So I don’t know how to start this but I meet this girl on a dating app and we were talking, everything was amazing even the first time we met up. She spent the night over because she was too drunk to drive home so was I, I was very hesitant because this person at that time was a stranger but we just vibe so well. After that day we just keep hanging out and exploring places in SD. I got to really get to know this person so well and deeply that we had so much in common, Music, ideas, etc.
I started to like this girl so much but the only thing I didn’t like was she was talking to her ex still but for a reason. She had to pay him back for rent which I thought It was totally fine but it started to get to a point where she was like “ugh he is just pissing me off and I can’t take this with him.” Also she would bring up certain things with him to me which I thought was weird to me because even though I knew they lived with each other about two years ago and broke up a year ago.
I never seen somebody talk about their ex so much even though it was all bad things about him but even still have contact with him. I would kinda tease her about it sometimes like “oh sounds like you guys are still together.” She denies it and says fucker I like you not him anymore but it got to a point I would say stuff like that out of concern which one day, we had a conversation about it and she said I would bring him up all the time.
I never dealt with that before, so even though I know this is wrong I went on a the same dating app I found her on and was looking and I saw her sister friend at the time. I didn’t know the friend at the time so I swipe on her and we didn’t match but I get a call from the girl I was talking to and she was telling me how could I do this and everything else, which she is right I should of never done that. I just felt like she was so drawn on her ex and having conversations with him that I was going try and see what else was out there but after that we came to a agreement on just keep talking to each other.
Months go by and we fall for each other, we aren’t in a relationship yet because I just feel so doubtful that it could work because in my mind she is still talking to her ex. She wants to be my girlfriend but I just kept telling her let’s wait because of the ex stuff, I didn’t tell her that but she got it. We have each others location and spring break comes, I don’t know what happened but my location stops working for her.
I leave to go back home. She gets worried about not seeing it and wants to fix it and I tried to fix it but it wouldn’t work for me even showing her that it didn’t but then I told her I’m going to be spending time with my family because I never get to see them because I play college football. she got that but it’s also my fault because I spent so much time with them and didn’t text her as much when I was back at home.
My birthday is in spring break so I got gifts from my family but I got crocs that had I heart N which was from my mom which represented my uncle who passed, His name started with a N. she’s worried that I might have a another girl back home. I tried telling her I don’t but I wanted her to come over since I was gone for a week and she had gifts for my birthday that past so everything was good.
She is over my place and is fine with staying until I got back from practice so I left then I get text messages from my family friend telling me she is texting her on instagram and somehow gets her phone number. I couldn’t go back home to ask why she is doing that since I was already at practice but after practice I call her and she is literally back at her house and telling me that I lied to her and that she is done with me.
She literally took an edible and drove home which I think is crazy but she is so high and I tell her, What is going on and she says I have proof of you lying to me and I told her send it to me. She takes forever to send it but she sends it to me and it’s my crocs with the N. She tries to say my family friend is the girl so we go back and forth but then she realize that it wasn’t and says sorry for leaving and she also got in an argument with her mom.
I tell her that we need to just slow down we are just dating and you are doing crazy things. She agrees and we kinda slow down, after this she is still stalking my family friend. she doesn’t know that my family friend has a boyfriend and keeps looking at her stories and thinks it’s me so she jumps to conclusions and breaks up with me. I keep tryna tell her it’s not me and she keeps saying it is but we come to a agreement again and she asks me why do I still wanna date her when she’s done that, I tell her I just like her so much and wanna see how far it can go.
This is true and still is because this is still fresh. weeks later she is having conversations with her ex but she already told him that she wants me and not him anymore. he didn’t wanna let go and she was just paying him back the money she owed him but he started to make conversation with her and they were just talking like friends. Couple weeks ago he confessed to her about wanting her back and wants her to drop me and come back to him but they have a long bad history and she told him “I’m not doing that to him, I want him in my life not you just move on.”
He literally pass out or something while driving because he wasn’t getting sleep or something and she calls me and tells me everything that went on and all that shit made me so mad. she still was talking to him because I knew he would do something like that but he gives her a ultimatum of it’s either me or him. She told me that and tells him the next day I’m sticking with him. She couldn’t and wouldn’t go back to that place he put her in so after that I’m pissed off about that whole shit and keeping contact with him.
A week ago, my family friends car stops working so she asks me to take her to target to get stuff and I did because why wouldn’t I help. I do that and we are just laughing and talking then I take a picture of her with my crocs half way in it and she posted it but next thing that happens is I get a text from the girl. She says fuck you, bye then blocks me and it hurt so fucking much like I still think about it and tried to tell her, I wasn’t doing anything with my family friend but I was blocked.
I start to post on my story and she just watches them and not saying anything. I don’t say anything as well but then she posts something about karma is coming for the people that lied to her and did her wrong which hurt because I truly wasn’t doing nothing. I didn’t wanna text her because I was still shocked that she would do that then days go by and she stops watching it.
I saw she keep going public and private on instagram so when she opened it again I like some new pictures of her then she texts and delete. I asked her what did she say and she said why am I liking her shit and I need to stop because my little girlfriend isn’t going like that like just being so petty. She tells me that she is going block me on Instagram too so I started feeling sad and told her don’t let me just talk to her.
I wasn’t even home, I was literally in a different state for a family trip which was two days ago but I tell her everything that I love her and wanna fix it. I don’t wanna lose her but she tells me she isn’t changing her mind and I’m begging her because I truly love this girl but we come to somewhat an agreement of seeing each other Tuesday. I got back in the state so I text her and tell her my flight is going be late maybe let me stay over at her place because I know her mom a little and her mom likes me.
I told her maybe I could do that and we can just talk but then she tells me that’s not a good idea and she isn’t doing that so I keep trying and trying but she says we can talk on the phone when I land so I said fine I’m cool with that. I landed and I was about to text her that I landed, can we talk now but before I went on instagram to see if she unfollowed people because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her being with someone else. I see she blocked me on instagram so I go to text her phone number and I was blocked too.
I had a whole letter for her and she hasn’t even seen it because I sent it after the messages went green but it just hurts so much because I want this girl like she just matches me. This just happened two days ago,I am really hurting bad. I don’t know what to do I feel so alone but I just want her bad like what can I do and I know the story is everywhere but it’s so hard to type this out. I don’t know if anyone wants to hear all of it, maybe I can make a discord or something but I don’t know what to do and I don’t want nobody else but her.

So I don’t know how to start this but I meet this girl on a dating app and we were talking, everything was amazing even the first time we met up. She spent the night over because she was too drunk to drive home so was I, I was very hesitant because this person at that time was a stranger but we just vibe so well. After that day we just keep hanging out and exploring places in SD. I got to really get to know this person so well and deeply that we had so much in common, Music, ideas, etc.
I started to like this girl so much but the only thing I didn’t like was she was talking to her ex still but for a reason. She had to pay him back for rent which I thought It was totally fine but it started to get to a point where she was like “ugh he is just pissing me off and I can’t take this with him.” Also she would bring up certain things with him to me which I thought was weird to me because even though I knew they lived with each other about two years ago and broke up a year ago.
I never seen somebody talk about their ex so much even though it was all bad things about him but even still have contact with him. I would kinda tease her about it sometimes like “oh sounds like you guys are still together.” She denies it and says fucker I like you not him anymore but it got to a point I would say stuff like that out of concern which one day, we had a conversation about it and she said I would bring him up all the time.
I never dealt with that before, so even though I know this is wrong I went on a the same dating app I found her on and was looking and I saw her sister friend at the time. I didn’t know the friend at the time so I swipe on her and we didn’t match but I get a call from the girl I was talking to and she was telling me how could I do this and everything else, which she is right I should of never done that. I just felt like she was so drawn on her ex and having conversations with him that I was going try and see what else was out there but after that we came to a agreement on just keep talking to each other.
Months go by and we fall for each other, we aren’t in a relationship yet because I just feel so doubtful that it could work because in my mind she is still talking to her ex. She wants to be my girlfriend but I just kept telling her let’s wait because of the ex stuff, I didn’t tell her that but she got it. We have each others location and spring break comes, I don’t know what happened but my location stops working for her.
I leave to go back home. She gets worried about not seeing it and wants to fix it and I tried to fix it but it wouldn’t work for me even showing her that it didn’t but then I told her I’m going to be spending time with my family because I never get to see them because I play college football. she got that but it’s also my fault because I spent so much time with them and didn’t text her as much when I was back at home.
My birthday is in spring break so I got gifts from my family but I got crocs that had I heart N which was from my mom which represented my uncle who passed, His name started with a N. she’s worried that I might have a another girl back home. I tried telling her I don’t but I wanted her to come over since I was gone for a week and she had gifts for my birthday that past so everything was good.
She is over my place and is fine with staying until I got back from practice so I left then I get text messages from my family friend telling me she is texting her on instagram and somehow gets her phone number. I couldn’t go back home to ask why she is doing that since I was already at practice but after practice I call her and she is literally back at her house and telling me that I lied to her and that she is done with me.
She literally took an edible and drove home which I think is crazy but she is so high and I tell her, What is going on and she says I have proof of you lying to me and I told her send it to me. She takes forever to send it but she sends it to me and it’s my crocs with the N. She tries to say my family friend is the girl so we go back and forth but then she realize that it wasn’t and says sorry for leaving and she also got in an argument with her mom.
I tell her that we need to just slow down we are just dating and you are doing crazy things. She agrees and we kinda slow down, after this she is still stalking my family friend. she doesn’t know that my family friend has a boyfriend and keeps looking at her stories and thinks it’s me so she jumps to conclusions and breaks up with me. I keep tryna tell her it’s not me and she keeps saying it is but we come to a agreement again and she asks me why do I still wanna date her when she’s done that, I tell her I just like her so much and wanna see how far it can go.
This is true and still is because this is still fresh. weeks later she is having conversations with her ex but she already told him that she wants me and not him anymore. he didn’t wanna let go and she was just paying him back the money she owed him but he started to make conversation with her and they were just talking like friends. Couple weeks ago he confessed to her about wanting her back and wants her to drop me and come back to him but they have a long bad history and she told him “I’m not doing that to him, I want him in my life not you just move on.”
He literally pass out or something while driving because he wasn’t getting sleep or something and she calls me and tells me everything that went on and all that shit made me so mad. she still was talking to him because I knew he would do something like that but he gives her a ultimatum of it’s either me or him. She told me that and tells him the next day I’m sticking with him. She couldn’t and wouldn’t go back to that place he put her in so after that I’m pissed off about that whole shit and keeping contact with him.
A week ago, my family friends car stops working so she asks me to take her to target to get stuff and I did because why wouldn’t I help. I do that and we are just laughing and talking then I take a picture of her with my crocs half way in it and she posted it but next thing that happens is I get a text from the girl. She says fuck you, bye then blocks me and it hurt so fucking much like I still think about it and tried to tell her, I wasn’t doing anything with my family friend but I was blocked.
I start to post on my story and she just watches them and not saying anything. I don’t say anything as well but then she posts something about karma is coming for the people that lied to her and did her wrong which hurt because I truly wasn’t doing nothing. I didn’t wanna text her because I was still shocked that she would do that then days go by and she stops watching it.
I saw she keep going public and private on instagram so when she opened it again I like some new pictures of her then she texts and delete. I asked her what did she say and she said why am I liking her shit and I need to stop because my little girlfriend isn’t going like that like just being so petty. She tells me that she is going block me on Instagram too so I started feeling sad and told her don’t let me just talk to her.
I wasn’t even home, I was literally in a different state for a family trip which was two days ago but I tell her everything that I love her and wanna fix it. I don’t wanna lose her but she tells me she isn’t changing her mind and I’m begging her because I truly love this girl but we come to somewhat an agreement of seeing each other Tuesday. I got back in the state so I text her and tell her my flight is going be late maybe let me stay over at her place because I know her mom a little and her mom likes me.
I told her maybe I could do that and we can just talk but then she tells me that’s not a good idea and she isn’t doing that so I keep trying and trying but she says we can talk on the phone when I land so I said fine I’m cool with that. I landed and I was about to text her that I landed, can we talk now but before I went on instagram to see if she unfollowed people because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her being with someone else. I see she blocked me on instagram so I go to text her phone number and I was blocked too.
I had a whole letter for her and she hasn’t even seen it because I sent it after the messages went green but it just hurts so much because I want this girl like she just matches me. This just happened two days ago,I am really hurting bad. I don’t know what to do I feel so alone but I just want her bad like what can I do and I know the story is everywhere but it’s so hard to type this out. I don’t know if anyone wants to hear all of it, maybe I can make a discord or something but I don’t know what to do and I don’t want nobody else but her.

So I don’t know how to start this but I meet this girl on a dating app and we were talking, everything was amazing even the first time we met up. She spent the night over because she was too drunk to drive home so was I, I was very hesitant because this person at that time was a stranger but we just vibe so well. After that day we just keep hanging out and exploring places in SD. I got to really get to know this person so well and deeply that we had so much in common, Music, ideas, etc.
I started to like this girl so much but the only thing I didn’t like was she was talking to her ex still but for a reason. She had to pay him back for rent which I thought It was totally fine but it started to get to a point where she was like “ugh he is just pissing me off and I can’t take this with him.” Also she would bring up certain things with him to me which I thought was weird to me because even though I knew they lived with each other about two years ago and broke up a year ago.
I never seen somebody talk about their ex so much even though it was all bad things about him but even still have contact with him. I would kinda tease her about it sometimes like “oh sounds like you guys are still together.” She denies it and says fucker I like you not him anymore but it got to a point I would say stuff like that out of concern which one day, we had a conversation about it and she said I would bring him up all the time.
I never dealt with that before, so even though I know this is wrong I went on a the same dating app I found her on and was looking and I saw her sister friend at the time. I didn’t know the friend at the time so I swipe on her and we didn’t match but I get a call from the girl I was talking to and she was telling me how could I do this and everything else, which she is right I should of never done that. I just felt like she was so drawn on her ex and having conversations with him that I was going try and see what else was out there but after that we came to a agreement on just keep talking to each other.
Months go by and we fall for each other, we aren’t in a relationship yet because I just feel so doubtful that it could work because in my mind she is still talking to her ex. She wants to be my girlfriend but I just kept telling her let’s wait because of the ex stuff, I didn’t tell her that but she got it. We have each others location and spring break comes, I don’t know what happened but my location stops working for her.
I leave to go back home. She gets worried about not seeing it and wants to fix it and I tried to fix it but it wouldn’t work for me even showing her that it didn’t but then I told her I’m going to be spending time with my family because I never get to see them because I play college football. she got that but it’s also my fault because I spent so much time with them and didn’t text her as much when I was back at home.
My birthday is in spring break so I got gifts from my family but I got crocs that had I heart N which was from my mom which represented my uncle who passed, His name started with a N. she’s worried that I might have a another girl back home. I tried telling her I don’t but I wanted her to come over since I was gone for a week and she had gifts for my birthday that past so everything was good.
She is over my place and is fine with staying until I got back from practice so I left then I get text messages from my family friend telling me she is texting her on instagram and somehow gets her phone number. I couldn’t go back home to ask why she is doing that since I was already at practice but after practice I call her and she is literally back at her house and telling me that I lied to her and that she is done with me.
She literally took an edible and drove home which I think is crazy but she is so high and I tell her, What is going on and she says I have proof of you lying to me and I told her send it to me. She takes forever to send it but she sends it to me and it’s my crocs with the N. She tries to say my family friend is the girl so we go back and forth but then she realize that it wasn’t and says sorry for leaving and she also got in an argument with her mom.
I tell her that we need to just slow down we are just dating and you are doing crazy things. She agrees and we kinda slow down, after this she is still stalking my family friend. she doesn’t know that my family friend has a boyfriend and keeps looking at her stories and thinks it’s me so she jumps to conclusions and breaks up with me. I keep tryna tell her it’s not me and she keeps saying it is but we come to a agreement again and she asks me why do I still wanna date her when she’s done that, I tell her I just like her so much and wanna see how far it can go.
This is true and still is because this is still fresh. weeks later she is having conversations with her ex but she already told him that she wants me and not him anymore. he didn’t wanna let go and she was just paying him back the money she owed him but he started to make conversation with her and they were just talking like friends. Couple weeks ago he confessed to her about wanting her back and wants her to drop me and come back to him but they have a long bad history and she told him “I’m not doing that to him, I want him in my life not you just move on.”
He literally pass out or something while driving because he wasn’t getting sleep or something and she calls me and tells me everything that went on and all that shit made me so mad. she still was talking to him because I knew he would do something like that but he gives her a ultimatum of it’s either me or him. She told me that and tells him the next day I’m sticking with him. She couldn’t and wouldn’t go back to that place he put her in so after that I’m pissed off about that whole shit and keeping contact with him.
A week ago, my family friends car stops working so she asks me to take her to target to get stuff and I did because why wouldn’t I help. I do that and we are just laughing and talking then I take a picture of her with my crocs half way in it and she posted it but next thing that happens is I get a text from the girl. She says fuck you, bye then blocks me and it hurt so fucking much like I still think about it and tried to tell her, I wasn’t doing anything with my family friend but I was blocked.
I start to post on my story and she just watches them and not saying anything. I don’t say anything as well but then she posts something about karma is coming for the people that lied to her and did her wrong which hurt because I truly wasn’t doing nothing. I didn’t wanna text her because I was still shocked that she would do that then days go by and she stops watching it.
I saw she keep going public and private on instagram so when she opened it again I like some new pictures of her then she texts and delete. I asked her what did she say and she said why am I liking her shit and I need to stop because my little girlfriend isn’t going like that like just being so petty. She tells me that she is going block me on Instagram too so I started feeling sad and told her don’t let me just talk to her.
I wasn’t even home, I was literally in a different state for a family trip which was two days ago but I tell her everything that I love her and wanna fix it. I don’t wanna lose her but she tells me she isn’t changing her mind and I’m begging her because I truly love this girl but we come to somewhat an agreement of seeing each other Tuesday. I got back in the state so I text her and tell her my flight is going be late maybe let me stay over at her place because I know her mom a little and her mom likes me.
I told her maybe I could do that and we can just talk but then she tells me that’s not a good idea and she isn’t doing that so I keep trying and trying but she says we can talk on the phone when I land so I said fine I’m cool with that. I landed and I was about to text her that I landed, can we talk now but before I went on instagram to see if she unfollowed people because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her being with someone else. I see she blocked me on instagram so I go to text her phone number and I was blocked too.
I had a whole letter for her and she hasn’t even seen it because I sent it after the messages went green but it just hurts so much because I want this girl like she just matches me. This just happened two days ago,I am really hurting bad. I don’t know what to do I feel so alone but I just want her bad like what can I do and I know the story is everywhere but it’s so hard to type this out. I don’t know if anyone wants to hear all of it, maybe I can make a discord or something but I don’t know what to do and I don’t want nobody else but her.

************* Preparing the environment for Debugger Extensions Gallery repositories **************
ExtensionRepository : Implicit
UseExperimentalFeatureForNugetShare : true
AllowNugetExeUpdate : true
NonInteractiveNuget : true
AllowNugetMSCredentialProviderInstall : true
AllowParallelInitializationOfLocalRepositories : true
EnableRedirectToV8JsProvider : false
-- Configuring repositories
-- Repository : LocalInstalled, Enabled: true
-- Repository : UserExtensions, Enabled: true
>>>>>>>>>>>>> Preparing the environment for Debugger Extensions Gallery repositories completed, duration 0.031 seconds
************* Waiting for Debugger Extensions Gallery to Initialize **************
>>>>>>>>>>>>> Waiting for Debugger Extensions Gallery to Initialize completed, duration 0.110 seconds
-- Repository : UserExtensions, Enabled: true, Packages count: 0
-- Repository : LocalInstalled, Enabled: true, Packages count: 29
Microsoft (R) Windows Debugger Version 10.0.26100.1 X86
Copyright (c) Microsoft Corporation. All rights reserved.
Loading Dump File [C:\Users\Seth\Downloads\052824-6203-01.dmp]
Mini Kernel Dump File: Only registers and stack trace are available
Symbol search path is: srv*
Executable search path is:
Windows 10 Kernel Version 22621 MP (24 procs) Free x64
Product: WinNt, suite: TerminalServer SingleUserTS Personal
Kernel base = 0xfffff801`27400000 PsLoadedModuleList = 0xfffff801`28013130
Debug session time: Tue May 28 16:55:18.969 2024 (UTC - 7:00)
System Uptime: 0 days 0:09:27.593
Loading Kernel Symbols
...............................................................
................................................................
................................................................
..................
Loading User Symbols
PEB is paged out (Peb.Ldr = 00000000`00a97018). Type ".hh dbgerr001" for details
Loading unloaded module list
.............
For analysis of this file, run !analyze -v
2: kd> !analyze -v
*******************************************************************************
* *
* Bugcheck Analysis *
* *
*******************************************************************************
DPC_WATCHDOG_VIOLATION (133)
The DPC watchdog detected a prolonged run time at an IRQL of DISPATCH_LEVEL
or above.
Arguments:
Arg1: 0000000000000001, The system cumulatively spent an extended period of time at

DISPATCH\_LEVEL or above. 

Arg2: 0000000000001e00, The watchdog period (in ticks).
Arg3: fffff8012811c340, cast to nt!DPC_WATCHDOG_GLOBAL_TRIAGE_BLOCK, which contains

additional information regarding the cumulative timeout 

Arg4: 0000000000000000
Debugging Details:
------------------
*************************************************************************
*** ***
*** ***
*** Either you specified an unqualified symbol, or your debugger ***
*** doesn't have full symbol information. Unqualified symbol ***
*** resolution is turned off by default. Please either specify a ***
*** fully qualified symbol module!symbolname, or enable resolution ***
*** of unqualified symbols by typing ".symopt- 100". Note that ***
*** enabling unqualified symbol resolution with network symbol ***
*** server shares in the symbol path may cause the debugger to ***
*** appear to hang for long periods of time when an incorrect ***
*** symbol name is typed or the network symbol server is down. ***
*** ***
*** For some commands to work properly, your symbol path ***
*** must point to .pdb files that have full type information. ***
*** ***
*** Certain .pdb files (such as the public OS symbols) do not ***
*** contain the required information. Contact the group that ***
*** provided you with these symbols if you need this command to ***
*** work. ***
*** ***
*** Type referenced: TickPeriods ***
*** ***
*************************************************************************
*** WARNING: Check Image - Checksum mismatch - Dump: 0x210d9b, File: 0x210ec3 - C:\ProgramData\dbg\sym\BTHport.sys\FE108757203000\BTHport.sys
KEY_VALUES_STRING: 1
Key : Analysis.CPU.mSec
Value: 4968
Key : Analysis.Elapsed.mSec
Value: 5151
Key : Analysis.IO.Other.Mb
Value: 0
Key : Analysis.IO.Read.Mb
Value: 0
Key : Analysis.IO.Write.Mb
Value: 0
Key : Analysis.Init.CPU.mSec
Value: 546
Key : Analysis.Init.Elapsed.mSec
Value: 13346
Key : Analysis.Memory.CommitPeak.Mb
Value: 83
Key : Bugcheck.Code.LegacyAPI
Value: 0x133
Key : Dump.Attributes.AsUlong
Value: 1008
Key : Dump.Attributes.DiagDataWrittenToHeader
Value: 1
Key : Dump.Attributes.ErrorCode
Value: 0
Key : Dump.Attributes.KernelGeneratedTriageDump
Value: 1
Key : Dump.Attributes.LastLine
Value: Dump completed successfully.
Key : Dump.Attributes.ProgressPercentage
Value: 0
Key : Failure.Bucket
Value: 0x133_ISR_nt!KeAccumulateTicks
Key : Failure.Hash
Value: {65350307-c3b9-f4b5-8829-4d27e9ff9b06}
BUGCHECK_CODE: 133
BUGCHECK_P1: 1
BUGCHECK_P2: 1e00
BUGCHECK_P3: fffff8012811c340
BUGCHECK_P4: 0
FILE_IN_CAB: 052824-6203-01.dmp
DUMP_FILE_ATTRIBUTES: 0x1008
Kernel Generated Triage Dump
DPC_TIMEOUT_TYPE: DPC_QUEUE_EXECUTION_TIMEOUT_EXCEEDED
BLACKBOXBSD: 1 (!blackboxbsd)
BLACKBOXNTFS: 1 (!blackboxntfs)
BLACKBOXPNP: 1 (!blackboxpnp)
BLACKBOXWINLOGON: 1
CUSTOMER_CRASH_COUNT: 1
PROCESS_NAME: steam.exe
STACK_TEXT:
ffffa601`291e29d8 fffff801`276e34e9 : 00000000`00000133 00000000`00000001 00000000`00001e00 fffff801`2811c340 : nt!KeBugCheckEx
ffffa601`291e29e0 fffff801`276e2634 : 000001f0`c976a8b8 00000001`529dc2f9 00000000`00008de5 00000000`00000000 : nt!KeAccumulateTicks+0x239
ffffa601`291e2a40 fffff801`276e42ef : 00000000`00000018 00000000`00001388 00000000`00008d00 00000000`00005493 : nt!KiUpdateRunTime+0xf4
ffffa601`291e2c00 fffff801`276e06a8 : 00000000`00000000 00000000`00000000 ffffa601`291c8180 00000000`00000000 : nt!KiUpdateTime+0x63f
ffffa601`291e2ea0 fffff801`276dff6a : fffff801`2805ff58 00000000`00000001 00000000`00000001 00000000`0000000c : nt!KeClockInterruptNotify+0x228
ffffa601`291e2f40 fffff801`27667ccc : 00000001`529dd681 ffffb688`29f45200 ffffb688`29f452b0 00000000`00000000 : nt!HalpTimerClockInterrupt+0x10a
ffffa601`291e2f70 fffff801`2781a18a : ffff8305`fd966a90 ffffb688`29f45200 ffffa601`291c8180 00000000`00000000 : nt!KiCallInterruptServiceRoutine+0x9c
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SYMBOL_NAME: nt!KeAccumulateTicks+239
MODULE_NAME: nt
IMAGE_NAME: ntkrnlmp.exe
IMAGE_VERSION: 10.0.22621.3593
STACK_COMMAND: .cxr; .ecxr ; kb
BUCKET_ID_FUNC_OFFSET: 239
FAILURE_BUCKET_ID: 0x133_ISR_nt!KeAccumulateTicks
OSPLATFORM_TYPE: x64
OSNAME: Windows 10
FAILURE_ID_HASH: {65350307-c3b9-f4b5-8829-4d27e9ff9b06}
Followup: MachineOwner
---------

This is gonna be a LONG one. Sorry sweethearts ❤️
Obviously posting from my fake account so the person I’m referring to doesn’t see. Also, I wouldn’t post this here normally but I’ve gotten no help from other findoms other than to just ignore my feelings.
I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that I’ve become attached to my finsub. For reference, I’ve been doing this for about 2 yrs, and I currently have a 1.5yr long finsub (let’s call him Bob), a 4 month long finsub (Rob), and new couple of weeks old finsub (Zob?idfk). I’ve had others in between but I prefer long term relationships to truly get to know the sub otherwise I kinda feel like I’m a street hooker (nothing wrong with that!). And I actually love to get to know people and let them know about me. If you grew up on Omegle, you def know what I mean.
With Bob, we started off talking every single night and having sessions. It then dwindled down and he only reaches out for sessions every other week due to his family commitments. We still talk like how I would my normal everyday friends and check up on each other. For payment, he sends every Monday a weekly stipend (I approached him about stopping but he wanted to keep it as a reminder that this is transactional to some extent) and he pays me for the sessions separately. I truly see him as a close friend and I’m absolutely blessed to be able to have met him. I’ve even (with his permission) sent his kids gifts for bdays. I’m close to him but I wouldn’t be absolutely heartbroken if we ended this and just stuck to being friends.
With Rob, he’s a busy man and this relationship is only for pleasure. He contacts me on Sundays for sessions and pays for those only. Occasionally, he’ll pay for pictures when he’s having a bad day and just needs a quick release on his own. He’s like that coworker you see at work events and spend 3 hrs talking to but then don’t talk to outside of that.
Now Zob, yes I feel ridiculous writing that. Zob is something else. You could say that we started off the same way Rob and I started off, but somethings different about him. So far, our schedule has been a daily session after work that he pays for and then, after he finishes cleaning himself, we talk for hours. I can’t tell you why we even talk about but all I can describe it as is us trying to catch each other up on everything that has ever happened to us. Even the mundane details.
Here’s the issue, I think I might be emotionally attached to him. He’s been really busy for the past couple of days and all of a sudden I feel like I’m going through a breakup. I’ve literally cried so much I had to cancel my session with another finsub. We send each other “hru” texts but that’s it. I’m not sure if I should address this with him and end this while it’s still fresh.
Realistically, it COULD work out if we wanted to end this and begin a “normal” relationship but would that be smart? How do I even approach that with him? Do I even approach it? Other findom friends have told me to keep it as it is because, admittedly, I need the money, but I feel bad taking his money. I also just kinda feel cheap taking it. I don’t want him to pay to talk to me but I also don’t want him to think I’m going to abuse the power he gives me. To add to it, hypothetically, if I did ask to move forward with a normal relationship, I don’t want him to feel bad that I’m being paid by other subs to make up for it.
As a sub, what would you want to hear from your domme? Would you want them to even say anything?
PS: Our dynamic outside of sessions is basically just him teasing about marrying me and me telling him off. It’s banter. It’s flirting. That’s all. But it’s getting to me. If you recommend that I don’t say anything to him, should I at least mention that I’d like him to stop that? Idk

It's been 4 weeks since I lost my job. I've never been a good drunk, and on this night..i decided to smoke on top of being drunk..
So i was at this company gathering, having some beers and shots to send off a female coworker leaving. Towards the end..i went outside to vape, stumbling around thinking about how i need to stop so i could drive home soon..and the said, farewell co worker, was leaving the party early. I saw her a few feet at the side door of the bar and i called out to her..and, wished her good luck at her new job and followed up with something inappropriate.
She is 300lbs of woman and had the biggest ass anyone has ever seen. Not in a flattering way when ur sober..
And my drunk ass told her, "Ya know your ass is pretty fat"..🤦🏽‍♂️ I know...wtf was I thinking...but in my mind I didn't think anything that bad was said, because she laughed about it...till my boss pulls me aside telling me she called him, told him about it...and I was fired for it right on the spot....
My wife had a great weekend planned to hang with friends in China town. So Friday I was fired, and I didn't wanna ruin her weekend....so I wait til Monday.
Not knowing yet, she asks me Sunday night, if I would be leaving to work early on the morning..I told her No..and that I needed to talk to her.
I told her what had happened...No reaction from her.. just a cold stare into the street we live on..
A year before this, on the same stoop....we had a disconnect that I never reacted to... She told me a year ago, that she felt like she was falling out of love with me.. and around this time she had been having some emotional reactions, which she would usually say; she's just getting her period.
Looking back on it now, I always thought her periods were getting more common..she would always say I just don't know cause I don't go through it.
But since that talk a year ago...through reading alot of texts..looking at alot of pictures..and still so confused on how I was suppose to see this? I question how? Everything looked fine. We talked all day, we took the kids to parties..we went on a couple dates, but getting a trustworthy person to watch our kids, is difficult. Her son, whom I helped raise since he was 2, because his father isn't around, just now became the legal age to watch our other 2.
This was the perfect time for us to reconnect. But I fucked up..
I now despise drinking.. I cut down the smoking almost entirely. And my wife, does not want to work it out with me..
I never abused her.. Never manipulated her I never cheated on her Never told her anything other than she was my queen..and she was beautiful. Making sure she was covered with her favorite blanket every night..and filling her water bottle before bed. Watching all the murder docs she was obsessed with 😭
I just made dumb mistakes. Mistakes i compare to other husbands and feel im no where near as damaged as those. ...and now I'm losing my home, my kids, my welcome, and my queen. 😭😭
After much much research...I know seperation works one of 2 ways...
either she'll realize that this is not the way..and since I'm more than willing to fix this now than I was a year ago..she knows she can come right back to me.
Or, she meets someone new.. And even though, I'll be an improved man...focused on providing for myself and my children and healing my mental health...
she still won't want me.
I'm scared of my future. Everybody seems to have the same advice...move on..focus on urself...
but I've been living in my basement for 4 weeks.
And I'm going crazy.
My new job hasn't had me start yet so I'm always thinking about her..I can't even play with my kids without feeling sad and having to walk away before bursting into tears about not being able to see them every day.
I hope I can survive on my own...cause the last 12 years...we built up our home and family together...I don't want to give up...but i feel like she won't have it any other way, and I can't fathom living in the same home, seperated from the person I love..while she leaves me with my children to either work..or hangout with friends. Both of which are usually night time events.
I can't focus..I can't show love..I feel numb. I feel hurt...abandoned. I'm familiar with this feeling. And she doesn't care anymore
How could she just give up on me like this.. 😞

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Hi! Me and my boyfriend (22F and 24M) are pretty anxiously attached to one another. I find myself thinking more and more about him, the issues in our relationship and feeling like a ball of anxiety over it. Right now my anxiety is really bad, it's disrupting my regular life - I can not focus on anything else but looking at his statuses online, if he's followed anyone new on Instagram, if he's liking certain girls pictures, what he's doing, etc.
I realize I sound super insecure, and I am, but love him and our relationship and am getting in contact with therapy, I have my first session scheduled for this summer, I am fully committed to solving this problem. But for now, I can only do these short-term solutions, like going no-contact.
There are few reasons for this: Firstly, like I said, it's disrupting my life. I have 3 exams the upcoming week and I can not study because he is all that occupied my head. Waiting for his text, texting him, hanging out with him, spiraling about what he's doing, etc. It's not healthy and it's coming at the worst time possible. I suspect it would massively help me to so that I'm not expecting a text from him and therefore thinking about him all the time, checking my phone and getting anxious when he hasn't responded. Secondly, I need to think about the relationship. As much as this is due to my own insecurities and anxieties, he has done some thing I deem outright wrong. I won't get into it, but it involves him being sexual with his female friend, liking certain pictures on Instagram, acting inappropriately basically, it also is regarding some troubles in our sex life; I find him quite selfish in bed.
He is otherwise a great guy, I think just he is autistic and a bit daft when it comes to these things. He calls me every day, has had sessions where he for hours on end sits with me, rubs my back over my anxiety, tells me he loves me, etc. He always talks about our future together, showers me with compliments, etc. So I know we have a good relationship otherwise.
So; my proposal is to go no-contact, where we don't message each other. I've spoken to him about this before, I've suggested it once before in a similar but less intense situation, and he said he wasn't comfortable with it and we compromised on me texting him every morning but nothing more than that. What I am requesting now is no talking, full stop. Is this selfish of me? I think I could try to get a morning text in there, but I'd prefer it if there was no obligations to speak, and I could just get up, do what I need to do without thinking about him, and then go to bed. He's also has abandonment issues and gets paranoid thoughts about me just never coming back. He said it is a hard no to go no-contact, but I feel it's necessary for our relationship and my exams. Therefore, AIO if I sent him a message right now, telling him the situation, that he can message me and I will respond if it's an emergency, but that I would greatly appreciate some space and no texting or calling indefinitely, at least a couple of hours and at most until my exams are done with. Would it be selfish of me? Thanks
TL;DR: My boyfriend and I are both anxiously attached, and my anxiety about our relationship is affecting my ability to focus on studying for exams. I'm considering proposing a period of no-contact to alleviate some of the anxiety. However, my boyfriend has previously expressed fear of abandonment and is reluctant about going no-contact. I'm unsure if it would be selfish of me to request this space, even temporarily, given the circumstances. Before we negotiated to me sending him a morning text, but now I would prefer it without that. I am unsure of this is selfish, feel like I am in attempts to relieve my own anxiety just dumping the anxiety on him in order to make me feel better... What are some other things I could do?

Hi! Me and my boyfriend (22F and 24M) are pretty anxiously attached to one another. I find myself thinking more and more about him, the issues in our relationship and feeling like a ball of anxiety over it. Right now my anxiety is really bad, it's disrupting my regular life - I can not focus on anything else but looking at his statuses online, if he's followed anyone new on Instagram, if he's liking certain girls pictures, what he's doing, etc.
I realize I sound super insecure, and I am, but love him and our relationship and am getting in contact with therapy, I have my first session scheduled for this summer, I am fully committed to solving this problem. But for now, I can only do these short-term solutions, like going no-contact.
There are few reasons for this: Firstly, like I said, it's disrupting my life. I have 3 exams the upcoming week and I can not study because he is all that occupied my head. Waiting for his text, texting him, hanging out with him, spiraling about what he's doing, etc. It's not healthy and it's coming at the worst time possible. I suspect it would massively help me to so that I'm not expecting a text from him and therefore thinking about him all the time, checking my phone and getting anxious when he hasn't responded. Secondly, I need to think about the relationship. As much as this is due to my own insecurities and anxieties, he has done some thing I deem outright wrong. I won't get into it, but it involves him being sexual with his female friend, liking certain pictures on Instagram, acting inappropriately basically, it also is regarding some troubles in our sex life; I find him quite selfish in bed.
He is otherwise a great guy, I think just he is autistic and a bit daft when it comes to these things. He calls me every day, has had sessions where he for hours on end sits with me, rubs my back over my anxiety, tells me he loves me, etc. He always talks about our future together, showers me with compliments, etc. So I know we have a good relationship otherwise.
So; my proposal is to go no-contact, where we don't message each other. I've spoken to him about this before, I've suggested it once before in a similar but less intense situation, and he said he wasn't comfortable with it and we compromised on me texting him every morning but nothing more than that. What I am requesting now is no talking, full stop. Is this selfish of me? I think I could try to get a morning text in there, but I'd prefer it if there was no obligations to speak, and I could just get up, do what I need to do without thinking about him, and then go to bed. He's also has abandonment issues and gets paranoid thoughts about me just never coming back. He said it is a hard no to go no-contact, but I feel it's necessary for our relationship and my exams. Therefore, AIO if I sent him a message right now, telling him the situation, that he can message me and I will respond if it's an emergency, but that I would greatly appreciate some space and no texting or calling indefinitely, at least a couple of hours and at most until my exams are done with? Would it be selfish of me? Thanks

i won’t be using names but this story is extremely specific so if you read this and were part of it, oh well. this is what happened through my eyes.
a little over a year ago i was kicked out of my living situation with a former “friend” of mine. i’m extremely lucky to have so much familial support as i was able to move in with my brother immediately after. it’s honestly all still a blur, thinking about how it all went down. i was so so excited to live with my friends, we had been friends since freshman year of highschool for most of them (one of them i had been friends with since i was 8 years old. i was 22 when i was kicked out). it was like a dream, two of us in one unit (me and the person who kicked me out) and three of us in a different unit on the same complex. it was supposed to be like a party all the time, and i was so excited to feel surrounded by support and love.
unfortunately, right before the move in date i reconnected and ended up getting back together with someone i had been in an on and off again abusive relationship with. my friends DID NOT like them and they knew that, but i felt pressured to ask if they could live with us regardless. and so they did! it was me and my ex sharing a room with my cat, and my ex friend in their own room with their two cats. it was an abysmal situation pretty much immediately, my ex and my ex friend hated each other and fought constantly. after about only a month, my partner moved out and returned to their home state. my friends were increasingly concerned about the nature of our relationship and saw the massive toll it had taken on me. they urged me to end things, so i finally did. i was devastated, crying for days and days even though i knew it was the only solution for my safety and happiness.
fast forward to the new year (i broke up with my partner in october 2022) and things were okay. i had been making new friends at my job and was so elated to have two groups of people that seemed to care about me and love me as i was. i turned 22 in february and it was one of the best birthdays ive ever had, even in hindsight. i started dating one of my new work friends, and she made me feel like i was part of something, part of the cool kid group. however, her friend group openly found my old school friends “cringey” and “annoying” and were constantly trying to separate me from them. in the meantime, still living with my friends, i fell into a deep depression. i struggled to take care of myself, to keep my space clean, and to clean up after my cat. my room was disgusting, and i will forever be ashamed about it. i never let anyone inside due to pure embarrassment. my cat was always fed, but i was not scooping her little box leading to her urinating and defecating all over the carpet eventually leading to me having to remove the carpet. my clothes were always dirty. i wasn’t allowed to let my cat out of my room because she didn’t get along with my roommates’ cats. she never showed any negative emotions towards me regardless of the poor care i was taking of her (and myself) and we were constantly snuggling and spending time together.
i could tell my roommate was becoming frustrated with my lack of cleanliness but i was in such a dark place it felt like i would never get out. one day, while i was at work, my roommate texted me telling me they had taken my cat away from me and given her to my friends in the apartment nearby. i was incredibly upset, my cat means the world to me and she felt like the only good thing about my life. immediately after i got off of work i went straight to my friends to beg for my cat back. i was an emotional mess, crying and hysteric trying to keep my calm but it was so difficult to see them all turning on me before my eyes. they told me my roommate had taken pictures of my room and showed them. it was humiliating. at first they were concerned, not mad. they did not give me my cat back so i was forced to return back to my own apartment empty handed. i blew up at my roommate. i’m not proud, but i felt pushed to the edge and completely out of control. i have suffered so much heartache at the hands of others my whole life, and the fact that it was coming from people i thought were my best friends was breaking my heart in two. in the moment i told my roommate they were acting like my ex partner, and they snapped and told me i had 30 days to leave. i returned to my room and sobbed for hours. in the following days i moved as much stuff as i could to my brothers house and had to take hours out of my own very busy work day (i had recently been promoted to manager) to retrieve my cat. i was so wracked with anxiety i couldn’t face my friends. in text messages they were calling me an animal abuser and telling me i was a bad person. i couldn’t understand the complete 180 that happened in the blink of an eye. my mom was luckily able to get my cat back, and that first night with her at my brothers house was one of the worst of my life. she instantly crawled on my lap and did not leave the entire night. i took her to the vets office the next day and they told me she was in perfect health, there was nothing wrong with her whatsoever.
i tried to move on with my life and find comfort in my girlfriend and her friends, but they ended up dropping me a few months later as well. here i am now, over a year later, without friends and no support system other than my family and my boyfriend. my cat is still in perfect health, and is living lavishly in a large house with space to roam and a consistently clean litter box. i deep clean every week, and i absolutely refuse to fall back into the filth i was living in before. but it still hurts just like the day it happened. i’ll never understand why, in my time of greatest need, my roommate decided to make a villain out of me. and then went on to convince my friends of it too. i was so sure these people would be in my life forever. there are places i can’t go anymore without extreme anxiety because of the chance i will see them. i have an incredibly difficult almost impossible time connecting with new people now, so i really have no way of creating a new circle. i am extremely depressed and often don’t feel loved, even by my boyfriend. i struggle everyday to keep it together, but i risk losing my job due to the amount of time ive had to take off due to not being able to stop crying and panicking. i feel hopeless and suicidal everyday. i had an abortion early this year with no friends to support me. i’m struggling in my relationship and have no one to talk to about the things i can’t tell my mother. i’m desperately trying to find a therapist that listens and understands but it feels impossible.
despite everything though, i’m trying to take everyday as it comes. all i can hope is that in the future, ill have friends and loved ones who care about me and love me for who i am, even if im struggling. im not saying im a perfect person, i never have been. i struggle with self hatred and feeling like a bad person constantly. it might sound silly, but this was a traumatic event for me. in a life with so much hardship this made me feel like i will never be happy again. i feel lost, but i can only hope healing will set me free.
i know this is extremely long and personal and i don’t expect anyone to read the whole thing, but if you do, thank you for listening. just typing this all out has been incredibly cathartic

*System Restart\*
I blinked at the text hanging in the air.
A small image of da Vinci’s vitruvian man did calisthenics underneath the words. More information scrolled upwards.
HumanOS Version: 1.0 Model: Vincent J. Carter Serial: 987-65-4329 Battery: 1560 @ 100% Memory: 640/640 Provider: None Network: None Credits: 9360 Expansion: None
The words flashed then swirled and transformed into a small translucent cog that hovered in the top right corner of my vision. Other icons floated into existence across the top of my vision, just like the info bar on a cellphone. An (8E) symbol, signal bars at 100%, and a full battery symbol. The time was currently 16:43 and it was Thursday, June 16th 1885
“What the heck?” I muttered, my voice loud in the silence of the ruined room.
I focused on the cog and a series of icons filled my vision. It took me about two seconds to understand that I could move them around using nothing more than my thoughts.
App Store, Calculator, Calendar, Camera, Clock, Gear, Inventory, Map, Notes, System.
“Did… Am I somehow mentally fused with my smartphone?” I wondered aloud. The timeless chaos and the voice were fading to dreamlike memories, a nightmare event that scratched at the edge of my sanity and threatened to overwhelm me. Did that entity think that the cellphone was some part of me?
“Okay, no worries. Let’s get back home and deal with this later.” I grumbled. “Hopefully I don’t run into a protest or riot or get locked up for violating curfew or not wearing a mask.”
I mentally selected [Map]
A transparent map of the room filled my vision along with tiny labels covering everything. Ruined chair, ruined bed, ruined table, rusty knife, leather pouch, unknown book. A moment later I had mastered the controls and zoomed out to find… nothing. The map was blank.
*Local Map Updating…\*
The Local map was updating, possibly because it needed to be filled in by my own exploration? I noticed a couple of icons on the left side of my vision and focused on them. Map Type, Search. Map Type allowed me to switch between Local, Transit, and Terrain.
I flipped between them and was rewarded with better information. The Transit map was like a traditional map, just lines and points of interest with the distance and travel times. I am currently in ‘Ruins of Fort Galos” with a dirt road that leads 3 miles south to “Wendleton Road” which zooms out to run between the cities of Wendleton and Comstock. Another zoom out and I’m located in the Region of Stratford… zoom out…on the continent of North Anglia… zoom out … on the planet of Aerth.
It sort of looks like Earth, if Earth had no polar ice caps. I can recognise the major continents, although most are shaped strangely because the oceans are so high. North America is split completely in two by a huge gulf that eats up all of Louisiana, most of the southern states, and carves a deep furrow all the way up to the Great Lakes and out to the eastern seaboard. Florida is missing, as is most of the eastern seaboard. The map calls that area ‘Colonia’ and it’s marked with a somewhat familiar red, white, and blue flag with just 17 stars. I’m located somewhere near Colorado, but Colorado doesn’t exist anymore. It’s part of Wilmont county in the Region of Stratford in an area called the Midlands.
My hands started shaking. It’s some sort of joke. Some kind of insanity. Some sort of delusion. Or maybe I’m delirious with the damned virus and having a mad dream. Okay. Okay. Deep breaths. Calm down and think rationally. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, inhaling the musty and burnt scents of my new reality.
Okay, if I’m really in some alternate world then maybe things aren’t so bad? I was on the verge of being homeless and now I am homeless, so, nothing has really changed, right? And since I seem to be fused with my smartphone, maybe I can use that to my advantage? I quickly imagined a million ways I could die in a fantasy world and pushed down the panic. No sense in panicking just yet — we can do that later when I’m being burnt at the stake for witchcraft or something.
I flipped back over to Local Map and examined the room again. Leather pouch, rusty knife, and unknown book were located under the rotting carcass of the bed. I approached it and looked carefully to see if I could spot them. I smiled to myself thinking maybe I could make a living as some sort of detective or something, finding lost items with preternatural ability. Unable to see anything in the mass of mushrooms and ferns, I mentally tapped the label “Leather pouch” on the Local Map.
*Place Item in Inventory? [Y/N]\*
I selected [Y] and received a notification. Memory: [639/640]
Huh. It takes up memory.
I pulled the heavy pouch from inventory and into my hand. The leather was dried and stiff, but I managed to open it to reveal 1 golden coin, 50 tarnished silver, 68 copper, and 30 bronze coins.
The copper coins were about the size of a nickel and quite worn, but I could make out the face of some priest with a fancy hat on the face and a hammer and anvil on the reverse. The brass were the size of a quarter and similarly worn, and featured a bull on the face and a sheaf of wheat on the reverse. The silver were the size of a dime and slightly tarnished, with the image of some queen on the face and a crescent moon on the reverse. The gold coin was untouched by time and featured a stern looking king on the face, with a stylised sun on the opposite face. I popped everything back into Inventory.
Huh. It appears that everything I stick into inventory counts against the available memory of 640 that was listed earlier, but coins stack into one slot for each type so now I have 636/640 memory. Not bad, not bad. A little experimentation quickly proved that I could add the ruined chair and table too. One slot each. A seriously overpowered feature that I planned to abuse in the future — just put things in bags and boxes and my Inventory was practically unlimited! I rubbed my hands together like an evil villain. Half an hour ago I was a broke nobody with no future, and now I’m able to start completely fresh with cash and some strange abilities. Thank you strange entity!
It was terrifying and exhilarating. I wanted to dance and puke at the same time.
I placed the Unknown Book into Inventory and it popped into my hands a moment later along with a strong musty aroma. The leather cover was green with mould and swollen with moisture. Carefully flipping through the pages I stared in wonder at the illustrated script. It was like one of those old religious books you see in museums, every page a work of art. Too bad it’s written in some strange language I can’t read. Arabic maybe? Putting it back into Inventory, it took just a moment to figure out that I could get a quick overview of the item. [Unknown Book. A mouldy old book written in an unknown language.]
The rusty knife was what my father would have called a “pig sticker”, with a grubby leather sheath, bone handle, and a thick blade about ten inches long. Even though the blade was spotted with a bit of rust, it seemed to be in decent condition and could probably be salvaged with a whetstone and some oil. It was a weapon, and considering current events, a welcome addition to my new collection of personal possessions.
I kept the ruined chair and table in inventory. Never know when you might need firewood.
The Calculator was pretty cool, selecting it allowed me to mentally perform arithmetic in moments or provided a count of items in my vision. As long as it was open I could just think of a simple maths problem and the answer popped in my head along with a running tally. There was a scientific tab on it, but I didn’t foresee me using cosine functions anytime soon.
The Camera was interesting, allowing me to snap a photo of what I could see, but each picture used one memory although they only took up one Inventory slot. Delete, Delete, Delete.
Calendar was 13 months with 30 days each. The weeks were 6 days long and Monday was missing. Good. I don’t like Mondays. Especially since the days here are 26 hours long. I could also set appointments and reminders.
Clock was a basic clock with alarms and stopwatch function.
Notes was really cool though, it was like virtual paper. I could sketch things with my finger, or use thought-to-text, or even attach photos to the note and save them, which took up one Inventory slot per filename. The Export function created a thick piece of paper that appeared in my hand. Nice. Fire starting material!
It has an Import function too?
I created a new Note, then imported the mouldy book from my Inventory. It appeared as a virtual object in my vision that I could manipulate with a thought. Then I exported it. A popup appeared in my vision and I watched my Battery dip from 1560 down to 1460, then a duplicate appeared in my inventory. Sweet! I could set up shop as a magical print-wizard! Or work as a pack-mule, hauling entire warehouses of goods invisibly. I chuckled to myself imagining that.
However it took 100 battery points, so it wasn’t much of a cheat unless I could reproduce expensive texts. I wonder if it took 100 battery for everything, or if it was based on the complexity of the object?
System had some nice features included. One was Health Monitor, which gave me a general screen of any health issues. Notifications was also nice for popping up things that might be important. Nothing else of real importance, just some little tweaks to the User Interface and the ability to turn off the (8E) connection I had noticed earlier. Airplane mode, I guess.
Another hunch presented itself in the System and I opened up the language setting. English was currently selected. I scrolled through the selection and choose Arabic from the list. A slight wave of dizziness washed over me and I examined the unknown book again. Nope. Still unknown.
I sighed and flipped back to the language settings and noticed there’s an “Auto-Translate” selection. Mentally mashing the illusory button in my User Interface, another wave of dizziness washed over me. This time the unknown book had a tag on it. [Old Avestan - Translate? Y/N]
Duh, yes, translate! An old, unknown book hidden in a burned out room? That just screams Secret Book of Incredibly Over Powered Magic, doesn’t it? Annnnd… Nope. I flipped through the copy and it seems to be nothing more than some religious textbook. Beautifully illustrated, but I’m not getting any magic vibes off of it. I tossed it back in my inventory [Book. Zoroastrian religious text. Professionally Illustrated. 50SP] and continued my journey of self exploration.
When I enabled “Show Hidden Files” in System, it was absolutely terrifying. File names like “Digestion.dna”, “Endocrine.dna” and “Sensory.dna” filled my vision. I disabled that feature as soon as I realised what I was looking at. I’d hate to accidentally delete my sense of taste, or something even more important.
The Service tab under System was confusing. It seemed to be some sort of weird version of a mobile service plan that asked me to choose a Service Provider.
There were dozens of Service Providers to choose from; Industrial Charms & Enchantments, Whitehall Wizard Group, Sorcerer’s United, Atlantis Magic and Enchantment, and a slew of other providers with different tiers named after gemstones and the best offering being the Diamond Unlimited plan that offered ‘unlimited mana and roaming, some limits apply’ for an astronomical amount per month. I could see the service zones of each provider laid out across a map, along with colour coding for the quality of service ranging from 1E to 8E.
I could also choose from various Celestial or Infernal Contracts which had entire pages of TOS benefits and obligations. Another terrifying aspect of my new world.
I decided to dig into that mess later. I had no use for a service provider and picking one was a problem for future-me if I ever needed one.
The Gear icon opened up a minimalist overlay with a picture of me and the items I was wearing. Socks, shorts, underwear, tee-shirt. A mental twitch rotated the image and confirmed that my backside was just as filthy as the floor. Two buttons were visible next to my image, [Custom] and [Labourer]. I selected Labourer and the image shifted to show me wearing work boots, wool socks, denim trousers, leather belt, cotton underwear, cotton pull-over shirt, leather gloves, soft-brim hat. [Select? Y/N]
A mental push of the button and a million indigo motes surrounded me. Two seconds and 10 battery later I was wearing the new gear. And clean! All the grime on my arms and legs had vanished. Seriously, how awesome is that? I still feel like I need a shower though.
[Labourer class selected - Standard] Skills: Lifting, toting, stepping, fetching, shifting, digging, hauling, packing…
Knowledge of menial labour filled my head beyond what I was already familiar with. I somehow knew the most efficient ways to dig a ditch, safely shift a box, casually walk to the water cooler, and slack off while looking busy.
Huh. Did changing my gear change my class? That’s interesting. What happens if I put on a Wizard hat? Would I become some sort of hybrid day-labour wizard with spells for digging ditches? Oh, wait. I have five slots and can fill them with clothing and label them whatever I want.
I opened up the App Store.
Holy. Shitsnacks.
Dozens of icons filled my vision, offering a vast selection of what appeared to be careers? Professions? Classes? Skills?
Archivist, Accountant, Bartender, Book keeper, Cartwright, Con-artist, Farmhand, Herbalist, Hobo, Inn keeper, …Priest, Prostitute, Politician, …Sorcerer, Tailor, …Wizard, Zookeeper.
It was a huge and confusing array of choices.

I believe Leyndell was a very different place before Miquella, his handiwork, trinkets,blessed armors and weapons made of unalloyed gold and phylosophy realy makes me think he was the one who brought(at least tried to) reason to a borderline barbaric religion, but ended up learning its true terrible nature. There are many signs of subtle rebelion or stretching the rules that might be his doing, The biggest one is the statue that may turn into Marika by performing law of regression, I highly doubt the sculptor hired just saw him turn into Marika from a window, I suspect Miquella told them about Radagon's true nature, and before that Radagon explained EVERYTHING to Miquella. Miquella growing the Haligtree and learning more and more about the nature of their world in order to heal Malenia looks like the most likely scenario, but its still hard to determine if Mohg kidnapping him was part of the plan or Mohg is just a weirdo.
Smaller possible changes brought by Miquella:
the perfumers, they use alchemy and herbs to heal, Miquella must have passed on many of his studies when he tried to at least make pain killers for Malenia or those inflicted by rot
Miquella's lilies being cultivated in the capitol, those lilies are both very valuable and religious symbols so its hard to determine why were they cultivated there, their pressence suggests that Miquella was loved by many and his lilies are considered truly sacred by anyone. St Trina's lilies are a bit more complex but I think the same is true for them, intresstingly they often grow in places where great tragedies happened. I suspect these lilies are the same as Malenia's flower buds, unleashing their magic makes flowers grow.
White masks, they are mercy killers, and strangely drawn to Mohg, its not that big of a stretch that at some point they were Miquella's followers or just respected him in some way. The allure of a swift death or eternal sleep kind of come from the same place
Possible reason on why Miquella could have went along with Mohg kidnapping him:
I don't think he was powerless or needed the protection of Malenia at any point, he accepted her dedication as her sign of love. When we enter Malenia is asleep, possibly an enchantment put on her by Miquella/St Trina. Once Miquella foound some sort of conclusion he might have reached out for Mohg who communed with the formless mother. The formless mother could be related to that massive pile of corpses from the trailer, or the true nature of erdtrees. Its important to mention that Miquella knew more than us, he saw the whole picture, this may be an unreasonable conclusion from our limited perspective, but huge masses of bloody flesh and corpses are being fed to erdtrees, they need human flesh and blood. This conclusion might be justified by Law of regression, Miquella going back to the source of everything, the source was rivers of blood and mountains of corpses. Receiving omen blood could be a way to exit the cycle, discard his golden flesh. I like to think Mohg is actually a good guy framed as a weirdo who likes his little brother way too much.
As a conclusion I'd say we can expect to meet a benevolent mastermind in Miquella who is a lot like Goldmask but actually speaks, neither are afraid to face dire truths about their world, like gods themselves being a "fly in the ointment", or look for the truth no matter how dark it is

In the Name of God, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful.
Salam to everyone!
First, read part 1 and part 2 of this series before you read this part, because it is crucial if you want to understand everything.

Introduction:

As we approach the culmination of this chapter, the pieces of the puzzle are falling into place, and it is increasingly evident that this chapter is, as I initially suspected, a prophecy of the early Islamic era. The subsequent verses elucidate the subject matter with great clarity, focusing on a prophet, his dominion, and the sacred Covenant of Peace, along with all associated matters.
The individual responsible for shattering the unity of the Muslim community and violating the sacred Covenant is none other than Mu'awiyah, the manipulator. Mu'awiyah is a man who insidiously ascended to power, akin to a serpent, employing a deceitful strategy that involved falsehoods, massacres, and other nefarious tactics that only a corrupt and ruthless criminal would utilize. This will become abundantly clear as we delve deeper into this chapter.

Disclaimer: My stalker here on Reddit and my response...

As you are likely aware, there is an individual who has developed an unhealthy fixation with my posts and is persistently attempting to "expose" me and my articles, a situation that I find rather amusing. I have chosen to block this individual and totally ignore him due to his propensity for dishonesty, his relentless harassment of me in response to every post I make, and his penchant for highlighting even the most minor of errors that I may inadvertently commit, which he then exaggerates to an unwarranted degree.
Despite my numerous attempts to refute his claims, I have reached the end of my patience with him, as he continues to regurgitate the same arguments and refuses to acknowledge the limitations of his own understanding.
In this next section (part 3), the absurdity of individuals like him will become increasingly apparent, as it will be revealed that my initial assertions were, in fact, totally correct. I offer my heartfelt gratitude to God alone for guiding me towards this remarkable discovery and allowing me to share it with all of you.
To those of you who have commented in support of this individual and his baseless claims about me, I implore you to fear God! This person is not a Muslim and is deliberately spreading falsehoods against me and our Faith, yet you are choosing to side with him against your own brother in faith. I want to make you aware of the gravity of this.
However, there is no need to worry, as I believe that after reading this part of the series, you will humbly recognize how easily you can be deceived by individuals like him and never let it happen again. I extend my forgiveness to you, as you are still my brothers and sisters in Islam. Nonetheless, I strongly encourage you to bear this in mind as you move forward and to exercise greater discernment. The enemies of God will invariably resort to lies and fabrications in an attempt to undermine our faith and its true adherents. Their objective is to hinder the progress of Truth and to create obstacles in its path. It is crucial that we remain vigilant and steadfast in the face of such tactics.

Part 3, The End stages of the 1st Fitnah (Trial):

Verse 21:

"The next to come to power will be a despicable man who is not in line for royal succession. He will slip in when least expected and take over the kingdom by flattery and intrigue."

Interpretation:

• "The next to come to power": This phrase refers to Mu'awiyah, who managed to persuade Hasan to relinquish the Caliphate to him, thus becoming "The king of the north" in place of 'Ali, whereas he had previously been "king of the south."
• "A despicable man who is not in line for royal succession": Mu'awiyah was not a direct descendant of the Prophet Muhammad's family, unlike 'Ali. The fact that this chapter explicitly continues the narrative in this manner by mentioning specific details such as royal succession in leadership further supports the argument that it pertains to the early Islamic era, which was marked by numerous trials and tribulations related to leadership. Mu'awiyah was a highly reprehensible individual who ruthlessly seized power by taking the lives of countless believers. It is noteworthy that Sunnis regard him as a righteous man, despite the historical evidence that suggests otherwise and paints a picture of a man who was, in fact, highly despicable. They rely on their Hadiths, treating them as divine revelations, disregarding the fact that they could have been concocted by the adherents of Mu'awiyah in his support.
• "Slip in when least expected and take over the kingdom by flattery and intrigue": Mu'awiyah employed political scheming, deception, and strategic marriages to consolidate his power, ultimately becoming the first Umayyad Caliph in 661 AD.

Verse 22:

"With the force of a flood they shall be swept away from before him and be broken, and also the leader of the covenant."

Interpretation:

• "With the force of a flood": Symbolizes a powerful and overwhelming military force.
• "They shall be swept away from before him and be broken": Refers to their defeat to his schemes and/or campaigns.
• "also the leader of the covenant": This is Hasan, 'Ali's son, who was considered a rightful successor of the covenant that prophet Muhammad was given by God, the 'Covenant of Peace.' Hassan abdicated the caliphate to Mu'awiyah under a peace treaty and certain promises, promises that Mu'awiyah never fulfilled. It is very obvious that he was just a power-horny lunatic who lied and murdered his way to the top and thereby ruined both the Muslim reputation, the Holy Covenant of Peace and the Muslim unity as a whole.

The Covenant of Peace: God says in the Quran:

"Wherewith God guides all who seek His good pleasure to ways of the Peace (Subula as-Salam)" (5:15)

Why is God calling His ways as "ways of the Peace"? Just eight verses earlier, God says:

"And remember the blessing of God upon you and His Covenant by which He bound you when you said, 'We hear and we obey.' And fear God. Indeed, God is All-Knowing of what is in the hearts." (5:7)

Read more about our Covenant with God, the Covenant of Peace, here:
Link: Islam and Muslims in the Bible: You need to read these verses in Hebrew!!
This is an issue that has unfortunately been concealed from the Ummah, and I believe that individuals like Mu'awiyah are responsible for this. The reasons behind this will become increasingly apparent as we progress through the chapter. I plan to delve into this topic further in a future post on this subreddit, but for now, let us continue with our interpretation of the chapter.
Verse 23:

"And after the league is made with him he shall act deceitfully, for he shall come up and become strong with a small number of people."

Interpretation:

• "After the league is made with him": Refers to the peace treaty between Hasan and Mu'awiyah.
• "He shall act deceitfully": Mu'awiyah promising things and agreeing to peace treaties that he later broke, consolidating power in a deceitful manner. Perhaps even making himself bigger than he actually was by way of utilizing war tactics in a proficient manner.
• "Become strong with a small number of people": Mu'awiyah’s initial consolidation of power with loyal supporters in Syria, particularly the Banu Kalb tribe. His following was small compared to the vastness of the Ummah of the Muslims, but he grew to become great gradually by gaining more and more support. How he did this is made clear in the next verse.

Verse 24:

"He shall enter peaceably even into the richest places of the province; and he shall do what his fathers have not done, nor his forefathers: he shall disperse among them the plunder, spoil, and riches; and he shall devise his plans against the strongholds, but only for a time."

Interpretation:

• "Enter peaceably even into the richest places of the province": Mu'awiyah’s strategic and peaceful occupation of prosperous areas.
• "He shall do what his fathers have not done": ...
• "Disperse among them the plunder, spoil, and riches": Distributing wealth to gain loyalty and support. In fact, Sunnis claim that Ibn Umar said that "Muawiyah was the most generous person after Prophet" (Source)
• "Devise his plans against the strongholds, but only for a time": Strategic planning against remaining strongholds of opposition, but for a limited time.

Verse 25:

"He shall stir up his power and his courage against the king of the South with a great army; and the king of the South shall be stirred up to battle with a very great and mighty army; but he shall not stand, for they shall devise plans against him."

Interpretation:

• "He shall stir up his power and his courage against the king of the South": Mu'awiyah is now the king of the north, as I've explained earlier, because he took over that position (see verse: 21), so he is now waging war against the king of the south, namely Hasan, son of Ali, who was the king of the South, based in Mecca.
• "But he shall not stand": Indicates the ultimate failure of Hassan when he gave up the Caliphate.
• "They shall devise plans against him": The successful strategies of Mu'awiyah in convincing Hassan to give up the Caliphate to him, he did this as a result of deceitful planning they made, they even made his own supporters betray him, which the next verse speaks about.

Verse 26:

"Yes, those who eat of the portion of his delicacies shall destroy him; his army shall be swept away, and many shall fall down slain."

Interpretation:

• Hasan’s forces were plagued by internal divisions and a lack of unified support. The promises and bribes led to significant desertions from Hasan’s ranks. Notable commanders and influential figures abandoned Hasan, further weakening his military strength and morale. There were also plots against Hasan’s life from within his own camp. For instance, it is reported that some of his own supporters attempted to assassinate him, hoping that his death would force a settlement with Mu'awiyah or for their own gain.

Verse 27:

"Both these kings' hearts shall be bent on evil, and they shall speak lies at the same table; but it shall not prosper, for the end will still be at the appointed time."

Interpretation:

• "The two kings": Refers to Hasan ibn Ali and Mu'awiyah during their negotiations.
• "Hearts bent on evil": Indicates mutual distrust and ulterior motives.
• "Sit at the same table and lie to each other": During negotiations, both parties made deceptive promises.
• "To no avail, because an end will still come at the appointed time": The deceit did not change the ultimate predetermined outcomes.

Verse 28:

"While returning to his land with great riches, his heart shall be moved against the holy covenant; so he shall do damage and return to his own land."

Interpretation:

• "King of the North": Mu'awiyah, who ruled from Syria.
• "Return to his land with great wealth": Mu'awiyah’s accumulation of wealth and resources.
• "Heart set against the holy covenant": Mu'awiyah’s actions undermined the principles of Islamic unity.
• "Take action against it and then return to his own country": Mu'awiyah’s policies further divided the Muslim community before he returned to Damascus.

Verse 29:

"At the time appointed he shall return and come toward the south; but it shall not be as the former, or as the latter."

Interpretation:

• "he shall return and come toward the south": He will leave his base in Syria and return to Mecca in South.
• "but it shall not be as the former, or as the latter.": Implying that things will not be as they used to be and that the unity of the kingdom would be shattered and weakened.

Verse 30:

"Ships of the western coastlands will oppose him, and he will lose heart. Then he will turn back and vent his fury against the holy covenant. He will return and show favor to those who forsake the holy covenant."

Interpretation:

• "Ships of the western coastlands": This phrase refers to the Byzantine navy. The verse describes the end stages of the 'Siege of Constantinople' that took place in 655 CE, when Mu'awiyah was not necessarily defeated but was significantly weakened at sea by the Byzantine emperor. This forced Mu'awiyah to retreat back to his own territory.
• "He will lose heart": Reflects Mu'awiyah’s loss of morale and strategic position, and not a loss per say.
• "Turn back and vent his fury against the holy covenant": After retreating, Mu'awiyah directed his frustrations against the Muslim community, further undermining Islamic unity.
• "Show favor to those who forsake the holy covenant": Mu'awiyah rewarded those who supported his political maneuvers, even if it meant forsaking Islamic principles.

Historical Context and accuracy in my interpretation:

This verse is yet another piece of evidence that supports my interpretation, making it almost irrefutable at this point. It fits too well with the historical context and cannot possibly be referring to anything else.
Battle of the Masts (655 AD): This pivotal naval battle saw Byzantine Emperor Constans II leading a fleet against the Muslim forces off the coast of Lycia. Mu'awiyah's attempts to solidify control over the Mediterranean faced substantial Byzantine opposition, which led to a retreat back to Syria (Wikipedia)​.
Merrill & Baker write:

"The battle was part of the earliest campaign by Mu'awiya, the governor of Syria, to reach Constantinople and is considered to be "the first decisive conflict of Islam on the deep""

Source: Ridpath, John Clark. Ridpath's Ual History, Merrill & Baker, Vol. 12, New York, p. 483.
Shaun O'Sullivan writes:

"The siege was unsuccessful, however, due to a fierce storm that sank the ships with war machines aboard, an event the Romans attributed to divine intervention. The land force led by Muawiyah in Chalcedon, having lost their artillery and siege engines, returned to Syria thereafter."

Source: O'Sullivan, Shaun (2004-01-01). "Sebeos' account of an Arab attack on Constantinople in 654
It is truly remarkable how detailed this prophecy is and how it perfectly aligns with the events of early Islamic history. I have never before encountered a prophecy that has been so thoroughly fulfilled. The verse even specifies that "He will lose heart" rather than stating that he will lose the battle against them, which, according to historical accounts, is precisely what happened. Mu'awiyah's motivation and will to continue waned.

• "Show regard for those who forsake the holy covenant": This portion of the verse provides further evidence that the Mighty king mentioned in verses 3-4 was, in fact, sent by God, as indicated by the reference to the "Holy Covenant." Jewish rabbis, Christian scholars, and translators have attempted to claim that this chapter is about Alexander the Great, Antiochus Magnus, and others, but this verse confidently refutes that interpretation. It is clear that the prophecy pertains to a prophet or messenger of God who brought forth a Holy Covenant, rather than mere ancient kings and rulers. The only individual in history (after the Covenant with the Jews) who brought a Holy Covenant from God was the Prophet Muhammad. The new covenant is the Covenant of Peace, which is the essence of Islam. The Arabic term for Islam, "Sin-Lam-Mim," has "Salam" (Peace) as one of its definitions.

Verse 31:

"And strong ones stand up out of him, and have defiled the sanctuary, the stronghold, and have turned aside the continual [sacrifice], and appointed the desolating abomination."

Interpretation:
This above is from the "Literal Standard Version," and they have added the word [sacrifice] but it is not there in the Hebrew verse. The verse is simply saying:

"(they have) turned aside the continual"

It is a continual/continuity (something done constantly) they turned aside in the sanctuary, i.e. the Kaaba, as you shall now see:

Mu'awiyah the innovator:

A Sunni Imam called Shafi’i quotes from (allegedly) Zuhri in book “al- Um” that he said:

Ibn Hazm writes in the book “al- Mahalli” that: “the Umayyads innovated going late for prayer of Eid, preferring oration to prayer and saying Adhan and Iqamah (declaration of standing for prayer) for prayer of Eid."

Source: al- Mahalli, vol. 5, p. 82.
Mu'awiyah and his deviant supporters "turned aside" the 'îd prayer and preferred the oration (i.e. Khutbah, preaching) so they could brainwash the Muslim community while having them all gathered.

• The definition of the word ''îd":

The word "Eid" comes from the Arabic root ع و د (ʿ-w-d),
Ibn al-A’rabi stated:

"Because it returns every year with renewed joy, the origin of which is the oud."

Source: Al-Barakatī, al-Taʿrīfāt al-Fiqhīya
"Oud" carries the meaning of "to return" and "to recur," and "continuance":

Root: عود
A 1 عَادَ إِلَيْهِ, (S, A, O, TA,) and لَهُ, and فِيهِ, (TA,) aor. ـُ (S, O,) inf. n. عَوْدٌ and عَوْدَــةٌ, (S, O, K, TA,) which latter is also an inf. n. of un., (TA,) and مَعَادٌ, (K, TA,) He, or it, returned to it, (S, A, O, K, * TA,) namely, a thing: (TA:) or, accord. to some, the verb is differently used with فِى and with other preps.: (MF, TA:) [with فى it seems generally to imply some degree of continuance, in addition to the simple meaning of the verb alone:] one says, عاد الكَلْبُ فِى قَيْئِهِ The dog returned to his vomit: (Msb in art. رجع:) and عاد لَهُ بَعْدَ مَا كَانَ أَعْرَضَ عَنْهُ [He returned to it after he had turned away from it]

Source: Arabic-English Lexicon by Edward William Lane (d. 1876)
I am truly at a loss for words. I cannot adequately express my awe and fascination with this entire prophecy. It is simply breathtaking. All I can say is, "Wow!" I am profoundly grateful to God for guiding us to Islam and for urging us to follow the Quran alone, and for protecting us from what verse 4 stated in this Chapter.
Mu'awiyah and his followers introduced numerous innovations, one of which was prioritizing the oration over the prayer during 'Îd. This verse emphasizes this particular innovation because it is of the utmost importance in the eyes of God that we, at the very least, perform the rituals of His religion without neglecting them. It should not be necessary for Him to delineate the etiquettes of these rituals in the Quran for us to collectively remember and perform them in His praise, adoration, and submission. And that such an early Caliph did this to His faith is beyond an abomination.
Let us proceed.
Verse 32:

"He shall seduce with flattery those who violate the covenant, but the people who know their God shall stand firm and take action."

Interpretation:

• "those who violate the covenant,": Supporters and descendants of Mu'awiyah.
• "He shall seduce with flattery": Mu'awiyah’s use of political maneuvering, distributal of booty to gain support.
• "the people who know their God shall stand firm and take action": Refers to those who remain faithful to the covenant, the real Muslims.

Verse 33:

"And those of the people who understand shall instruct many; yet for many days they shall fall by sword and flame, by captivity and plundering."

Verse 34:

"Now when they fall, they shall be aided with a little help; but many shall join with them by intrigue."

Verse 35:

"And some of those of understanding shall fall, to refine them, purify them, and make them white, until the time of the end; because it is still for the appointed time."

Interpretations:

• "Some of those of understanding shall fall": Leaders and scholars facing hardship and possibly executions.
• "To refine them, purify them, and make them white": Trials serving as a purification process.
• "Until the time of the end": These events leading up to a significant conclusion.
• "Because it is still for the appointed time": The final outcome is predetermined and will occur at the designated time.

This section reflects the trials and tribulations faced by leaders and followers who stayed true to their faith, despite facing severe persecution. The interpretation suggests a narrative of enduring faith and eventual vindication aligned with early Islamic history, particularly in the struggles and eventual success of the Umayyad Caliphate and the continued resistance by the descendants of prophet Muhammad.
It is no secret that Muawiyah massacred the Muslims to reach the top. That he unalived scholars who spoke against his actions and his dominion is a given.

Mu'awiyah is portrayed as the "Dajjal":

Verse 36:

“Then the king will do as he pleases, and he will exalt and magnify himself above every god and will speak astonishing things against the God of gods; and he will succeed until the indignation is finished, for that which is decreed will be done.

Interpretation:
He is being described as Sunni Hadiths describe Dajjal.
Do you understand now why I am convinced that the Sunni Hadiths have been transmitted to us by the enemies of God, most likely rabbis and Christian monks? They took notice of this prophecy and manipulated the Sunnis into believing that a "Dajjal" would emerge in the End Times, coinciding with the return of "Jesus" (despite the fact that God has not even mentioned Jesus' return). They deliberately fostered this belief in the return of Jesus and linked it to the appearance of this Dajjal for a specific purpose. Their objective was to prevent Muslims from connecting the dots and realizing that this chapter is, in fact, referring to Mu'awiyah.
There's even Sunni Hadiths saying that the Dajjal would appear in the time of the companions, ironic enough.

He will not regard any Gods, prophet Muhammad or women:

Verse 37:

"He will show no regard for the gods of his ancestors or for the one desired by women, nor will he regard any god, but will exalt himself above them all."

Interpretation:
This verse has been mistranslated by all of them. The Hebrew verse states:

"ועל־אלהי אבתיו לא יבין ועל־חמדת נשים ועל־כל־אלוה לא יבין כי על־כל יתגדל:"

They have rendered "ועל־חמדת נשים" as "The one desired by women" while "חמדת" (HEMDAT) is a proper name in Hebrew, and not a noun. "Hemdat" (חמדת) is a Hebrew male first name (attestation) that is cognate with Mohammed/Ahmed. They have added the word "by" to make it "by women" while it is not even there in the Hebrew.
"Hemdat" here is of course referring to our prophet. He would not regard any God, not regard our prophet Ahmad/Muhammad, not regard women, and would exalt himself above all, just like the Dajjal is described in Sunni narrations:
The verse is actually literally saying:

"He will show no regard for the gods of his ancestors, Hemdat, women, nor any other god, but will exalt himself above all."

The word נָשִׁ֛ים (nā·šîm) in Hebrew simply means "women" in the plural form. The phrase "Hemdat Nashim" should not be combined, and even if it were, it would not translate to "Desired one by women." Hemdat is a proper name, while "Nashim" is a separate word, mentioned separately in the plural form.
This marks the end of part 3, and the remaining portion of this chapter consists of general statements. I am unsure if I will create a part 4, but we shall see.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, and please consider sharing it and liking it. May God bless you.
/ By your brother, Exion.

The world has gone mad.
Global pandemic. Civil protests. Riots. Inept leadership. Corruption. Propaganda. World powers shifting uneasily as tensions rise. World War III feels like it’s just one wrong move away.
And I’m trapped here in my crappy little apartment because of quarantine.
Well, not trapped exactly. I could go out and participate in socially distant activities, or join the protests downtown, but I’m too damn depressed to get off the sofa. With everything shut down, I’m currently laid-off temporarily and living on the last of my savings, which consists mostly of ramen and canned veggies. My current hobbies include selling everything I own for rent money, lying on a sofa that was abused by a fraternity back in the 80s, and distracting myself with a crappy smartphone that was outdated when I bought it three years ago. I’ve sold everything else. Television, game console, tablet, computer, and all my games. Material things don’t matter when you don’t have a place to store them.
“I’m not a loser,” I whisper to myself. “I’m not stupid. I’m a hard worker. I’m just stressed and depressed as fuck.”
A century ago I could have just headed out into the wilderness and been a prospector, panning for gold and silver in the hills. I could have hired out as a cowboy, riding the open range and herding the cattle for one of the big ranches. Or been a hired gun. Or a bounty hunter. Considering how desperate I am right now, I would probably fall into a gang of outlaws robbing stage coaches and banks, vanishing across the border to drink and gamble until the money was gone.
Good thing I’m not much of a drinker, I guess.
\Ding**
A text interrupts my idle contemplation of shadows on the ceiling. Lifting my crappy smartphone off my chest, I thumb open the message app. It’s a group text from my boss at iBox Co.
“Hey guys. I know this is a horrible way to deliver the news, but I gotta close the business. Thanks for all the hard work and good luck in the future.”
I drop the phone back onto my chest and it pulses faintly with the beating of my heart.
\Ding**
I check the new text. It’s from my mobile service provider.
“Your automatic bill pay has failed. Please update your account or call the service department.”
Well, duh. No job, no money. No money, no life. Rent due at the end of the week. Supposedly they can’t evict you during quarantine, but they said nothing about the land lord disconnecting the water and power. John down in apartment 2B has been living like a caveman for the last 3 weeks, stubbornly refusing to move out. I wonder if that’s how I’ll end up? Alone in the dark, cooking ramen over a candle.
\Ding**
\Ding**
\Ding**
A quiet rage builds in my gut. Bad news, bad news, bad news. Nothing but bad news and more bad news. Estranged from my divorced parents because I refused to pick sides. Kicked out of college for poor academic performance. Scholarship gone. Girlfriend gone. Job gone. Money gone.
Frustrated at my helplessness, I clench my fist around the phone and fling it behind me.
\Smash**
“Ah shit,” I grumble aloud, instantly regretting my impulsive action and rolling over to survey the damage.
The remains of a fancy framed mirror I had bought for a few bucks at an estate sale hung on the wall, smashed into pieces with my smartphone sticking through it like a ninja star. “How the heck did that happen?” I asked myself, staring in disbelief. I liked that mirror. It was one of the first non-essential purchases I had made after I moved in and I thought it gave the otherwise bare wall some needed character. Now it was shattered into pieces just like everything else in my life.
Crawling off the ratty sofa, I walked over to examine the damage. Pieces of thick glass hung from the frame like jagged teeth, reflecting my too-skinny body in a dozen slivers of reality. My cheap smartphone was embedded in the middle of the mirror and apparently halfway into the wall behind it. Prying away a few shards of glass to survey the damage, a strange pattern was revealed on the wood panel underneath the glass. Wriggling a larger piece loose cost me a nasty slice on my finger and I sucked on it while picking away the remainder of the glass. When everything was clear, my phone was revealed to be smashed through a silvery spiderweb of lines and symbols, apparently merged with the wall like a piece of modern art.
I tried to pull it loose with my good hand, but it was wedged in there tight. Gripping with both hands I tugged and twisted until it was slick with blood from my finger. “What the actual hell?” I said, peering at point where the phone merged with the wood backing of the mirror and the wall. I ran my fingers around the edge of the phone, trying to find where it was stuck and smearing the entire area with bloody fingerprints until it looked like a crime scene.
I gripped it again with both hands and began tugging.
\Ringtone**
My phone began to buzz and vibrate in my hand while the melody of a popular AOP song played. The strange silvery pattern my phone was embedded in lit up like a Christmas tree, glowing with thousands of colours that began chasing each other in time with the music. I instinctively jerked away, but my hands were stuck to the phone.
I couldn’t let go. My fingers were welded to the device! Panicked, I flopped around like a fish on a hook as the bluish light crawled over the phone and up my arms. Some force yanked me into the wall up to my elbows and I started screaming like a little girl with a wasp in her hair.
Then it pulled me completely into the wall.
I disintegrated into a cloud of artificial confetti, falling through synthetic colours and genetically modified sounds. Nothing made sense. The world was a boiling pot of salty madness and I was a shattered jar of elbow macaroni. Eternity passed in a cloud of steam.
“Ah, poor lost thing. What are you doing here?”
A soothing voice laid a foundation for my consciousness and I grabbed at it.
plehhhellephelpeeemeehelpmme
“You are near dissolution. I’ll do my best.”
Invisible fingers pushed and tugged and squeezed and formed the clay of my existence back into me. The last few months of my life flipped by, an embarrassing montage of manga, anime, Red Dead Redemption, and masturbation. Lots of masturbation.
“I’ve done everything I could. I’ll send you through your destination, or close to it. Your kind is not meant to be here without a guardian, remember that.”
Glass shattered into a million fragments as I emerged from that dark realm and tumbled across the ground.
I sucked in a deep breath, choking on soot and the distinct aroma of bird shit.
When the world stopped whirling around me, I opened my eyes. Above me were burnt rafters covered in bird shit and the remains of a roof. Sunlight painted one soot-covered stone wall in the golden hues of a summer afternoon. After a moment, I realised that I felt pretty good. Really good. Like I could run a marathon. Climbing to my feet, I wiped my grimy hands on my shirt. The back was probably a ruin of shit and soot already, so keeping the front clean didn’t make sense.
The room was a ruin. A fire had obviously raged through here some time ago. A wood chair was collapsed in a corner near a fireplace, along with what appeared to be the remains of a table. Shattered bits of glass were scattered all around a large ornate standing mirror frame, the one that I had apparently exited from. A large mound of mushrooms and ferns grew in another corner on what was possibly a bed at one time. Behind me a fire ravaged door hung on blackened timbers.
*System Restart\*
I blinked at the text hanging in the air.

Hello everybody.
If you are reading this, you might be in the same shoes as I am. This post is to put out my story on how one can do nothing but the best for their significant other, but in the end, it means nothing, and they end the relationship just when it looks like the future is bright. This is my story:
So my story begins in October of 2020. I was in a pit of depression and loneliness due to the lockdowns enforced during the virus. I was about a year after a breakup from a 2-year relationship. I decided to go onto a social media app and search for people to chat with and call et cetera because Covid was not fun. One day I got a notification that I had made a new friend on this app. This girl was beautiful, with a lovely smile, long hair, and bright blue eyes. We hit it off immediately and within 3 hours of talking, I got their Snapchat. Immediately we started calling and in no time we were calling for hours on end. It was great fun as we had a good few things in common. We called for about 2 weeks straight, and one day I asked them if they would be interested in going out with me. They had no problem with it as they were single and bored due to the lockdown. We hit it off immediately with the usual honeymoon phase in the early stages of a relationship. No arguments, no fights, no nothing. Only love and respect for one another. It wasn't until mid-November that we planned to meet up. I cycled out towards their house, it was about a 30-minute cycle, and to say I was nervous as hell is no understatement. When I arrived she came out to greet me, her father followed shortly after, I did get to meet her parents over Zoom which was enjoyable to speak to them before meeting them. Her father was a prison officer, and her mother was a nurse. Her father came out and regardless of the virus, we shook hands. My ex got her bike and we decided to cycle to the forest to go on a walk. We dropped the bikes off at her grandfather's shed and walked the rest. During the walk in the forest, we held hands for the first time, my palms were bucketing sweat but she didnt mind it. By the end of the walk, we went into her grandparent's house. Meeting her grandparents was lovely, they were so kind and generous, evening offering tea (if you couldn't tell this was an Irish household) to warm up after the walk. We finished up, cycled back towards her house, and at the end of it all, we hugged and said our goodbyes. It was sweet and very enjoyable.
That was the start of it all, 2 and a half years later it was all gone.
We did everything together, going to sleep while on the call, discussing movies and documentaries, talking about makeup, basically everything you could. I spent time with her siblings be it kicking a football or playing Mario Kart on the Wii. I helped her babysit her nieces on numerous occasions, even sleeping over while watching the little ones for hours. I was invited to a small holiday with her family to a lake in a nearby county. It was all perfect. All of her family and friends kept joking asking "When is the wedding?", That was how close they all thought we were. That is genuinely how close we were and how much in love we were in also. We rarely fought, only big thing that blew up was over other people on her Snapchat, one day she told me about her past and how there was another account she hadn't opened in ages. I opened it and had seen that many lads had been sending "pictures" to that account. I dealt with it swiftly and she thanked me for it. But one day I was on her phone when I saw this account, this person was sending questionable texts to them and I questioned what they were talking about, I read more into it and the other person had joked about s*x in a manner I would deem a little inappropriate to be sent to someone in a relationship, so I asked my ex if they could not text them regarding that topic. Of course, they said it was only a mess, but there were emojis and texts I didnt see as a joke. I swiftly asked them to stop texting this person as I didnt want them discussing that stuff with this person, of course when it came to "that" part of our relationship. Of course they said "I can he is a good friend". This argument came up twice more and I had enough. I asked my ex to just block them not in a demanding or controlling manner, but to relegate any sneaky actions (nothing occurred with this person anyway).
At one stage we had planned a holiday for the summer when I had finished my final exams, but this never happened as I had a good opportunity to play sports with a high-level club. We helped each other study and prepare for exams etc. When I finished my final exams I passed on all of my folders and study notes to help them and their younger brother prepare for the same exams (I still haven't got the folders back). But when I moved off to college she was upset, as she felt that it would be difficult to see each other, but I promised I would take every opportunity to see them or call them. I did that as much as I could up until I had my end-of-year exams. It was here when shit hit the fan.
On a late Tuesday I received a video call from my ex after a training session, they seemed distant and a little cold. They cut to the chase and said that we needed to break up. I asked why? Because I wasn't making enough of an effort to see them, and they were tired of waiting for me to text/call. There wasn't much I could do seeing as Monday-Friday I was in college until 5. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I had training at 6:30. On Mondays and Wednesdays I had Gym at 6. On Fridays, I dedicated myself to finishing off lab reports or studying for exams, and on Saturdays I had games. There wasn't much else I could do. I was heartbroken of course, and they said that we could still be friends after it all. I did ask if there was still a chance but they said not at the moment as they had exams.
Not too long after this Tuesday, I heard from one of her friends that she had done something bad, I asked what exactly happened and I was informed that she had met some lad in a different town. They kissed and held hands. My I and my ex were still talking and when I asked why they did it, their reason was "to not feel shit about the relationship". They later then admitted that they sent "pictures" to this same person. I could tell you now if I got my hands on this lad... Anyways, so eventually around March they wanted to go on a no-contact break to focus on their exams. Before this happened I rang them one Saturday when I was home and broke down, telling them that I was in disarray, losing them at the time was unbearable and I loved them with all my heart and my soul. I loved them for treating me like family and so much more. After I expressed all my feelings and thoughts they were visibly upset, but they said that this break would do me good and that whatever comes around after the exams I will be ready for it. I took it on the chin and accepted it. I told them I would be waiting for them come the end of the exams. I wished them the best of luck with the exams, and I told them I loved them one last time before we cut all contact.
It was after this that I fell into a horrible depression, I was all over the place and was struggling emotionally, physically, and mentally. My ex got wind of this and immediately contacted me to talk. I told them that I couldn't do the no-contact as I felt like I was losing a loved one. I told them straight up that it feels like they have passed away and no longer are part of my life. They told me if I wanted to meet up one day. I bounced at this opportunity to see them. I cycle out towards her house just like all the times I used to. I stopped halfway and they met me shortly afterwards. I was visibly upset and couldn't hold back tears, they saw me and came up and hugged me. I didn`t want to let go because in my head it might be the last time I ever get to hold them. I broke down telling them how much of a mess I was mentally and emotionally. We spoke and they said it'll be a short while until they would be back.
We finished up and just before leaving we did our little handshake again. I looked into her eyes one last time and all our memories flashed before me. I welled up as she was walking away. She waved as she drove past. The break would suit me, so I focused on myself during the break. I found a psychiatrist to talk to, I started finding new things to distract myself, and ultimately I focused on myself during it all. Fast forward to my birthday and I'm out on a night out with a few friends, I met with one of my friends who was dating a close friend of my ex. Ex came up with the topic and asked how are they doing, he told me that they had found someone new and might be in a new relationship. My heart sank to my ankles. I fell apart that night, and with alcohol in my system I was a complete MESS. I couldnt sleep that night. Upon hearing this news I knew that everything I had been told was a lie, as my friend had told me that my ex had started seeing this new guy around the start of April (around the time I fell into the depression above). That was some way to ruin your 20th birthday. That morning (around 5 am) I sent a long paragraph to her mother who I still had on my phone. I thanked them for the last 2.5 years, for accepting me into their family, loving me as a son, and trusting me to love and protect their daughter. I had admitted that I one day wished to marry their daughter wishing I could make her my wife. I broke down writing and sending the paragraph.
That was the last time I spoke to any of her family.
Almost a year after the breakup I received a notification on Snapchat, I checked and low and behold it's my ex. With it were the two following messages:
"Hi, so I'm probably the last person you want to be getting a request from or message from and I completely understand but I felt the need to reach out and I don't even know if you would add me back or reply but I wanted to apologize properly because I literally broke your heart and its been bugging me lately because it`s been over a year and I only realized now that it wasn't the best idea but at the time it felt like the only way to do it. I put 0 thought into it but I couldn't stay with you for a number of reasons and I know this sounds one-sided and it probably is but everything happens for a reason, honestly, I nearly chickened out of this but I felt I had to say something. Sorry it took so long."
"I'm sorry the way we ended the way we did, I thought that if we did break up it would be on nicer terms and that maybe we could`ve been friends, after everything that happened I know that wasn't the best situation, I`ve been doing a lot of reflecting back on everything and as bad as it sounds I think the only way I could have ended it was the way I did and I did love you of course I did but for me, the relationship felt like a prison in some aspects I know you might not have felt it and I definitely should've talked about it more but I felt like I did and it was knocked and I'm in a new relationship and the comparison is very slim in terms of how I am obviously I don't expect a response or anything but I feel like I'm living in the past and I'm ready to put it behind me I'm not sure if you're the same but thought id say it anyways."
After all this, I am the one that sacrificed shit to be there for her. I am not jealous anymore, I couldn't care to be honest at this stage. I have a holiday to South Africa planned soon so I am going to go enjoy my well-deserved holiday abroad for 2 weeks and focus on myself until I feel like I am somewhat ready to be on the dating scene again.
At the end of all of this, I did my very best for this girl who I thought was the one for life. I was wrong. But for those reading this, if you are going through a breakup and are struggling, it is okay to feel down, but if you need to vent or let off some steam, do not be afraid to talk to someone. Talking helps in so many ways, more than one would think. I hope only the best for those going through their rough patches.
It's the 29th of May when I post this, I just turned 21, and I started dating this person when I was 17. I shared my 18th and 19th with them. I am in a better headspace now and have a little more confidence than I did last year.
Thank you to those who have read this.
Wishing you all the best.
Cheers.

So a long while ago maybe like 4-5 years ago I used to hang around some “friends” who were definitely some bad influences and always getting into trouble and what not I luckily never got into any trouble I’m thankful I have a clean record and never been in a fight before or anything
But basically one of these guys decided he wanted to start a “gang” and let me make this clear I was not part of it but I did foolishly still hang around them like a dumbass and well shortly after he started it he for some reason wanted to start a fight with a real local gang
There were many group chats made with my group and theres and a lot of shit talking going on and dissing eachother and stuff although at the time they didn’t seem like they were the official gang members just the kids representing them but they still are part of the gang
But basically I was being absolutely moronic and started talking shit to even tho I knew I wasn’t going to fight anyone and I didn’t want to have problems but I wanted to fit in and be cool so I talked a lot of shit I only said things like “fight me b1tchh” or “your a “p4ssy” I kept it pretty simple as far as I can remember and I never disrespected anyone family or dead friends if anything I only even talked smack to one person
But furthermore recently I remembered this entire event and have been scared out of my mind that if they recognize me outside they’ll try to harm me and I want to believe they don’t care about me because I didn’t get really disrespectful with them but at the same time the ppl I was friends with were dissing there family dead friends and gang
But after recently further inspecting it seems that after that one day of me talking a lot of crap I just never got brought up again mostly because I got scared since one of them sent a picture of me and said he is gonna catch me and beat my ass I did continue to act hard after but I wasn’t really gonna do shit anyway
I have been thinking over and over about if I should text the guy who texted me and apologize or if I should let it be and pray nobody tries to hurt me
Another crazy thing is that almost everyone in town is associated with that gang and that gang has like 3 other gangs in the same team
I just please need someone to tell me how to proceed am I just fucked and I should be counting my days and saying goodbye or is there something I can do to make amends
I know it’s been years and I was a kid at the time but I doubt those thugs care I just hope they know I was never part of any gang
If you have anything you want to know please tell me I’ll try my best to answer I did try to add everything I could but I missed a few thin

Whew, I typed ALOT.. and feel as if I didn’t type ENOUGH.. lol.. here goes…
Ex (39f) and I (37m) dated for roughly 7 months last year. We both have two kids. She broke up with me in Sep of 2023 saying she didn’t want to add two kids into her life. I was devastated. I did the thing of starting dating someone new within a month.
Nov of 2023, my ex gf reaches out to me. I meet with her, she clarifies why she broke up with me again in person. She said it was for closure.
Last week of 2023, ex gf reaches back out to me. Confesses her love. Says she wants to try again. I’m confused, it was very sudden and very much a lot.
At this time, I am still dating a new woman. This is where I really messed up. I very much wanted to still be with my ex gf, but I had serious reservations. I didn’t break it off with the new woman. I dated both of them for a month until they found out about one another. I have seriously accepted that I really, really fucked up here. I could give a million reasons why I couldn’t work up the courage to break it off with the new girl - past trauma, etc… ultimately, it was a really shitty thing I did and I have taken full accountability for my actions.
Once they found out about one another, I’ve cut ties the new woman. I’ve found a new therapist who has given me some amazing direction. I am actively and incessantly working on doing the work so I never find myself in the position to do what I’ve done to hurt people like that again.
My ex-gf has stayed in contact with me since then and has been incredibly supportive of me the past 4 months. She and I have not been romantically involved, but have occasionally seen each other for dinner here and there. She had told me many times that she needed me and wanted me over those months, but couldn’t be in a relationship with me again.
About a month ago, she purchased a house. I had went no-contact, I couldn’t focus on what I needed to work on on myself if I was constantly involved with her. She was overwhelmed with the move and the new house and asked me to help.
I ended up helping a lot. Moving several car fulls and truck fulls of things, disassembling and reassembling furniture, getting dinner and food for her and her kids, making sure they had everything they needed. Trying to help alleviate the overwhelming pressure of being a first time home-owner, and helping her deal with a flooded basement upon move in.
With spending a lot of time together and helping her so much she admitted she was wanting to re-evaluate our relationship. I set boundaries, one of them being that I didn’t want to have sex with her. The other being that we shouldn’t see each other so often once the move was completed.
Last week, Monday, she asked me to come over to watch a show and help with some other things around the house and dinner. I obliged. There was some touching and kissing, I went home early.
Tuesday, she asked the same thing. I obliged. More of the same. She said she really, really wanted me. I told her no, but did provide oral sex. She said she was unsatisfied with that, I went home early.
Wednesday, she asked the same thing as the previous two nights. I said it may be best if I take the night to myself and do some reading, writing and journaling to recuperate. I stayed home.
Thursday, she typically has choir practice. She cancelled and asked me to come over. I came over, we did the same. I’m a guy who enjoys providing oral sex.. so I was OK with just doing that. She again was not. She became very distraught and indignant with my boundary. Saying that it was unfair and ridiculous that I would withhold actual sex from her. I caved, and I shouldn’t have.
Friday, we’re texting a lot. We’re talking about possible future plans and things are moving pretty quickly back into relationship status. I’m getting more into the swing of resuming a sexual relationship and she abruptly cuts me off saying “There has been too much focus on sex.” So, I drop it. She asks me to come over that night, I come over, we had a great evening. No sex, but I stay the night.
Saturday, all day we’re working on cleaning out boxes and and decluttering the new house. She doesn’t want me to touch her all day. Her daughter has a theater awards show, I attend with her. She’s very overwhelmed with dealing with both of her daughters all afternoon and evening. That evening, I stay the night again and she still doesn’t want to be touched. I’m ok with that, the day and night was very overstimulating for both of us.
This is where things go off the rails this past week. At 1 am, we’re both awoken by her younger daughter being obnoxious with a friend of hers that was sleeping over. I look over in bed half asleep, see her texting a lot and an image. My brain immediately goes to : she’s texting someone and she sent them a picture of her in bed next to me. I ask who the guy is, and she becomes very upset with me. I had said to her “did I do something wrong? It looks like you’re texting someone and sending selfies?” Turns out it was a selfie her daughter had sent her, (makes sense - the image was on the left, not the right..) and she was texting her daughter to go to bed.
In the morning, Sunday, she tells me she doesn’t want to see me anymore because I accused her of texting someone. I understand, and given the history, it seems pretty shitty of me to assume so. I clarified that while it may have been an accusation, it wasn’t from a place of malice. I was just concerned that she didn’t want to talk to me about what may be on her mind or what she was overwhelmed about. And we had both had a long, strenuous day, had woken up in middle of the night and that is just what it had looked like to me at first glance and it hurt me at first so I wanted to talk about it if that were the case. Especially since we hadn’t even yet talked about exclusivity and that it was just assumed.
I wanted to resume the conversation and clarify those things. She did not. I left and went home. I had left my iPad at her house when leaving.
In the days since, she has continued to contact me about things with the house and checking on on me and what I’m doing. I’ve been stand-offish because I believe we both need our space to consider what to do next about possibly moving forward. I confided in her last night (Monday night) that I absolutely want a future with her. She never responded, and left me on read.
Today (Tuesday) in the afternoon I had some time away from work and said I would be by to grab my iPad when she was home for lunch. I stop by, grab my iPad and leave.
She immediately texts me that “that was pretty brief, huh?” And I don’t respond. I’m not sure what to say or do and I had a lot going on today with work and kids once I got back to the office and then home. I text her back in the evening, “I’m confused and emotionally exhausted.”
She said when I stopped by it made her feel bad because I was being awkward. I told her that if she wanted more from that exchange that she could have initiated, said or done anything. She says “I felt brushed off. You left very quickly.” It became an evening of back and forth texting, lots of accusing me of “not being ready” and all the ways I had hurt her.
Not all of it untrue. There is still a lot I am learning and working on, and I was very open and honest about that when we were talking about restarting the relationship. I mentioned it was hurtful of her to not respect the boundaries I had set, but did take accountability for the fact that I didn’t enforce them.
She gave me the “I’m sorry you feel that way” spiel. I told her that that coupled with her not taking my boundaries that I communicated seriously was hurtful. I was then met with “this is ridiculous, I don’t want to have this conversation anymore,” “we’re both very hurt and emotional right now,” and “I’m not ready to continue this conversation right now.”
A large basis of our relationship the past year has been focused around her, how she is so tired because she is a single mom. I’m a single dad, I have my kids 50% of the time and I’m so active in my kids’ lives, but I don’t bring that up because she does have her kids 100% of the time and the kids’ dad isn’t in their life but maybe a couple days every other month. So, I’m typically very understanding of that and it’s part of why I offer to help so much. I feel as if my needs and emotions aren’t even part of her equation. That coupled with my actions at the beginning of the year make me feel as if I am obligated to allow the imbalance I feel.
The more I write this out, the more I understand and feel I should just leave all of this behind and move on. But, once you get to know someone like that and their kids, the hooks dig in so deep. I still care so deeply for her and her kids, and my own trauma and issues come from childhood neglect.. and part of me just feels so deeply for her and her kids’ situation.
So.. I guess I’m just looking for different perspectives. What is the best way to go with all of this? Do I just leave well enough alone and deal with the heartbreak? Do I continue to try to salvage this mess? A huge part of me absolutely wants to, but the other part of me tells me I’m being an idiot.

Has anyone else had a similar experience?
TLDR: RJ, but turned into a weird game by partners ex. AITA? Have you had any experience with compulsions building over years? How did you overcome them? Have you struggled with RJ and body dysmorphia?
My boyfriend & I have been dating for over 4 years. Whenever we first started dating he showed me a picture of his ex & would talk about his ex gf what felt like me to be all the time. She was in every story he told & every old photo. At the time I had just gotten out of a relationship where the guy was obsessed with and constantly compared me to his ex. This felt kind of normal to me. I began to look at her social media. I wanted to know her and the version of my boyfriend she knew… I was jealous that she was and would always be his first love & first time. I hated that I thought she would always be special to him.
What was RJ turn into something else a year into our relationship, when she called my boyfriend randomly. He didn’t answer, and he immediately blocked her number. Green flags right? Yes, but it also made me wonder what her motives were… did she want him back? Had he done something to make her think he was available? Did he want her back? If she asked for him back, would he go? I began to investigate her on social media, and one time accidentally requested to follow her- I tried to take it back immediately, but she had already seen it.
She knew I was watching and she liked it. She later told me she thought of it like a game, I did too at first. She started communicating with me through the captions of her photos. It was mostly like “Hello,” “Welcome back.” My favorite was “feeling obsessive yet?” This moved from one social media platform to eventually tiktok. I was curious if she was watching me there too, so I thought I would experiment by creating tiktoks with the same sounds to see if she said anything- and it was like… a literal competition for likes. She noticed and she posted about me, multiple times. I blocked her and unblocked her repeatedly (to see if she was posting about me) after this. Apparently I happened to use the same audio as one of her friends, and this deeply offended her- she then decided to reach out to my boyfriend from various phone numbers sending him “proof” that I was copying her, none of which included the parts she played. Most of the videos were trends… My boyfriend didn’t really care about what she had to say but we also never reeeeeally talked about it.
Later I started going to therapy. I wanted to get better I wanted to heal. I felt the need to apologize, so I sent her a message apologizing and requesting her to block me as I thought this would help me. (I did not ask my therapist I probably should have.) Not reply, no block. For a while I was fine, until the thoughts came back. Recently, I clicked on her story on one of the platforms I had her blocked and this caused her to text my boyfriend “proof” that I was looking at her stuff yet again. We were able to talk and I explained this isn’t a game to me and again requested that she block me if she doesn’t want me to view her story or public profiles. Thankfully, she blocked me and apologized for her part in feeding into my compulsions which makes me feel weird…
Since then I have been struggling with not looking… It feels like an itch that needs to be scratched.
Also- I hate myself? Any advice or similar experiences would be greatly appreciated.

The title says it all. I’m 20 (21 in 2 weeks), he was 21.
He moved across the country back in October. A few days ago, he’d gone missing for a day, and we were able to get his location. He was in the woods, and we couldn’t find his gun. The police arrived, and confirmed identity with his wallet. He hadn’t sent any of us a text, no calls, no warnings. One morning I woke up to get ready for work, and then he was gone.
I broke down when hearing the news. I’ve never heard sounds come out of me like that before. You always see posts like that, and think, “yeah, but not me. My friend wouldn’t do that.”
But then it happens. He was depressed for a long time. He’d had attempts, but had never owned a gun until recently. We should have seen the signs.
I flew across the country today to get his things, and bring them back to his family in my state. We were hoping to find something, a final message. We want to check his iCloud for some kind of note, but his phone is with the police, who won’t release it to anyone but family.
I dug through everything in his room. I opened drawer after drawer, file after file on his computer. We tried everything to get into his iCloud. But we need his damn phone.
Until, I looked in a drawer, and moved a shirt. I saw a composite journal, the black and white ones you’d have in school.
He left a very short letter in the journal, saying he loved us and “couldn’t fix these feelings of disappointment”. He was financially destroyed, and it was weighing on him having to ask for funds. I don’t think he realized we’d give him the world, if it meant he kept pushing on.
I sent it to his family, as we all cried together over the phone. Going through his room, I found so many things of his. I truly was able to see his childish side in its brightest light - SpongeBob Lego sets, hot wheels, his resumes that seemed so silly.
I feel destroyed. I’ve been doing so much to inform everyone. I’m the only one here getting his things. I can’t help but see these things, and picture my best friend, hopeless and afraid in the woods. Scared, and tired.
I miss him so much. I can’t stop crying. I feel such a heavy weight on my shoulders, and I don’t know how I can be myself after this.
If anyone has any advice or experience, I need it. I’ve built an album with 600 photos/videos, and I’m not even a 10th of the way through everything.
I just want him back. I love you, brother. Always remember that.

this is just a really really long rant. i met my best friend just about a year ago. at first, we didn't talk a lot. we had mutual friends and were in the same groups/activities, but we had little reason to interact. only around january was when we started to get close. we were on a trip for highschool theatre and had a impromptu gift secret santa (yes, in the middle of january. we were bored!) he saw me looking at a board game i really liked and bought it because he had me. it meant a lot to me that he even noticed that. we text literally everyday, and even though i very clearly have less money than him, he doesn't care. i've never met someone who is so similar to me and yet balances me out.
every day that i see him is a good day. i genuinely think of him as my brother, refer to him as my brother to our other friends, and even his contact is a reference to that. there isn't a day that goes by where i do not think of him. i see something that reminds me of him? i send a picture to him. i inadvertently gain the interests he has without even realizing it half of the time. he influences like, 90% of my music taste.
i wish he knew how wonderful of a human being he was. he's so intelligent, thoughtful, and sensitive. i knew that before i even became friends with him. i will never ever get bored of him. the only thing about him that makes me upset is the fact that he's graduated and going to college while i'll still be in highschool.
while there's only a 1% chance he will even see this (although he is on reddit)
logan, here is a message to you:
there is no one in the world who could replace the space you take up in my brain and my heart. that is a promise. if plato's "symposium" is true, you are 100% the other half of me. my twin flame. our stardust came from the same exploded star.

Oh, very long post. Sorry.
Hello, everyone! I know it’s been a while. Being completely honest with you, I am not okay… well, I’m feeling better now. I’ve been feeling horrible, hella anxious, and, yeah, depressed. I don’t even know how to start this post or how to explain what has happened. Maybe it’s really nothing, but it took a toll on my mental health.
Thank you for all your comments and messages. For real, thank you for your concern. It wasn’t my intention to worry you all, but yeah, I wasn’t having a great time. I’m still fighting against my own demons, but it’s all better now. So, thank you, really. I appreciate it so much. I wish we all could go out for a coffee in real life or something.
I’ll let you know what has happened.
A lot of things happened around Mother’s Day, and it brought up old feelings and bad impulses against myself that I had left long in the past. There was a day when I simply didn’t want to exist anymore, to say it kindly. I know my hormones are not being helpful, and the only feeling I can trust right now is my love for hubby and baby and our upcoming little girls. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them. They are my entire world and universe. They simply save me. And I need to be strong for these babies, they are not doing so well. Maybe that’s also part of what made me feel so down like this.
I was already feeling down a few days before Mother’s Day and didn’t feel like celebrating. I know my mom had betrayed me and done unforgivable things up to that point, but I couldn’t help but feel sad because… well, I no longer have a mom. I asked the aunties and grauntie not to acknowledge the day for me, and they understood. Grauntie did call me early in the morning, and it made me sob hard, we talked for about an hour, so go figure. Hubby and I got her a big gift to show our appreciation and gratitude because he says she has also stood as a mother figure for him during these chaotic months. Oh, yea, grauntie is a great woman, and she laughed so much about her nickname, btw, she loves it. Baby calls her that now, well “grantie.” Aunties started saying happy mother’s day the next day lol.
Anyway, hubby didn’t let the day pass for me. He brought me breakfast in bed, he cooked all day, and since we decided to stay home, he brought healthy junk food (approved by my doctors, he made sure about that) for us to stay in bed, or on the couch, watching movies, Bluey, and a marathon of my shitty show that he doesn’t like (but he enjoys in secret lol). He gave me some presents and flowers that baby picked herself. I don’t know when this man took the time to also help baby make a craft for me without me noticing. It was very cute. We decided to stay home, turn the lights off, and stay upstairs pretending we weren’t really there. We both couldn’t help but be concerned and a bit anxious about ILs showing up. We stayed locked upstairs just resting, snuggling, and cuddling.
I will try to summarize what happened when they showed up.
Baby was taking a nap in her room, and we were into our own stuff when they interrupted. We tried to ignore them, but MIL kept insisting, saying she knew we were home. She kept ringing the bell and then knocking on the door. They claimed they were visiting us because we couldn’t attend her reunion. It was only MIL and SIL (not beast SIL), and they were carrying bowls with food. Later I noticed it was only food they know I am allergic to or that I don’t like. After some minutes, we decided to just get rid of them. Hubby changed and went downstairs to warn them he was calling the police (he did that for proof that he asked them to leave, knowing they were not going to go away). MIL was very calm and kept saying shit, but hubby didn’t engage in her conversation. Important information: she asked a lot about me and baby, about our safety. I stayed upstairs, and peeking through the window, I noticed their car was parked on the other side of the street, out of the range of our door cam. Fucking creepy BIL was inside, I guess waiting for them.
I picked up my phone to take a picture of him and I had some unread texts from good SIL warning us ILs were coming and saying things like “be careful,” blah blah. She also said good BIL was heading over here so he could help take them out of our place, I guess. I gotta give points in favor of BIL because he stood up for hubby and even called their mother a liar.
So, we called the police on them, but they also called the police on us, on hubby. Fucking idiots. Fucking MIL. They called the police on hubby saying they believed there was a case of domestic violence happening in our house. They said we didn’t open the door and they were scared because they suspected I’ve been in danger and they hadn’t heard my voice or baby inside. To this point, we are not sure who made the call, but I believe it was creeypy BIL. Hubby had to open the door to talk to the officers, I also had to go out because they wanted to speak to me. Mind you, I was so stressed and just wanted to help hubby with the bullshit that I didn’t realize I was only wearing a top and leggings because, mind you again, I was comfy in my house before they decided to arrive. So, yea, they saw my belly and they officially know that I am pregnant. I, somehow, feel so violated by them knowing. Ugh, fucking idiot creepy BIL’s face and smirk and his eyes all over me still give me the chills. I want to believe he only does it because he knows it frightens me. Good BIL had arrived at this point too, so he also saw me but his reaction was the most normal of all. I guess he just got sad. I know he wanted to get close to me but he didn’t dare. Good, I guess.
A female officer separated me from the drama and asked me a bunch of questions in private. I brought her inside the house because baby was still sleeping upstairs. She kept glaring around, like looking for something suspicious, I suppose. The other officer talked with hubby and with a neighbor and he very soon concluded the accusations were all bullshit. They just asked to check on baby because MIL kept insisting. We had to explain that baby was actually her grandkid because she kept asking about her daughter, I just wanted to punch her in the face. I went to pick baby up, she was still asleep, and the cop I was talking with was nice enough to keep both of us inside the house. Baby ended up waking up and crying with all the trouble from outside, anyway. MIL heard her crying and she lost her calm, started to raise her voice. I couldn’t control myself and I poked my head out and told MIL that of course, baby was crying and it was all her fault, and I called her a bitch 🙄 This led to a verbal fight, just imagine everyone involved… and the cops. SIL was crying. I stayed inside but close enough to the door because I was worried about hubby. I overheard him asking if it was done and if he could go inside with us. They were leaving, officers were making them go away but MIL couldn’t just leave without causing more distress and told hubby she wished I bleed out and die while giving birth and that she hopes my baby is not his (because they changed the game, now I am the cheater). I instinctively opened the door to stop hubby from reacting but he was just there standing and staring at her. Ok, background: I had preeclampsia when baby was born, then after being sent home I got very ill and had to be rushed to the hospital because I got an infection. Hubby and everyone got super worried when I had to go back to the hospital. It was bad. Hubby thought the worst and he obviously talked with MIL about it, back at the time so yeah, she knew where to hurt him. Hubby said to good BIL something like “yes, this is the family you keep choosing.” He was like in shock. Hubby and I just went back inside and we hugged. Good BIL tried to talk to us but we ignored him, I know he was upset. He recently sent me a text I haven’t answered back. I have seen hubby sad and vulnerable, but the only time I’ve seen him actually cry was when his father passed away. This time he cried too and couldn’t let us go an inch away from him. I held back my tears. We were very jumpy and uncomfortable so we took some blankets and went to sleep in the other house. There’s no furniture, no lights, and no water yet in my dad’s house but it was better to know we were nowhere to be found. It was like camping for baby, she even asked for vampire stories that we invented for her right there. Then, hubby and I just hugged and cried our eyes out to sleep. I was simply angry and sad and upset that they took away our peace. I cried because this bitch keeps hurting my family, because they are making us run away from our own house, from wverything we have built and for what!? I am thankful we have my dad’s house to escape but it brings me bad memories and I also got a bit triggered that night, I guess. We talked a lot that night and we came to the same conclusion: the only thing that matters is that we have each other and we will never let them win.
No, it wasn’t enough for a RO. Police didn’t want to try for charges because all they saw was a family drama, which it was if you see it as an isolated incident. No, they didn’t go against the beats RO. We told and showed and give everythign to our lawyer.
Then my mom happened. I had a few voicemails from her, and I was weak, so I listened to them. This happened the next day. I waited for hubby so I wouldn’t have to listen to them alone. This was the biggest mistake of my life. We planned to have a nice dinner at home to save Mother’s Day and as an excuse to have a date but I ruined it all. I don’t know why I listened to all of them. She started all calm, victimizing herself but calm. She said happy Mother's Day to me, started to talk about baby, about me, and about my brother. She said she is very sad to be a mother without her kids. She said it would be easier if we were dead (yes, she said that), she would cope better with that truth. It escalated with each voicemail, to the point where she blamed me for what happened with her POS boyfriend and me. I had never heard her say something like this to me while growing up. Never. She claims she’s now all lonely because of me. She said she should have aborted me when she had the chance, as my dad suggested. This… I made me go numb. She accused me of seducing this man and that’s why he fell for me. Only thing I can think is that this POS has been manipulating her, idk but it hurt like hell. She told me that I should have stopped him. She blamed me too because, after that incident, she had lost all opportunities to recover her relationship with my dad. She then basically said our dad never really loved me and my brother, and that’s why he left and never came back. I started to spiral and, well, I barely remember my dad since they divorced. He came back when everything exploded, but before that… I don’t really have memories. I don’t know, she made me question a lot of things. Her tone was calm and sweet, which made it worse. She didn’t use the words or phrasing I am using right now either, her discourse made sense, this is basically what she meant. Of course, she also called me a bad mom too, and I couldn’t help but think about all the things good SIL said about baby and how I didn’t notice it. I started to blame myself for the condition of my baby twins. I am not a bad mom, I know that, but it got me right there. I thought about baby being bullied by her cousins, about MIL throwing up the food I packed for her right in front of her, about our little baby eating food from the floor and trembling because she was frightened. I can’t take out of my mind the image of baby trembling. And I cried as I hadn’t cried in a while. And then I started to remember a lot of other things about my life. I questioned myself again if my mom ever really loved us because growing up, it felt like she did, and I was so grateful I had my mom with me because she was by my side all the time after the POS happened. She was there when I started to struggle in my teens, when I wanted to die, when I started to hurt myself. My dad was there too, and I have beautiful memories with him, he stood for us, I became really close to him, he helped us a lot during that time, but there are a lot of blank spaces where he’s not around. He got another girlfriend, and that time he stayed close to us in the same city but he stopped visiting. Until we went to college, he got together with his current wife, and flew away. He was there if we ever needed money, he paid for our education, but I never reached out to him asking for any other type of help. We barely talked, I tell you he didn’t even knew hubby or baby. To be fair, he was comming over for our wedding but we had to cancel it because of covid. I kept spiraling about it. I got tangled in my mom’s words. I remembered the POS boyfriends I had and how I let them mistreat me, do whatever they wanted to do with me. I let that happen, but I now realize my mom was comfortable with it. I got over that and stopped letting it happen because of the aunties and therapy. Not my proudest moment, but I broke my phone after listening to all her audios.
My train of thought ended up the same: I am so, so thankful I met hubby, and the only thing that matters is that we have each other. Hubby and baby and the twins are the only things that kept me alive these days. They are my world. Still, I was/am? dealing with urges to hurt myself. It’s alright when I am with baby, it’s alright when I am with hubby, but night time and the moment I open my eyes in the morning… it has been tough. My mom put me in a very bad place. I let her put me in a very bad place again, but it will be the last time. She won’t take the good from me. No way. Hubby says she’s trying to isolate me and he might be right but she won’t get it.
Hubby says I should talk with my dad. I’ve been very distant with him lately, and I know he can feel it. I want to talk with him too about this, but I don’t even know what to say. I miss the aunties, I’ve been distant with them too. Last weekend, hubby and I went out to eat with one of them (the auntie that wrote the text when I told them I’m pregnant) and her husband. It was nice, we had fun. I’m telling them it is two girls this week. I didn’t want to tell them before because I am really scared about my babies. They are a bit smaller than they should be, and even if they are just supposed to be small babies, it worries me as this is not so good for twins. Also, they suspect baby B has a heart condition :( I told this to the auntie, she’s the only one of the group that knows about all the difficulties of my pregnancy, and it helps a lot that she knows. I can’t help to be worried, but I can be positive and happy and excited for them. I have to be positive and happy and excited for them. I know the love aunties will give them even in my womb is much needed now. And hubby and I are doing and will do whatever it takes to keep them safe.
So, I said fuckyoumom and changed my mood, Hubby was worried because we really don’t have ANYTHING for the twins, and we are also in the process of moving. He had tried to convinced me to start looking for stuff to clear my mind but I wasn’t in the mood. Well, we finally started to look for cribs (very difficult task tbh) and we bought their first onesies :) I’m letting the aunties shop for them too now (they’ve been insisting a lot lol) and it is very funny when they start sending pictures of plushies or toys or clothes and asking if they should buy everything x2 (I love them because they keep thinking about the big sister). They are still trying to win points to be the godmothers lmao. I called grauntie last week and apologized for not being so communicative lately, and she started to come over again during the mornings, she’s been helping me with house shores and with my feelings. This has also helped hubby a lot because he was so worried when I was home alone. I cried so much with grauntie about my mom, and she showed me some of her Facebook posts. I just wish she would stop posting baby’s pictures. Grauntie also encouraged me to talk to my dad and yea, I will. And we went out to look for baby stuff together. She also knows about my pregnancy problems, but she’s confident we all will be alright.
The most important thing of all: we told baby she’s going to be a big sister :) She believed my belly was growing because I ate a watermelon seed lol If you want to know her reaction, I’ll make another post about it because I don’t want to mix it with all the shit above.
We ended up having a late Mother’s Day (also a pretext to be close to each other) the next Sunday after the actual day. It was nice and it cheered me up. It was a surprise from hubby.
My car is all fixed now and bills were sent to the beast family but they haven’t paid. We have the RO but the idea of them still scares me a bit from time to time. We’ve been calm these days at home but we have been going to visit the other house from time to time to get used to it. We’ve been planning where to place our furniture and how to decorate just to clear our minds. Hubby said maybe we will be able to start moving in a week and a half or two complete weeks. Yup, we’re moving even if we only have our bed there. I have mixed feelings about it but I know it’s for the best.
What his family and my mom don’t realize is that their bullshit only makes hubby and me stronger as a couple. He relies on me and I rely on him, we don’t fall. We always come to the same conclusion that we are simply meant to be together and for our kids. I can feel how our love and respect to each other grows stronger. And I am holding tight to this. As I said before, the only feeling I can really trust right now is my love for my little (and growing) family. The love they give me is something I have never doubt, not even in my darkest moments. I still have urges from time to time, I feel anxious and sometimes I can’t sleep, as right now, but all this love keeps me sane within my not so sane moments. I’m alright, I’m getting better (also yes, I’m going to therapy and having more sessions than usual).
I know I always say this but I can’t be thankful enough for hubby… You know? Hubby always says that I saved him, but I believe it is the opposite.
We’re going to be alright. I have always known that.
And I’m back hehe

(Disclaimer: this is essentially my life story, so I understand if you don't want to sit and read a full novel of some depressing fuck's cry for help, but I couldn't find a way to condense it, sorry.)
Life is shit right now. It's taken a long time for me to admit it, but there's just no more beating around the bush anymore. I'm trapped in a profound sadness that refuses to loosen it's hold on me, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to end it all, I never have, but I've just been through so much that it's hard to believe things could ever get better.
I'm 24(M), and 4 years ago I lost both of my parents, 10 months ago my girlfriend of 6 and a half years broke up with me, and just a few weeks ago the company I had been planning to work for over half my life shut its doors for good. Now I'm sat with no clear path forward and a brother trying to take what little I have left, and I just don't know how to move on.
I lost my dad on February 29th, 2020. He had been in and out of the hospital for the past couple months for constipation, didn't think much of it, he was 68 after all. One night I come in to visit him in the hospital and I walk in on a surgeon explaining something to him and my mother. It turns out that results from the latest test had come in and a polyp had burst in his large intestine, he was quickly developing sepsis and if they didn't operate soon he wouldn't see the sunrise. A few minutes to sort his thoughts and make some calls to my aunts for advice and he decided that the surgeon who talked to us was more than welcome to operate since he offered, it just so happened he was one of the highest rated gastro-intestinal surgeons in Texas (don't know if I got the name of the surgeon right, my bad). So they prep him for surgery and as they wheal him off to put him under he grabs onto my hand, with tears in his eyes, and says "Take care of your mother." He had a look in his eyes, he didn't think he'd get to open them again. But sure enough a few anxiety-inducing hours later the surgeon comes back out and lets us know that everything went off without a hitch, they managed to remove the blockage and clean everything up without issue. Dad spent the next week in recovery at that hospital, but I only managed to visit him there once. I hate hospitals, but I love my dad, so when I saw him in there, all strapped up with hoses poking in and out of him, I put a smile on and rubbed his feet like I always did (he broke both his legs and shattered an ankle years ago, the man was lucky to walk to begin with, so you'd better believe I'd help in any way I could). That's the last picture ever taken of me and my dad, with him strapped to a hospital bed and me giving him a foot massage. The next time I saw him he had been discharged without me knowing, so I headed back home to our rural town late one night when he said I could visit. I'd had a lot to think about then, I'd always thought I had so much more time with Dad, that I'd only have to say goodbye when I was good and ready and he had seen us through our biggest moments. By then I wasn't so sure, so I sat with him on that Friday night and just talked, for as long as I could. I told him the little things I'd been hanging on to for far too long, the kinds of things that didn't matter in the slightest but you'd never tell your parents because you're too embarrassed. I told him about how I bumped into someone at a stoplight right after high school, but I convinced the other guy not to get insurance involved because I didn't want him to know and end up costing him more money, so I just used all of my savings and my graduation gift to pay the guy off after he replaced his rear bumper. All dad had to say about that was "you should have gotten insurance involved, that's what it's for." We laughed, and he thanked me for telling him, said it proved that I was the man he always wanted me to be. We talked about a lot, I tried to hug him tight, but since the surgery was on his gut they couldn't just stitch him up. He was so bloated before the surgery that he looked pregnant, so the skin around his gut was delicate and they had to bandage him up and put this weird circulator on him to keep it clean. Either way, I hugged him as best I could, told him I loved him, that he should take it easy, and that I'd talk to him soon. I remember looking through the door as I walked away, he was just laid up in bed watching TV. I gave him a peace sign as I walk off, he always did the same, whether we were looking or not. That was 9:30 PM. At 6 the next morning I woke to my mom calling me in tears, she said dad was gone. They had spoken after I left, talked about what we discussed, and he said he couldn't get comfortable in bed so he'd moved over to the recliner in the living room. He didn't wake up. Later on when we finally got the reports back they said he had passed peacefully in his sleep due to a heart attack. Dad had heart problems before, he had a quadruple bypass when I was about 8 and a stint placed in later on due to a murmur in his heart, and ever since he'd been taking meds. There were so many little details that stuck with me from that day. He was wearing a pair of socks I gave him when I came back on the 29th. The night before he said he didn't think he'd wake back up after the surgery, but he did, which meant God wasn't done with him yet. I still remember the sound of my mom's sobs from behind the wall of my bed, my brother and I stayed with her for the first week afterwards.
I was always aware that I had a great life, but I had never lost anything so major, never had something so horrid and life-changing happen to me. One moment I was getting used to my new classes for the semester in college, and the next thing I knew my life had flipped ass over teakettle and the world was imploding. The combination of the pandemic hitting right as I experienced the worse loss of my life, in the middle of my second year of college, certainly didn't help either. To be honest, it's still a blur. I don't remember much of those months, only that the days blurred together as I barely perceived time passing. The semester ended, and one day when my brother are checking on Mom, she suddenly rushed out the door with a sack of vodka bottles in tow, got in her car, and drove off to work. We had worried she may have fallen off again, but had been hoping against hope she wouldn't. Mom had been alcohol my entire life, I won't get into it, but when we went to her work and my brother drove her home, we had to carry her upstairs ourselves after she fell into a potted plant with vomit on her shirt. Not too long after we staged an intervention and had her checked back into rehab. At the end of her first month she would decide if she'd stay for a second and third, and despite the pleas of my brother and I, she wouldn't listen. We said we were done with her. We had given her all the love and support we could, but if that wasn't going to work then we'd resort to our only other option and cut her out. When she checked out of rehab I drove her home. I thought I could try one last time to talk some sense into her, that maybe she'd listen to reason. In the end she just ignored me, so I said everything I could think to say. If it was going to be the last time I got to talk to her, then I'd make use of that ride home and tell her everything I could think of. Just like Dad. I dropped her off at the family home, gave her a hug, told her I loved her, and watched as she got smaller in the mirror as I drove away. About a week later on July 9th, I got a call from my brother and my Aunt, her little sister. She was gone. They found her in a CVS parking lot in her car, upside down. She had been there for hours. We don't know exactly what happened. She may have had a seizure. All we know is that the reports came back with "complications due to alcohol abuse and fatty liver."
After that, the estate fell to my brother and I as the sole inheritors. I'm thankful for everyone that came out of the woodworks to help us. Our aunts helped with the will and all of the proceedings that came after. A lot had to be done, and a 20 year old still in college (me) and a 24 year old fresh out of college (my brother), were not the ones capable to taking care of it all. It took months to sort it all out. Hell, some of it never got resolved because we just never knew what to do. What matters is that we had the time and space to grieve, and so I did.
It turns out I've always had depressive tendencies, but at this point I had fully developed an Anxiety and Depressive disorder. It came to a head one Summer day when I just couldn't take it anymore. I'd always wrestled with the concept of Death, that after everything that happens in your life it all just ends, nothing, just an end to all, void, nothingness. I hated it. It stills sends me into panic attacks to this day, and has since I was a child. That Summer day I hit rock bottom, and I couldn't think of anything else, because what else could matter if it was all going to end anyway? Why should I care? I'm not going to care when I'm gone, so why care now? It's not like I'll be around to regret leaving if I chose to end it all. These were the thoughts that flooded my mind, and they wouldn't go away. I took a walk. I went through my neighborhood, cut through the trees at the cul-de-sac near the bottom of the hill, and came to a path that led to a nearly dry creak. the water was barely flowing, but I was sweaty and I wanted to sit. So there I sat and contemplated it all. The absolute inconsequentiality of life and all its meaninglessness. I looked down and saw a rock, picked it up, and thought to myself just how long it would take to bash my brains out and end it all right there. Sure it would hurt, but only for so long, then it would be gone, and I'd stop hurting. I don't know how long I really sat there looking at that rock, but eventually a family of four came walking down the path and I had to get up to get out of their way since I was sitting in the middle of the path. I dropped the rock, let them pass, and walked back home. after that I called my friends, got the name and number for their doctor, and booked an appointment later that week. Ever since then I've been medicated and I'm better for it. I don't believe in those thoughts anymore, but it scares me that I got to a point that I nearly listened to them. I've back to that creek bed since, and it's actually very pretty right after a storm, when all the trees are still dripping with rainwater.
Fast-forward a few years and it's May 2023, I struggled and I stumbled, but I felt like I had made progress. I felt far from past it, but I was moving on. I graduated with a Bachelor's in Science for Art and Entertainment Technologies. I didn't know exactly what I'd do with it, but I felt like I could figure it out with the city I was in. I went up to celebrate my girlfriend's graduation a few weeks later up in Missouri, we had been together for six and a half years. We met in high school in the same friend group, stuck through college in a long-distance relationship, and I thought we would go all the way. Over that summer after we both graduated she had to take one last internship to finish up her degree. I visited when I had the chance, but over the course of the summer I worked to make sure the house lived in would be ready for her, ready for two people to live in together once we finally started our lives together. She spent another two and a half months in Missouri, and the day she got back on July 29th she broke up with me. She had her dad drive her down the night before, and she spent that night with me after the long trip. The next morning after waking up and having breakfast, she sat me down and said she didn't think we should be together anymore. It was something she decided on over the Summer, she said she'd been thinking about it for a bit and finally had a gut feeling that we should split up. There wasn't anyone else, she actually explained that it was the opposite. She had lived her entire life with barely any privacy. As the middle child of 6 children she rarely, if ever, got a moment to herself. She only ever had one room to herself, but even then it was in a smaller house with 4 other people, and no locks on her door. When she left for college she had to share a dorm with her roommate, and when she came back for the Winter and Summer breaks she stayed with me (I also have a housemate, so even then the privacy wasn't perfect). Over the course of that last Summer she finally had a room all to herself, a single dorm for 2 and a half months. During her internship it was the exact same, she worked in an archive, which are quiet on a bad day and silent as the grave every other day. Couple that with the fact that she only ever work with one other person (her supervisor), and that's if they worked with anyone else there at all, for 40 hours a week. She told me that summer gave her the alone time she never had the chance to take before, and spent a lot of it thinking, spending all the time she never got before to be alone with her thoughts. A couple weeks before she came back she had come to the conclusion that she didn't want to be in a relationship anymore. She gave me a lot of reasons for want to split up, that being one of them. The biggest reason, one she said she couldn't ignore, was that she thought we were becoming two very different people. She said she didn't think we would work if we stayed together, that the way she saw us going, it just wasn't going to work out. She told me she still loved me, but when I asked if it was in the same way as before, she could only shake her head. I still regret asking that. She left with her sister later that day, and came back with her family the next to pack up all her things and leave. When she was busy inside, I took a moment to talk to them and ask if I did anything wrong, they all said no. They said she was just the most independent person they all knew, and that I had nothing to be sorry for. It didn't help. When they were done she gave me one last moment with her, one last tear-stained kiss goodbye, but when she turned in the driveway to hand me back the extra key to the house, I broke down. I stood by the door just long enough to watch their car fade from view as they drove away, then I went back inside and collapsed into a void of sorrow and self-pity.
That was 10 months ago. I'd like to say I've made progress, but some days it's hard to believe that. In the time since I've spent a lot of time on myself, learning who I was and what I wanted to be. The main sticking point I had with her reasoning was that she was so certain we were going to end up two completely different people, but I didn't even know who I wanted to be. If I didn't know who I was, let alone who I was going to be, how could she be so definitively certain? A lot of time and self-reflection brought up a plethora of questions I'd never thought to ask myself. With a rural backwoods public Texas education, it turns out that a lot of mental health issues can fall between the cracks. I found out that I'm on the Autism Spectrum (I get my full Psych Eval later this week, so that's nice), I learned that I'm demisexual, and also that I get extremely, soul-crushingly lonely when I'm single. All my best friends had to move out of state last February (it's a long story but I can explain if necessary), so when we split up I had next to no one to fall back on nearby. I had acquaintances and others I could call, but the people I loved the most were a 13 hour drive away. I made the trip when I could, but it just wasn't the same. It's ironic though, I found a therapy service through a podcast she introduced me to. I've been seeing a reliable and caring therapist for 9 and a half of the past 10 months, so I'm grateful for that. I've come to learn that even if the crushing loneliness hurts the most, finding a new relationship isn't the right step forward. I spent long enough trying to make that happen, now I know it can't fix anything, nor should it.
For a while I was starting to feel things turning around. Not so much getting better, but it was a start. Then It got to February, and along with it another tide of problems. My brother has always been the one to party, since he was in high school and all throughout college he was the one that got the drinks and people together. When we became independent he was the one that got on my ass about not wasting our inheritance and only using it when absolutely necessary. It's ironic then, that he was the one to call me in late Feb telling me he'd blown through it all and gone bankrupt. For this next part I need to provide some context, so I'm sorry if it drags on. I never planned on moving out of the family home, but mom and dad had waited long enough and wanted me out, so mom agreed to find a place for me to stay and provide housing until I graduated college. She was a realtor for a big real estate company for over 25 years, and it just so happened that the last neighborhood she sold from had a model home the company wanted to get rid of. She pulled some strings and in the end she got it for a steal, like half the market price for a house in the area, with a monthly payment similar to most apartments in the same city. I'm well aware of how privileged I was and still am to this day, I don't want people to think I don't recognize the luck I've been given. However, when our parents passed the entirety of the estate was split 50/50 between my brother and I. Meaning that the house that I lived in at the time, and still have for the past 4 and a half years, is only half mine. This never really sat well with me, so when I eventually brought it up with my brother and asked about becoming the sole owner of my house, he agreed that it was the right call. The problem, is that he told me that he hand over his half for half of what the house would be sold for at maximum market price. He didn't want what we'd paid for, he didn't want half of what it was bought at, nor did he want any reasonable price, he wanted the most amount of money he could get for a home that wasn't his, nor was ever meant to be his (I want y'all to know that I already feel like the most privileged asshole ever having typed all this out, sorry for sounding like a shithead). Somewhere along the way, he got it in his head that I had already agreed to pay what he wanted me to for his half, and when he called me late Feb and asked for money, he got upset with me when I told him that I didn't want to. He got angry and started talking about how I owed him for my house, how I already agreed to pay him and that he'd count whatever I gave him as the start to my payment for the property I've lived on for nearly 5 fucking years. I panicked, and though I regret it, I caved and gave him far too much money (more than I'm willing to admit), in hopes he'd leave me alone. Unfortunately over the past 4 months he's only gotten worse.
Before this time we (my brother and our Aunts) came to the conclusion that the family home we had turned into an Airbnb was no longer sustainable. While it had been profitable for a good few months in 2022, by late 2023 it had turned into a money sink. There was more and more wear and deferred maintenance popping up with each passing month that by the time 2024 rolled around we were forced to choose between selling it off or emptying the rest of our inheritance in an attempt to fix it back up with no promise that it would be worth it. It sucked to do it, I spend the first 20 years of my life in that house, but in the end we gave the go ahead and my Aunt helped us put it on the market when Feb rolled around. The housing market where it's built is extremely competitive, it's on the outskirts of a rural tourist town with a view to die for, so we didn't think it would be too much waiting around before we got an offer. That was 4 months ago, and we haven't heard a word since, even though the first estimate was 6 weeks to 6 months. The agent helping us with the house let us know that there were over 60 homes being sold in the surrounding area, with half of them at a very similar price point. I don't feel comfortable revealing exactly what the house is priced at, but to give an idea, the money I'd make off of selling it, even after being split in half and reduced by taxes, would be enough to completely pay off the mortgage on my house and then some. The kicker to all of this, is that the house isn't in perfect condition. Even considering all the detracting factors, I'd say the price we have the house listed at is more than fair for the area, but nobody wants to buy a fixer-upper at that price point, even if it is worth it. To make all these matter worse, I found out recently that my brother has STILL been holding house parties there, even though he has a perfectly good party place where he currently lives! I found out when my Aunt told me about a showing we were going to have, but my brother tried to call and tell her to postpone it because he was going to be having a party the day before the showing was scheduled. In the middle of all this, he texts me out of the blue, trying to get me to talk to him and discuss something. I'm having none of it and tell him that if he needs to get something off his chest, he can text me or leave me alone, I don't want to talk. So he ends up sending me full fucking paragraphs, going on about how he's hit rock bottom, how we have to close the joint account we've been using to pay all the shared bills and expenses, and how he's so sorry for being a shitty older brother. Near the end of it he throws in how he recently lost his girlfriend to a drunk driver and that he's in mourning. I went digging and it turns out the girl he mentioned, who did tragically pass in an accident and was heavily mourned in the community, was not in a relationship with him for the past year and a half. I didn't know this until a month later though, so this all came out of the blue in a time where I just wanted to be done with him, so now I had no clue what to think. The way he spoke and said all the right things to make me feel for him hurt, it made me want to drive over to his house and throw my arms around him and tell him that he'd be okay and he wasn't alone. Then we found out about the party, and he never stopped using the joint account for all the bullshit personal spending he'd been using for before at liquor stores and bars, so I got to see first-hand what all he was spending both of our shared funds on (this is only one account I put money into when we need to pay bills, the majority of my money is in my own personal savings account that he doesn't have any access to). In short: he made it real obvious that everything he said to us was a complete and total lie, after pleading with me and making me take on the task of cancelling half the bills we had tied to the joint account just to save him the time and effort. He manipulated me, and it was plain as day to see it.
Now I'm at a point where I just have to wait for something to happen. I can't do a damn thing to change my shitty situation with my brother and my home. I want to cut him off, become fully independent, and leave all the trauma I have with him, but I literally can't. I have to wait until the family house is sold or he tries to come after me and my livelihood. I tried my best to research my options, but there's nothing I can do with my house unless he signs over his portion to me, and he won't do that unless he gets what he wants. The only thing I've been able to think of is that I could possibly take him to court and argue that his actions caused the selling price of our family home to go down, but I don't even know if that's possible or what it would do for me. I don't want to sue my brother, I just want to be done with him. I want to scream and yell and make him understand the stress he's put me through, make him feel the pain he's caused me my entire life just for wanting him to like me. I want to make him know just how much it hurts to have put so much effort into someone that was never going to care in the first place, but more than anything, I just want to be done with him.
I did the math, and unfortunately I now know that I have a time limit for the family home to be sold. Meaning that if the home isn't sold by the new year and we have to pay the property taxes again, I'll be the one taking the full brunt of that responsibility. If that happens I will either not have enough money in my savings to cover that cost, or I'll have just enough to pay for it and have nothing left. Either way, with how much the maintenance of everything has been draining our finances, I'd have to sell my current home to pay for the costs after property taxes are dealt with. It would solve so many issues if I just sold off my house, but it would hurt so God damn much. I've put so much effort into this house to try and make it feel like a home, make it feel like my home. When the world was falling apart and I lost everything else, this one house and the memories I made here were what kept me going. There are days where it feels like it's all I've got left. The last thing I want is to lose this house. I know I'd end up fine. I'd have funds left over to take care of me after it's sold, and the family home would sell eventually, but none of that would matter. I can see how long I might have left in this house in the pages left on the calendar hanging from my wall, and all I can do is wait for the other shoe to drop to see if I'm losing this too. All I can do is sit and fester in this shitty void of depression and anguish while I wait to find out what happens. I hate it.
When I didn't think anything could get worse, just a handful of weeks ago I idly checked Facebook and saw that my ex, the love of my life, had found herself a new boyfriend. Soul-crushing couldn't begin to describe what I felt. I thought I'd made progress, thought I'd said goodbye to my desire to rekindle what we once had. I thought I'd finally started to move on, but I suppose I didn't know how wrong I could be. She had changed her profile picture to one with her and him standing together, arm in arm. She looked so God damn gorgeous. I couldn't get over the fact that she had never done that when we were together, I guess I still haven't. I'm not even mad at her, or him, or anyone, I'm just in pain. I want her to be happy, she deserves to be happy, but all I can focus on is just how much I miss her. I saw her post about how they went to the zoo and it broke me. I've checked her Facebook so many times and I know I shouldn't, I keep telling myself that it's only going to hurt, but I still do it and it always breaks me down even more. For a short time she changed her picture to a different one and removed her relationship status, so I thought they had broken up. I feel guilty for even admitting it but it made me feel hope, like we still had a chance. I didn't want to give in to that feeling and set myself up for disappointment, but I couldn't help but feel like maybe she thought of what we had and there was a chance that the knowledge of who we were now would be enough to start something new. But I was wrong. She changed it to a new picture of the two of them a few days later, and it broke me all over again. It's strange, every time I start to feel like something is working, like I'm making some kind of progress, another bombshell comes hurtling around and blindsides me. I keep trying to get back on my own two feet, and I keep getting knocked back down. I feel myself becoming more and more jaded throughout all of this, and I'm trying so hard not to let myself become that. I feel the desire to just give up building more and more as the hurdles keep tripping me up, and I hate how appealing it's started to become. I'm just trying to find out who I am GOD DAMNIT, why can't anything just go fucking right.
I haven't had the motivation to do anything, it's always been an issue in my life that I've constantly fought against. From applying to college to finishing finals, I've only ever done the work that was most important when I had no other choice and at the last possible moment. Motivation and passion; these are the two things I've struggled with the most for the past year. I always knew that if I was going to find fulfilment in life, those would have to be my two guiding lights, or I'd end up sad and disappointed no matter where I found myself. Nothing seems to help, I can have fun when I make the conscious effort, but it doesn't feel the same. Now more than ever I've been putting in so much effort just to find out where I'm meant to be and what I'm meant to do. I've done and tried so many different things just to gain a better understanding of who that guy in the mirror staring back at me really is. I know I've made progress, logically it cannot be ignored that the steps I've made to get to the point that I have in life have done something, but it's gotten just so damn hard to see, and even more so to believe. There are days where I go through all the motions, I wake up, I eat, I do the things that I used to enjoy, but all I can think about is her and the amazing times we had. I think about all the plans we had together, the plan I had to ask her to marry me, the life we planned on building together. It just doesn't stop, but I'm doing so much to try and move forward. I just don't know if it's doing anything, if I'm just spinning my wheels in place while waste away on the inside. I schedule weekends where I can get away from it all and take a trip somewhere a few hours away, because even if I could be doing something else while I'm here, even I can recognize that a change in scenery and something new could always help. Sometimes it does help, other times it just feels like a distraction, and other times it just brings me back to the trips I used to take with her and the only thing I can think about is how much fun we'd be having if we were there together.
I used to think I knew what career I wanted in life. From a very young age I only ever wanted to work for the same company that produced the shows I grew up watching online. The things they made got me through so many darker times, and made the bright ones all the better to remember. I picked up new hobbies and learned new skills just to try and have an edge when I finally worked up the courage to apply for a job. I even picked up 3D modeling in high school just to get a head start from the inspiration their shows gave me. Then everything went to shit in my life, I lost nearly all direction, and I ended up too little too late. Two weeks ago the company that I'd been following for over half my entire life shut its doors for good, and I got to see one of my life-long dreams turn ash. At least I got to be there to say goodbye. They gave a lot to me, so I'm happy I at least got the chance to let them know that before they were gone.
I want to move on, I really do. Amidst the maelstrom of everything that's happened to me, and the deluge that still is happening to me, it just feels impossible that I ever could move on. I only just made my first resume last week for the first job I've every applied to, and it's at a retail store with nothing to do with what I studied in college. I want to make progress in life. I want to live. But I feel like I haven't had a life to live for so long now, and I just don't know what to do.
I'm sorry for the novel-length text dump of exposition and self-pity, I just didn't know what else to turn to.