys with spotty pasts. I was in the latter group and imagined it was just a matter of time before my number got pulled. I was on pins and needles all week. I made sure I was the greatest cable installer you'd ever meet. So far, I was getting high marks but the forced joviality was wearing thin.
It's safe to say my joy had left on a one-way ticket. I have no clue when—or if—she'd return.
Back to this shit. I had just finished up my last job of the day when my work phone started buzzing. I cursed and thought about not answering, but the threat of unemployment loomed too large for me to do that. I picked up and knew from the jump my day was far from over. Denise from dispatch asked if I could cover a job left hanging because of "scheduling conflicts" (see: the original installer had been let go). It was near where I was and was a simple install.
I gritted my teeth and agreed. I liked Denise and knew she was worried about the hammer falling on her, too. She thanked me profusely, and promised to bring me cookies tomorrow. Since she's a hellcat in the kitchen and getting close to a dispatcher never hurts, I said no worries. I hung up, balled up my jacket, and screamed into it. I felt better after that.
981 Maple Street was about five minutes away, but it felt like a world away. Maple Street was at the end of the neighborhood where large swaths of grass fields faded into a thicket of woods. The woods rose up into the foothills until they graduated to mountains. To borrow a phrase from Shel Silverstein, the house resided where the sidewalk ends.
The house, an off-white birdhouse ranch type, was a little run-down but no worse than any of the others that populated this neighborhood. This place had been hit hard by economic times, and property values had plummeted. It was slowly recovering. In five years, this would be a place most current residents wouldn’t be able to afford. The front yard had a large oak tree that looked amazing but had killed the grass under its canopy. The rest of the yard looked well cared for.
I knocked and heard a few voices talking on the other side of the door. It opened, and a man in his late 40s stood there with a steaming cup of coffee in one hand. He was tall and thin, save for a middle-aged paunch. His face was starting to crinkle at the edges, but he was southern California middle-aged, which meant he was holding up pretty well. He did look tired, though—the bags under his eyes were full-on steamer trunks.
"You with the cable company?" he asked, knowing I was.
I nodded. "You requested an install, right?"
"Yes, I did. Please, come in."
He opened the door wide, and I walked in. The house was pretty bare with a bachelor pad aesthetic. That didn't make much sense since I heard a female voice talking to him. I assumed it was his wife. I believe in a lot of wild shit, but to think that a wife would be fine with their house decorated like a 23-year-old bachelor lived there was a bridge too far.
"I'm Tom," the guy said, extending his hand. I shook it. "What did you need from my end?"
"Do you know if there was a previous hookup here?"
"Ugh, yeah. There is one in this room and another in the back bedroom."
"Okay. I should put the modem in a spot that'll hit the whole house. The signal can get wonky if it's in a room behind a wall or bricks or anything."
"This room is probably the best spot then," he said.
"Perfect. I have to get under the house, check the old connections, and replace some parts. Where's your hatch to get under the house?"
"Oh, it's around back. You can exit out this side door and walk through the backyard. It's on the eastern side. You might need a screwdriver to remove the grate. Do you need one?"
I pulled a screwdriver from my pocket and showed him. "I should be good. Thank you, though."
"I should've guessed you'd have one."
"I appreciate your concern. Is there anything in the backyard I should be worried about? Dogs? Kids? Wild dogs? Wild kids?"
It was standard banter, and it always got a chuckle out of people. Same thing happened here. "Nothing to worry about," he said. "You should be good."
"Alright. I'll get started so you can get online as soon as possible."
"Great! If you need anything, I'll be doing some work in the back bedroom."
I nodded and headed for the side door. The dining room door led to the pie wedge-shaped backyard, which was larger in the back than the front made it look. The grass was as cooked as its kin in the front, but islands of green weeds seemed to be thriving. In the corner of the lot, an old metal shed stood, rusted to the point where I assumed divine intervention kept it standing. It seemed to have been there since the house had been built – or maybe several decades before.
When I turned the corner of the house, I spotted a woman and child staring into the corner of the yard, their backs facing me. The Woman wore a faded blue dress that fit her well. Tom had, it seemed, out-kicked his coverage with her. I didn't want to startle them, so I offered a friendly "hello" to the pair. The kid started to turn, but the mother placed a hand on their shoulder and kept their heads facing away from me. I squinted along the treeline, trying to see what they were concentrating on, but I didn't see anything unusual.
Just wanting to be done with the job, I let them be and moved on. I turned another corner to the house's short side and spotted the grate leading to the crawlspace. The grate looked as old as the shed, and I wasn't sure I would even need the screwdriver to open it. Hell, I was sure the thing would disintegrate in my hands as soon as I touched it.
I crouched and was about to pull it off when I heard something rustling near me. I glanced back to where I had seen the mom and kid, but they were gone. I assumed I had heard them leaving. I pulled the grate off – I was right, no screwdriver necessary – and as I set it aside, something caught my attention out of the corner of my eye.
It was the kid. A boy around eight or so. But they weren't staring at me exactly. They were looking away from me, staring up at the roof line. I found it odd. Clearly, the kid wanted to talk to me but had turned their back on me. I coughed to let them know that I knew they were there, but they didn't respond.
"Hey man, what's up there?" I said.
"Nothing nice," he said, still keeping their gaze away from me.
"Oh," I said, "Not going to hurt me, is it?"
"Maybe," he said.
Not the answer I was expecting. "What is it?"
"They told me you'd know soon enough."
As he said that, I felt something crawling across my hand. I pulled my hand away from the house and shook it. I saw a spider land in a pile of leaves and scurry away. I let out a nervous laugh. I'm not scared of spiders or anything, but the shock of being told some unseen thing was watching me and didn't look pleased, coupled with the sensation of something on my skin, was enough to justify a quickened heartbeat.
I looked back at where the kid had been standing, but he was gone. I chalked it up to kids being little weirdos and went back to work. The faster I could get this installation done, the quicker I could go home and smoke a bowl. I let Kush be my guide. I put up my hood, turned on my small flashlight, and shimmied through the opening under the house.
I know guys who've worked for the company for years and still dread going into a crawl space. Granted, it's not my favorite thing to do, but I don't mind either. The bugs can be a nuisance but if you don't bother them, they tend to not bother you. Same with rats and mice. Raccoons, though? I crawl out and call animal control. Those little dudes are cute but nasty as all get out. My path today was nothing but cobwebs, so I was okay.
I flashed my light around and saw where the cable line went up into the living room floor. My job here was to ensure the coaxial line's integrity was still good. If it had been chewed on or anything, I'd replace it. Sometimes, I just replaced it anyway—saving myself a potential job later down the line.
I crawled over to where the line came in from the pedestal and started my once-over. I not only looked for any damage but also ran the line through my hands to make sure my eyes didn't miss anything. I was under the dining room area when I heard that side door close.
I stopped. Tom said something, but it was muffled. I wanted to be nosy, so I waited a beat to hear if anyone spoke back to him. Someone did. It was soft and quiet – I assumed it was the Boy – and I didn't make out what they asked, but I did hear Tom's response. In a firm voice, he said, "No, not right now. Run along."
There were footsteps over me that faded into another section of the home. Tom said, "He always wants to jump the gun. How many times do I have to tell him?"
I suppressed a laugh at the last line. It's the official father's lament. I kept moving my hand down the line and didn't feel nicks along the cable. In fact, on closer inspection, the line looked almost new. I was planning to change it, but this looked like it had been installed last week.
I could hear someone walk into the living room as I reached the spot where the line went through the house. Another pair of footsteps followed the first, and I heard a breathy but detached woman's voice ask, "Can we show our faces now?"
"I just told the boy 'no.' What makes you any different?" Tom said, an edge to his voice.
A chill raced through my body. I knew those words, but this conversation made me feel like I spoke another language. Can we show our faces? Why would you not?
"Do you think he'll see us?"
"If I have my way," he said, not finishing that thought. "Leave me be. I must try to get some things done before he leaves, and you two keep bothering me."
What did Tom mean to get some things done before I left? What did he have in mind? While trying to process all this, I heard something shuffle in the darkness just beyond my flashlight beam. I moved it around, trying to see the telltale glowing eyes of varmints, but nothing flashed back at me.
I heard something shuffling again, this time down by my feet. I cocked my head as best as I could and shone the flashlight into that corner of the house but, again, there wasn't anything else down here but me and a thousand spiders. I sighed and finished my inspection of the wire.
As I turned to crawl back out from under the house, I heard somebody sneaking around on the floor above me. The wood groaned as the person moved slowly. I wasn't sure what they were doing, but they wanted to keep it a secret. A shadow fell over the pinprick of light from where the cable went into the house. Someone was standing over it.
"Can you hear them down there? Moving in the dark?" It was the Boy. “They like the dark.”
"What are you saying?"
"The little shadows," he said, "They live down there. Do you hear them?"
This kid was creepy as hell. "I, ugh, I can't hear you, dude," I said, inching my body away from the wire, "We can talk inside."
"They're going to get you, but that's okay," he said, "It only hurts for a little bit, and then you're fine."
Fuck. That. I had no desire to respond to that nightmare of a statement. I hastened my inch-worming, heading back towards the open hatch. As I did, I heard more movement in the darkness around me. I tried to ignore it, but it was a fool's gambit. It was impossible to ignore.
I was getting closer to the opening when I saw a pair of tiny legs walk in front of the hatch. It was the Boy. How did he get there so quickly and without me hearing him run on the floor? I didn't have time to run through the scientific method because the Boy leaned down and placed the metal grate back over the hatch.
"Hey! Hey!" I yelled. "I'm still under here!"
The Boy didn't stop. Instead, he placed a trashcan in front of the grate, enshrouding the entire crawlspace in darkness and trapping me inside.
"Hey! I need you to move that!" I screamed. No response. I raised my fist as high as possible and punched the floor above me to hopefully get Tom’s attention. That was a mistake, as I managed to punch straight into an old nail. I felt it puncture in between my knuckles. The pain was instant, and I let out a howl.
I shook my hand and swore a blue streak. I reached up with my other hand, felt the tip of the nail I had managed to punch, and found a flat spot next to it. I banged hard on the floor and yelled again for some help. Nobody responded. Not at first.
Then I heard someone chuckle under the house.
I couldn't locate where it had come from because it sounded like it was all around me. I swung my light around as best as I could but didn't see anything. No glowing eyes, nothing. I inched forward a bit, and someone laughed again – this time, it was to my right. I turned my light in that direction and saw a sudden flood of light fill the space under the house.
"What the hell?" I said, my desire to leave overtaken by a desire to know what was unfolding next to me.
A pair of kid legs dropped down from the hole in the floor. I realized then that the hole must be an interior crawlspace. The kid had blocked off the metal grate and opened this hatch for some reason. While he dropped his legs down, he didn't move any further.
"Hey, you have to open that metal grate," I yelled. "I don't want to be trapped down here."
"They told me they needed you," he said, followed by a slight chuckle.
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I said, not caring that I was talking to a child. "Open the goddamn grate!"
"The shadows are approaching," he said, pulling himself back into the house. He placed the lid back on the hole, and I was trapped in the dark again. I cursed to myself and started pounding on the floor again.
"Hey! Someone come help me!"
That's when I felt something run across my legs. I nearly jumped out of my skin. It didn't feel like the tiny claws of a passing rat. It was cold to the touch, but as it hit my skin, I felt a burn in my bones. It's hard to explain, but I felt both extremes simultaneously. Whatever it was skittered off into the darkness of the other side of the crawl space.
The kid started laughing again, which brought me back to reality. I army crawled as fast as I could to the grate. I balled up my fist and punched in the middle of the metal. The blow knocked the old nails out of the wall, and the grate broke up. I was about to push away the garbage can when it suddenly wheeled out of the way.
I saw Tom's legs standing there.
"You okay?" he asked, concern in his voice.
I got out from under the house so fast that I left a me-sized dirt cloud in my place. Once out, I shook my body loose as if I had things crawling all over me. Tom watched but didn't say anything at first. We finally locked eyes, and he could see the rage, fear, and confusion on my face. He wisely waited until I spoke first.
"What the hell is wrong with your kid? He blocked me under there and taunted me from the indoor crawlspace."
"What are you talking about?"
"He told me the shadow people or something were watching, and then he blocked me under the house!"
Tom's face twisted up into confusion. "I...I don't understand."
"I can't make it any simpler, Tom!" I screamed, letting unprofessionalism take root.
"I don't have a kid."
It hit me like an Ali right cross. My vision got dizzy, and I struggled to catch my breath. I stared at his face, looking for the sign of a lie or a joke, but he was as stone-faced as an Easter Island statue. After a beat, I found my sense again. "I heard you talking to him in the living room when I was under the house."
"One, I was on a phone call. Two, are you spying on me? What the hell, man?"
"I wasn't spying, and you weren't on the phone," I said. I also heard you talking to your wife. She asked you if she could show her face or something."
"I don't have a wife either."
I shook my head. "I fucking saw them in the backyard! They were staring at the fence!"
Tom paused and cocked his head to the side. When he spoke, it was softly, trying to calm me down. "Are you...did you have a few drinks before the appointment? Or a pill or something? No judging – I know pill heads. I won't report you or anything, but I understand if you need to come back tomorrow with a clearer head."
"I'm sober," I said, gritting my teeth. "But I know what I saw. What I heard."
"As the tree said to the lumberjack, I'm stumped," Tom said. "You look a little flush. You want a bottle of water or something? I can show you I'm here all alone."
My adrenaline had seeped out of my body, and I was starting to feel like myself again. I nodded at Tom, and he smiled. "I'll go grab you one. Do you want to come into the AC?"
"No, I'm okay. I need to double-check the connection to the pedestal."
"Sure. Be bright back," Tom said as he walked off.
But I had no intention of checking the connections. I was going to check on Tom. I didn't believe him at all. Something weird was going on, and I needed to know what. As soon as he turned the corner around the house, I broke out my flashlight and headed back to the crawlspace.
I dropped to the ground and shone my beam into the darkness. Something had crawled on me, and I wanted to see what it was. I moved my light into every section of the crawlspace but saw no eyes glowing back at me.
"If you're under there, call back."
There was nothing. I was starting to feel like a paranoid idiot. I called out once again just to be sure, but again, nothing called back. I shut off my light and sighed. I started pushing myself back to my feet when I heard a faint woman's voice call out, "Can we show our faces now?"
"Not yet," someone hissed from the trees above me. I snapped my head up, expecting to see someone hanging on a branch over my head, but I just saw green leaves.
"Can we show our faces now?" It was the Boy. It sounded like he was on the roof. I shielded my eyes and glanced at the roof but didn't see him.
"No. He's not ready yet," someone whispered in my ear. I snapped around, throwing a punch as I did, only to slam my fist into the fence. I felt one of my knuckles crack as it hit the wood, and the pain shot up my arm like lightning. Within seconds, my hand started to puff up, and blood dripped out the wounds.
The Boy chuckled again. It came from under the house. I looked down at the grate and saw his legs disappear into the darkness.
"Hey!" I called and dropped to the ground. I pulled out my flashlight and shone into the darkness again. I was confident I'd see him, but he wasn't there. Nobody was.
I sat up and felt goosebumps turn my arms into braille. I glanced over to the corner of the house and was surprised to see the disappearing hemline of the faded blue dress. I rushed over to the corner and didn't see the Woman. I saw Tom with a bottle of water.
"You okay?"
"Where did that woman go?" I asked, my voice panicking. "She was just here."
"Sir, do you need me to call your boss for you? You're starting to scare me."
"What's up with this house? Is it haunted?"
Tom started laughing. "I hope not. I just moved in. I'd hate to have roommates again, especially ones who leave ectoplasm all over the place."
As I stared at him, I saw the Woman and the Boy emerge from the other corner of the house. They looked up on the roof, their faces obscured by their hands and the sun. I pointed a finger at them and screamed, "They're right there!"
Tom spun around and looked, but there wasn't anything there. He turned back to me, not sure what to say. Instead, he handed me the bottle of water. "I gotta be honest. I didn't see anything. Drink the water...you might have heat stroke."
I threw the bottle on the ground. "I don't have fucking heat stroke. I have a man that's lying about these things." I got close to him. "What did you have planned for me? Why do they keep asking to show their faces?"
"I don't," he said, but I didn't stay to hear him finish his thought. I walked right past him and turned the corner of the house. As I did, I saw the blue hem disappear through the door that led to the kitchen. I followed right behind her.
I walked into the house, which was as silent as a corpse. The Woman and Boy were nowhere to be seen. "Hello?" I called out. "I just saw you guys walk in here. Where are you?"
The door behind me opened up. Tom walked in, his face reddening with anger. "You can't just walk into my house."
"I saw them walk in. Where are they?"
"I keep telling you, it's just me and you here. Now, if you want to finish your work…."
I walked away from him and headed toward the bedroom where I had seen the Boy standing. I wanted to check that crawl space. The room was empty, not even a moving box in there, so finding the hatch that led under the house was easy. I went into the closet and pried the hatch open.
Tom entered the room behind me, more confused now than angry. "I don't want a line run through here."
"The Boy was standing in this spot. I saw his legs. I spoke to him. He told me the shadows needed me for something." I glared down into the darkness under the house. Despite Tom's feigned declarations that there wasn't another person in the house, I knew he wasn't being honest.
"Okay, I'm pretty sure you're back on pills and in the middle of a delusion," he said.
"How did you know I had a pill addiction?"
"The way you're acting, it wasn't a hard guess."
"I'm sober, but I did have a problem with pills. I never told you. I don't tell anyone."
Tom stood there, confused about how to answer. I stood up and stared him down. He looked away, but I didn't move my gaze. "Who are you? Who put you up to this? Was it Rory? He trying to get me fired?"
Tom's shoulders sagged. "You got me," he said. "Rory hired me to get you in trouble. I'm... I'm sorry. He offered me free cable for a year and assured me you were a bad guy and, well…. I'm weak."
"That's really fuc…," I stopped. "You're lying. Right now. You're lying. Why?"
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw something dash past the open crawlspace hatch. I turned to the hatch opening and then back to Tom.
"Are you trying to stop me from looking in there?"
He didn't respond.
"What's under there?"
"He is," he said. "The Boy. He hides under there all the time. He has...friends down there."
"The shadow people?"
Tom shrugged, "What he calls them. I call them a menace. Impossible to get my work done with them causing a racket."
"What work?"
"Things you'd never understand in a million years," he said, "Things beyond your brain's capacity to imagine. Things that will help usher in a new world. Your kind's time is coming to a close. My work represents the new order."
I stared at him. I wasn't sure if I should run away or punch his lights out. Instead, I just spat out, "Bro, what the fuck?"
"Can we show our faces now?" the Boy called out from under the house.
I looked down at the hatch and then back at Tom. He nodded toward the opening. "Do you want to see your future?"
"Fuck it," I said. I got down, grabbed the sides of the opening, and lowered my head under the house.
I kept my eyes closed for a second, assuming I'd either see something horrifying or something would hit me in the face. When nothing struck me, I opened my eyes. It was dark, and I couldn't make out anything.
"There's nothing under here," I said.
"Can we show our faces now?" said the Boy from somewhere under the house.
"Show him," Tom said.
I sat back up, grabbed my flashlight from my pocket, and flipped it on. I looked at Tom, "If you try anything, so help me, God."
Tom just smiled. I looked back down at the hatch and sighed. I was suddenly hit with a bolt of common sense. What was I doing? My internal alarms were going off and I was ignoring them. Curiosity had gotten me this far, but my fight instincts were starting to lose to my flight. No job was worth this.
"Man, fuck this," I said, reversing course and standing. I turned to confront Tom, but he was gone. I hadn't heard him leave, but there wasn't a trace of him there. "Tom? Where the hell are you?"
He didn't respond, and I decided that I had hit my "weird shit" quota for the day. I closed the closet door and headed back into the living room to grab my gear. I'd call dispatch and tell them someone else had to come out and finish the….
The wood floor cracked, splintered, and gave way when I put my weight on it. I fell through the floor and landed with a thud on the dirt in the crawl space. On the way down, I hit my ribs on a crossbeam and heard them crack and knock the wind out of me. As I lay on the dirt, writhing in pain, my lungs did their damnedest to find a breath. It couldn't, and my vision started to blur at the edges. For a fleeting few seconds, I envisioned my death on a dirty crawlspace floor. It wasn’t comforting.
I rolled onto my back and finally took in a massive gulp of life-saving air. The blurring vision subsided, and all that remained was the aching pain of a busted rib. My muscles around my rib cage spasmed and pulled tight against my lungs. After the initial big breath, I could only take shallow gulps because the pain was searing.
I lay there for a few seconds, collecting my thoughts, when I felt something skitter across my legs again. I kicked out of instinct but didn't hit anything. Instead, I heard the chuckling again. My flashlight had fallen out of my hand. I found it and turned it on.
This time, I did see something. Pairs of eyes—dozens of them—watched me from the darkness that surrounded me. These weren't possums or rats. I never hoped to find a raccoon under the house more than I did at that moment. I knew whatever these things were, they weren't natural and they wanted to harm me.
"Still want to know what they plan to do to you?" the Boy asked from behind me.
I turned around and shone the light where I heard the voice. The Boy was lying on his stomach, his face looking down at the ground. All I could see at the moment was the top of his head.
"Wha-what's going on?" I said, the light bouncing from my trembling hand.
"I can show you my face now," he said. He raised his head and….
The Boy didn't have a face.
He had the space for a face, but there were no features whatsoever—nothing but pale pink skin pulled tight across the front of his head. At that moment, the image of a wooden art figure came to me.
“What the ever-loving fuck?"
"Want to see something really scary?" the Boy said, his lack of a mouth not stopping him from speaking. He raised himself onto the tips of his fingers and toes and started skittering toward me, laughing as he did.
I clambered out of the crawlspace as fast as my battered body could carry me. I got out of the hole and onto my feet and let out an ear-splitting scream.
The Woman in the blue dress was standing next to the hole in the floor. Like the Boy, she didn't have a face either. But I could feel her eyes on me. Looking into my mind. Into my soul. She stepped toward me, and I bolted for the front door.
I whipped it open and was greeted by Tom standing there, blocking me. He grinned. "Leaving so soon?"
"What the hell is going on?" I asked, checking behind me to see if the Woman was still coming toward me. She was, and she was gaining quickly.
"Can we show our faces now?" he asked with a laugh.
I turned back to Tom and nearly had a heart attack. His face was gone. I could feel my heart beating in my ears. My legs were jelly, but I kept myself propped up. The human desire to survive can perform miracles.
Tom reached out and pointed at a spot on the far side of the living room wall. I turned and saw three skinned human faces hanging from old nails: a man, a woman, and a boy.
"You're turn to join us," Tom whispered. But the voice wasn't said out loud. It came from inside my own head. "We can always use another body around here."
My brain clicked into action and sent an all-points bulletin to my limbs. The message was simple and actionable – "Get the fuck going, you dope."
I felt my hand ball into a fist and spun. It landed where Tom's nose would've been. It should've knocked him back, causing him to stumble and giving me time to run. But that didn't happen. Instead, his face pulled apart, letting my fist slide right through. It closed on my arm, trapping me.
I yanked and yanked, but my arm would not dislodge from his face. I glanced back and saw the Woman nearly next to me. The Boy was climbing out of the hole, moving like a cockroach. I looked back at the wall and saw Tom's hanging face silently laughing.
Something about those silent laughs cut me to my core. They were laughing because Tom thought he had outsmarted me. He had beat me. That my face would soon be hanging on the wall next to theirs. I wasn't going to let that happen.
I saw a loose brick on the walkway, and a plan flashed in my mind. I yanked hard, sending Tom stuttering forward enough for me to wrap my finger around the brick. I brought it up and sent it towards his face. As expected, the face parted again, and the brick flew through easily.
But as soon as the face curtains pulled aside, I yanked my arm free. With my limb free, I took off in a mad sprint for my truck. I got inside and fumbled my keys as I tried to start the engine. Tom, the Woman, and the Boy stood together at the front door and watched as I got the van going and rocketed down the street.
I drove like a madman for ten minutes, trying to put as much space between me and the house as possible. I finally stopped at a gas station to collect my thoughts. I was jittery, and my mind was swimming, but I was also relieved. I had gotten out.
I collected myself and called Denise to tell her I couldn't finish the installation at 981 Maple Street. I was going to suggest we cancel the order and not send another installer there. That's when the conversation took a turn I wasn't expecting.
"Where have you been? You were supposed to be off an hour ago," Denise said when I called her.
"I was trying to finish the install at 981 Maple, the one you sent me to."
"I didn't send you anywhere," she said. "With how insane Rory is being about overtime hours, I'm trying to keep everyone below the threshold."
"What are you talking about? You called and asked me. You don't remember," I said, a bad feeling growing in the pit of my stomach.
She gave me a nervous chuckle, "I swear I didn't. Are you feeling okay? You gotta come back. People are waiting for the van."
"I can prove it. I have a record of you calling me on my phone," I said. I opened my call log, and my jaw dropped. There was no call from Denise. She was telling me the truth. But if she didn't call me, who did?
"Rory wants to talk to you when you get in. I wouldn't mess around, he seems pissed" she said before hanging up.
I haven't moved since. I wanted to write this down because I felt like it needed to be recorded. Something supremely fucked up is happening at 981 Maple Street. It nearly got me. It still might. To think, on any other typical day, a surprise conversation with my boss would be the scariest thing that could happen to me. Funny how seeing a faceless ghoul can prioritize your problems. If you're hired to do work there, turn it down. Trust me, it's not worth it.
"Can we show our faces now?" they asked. "Fuck no," should be the only response.

In an area not inhabited by humans, I think, the most efficient way would be to go to different spots in the area periodically and, obviously, document the flora of them.
However, what makes this task more complicated in my case, is that I want to document the flora of a part of my city, where more factors are involved. The anthropogenic factor is present, where, for instance, Mirabilis jalapa has escaped from cultivation and has started getting established in the cracks of sidewalks, or habitat loss, caused by human activities. Furthermore, there are tens of parks where the conditions are different in each one, some have plants that are watered frequently by sprinklers, affecting the "weeds" growing there, some aren't, others have a lot of shade, others don't. Aside from the parks there's also a river which has it's own ecosystem, though in some places it has been converted to a concrete canal.
So, how should I approach documenting the flora of my area?
Edit: I realized my problem is similar to the travelling salesman problem.

I'm thinking of applying for a L2 ranger or horticulture apprenticeship and I'm wondering how to make my CV look decent so my application will be considered.
I'm 37, and have some relevant experience including: - permaculture design certificate - this included designing an outdoor space at a homeless shelter - volunteering for one day a week for a year in the grounds of an institute where they practiced biodynamic gardening/agriculture (making wildlife habitats, sawing branches, gathering hay, driving a tractor, making compost heaps, weed management, using a strimmer...) - growing vegetables and gardening for family members
The problem is, the rest of my CV is a mess. Due to a previously undiagnosed condition, I had to change jobs several times. They include instrumental music teaching, retail and admin work, wellbeing coaching, and content/copywriting.
Please give me hope that my CV won't ruin my chances! (But be honest if I'm screwed)
Thank you

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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Previous Posts:
1. You Didn't Waste Your Life — You Can Always Make a Comeback
2. Healing Heartbreak — How to Move On from Breakups
3. How to Get Motivated & Disciplined — Why Forcing Yourself to “Just Do It” Ironically Doesn’t Work
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something.” This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void.
Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. phone, social media, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. So consider talking to your friends about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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