Bipolar boyfriend poem | | What has helped you cope with the death of a loved one?

It doesn't have to be advice per se, it can also be a song, a poem, a video, a book. . Context (for whoever wants to know): im having one of the worst moments of my life.
A month ago I decided to stop taking an antidepressant for OCD (with help of my psychiatrist) because I was in the best mindset of my life and because I've been in it for 13 years since being a minor and I wanted to know how I am without them. But things started to happen: I fought with my brother and dad (my family is very difficult) just when I was having the medication withdrawal symptoms even though I left it slowly (brain zaps, sleepiness, sadness, diarrhea, nausea), I was a mess and I couldn't go to my psychiatrist because she was having a very difficult health problem and my family wasnt being very supportive. Then in the middle of this my best friend of 12 years decided to end our relationship for reasons I don't quite understand and on top of that one of my dogs (I have 4) started having a very strange medical problem. My dogs are one of the pillars of my life, they mean the world to me. Long story short she died 2 weeks after, turns out she had the most fast and aggressive cancer and all the process was terrible. I stayed with her the whole time. She was 3. And I feel like they robbed her from me, I don't understand how such a beautiful and young being can end up like that, so quick. I'm heartbroken and I can't stop crying. It kills me to go back to my house and not seeing her, I've always envisioned me living at my own and bringing her with me. I don't know what to do because almost everything in my life is terrible and living is a torture. I luckily have my boyfriend who is being a rock to me in this dark times. And something I forgot to mention is that my work isn't paying me. I haven't been paid in all year because in my country things work like hell and because of the change in government and no one At work is helping me to resolve this as fast as possible so I'm depending on my parents and savings and running out of it. And this has had me on edge mentally. So A LOT of things. In trying to sleep with Tibetan healing music because nights and mornings are very difficult for me but also I cry on afternoons. This is all so recent and I don't want to go back to antidepressants. What I feel is valid and in not just my serotonin like my parents think. It would really help some advice because I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been desperately unhappy with my life for a very long time. I don't know how to fix it, but I've been daydreaming about starting anew somewhere no one knows me.
For some context/background: life was perfect until I was 9 years old - then my parents divorced and my mum quickly started dating an abusive, alcoholic man whom I had to try and shield my siblings from (I'm the eldest of 5). At 13 I started getting depressive and hypomanic episodes, but received no help. At 14 I had a severe psychotic breakdown and my whole family has treated me differently ever since because I scared them. At 14 I was also r*aped and abused in every way by my ex for 2 years. I tried to end my life but it just made my family hate me more until they stopped caring about me entirely. I'm treated as a literal ghost: they pretend I don't exist. At 17 I began struggling with widespread pain and fatigue. At 19 I was finally diagnosed with bipolar and complex PTSD. I had to stay in a mental hospital for a month. At 20 I was finally diagnosed with ME/CFS. I started having severe seizures and was diagnosed with FND just after I turned 21. I cannot work, I cannot drive, I lost all my friends. I have very little money. I'm on strong medications and am mostly housebound, sometimes bedbound. I use a wheelchair and walking stick.
The only person I have is my boyfriend of almost 6 years now. He has pulled me from the road, he takes care of me when I have a seizure, he's the only good thing I have.
We have £2,000 in savings (which is a lot for us as I only have benefits and he works minimum wage and isn't great with money). We live with my (quite wealthy) dad and pay £500 a month, as well as all our own bills and food. My siblings have everything paid for them (my brother had 3 high end cars in a year, plus an £8,000 watch etc and more and doesn't have to work).
Due to my health, I don't think I could go abroad - but maybe a static caravan somewhere rural would be possible? A little place, where I could be myself and be free! I could wear whatever I want to. I could play music out loud. I wouldn't have to be so scared of seeing or hearing my family or conversing with them. I wouldn't have to pretend and act all the time. I wouldn't care what anyone thinks because they wouldn't be there! I want to know what it's like to be free. I don't want to di3 in the pathetic life I live now. I know running away won't change my disabilities, but my family have made me more unhappy than my disabilities ever could. If I d*ed, I truly don't think it'd be that big of a deal. An inconvenience, maybe, but nothing would change. I know it would crush my boyfriend though, and that's the only reason I've lasted so long...
He doesn't want to run away. He doesn't want to leave this room that we're renting from my dad at all. I can't keep going on like this, though. I'm physically and mentally trapped and I see no way out other than disappearing, one way or another. Maybe I could convince him somehow? He's done so much for me - everyone has told us how lucky I am to have anyone and how no one else would ever put up with me. Would it be too selfish for me to try and convince him to try this out?
Sorry for the ramble, thank you for reading.

Not really sure where to talk about this and I’m not one for venting to friends. I had a boyfriend for 4 years (I was 15-19) and we broke up in 2021. Im now 22 and have had multiple partners. (Both men and women) and I always have a phase where I become obsessive over them for short periods of time. Once we’ve become “official” it’s like that completely disappitates and I no longer want anything to do with them. Has anyone else gone through this and figured it out? I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder for about 2 years now but whenever I have mentioned this to psychiatrists and therapists they make it seem like it’s not a big deal and maybe I just “wasn’t into them” but I was never treated wrong or nothing changed to make me just completely flip the switch. I mentioned this in an off handed comment to my friends and they laughed and said that I sounded like a “narcissist” but looking into it that’s kind of what it sounds like. I also have looked into the aromance spectrum but I don’t think that applies either because I had that long term ex boyfriend who I really did love, it just didn’t work out. Any advice?

I can't believe I'm writing this. But I need some insight cause I find myself getting angry and confused. This is my first reddit post. Please excuse my redditor literacy.
This is the most convoluted story. It is long. But it's a ride.
You've been warned.
(Fake names obviously)
I (20f) have a best friend, Karl (20m) of 4 years. Now I see what you might assume. No. We're close but I'm mainly into women, I currently have a partner and have had a partner 90% of the time they where dating.
Now Karl got with Regina(19f) late 2022, the relationship started off rocky as she said "I only want you" but then kissed her ex, and then couldn't decide who she wanted. But still insisted once she chose Karl, she wanted to stay friends with her ex. Posted pictures when they'd "hang out" where it looked like she was sitting on his lap. But she swore she wasn't. Constantly blocked him after things would happen, then unblocked him, lied, then cried when Karl would find out.
Yes. Infuriating. But here you go. That's how Regina was introduced to our lives.
It took a while but eventually I tried to look past this. I care about Karl, if this was who he loved. We accepted it. Infact made it a point to invite her out to gatherings, made sure to offer her food, offer her drinks, chatting. Making sure she's involved. Gassing her up. Girlie things. (God I'm so desperate for everyone to love me it's a problem.)
Then her friends, ex boyfriend began to follow me, I had hoped this was because of how well I'd done to make friends. But this waa short lived.
Originally I'd just hoped it was banter. I'd chat to them, often sending pictures with Regina in her classes and joking with me.
Unfortunately I have social impairments, Slowly it became clear they where just laughing at me, calling me names but with cutesy emojis. Remember the girls in highschool? The ones thatd pretend to be your friend in class because it was funny? Like that.
So i stopped paying attention, often ignoring them. Unfortunately it only got worse. It got to a point I'd be spammed and have my instagram story replies with slurrs, calling me a pdf. File??? (I was talking to someone 6 years older than me?) Weird references, calling me cringe (I know. I know, worst thing ever right.), picking on my hair, my eyes(strabismus), my clothing. So I folded. Told Karl I wouldn't be dealing with it anymore. I'd blocked them, and asked karl To ask Regina to ask her friends to stop contacting me, I was doing my finishing project in college (uk) to get into university and it was getting to point I couldn't focus. I told him what had been happening, that I didn't know what her problem was. But I am a adult woman and this was bizarre.
Now, that alone. I forgave and in time, forgot. She had allegedly appologized "for them" and didn't know any of that was happening and had no I'll intent and hoped we could still be friends. Okay, sure.
Weird semi important point: she confessed in a groupchat that she used to be a 'chav' I said " you do look like someone who'd have bullied me" Banter. She then posted on her Instagram story (Paraphrased by memory) "When someone says you look like someone who'd have bullied them- but your friend died" I can't remember, but it was along the lines of that kind of 'what the fuck does that even mean'
Upon a later night of drinking, regina was talking to Karl about the ex, Mike. I brang up the fact her ex boyfriend kept liking my photos and was following me Hoping to bond over the fact this guy was weird, common girly bonding
"You know he only follows you so he could make fun of you and how cringe your posts are". She laughs.
The group goes quiet and holy shit I'm embarrassed. I just internalise that and change the subject.
Later I repost a reel of a guy saying something vaugely corresponding to this convosation. Basic premise when someone tells you their friend talks shit about you, then obviously you ask "why do they do that to you" (I know childish but at this point I was starting to really dislike her. My friend had sent it to me, It was late.) When i say She launched, "if you've got a problem talk to me instead of being weird and I'd tell you I was so scared of Mike and he held such a power over me and I just let him chat shit" I'd love to just mention this is after the 2nd time she'd unblocked him to talk to him behind Karl's back. I put up with it. Karl is at this point family. And if this is who he loves. We have to love her too.
This is all important to the point I swear.
Anyway.
My partners (now ex) friend Frank (22) and us fell out. Unimportant to this story but he let me know, Regina and an old very close friend had a groupchat to say very unpleasant things about me in, despite this old friend I never stopped speaking well of. Hoping we'd find eachother again. He'd been scouted when we had fallen out. But respected me enough to tell me. Another confrontation where she is so misunderstood and I'm making a big deal out of nothing and she's never ever had a problem with me.
Okay. Talked to Karl again. He is shocked but takes her word. As I'd kinda expect. Its his girlfriend. He took her to London over my birthday, he didn't want to ruin it. So he gave it up.
Karl throughout this is withdrawing from us. When he's with us it's like the light is gone from his eyes. He's distracted, quiet, doesn't laugh as much. Often tries to slip out of meetups because he'll "only bring you guys down". He's constantly picking up his phone. Constantly messaging. Cancelling plans. He won't talk to us. We where all worried.
Karl few months later calls me for advice. Turns out she kept getting caught in lies about her ex and general behaviours. Ignoring him for days again, threatening to game quit if she doesn't get the attention she wants. It'd all gotten so tiring that he didn't have any attraction to her anymore. He had no sex drive. He dreaded seeing her. But had to constantly message her. He's been feeling like this for months. Karl didn't want to leave her just before her birthday, he felt it cruel. But then it was the anniversary coming up. He didn't want to be responsible. He'd tried gifts, trips, anything just to make her happy. No matter what he did he still felt like nothing was enough. I managed to talk him through. About threatening suicide if someone wants to leave, is indeed abuse. He wasn't himself. How we felt and how we where worried. He got choked up. Not realizing anyone cared. He asked if he should leave. I asked if he was happy. "I can't imagine not having her there." Okay no. Not what I asked. Eventually he confessed He'd never felt lower. I said. Can you see yourself marrying her? No. Infact he said the thourght freaked him out. I said. Well. Why are you with her. Eventually it got to a point He left her. She said she'd been thinking about it. Yay? No 12 hours later he calls me saying its all fixed. Its all okay. How He's a horrible person for doing this to her. How it's him that needs to change. How he will spend a long time making this up to her. You know. I'm a domestic abuse survivor. But I never realized how much hearing that killed abit of my sould. Trying to convince Karl that he's worth anything is like trying to convince a deaf non signing American Conservative that the gays aren't trying to make him gay too.
They do eventually a few months later split. She says she wants to breakup as he "doesn't love her the way she wants him to" he is hurt but says okay. She then obviously realizes hey, he isn't gonna start begging on his knees. You can only hurt someone so much. She then asks "breakup sex" directly after and to this day its our favourite quote. But he says no, she asks for one more night, he says no you just broke up with me? Leave? She complains about not being able to get to the train station. Now. Karl didn't have his licence till a few weeks later. So queue the weirdest car ride with his DAD you've ever heard of. She cried. Hugged him. Begged him to reconsider. Karl officially has realized how disconnected he's become. Nah.
Queue a weird amount of messages ranging between "I'm sorry baby" to "I CANT BELIEVE YOURE GIVING UP ON US" and sexually charged messages, After karl finally blocks her. She begins to call him from various different numbers. Tries to get with his friends. Fails. Still calls him crying for the next 6 months. In which these events happen.
Frank from before. Now it turns out. While we don't have full timeline but either weirdly around the time they broke up they got /very/ close. To the point despite Frank having a partner. She was begging him to sleep with her. But Being weird with it. One minute she wants him. Next she doesn't. Basically, she loves the idea that she could have him. But doesn't want to keep any of them. Frank had a girlfriend. Goddess of a lady. Daisy. Regina proceeded to pick on every little thing to Frank about daisy she could. Always. Physical appearance.
Then. Now I am simply not making this up. after Frank separates himself from this situation. Regina begins to harrass Daisy, With telling Daisy about how much Frank's missing out on not shagging her instead.
And making 6 different instagram accounts to harrass them, and this is where I come in further.
Regina now, after the hate group chooses some last straws she can pull to drag him back. She makes a fake account. Goes to message Frank. With the opener of gossip about me and my partners sex life. I talked to Regina less times than I can Count on one hand.
The main one I'm aware of is "Did you know my partner drinks my names piss" Which I'm not here to kink shame; but this does not happen unfortunately but i still find it beautiful of a statement.
I one day due to some more harassment and more attention than I'm used to.
Decide to private my instagram. It was only for 24 hours in full so I could change some settings and archive some things. Within 15. An account. David, requests to follow. Strange. Cause my account is shadow banned and cannot be shown to non followers. I click. Heavens foretold dear friends. Regina's new boo. Id like to clarify. 2 weeks before Karl was still getting snotty teary calls telling him she misses him. Karl's friends where sending screenshots of Regina trying it on with them then getting snotty when she was rightfully laughed at.
I ask "hi??"
"Hi me and my girlfriend just wanted to stalk how cringe your posts are" I wish I could have been funny and not caught off guard. And shamed them. Oh god. I wish I had. Basically I told him, the gym is waiting. She will chew you up. Idk what I did but I'm sorry. Godamn. Leave me be. And they said "It's not that deep lighten up" I am indeed embarrassed.
But they kept mentioning my workplace. I am a bartender, and one day she did come in with a man, they seems very loved up but then again. It certainly wasn't this guy. then said bad things about me infront of a coworker. It was a little satisfying seeing her face fall and hit the table from shame as I was carrying an ice bucket past her. She was already cut off at this point for her antics.
David's best friends memepage now follows me. But has been the first out of 5 accounts not to say anything. I'm sure they think I don't know. David claimed I was lying in my encounter. I do wonder if I could flip the table entirely.
but I also wonder if she's just very mentally unwell. But it's been 1.5 years of this and I'm just abit knackered and pissed off.
I'm 20 feeling like a highschooler. But I'm working for a bipolar diagnosis and I have ADHD, the paranoia. Is driving me up the wall man. Like this woman knows enough of my details and she's spread where I work. She's been to my house. She has clearly gotten multiple people involves historically and despite me trying to apologise, it makes no difference.
If I knew what the issue was, I'd gauge it. But it's not knowing and not being told. But it's reassuring it's not just me. With daisy, I'm wondering if this is historic. Might be vanity? She (used to?) Post alot of ...suggestive photography and always wears a lingerie corset and heavy makeup, filters. Nothing wrong with that of course but she's a very sexually orientated person, and given the contexts to that behaviour. I wonder if its to cover some in depth issues. But that's just a theory. Part of feels hey, if she needs men to tell her that I am ugly, cringe and worth nothing. Then she van have that. The other half makes me want vengeance for the boy, prove that I'm not whatever she'd been making me out to be and make her realize she needs to change. But that's. abit pathetic innit.
Anyway I doubt anyones made it this far and if you have. Thank you for reading my story and the weirdness of it. I hope it hasn't been too shit. Just needed to get it off my chest. And maybe if anyone has anything to say.
TLDR: my best friends ex has always had an issue despite my efforts. Getting various people to harrass and bully me, She tried to get with his friends, other guys we knew and harrassing us all. All while still crying she misses him. Her new bf thinks I'm lying and is joining in, his best friend now follows me too. My partner allegedly drinks my piss <3

I’m currently 21 and was diagnosed bipolar almost two years ago, after years of depression that has only been getting worse. Since my diagnosis I’ve been having an extremely difficult time keeping up with my medication and therapy. I’ve been hospitalized twice within the past year.
My first hospital stay was after a suicide attempt and my second hospital stay was because I was having persistent thoughts of suicide once again. I was prescribed risperisone during my most recent hospital stay and noticed an improvement once it kicked in, but I just randomly stopped taking it one day and I’ve had a hard time getting myself to take it everyday since then. I take it maybe a few times a week. I also never got a therapist or psychiatrist outside of the hospital because I moved states a week after I discharged, and haven’t had insurance up until recently. I’m on medicaid now but still can’t afford a therapist.
My depression gets progressively worse every single day and within the past week my anxiety has been horrible and I constantly feel like I’m about to have a heart attack. I can’t stop pacing around and picking my skin. I’ve been having the most intense suicidal thoughts I’ve ever had and I just want everything to stop.
Today I had a panic attack while I was on the phone with my boyfriend and I told him that I wanted to kill myself. He broke up with me and blocked me everywhere. He is the one thing in the world that makes me happy and now he’s gone and I’m devastated.
I found a place nearby where I think I can get therapy for free but I can’t go until next week. I want to die now though. I can’t wait until next week

Me and this girl had been dating around 2 months, we weren't official but had discussed that we would consider seeing anyone else cheating at this point. She had told me how much she loves me though poems and long paragraphs and I had said I love you back at this point.
We both happened to go on a night out drinking on the same night she was worried about 2 girls that were part of the friendship group who are no problem at all and both have boyfriends (I had told her they were coming and didn't speak to them to keep her peace of mind) her friend group bumped into ours and made a scene about the girls and she was very stressed and I tried my best to calm her down. We then offered her to stay with us or go with her fake friends who had spread rumors about the girls to stress her out.
I dont see her again and as I'm going home I get a call from her crying saying I love you. Immediately I knew something was up. I texted her after that call I feel like something has happened I would much rather you tell the truth than lie. I said have you not kissed someone or something and she lied saying why would I kiss someone what made you think that.
So the next morning she was off and I knew it so I told her I know she's hiding something and after some pressure from me she admitted she had been kissed by another guy, she was very drunk the last time I saw her, she claimed she pulled away at this point and didn't kiss him back,. I message the boy who kissed her he messages me mockingly saying my girls tounge was down his throat he said they kissed twice and it was about 10 seconds this boy is known to like winding people up but he also said it seemed like a mix of emotions, and that she really does love me. She was apparently upset because I didn't pick up one of her calls whilst I was dancing at karaoke.
Before I had messaged this boy she had messaged him saying please don't tell him and such and when she did tell me she tried to convince me not to message him as she said he was laughing at her and he will try to flip her on me.
Long story short I spend the whole day gathering information. One of her friends just said they kissed and when i asked for more details about the kiss they didn't answer another said it was a peck for 2 seconds.
But I went to see her and asked to see her phone and her messages with her friends consisted of her her saying to her friends how I can't know the truth and her friends exhaling how they can lie to me and she had been calling me horrible names to her friends as she was apparently angry with me for trying to get the truth as I was talking about the situation all day to her. One of her friends said does he know you kissed him back, another was saying I told him the truth but the truth we both know, there was loads of conflicting things in the messages and I didn't get a chance to read them all but when I asked to look at her phone again she said no and wouldn't let me.
After all this she said she doesn't know if she kissed him back and if she did it wasn't a proper kiss with tounge. She hadn't told be but she did now he had kissed her a second time apparently on the cheek and this was after the boy who kissed her had been saying bad things about me like I ain't a real man and she said she was defending me apparently and this is when she said he kissed her again. Also she said she was crying after this and he was sat next to her wiping her tears. I saw a video she was extremely sad. And the
Way the first kiss happened was he put his arm around her as she was crying over me not picking up the call and then kissed her.
I am very confused I feel like I'm being manipulated her friends are known to be promiscuous but this girl isn't she was crying with guilt today and she was very very drunk but I don't know what to belive she orchestrated the best ways to lie to me and I don't know what to belive. She said she lied to me because she said she knew I would get angry and it would be over but this isn't the case.
Can I get an outside perspective of what you think really happened and what I should do? Thanks if you'd like more information I can give it to you

I haven’t used this app before but I’m desperate for advice so please bear with me. Also please keep in mind I am very quiet and try to think and act rationally because I had to mature at a young age and think & act like an adult I try to avoid conflict no matter how I truly feel because its all I get at home. (I come from a bipolar abusive household) All fake names btw. A little background my ex is very well known in my town and he still has feelings for me and everyone who knows him has been trying to break up me and my boyfriend and get me back together with him. Now to the story: I 17f and my now ex bf 17m got in a big fight last Saturday and i don’t know how to fix it. Saturday night was prom. My parents wouldn’t let me go, they said my grades weren’t good enough (mainly b’s and c’s) and it was a waste of money. My mom suggested I still dress up like I’m going to prom but instead go to dinner and a movie with my friends since it’s cheaper and prom is boring anyway. I told my friends this and they were all on board. However my best friend’s boyfriend is moving across the country this summer so they changed their minds and decided to go to prom. I was fine with this decision since it’s her only chance to have a prom with him and I could still go out with my boyfriend. My boyfriend’s mom however decided he was going to prom with or without me. So everyone was now going except for me. I have a friend 18f (Anna) who graduated last year that offered to take me out with her and her boyfriend (Brandon) so that I wasn’t just sitting at home alone. My parents were somewhat okay with this and we got in a couple arguments over it for a few weeks leading up to prom a couple days before prom my parents changed their minds again and decided I can go so I went out with the money I saved and bought the dress my boyfriend liked (shown above). Later that night my parents changed their minds again and decided I can’t go to prom or hangout with Anna and Brandon. Everyone was getting pissed off and I was upset because I had just bought a dress. The next day (the day before prom) I told my boyfriend I can’t go and would try to sleepover and my other friends house but I wasn’t sure if I could since i had auditions after school, wasn’t sure if she was busy, and it was last minute and I didn’t want to be rude inviting myself like that. I got home from auditions and my parents said I could go with Anna the next day. The day of prom i got up early since my mom said she wanted to do my hair for me before I left. So I got up and find out 3 of our cars aren’t starting (we have a few old classic cars) so I had to help push the cars and watch my little brother while my parents dealt with the cars by the time they were done I had to leave and my mom was upset she couldn’t help me get ready I left and walked over to breakfast with Anna. We finished eating and were waiting on Brandon to get there to pick us up and he was over an hour late, he sat down and ate and when we left it was around 11:15 and we were supposed to go talk pictures with my mom and leave to the arcade at 12. We had no time for pictures anymore and my mom was pissedddd. She stopped responding to me and was beyond mad. We go pick up my clothes and go to Anna’s parent’s house because it’s closer than her house. We finished getting ready it’s about 11:30 and her parents still aren’t home. I talked to Anna about the pictures since it was really important to my mom, she pulled out her phone and texted for a minute then took me a couple houses down to my ex’s house because his mom (Susan) was home and is like a mother to Anna. She had asked my Susan to take a couple pictures really quick so we could leave because it was getting close to noon and we had to get going. I started thinking this is really weird we could just have Brandon take a couple pictures but whatever it’ll be fine. Then Susan’s boyfriend comes out which I thought was weird but again it’s whatever. Then the disaster hit, she called my ex Trevor to come out, I start to worry like wtf is going on, Susan dug through a drawer for a minute and tossed a blue tie at him and told him to put it on. He did and she made him get in the pictures with us, I start panicking like Wtaf is going on now, I asked Anna and she said to just smile we’re taking pictures, so I do and I’m uncomfortable, they put him next to me and I’m leaning away from him and facing away cause wtf but its okay just stay calm its just a picture and I can leave right? We go to leave and Brandon’s car wont start. Susan gives us a ride because we had no other way to leave and she said they already had plans there anyway it’s no big deal. I was already uncomfortable and thinking it’s sketchy. I go to text my boyfriend to tel him whats going on and he starts texting me about how he’s miserable and wants to kill himself. I was trying not to freak out and calm him down because he also comes from an abusive household and has tried to kill himself before. So I started texting him trying to distract him and me being happy cheers him up so I was telling him I was happy and having so much fun so he wouldn’t get more upset and go over the edge. We leave and Susan drives up and we get out and I thought she had left but 5 minutes or so later they walk in, turned out she was parking the car and is staying with us. I was beyond uncomfortable and called my mom but she wouldn’t answer. I was stuck there I told Anna I was uncomfortable and I was told I was just nervous because I don’t leave my house much and needed to relax. I was like okay I’ll just try to stay away from them, so I go over to the little arcade by the bowling alley by myself while they all go to set up bowling, I came back and sat down for a minute, everyone was doing horrible at bowling so I tried, Susan was talking about the scoreboard and taking pictures and I was walking backwards looking at the board and forgot about the ledge that separates the bowling floor from the normal floor and slipped off and tripped on my dress since it drags on the floor and fell. I tried getting up and kept slipping on my dress Trevor was sitting right behind where I fell and leaned forward I put my arms around his neck to pull myself up and he put his arm around my shoulders and behind me knees I was confused and he picked me up off the floor, and slid me onto him lap on his lap. I sat there in shock for a second trying to process the boldness of him doing that. He had moved his arm to go across my thighs holding onto the outer thigh holding me to him and his other hand moved to my arm holding where it was on his shoulder. I looked at him uncomfortable said thanks for the help and asked him to let go of me his grip was really tight he looked at me all smug but then let me go I got up and sat and the other table for a minute trying to process to feeling of knowing if he really wanted to try something id be powerless against him I then talked to Anna and Brandon and Brandon kept Trevor bowling with Anna and I went off to play games at the bigger arcade on the other side of the building. I started cheering up and actually having fun with it being just me and her and was texting my boyfriend (Nate) the whole time trying to cheer him up and keep him distracted. The others had finished their two games of bowling and told us we were going to dinner. I was so relieved thinking finally, I get to leave after this. I was the last one inside the restaurant because people behind me were stepping on my dress and my feet hurt so I was walking slower they all sat down and only spot left was next to Trevor. I almost started to cry I was already uncomfortable told him that at least 5 times just while sitting there and it got brushed off every time. Susan pulled her phone out told me to scoot closer so she could talk a picture I was trying to stay calm and just get through the dinner so I smiled for her picture but kept my hand on the bench so I could push myself away from him the second it was over. I almost had a break down sitting there and we when we finally left they took us went back to the bowling alley because Susan’s boyfriend wanted to play pool and it wasn’t open until after we had dinner. I went to the bathroom and cried for a second because I was so uncomfortable and just wanted to leave. They had taken over the whole day that was supposed to originally be me, my boyfriend, my best friend, and her boyfriend. I cleaned myself up and came back out and just played more games until we finally left. I got home 5 minutes late and my parents screamed at me for two hours and I started to get a crippling pain in my abdomen as they yelled at me and sat on the floor for most of it. When they finished I went to my room and called Nate he told me about how horrible his day was and how he didn’t even go to prom I broke down crying because of what happened and my parents yelling at me and because if he told me he wasn’t going anymore i would’ve taken him with me and it all could’ve been avoided and was in so much pain I passed out. I was supposed to sneak out and go to his house that night and I could barely move so I didn’t. I woke up in the middle of the night and sat up thinking about how to tell Nate about what happened. I decided it was a conversation to have in person so I chose to wait until Monday to sit down and talk to him since he was still in a suicidal mind set and I didn’t want this to be the cherry on top. However what I didn’t know was Susan had taken a picture of when I had fallen and he picked me up and posted it. (Images included above) The mom of a friend of a friend saw the picture sent it to my best friend’s (Avery) boyfriend (Alex) and Alex sent it to Nate. Blowing everything up and now he’s barely talking to me, I talked to everyone and got proof of what I was saying is true that I didn’t cheat and now Alex and Avery believe me but now the situation its affecting Avery and Alex’s relationship and Alex is yelling at me for talking to Avery about how I’m feeling and stressing her out and now Alex is ignoring me. Nate says he needs space and I’ve been trying to give it to him but he means everything to me and im not going to just throw this away because people jumped to conclusions. Everyone is trying to ignore it and forget it happened and it’s not working because problems keep arising. I believe we all need to sit down and talk rationally and calmly because you cant just put a bandaid on a bullet hole and expect it to stop bleeding. I would gladly accept any advice and help on how to address this and fix things between my friends. P.s. it was later confirmed that Anna and Susan had planned it all out so I’d get back together with Trevor

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a while now. We both believed that we were soulmates and we were going to be together forever. Just recently I discovered he has matched with a girl on a dating app and had been talking to her and had met her in person once. No physical contact, but it still broke my heart. My boyfriend is the first person I’ve ever been close to who has bipolar.
After finding out he broke down and admitted he hasn’t been on his meds for months. I did some research and found that cheating is somewhat common during manic episodes. We both talked and came to an agreement that he will get back on his meds and go to therapy, or else we are over. He will never so much as download another dating app again or we are over.
We are both Christian. We agreed that we would both do Bible study together because I believe the Bible has a lot of important things to say about relationships. If anyone could point out some important verses I could share with him I would appreciate it. How can we use our shared religion to get closer to each other?
Does this seem like a reasonable conclusion? I genuinely believe he wants to change and that he deeply regrets what he did. If anyone knows anything that could help I would appreciate it.

Someone who I've been friends with since we were 15 (now nearly 30 -- eek) cheated on their SO and I feel so many layers of livid. Their girlfriend joined our friend group about 2 years ago and they started dating 6 months-ish ago. They recently changed their pronouns from he/him to they/them right around the time they started dating about 6 months ago.
This person has had a history of tumultuous relationships but they never really talked about it, and I was never friends with any of the women they'd dated so I never knew the other side. They have a few mental health issues (unmedicated bipolar) but I knew they were in therapy and just sort of assumed that they were getting help.
Anyway - they starting dating this new girl in our friend group and I was so happy for them! She has her life together - really smart, kind, pretty, successful, kind, fun to be around. They were great together! She met their family, they were talking about moving in together, it was pretty serious. Anyway - she found out they cheated on her because she walked in on them HAVING SEX with another girl.
The whole week leading up to this, they'd been a little weird but assured my friend/their girlfriend they loved her, loved being with her etc etc. Then cheats, then does a 180, claims they never loved her, says a LOT of cruel, heartless stuff. The girl they cheated with had no idea and reached out to my friend and turns out, they'd been cheating for weeks, without a condom.
They would go on romantic dates, he'd come home, then cheat on her, and then act like nothing happened. Then when she found out, they did a total 180 and became incredibly cruel. Didn't even apologize, just said they were done with the relationship, so that's why they cheated.
I'd defended this person for YEARS. I lost a relationship for being friends with them from a jealous ex-boyfriend. This person used to be my best friend, my confidant. We haven't been very close for the last 5-7 years but I'm astounded at who they are now.
They are very quirky - not the typical cis-male even when they identified as he/him. They're artsy, they wear pink crochet tops and dresses, and used to base their entire being on being compassionate. They have and have always had lots of female friends and I used to think it was because they felt safer with women. They had a flirtatious relationship with almost all these women, including me, and I just chalked it up to that being their personality. Now I wonder if it was all to prey on them.
I started to think about my past interactions with this person, the number of times I stuck up for them, and how I told this girl they were a good person. I was wrong.
It's a really horrible revelation. To realize someone who has been in your circle for years is actually a demon to women. The level of disrespect they've shown to someone they said they loved a week ago is shocking. I'm realizing they are not who I thought they were at all.
Needless to say, I've been completely supportive of her and am completely done with the friendship I had with them. My heart just hurts for her. Her last bf really screwed her over and I just am so upset she's going through this. The layers of WTF? I've experienced after learning this and their continued behavior to her, I don't even know what to say or do.

How do I love long distance while giving her space?
My girlfriend and I are long distance and have been together 8 months, but Ive known her 8 years. We met in college and had a bit of a fling but I flubbed it hard, until she hit me up almost a year ago to clear the air. It's been mostly magical ever since; I haven't written in years, and suddenly I'm writing poems about her all the time. She's given me confidence in things and makes me feel like I'm not too much, and I love her in ways I never knew I could. She makes me softer and kinder and a person I used to be before I grew really disillusioned from failed career prospects and other millennial woes. But there's been some issues too
Short version is that she's been depressed for a few months now, and also suffers from bipolar disorder, and a mix of some new medication alongside the depression have made it really hard for her. I got wrapped up in my head about her falling out of love with me, as she told me last visit she still wants to be with me and loves me but doesn't feel "in love" anymore, but that it happened so suddenly (like overnight) she's almost certain it's the meds and that even if she can't feel the butterflys, she knows she loves me. This was a month and a half ago. And we've talked about it since, but I also felt how low she was and how dry our conversations were getting and kept getting more and more worried she was about to leave.
I brought up last week how I wasnt feeling emotionally connected and little ways we could try to improve it, because I'm finally getting comfortable voicing my needs in a relationship too, and she just broke down. She HAD been trying; what I saw as her pulling away was her trying so hard because she's running on absolutely nothing, but I was so wrapped up worrying about "us", I didnt see how much SHE was struggling.
We're in a pseudo-break right now so she can focus on her health and not worry about an intense relationship at the same time and is adamant she wants us to come back together.
We had been talking all the time for months and I knew even before this we had to taper off so she wouldn't feel smothered, but I'm just sending her two voice messages a day with maybe the possibility of a phone call on weekends so we can catch up and not lose feelings while still giving each other space, but I'm at a loss. I'm a lover; im romantic and have big emotions and write poetry thinking about her. I know it can appear a lot and love bomby, but it's very genuine and she knows that, but I don't know how to balance loving like I do with giving her own autonomy, while also allowing myself the space to have my own life too.
I recognize I've put so much into this relationship that other aspects of my life have suffered, and I don't want that. I want this to be healthy for her AND me, because we both deserve that. I want to tell her all the things she is to me with all my flowery language but not make her feel like she's on a pedestal or not seen as she is, because she's not
TL;DR because this is getting long-winded: basically I need advice on how to feel okay and love how I do with her, which is poetic and genuine, while still giving her space and autonomy and I really don't want to fuck this up. I care about her too much to be anything but healthy for her, and I'm really worried I'm not at this point, but I want to be

Hi all. Just found this group and hope I can join. My mom isn’t an alcoholic but she is bipolar and un medicated. My childhood was a living hell full of manic episodes and random men in and out of my life. Piss poor decision making and lots of guilt tripping. I grew up way too young and was parentified. It took so much therapy to become a functioning adult and try to break the cycle.
Anyway, today is my 27th birthday. I’m already feeling kind of… idk. It was a weird year. I have my mom in my life (kinda) but there’s tons of boundaries in place. I like to explain it as I love her, she’s my mom - but I don’t like her, and I definitely do not trust her.
Recently she’s off her meds (what else is new) and on what seems like an endless manic bender. I woke up this morning to a birthday card dropped on the porch (she knows she isn’t allowed to stop by without asking as a boundary rule - already broken). My fucking name was spelled wrong. There were incoherent sentences scribbled across the card and a new address where to find her because (surprise!) she just left her boyfriend (again). Even her handwriting looked manic. Idk how that’s possible but trust me, it is. And she signed the card with her first name, not “mom”.
Then I got some slew of texts that made no sense about how much she hates my aunt, and that she’s sure my aunt made my birthday all about her, if she remembered it at all.
Oh, the irony.
Idk. I just wanted to vent. I thankfully have a really supportive partner and I’m excited for him to come home from work and we have a fun evening planned. But right now… I just feel sad. Why can’t I just have a normal mom?
Thanks for listening. It felt better to type this out.

Note: this is a silly little poem I wrote for my boyfriend while we were on a trip it’s one of my first ones I’d love feedback and thanks for reading!:))
I love it when you sleep in my arms Even unconscious I’m taken by your charm
Looking down listening to you breathe Being this close seems to put me at ease
As you rest your head, my hands through your hair Being away would be too much to bare
Those aching moments we are apart A void tends to open in my heart
For all I want is to be with you And to hear you say that you want me too
The weight of you against me as you lay, the world around me begins to fade
There’s nowhere else I’d rather be Then in this moment having you with me
feedback link
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I’ve been with my spouse for over 16 years, married for 8. I just recently started reading about BPD, and every symptom I read sounds like him, but I would like some opinions and advice on what to do.
A few months into dating (I was 23, he was 30), he started having angry, jealous outbursts. They were out of nowhere. I hugged a guy friend or mentioned a past relationship. He thought I’d slept with too many people before we met even though I hadn’t been with a lot of people. But that was too many for him, despite him having slept with lots more. He slut shamed me constantly. He would get into my phone. He got into my computer and erased an old diary entry from my freshman year of college that talked about my current boyfriend. He erased a dream from an old dream journal that mentioned an ex. He was suspicious of any guy friends I had. He would rage over things all the time. Scream at me for hours while I lay sobbing. He called me every name and said the most hurtful things you could say to a person. He had no reaction when I cried. The day after a fight, I’d apologize for some hurtful thing that I had said in response hours into being berated. But he would not apologize. I felt crazy and confused. I became very anxious. I was constantly walking on eggshells. Not all of his outbursts involved jealousy. I might be running late to an event or something, and he would lash out at me. One time he got upset that he couldn’t make me feel better about an upcoming doctor’s visit I was worried about, so he started being mean to me. A lot of times, it seemed that if he put a lot of effort into something for someone and didn’t feel appreciated enough, this would trigger him.
I wasn’t the only one who would make him angry. He got pissed over all sorts of things. He held a grudge over unfairly getting fired from a job. He sent a mildly threatening email to the ex-boss a year later and got arrested. I was just usually the only one who would see his wrath. Most everyone loves him. Super charming and sweet. He can be very thoughtful and loving. Which is why I stuck around I suppose. I always said he was Jekyll and Hyde. Because no one else saw this behavior, would have been shocked because he was believed to be such a sweet person, I felt very isolated and questioned myself a lot even though I knew in my bones this behavior was not my fault and it wasn’t acceptable. But it didn’t feel like who he really was. Just a part of him. Something I thought he could overcome.
Several years into our relationship, in his late 30s, he stopped the jealous behavior. He finally apologized for things. Said he was ashamed and beats himself up every day over how he acted. Said he worked really hard to get past that behavior.
Though the jealousy is gone, and he is able to apologize more now (not every time but it’s a lot better), he still has issues that impact our relationship. We had a pretty good stretch for a while but a few years into having a kid, some of his behavior has gotten hard for me to deal with. He can and always has been pretty dishonest or secretive. I found out he is using some kind of paid sex chat app. He’s developed a cocaine problem, and he lies through his teeth about using. Gaslights me big time about it. His anger has gotten bad again. Not to the level of his younger days, but he’s in a bad mood a lot and will have outbursts and tell me he wants a divorce. He talks constantly about how miserable and depressed he is.
His dad is bipolar. And I’ve always felt he has some kind of mood disorder, but unlike bipolar his moods would shift very rapidly within a day or hours. When I read about BPD recently, all of the symptoms I read about sound like him: impulsive behavior, self sabotage, explosive anger, threatening suicide, black and white thinking, quickly shifting mood swings, lying, etc. There are other things he’s always struggled with that I don’t know if they are related to BPD or not: anxiety, depression, feeling worthless/shame/guilt, people pleasing, inability to stick to something/finish projects, inability to communicate in a healthy way/always turns things around on me/doesn’t accept responsibility, hard time apologizing. Fear of abandonment isn’t something I can speak to as I don’t know if he would admit that or is aware of it, but I assume in hindsight that his years of jealous behavior were possibly a result of that.
Does this seem like BPD? What can I do to get him help? He’s seeing a therapist, and we are trying to get back into couple’s counseling. I don’t think a therapist has ever brought BPD up to him. But I don’t know that he goes into therapy and talks about the negative ways he’s behaved in our relationship. I think he mostly talks about his anxiety and depression and, lately, substance abuse.
I’ve brought BPD up to him once, but he gets defensive and turns it around on me … “I think you have BPD, when are you going to get help for your problems, etc.” I really feel like the most problems he has with me are my response from me being traumatized by living with someone with this condition. How can I get him to acknowledge this is a possible explanation for what he’s been dealing with most of his life? Or if this isn’t BPD, what else could it be?
He has a lot of good qualities, genuinely cares about others, and is a good, patient dad. Doesn’t lose his cool with our toddler. I would hate to break up our family, but I’m at my wit’s end and need to figure out what to do in this situation.

For context, Me and my bf just found out we are expecting which was definitely a surprise. I have had both of my parents in my life and they are supportive and the type of parents who really care about how you present yourself and having mannerisms anywhere you go. As I get older the more I understand how key these things are. My bfs dad was never really in his life, and he solely just smokes a lot. His mom has had drug and alcohol problems. He is very bipolar with his relationship with her. he hates her one day then misses her another. which we see her so i’m not sure what’s going on with that. As i’m pregnant now i am really starting to see things in her and honestly that part of the family that i simply just don’t like and don’t want my kid to be around. as we were talking about baby names and as i am from the south i like southern names , elegant names. as i was saying then as she asked she cut me off and started joking “Oh hell nah we ain’t having none of that” - mind you more context ( Very hot cheeto girl) if you know what that is. and it just rubbed me the wrong way. She still showed me she still has a drug problem aswell. my boyfriend tells me he doesn’t care bc it’s our baby no one else’s. so he is supportive. but i haven’t told him that i honestly don’t want her around the baby much at all.
AITAH for not wanting my baby around her?

Struggling with gifts for 23 year old boyfriend-I need help!! Struggling with gifts for 23 year old boyfriend-I need help!!
Hello!! I generally love/am good at gift-giving, but this year I'm really struggling.
I'm truly stumped as to what to get my boyfriend as a birthday and anniversary gift.
For context: my boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years, he is turning 23 and still lives at his parents house (as he is planing to build his own). We share very similar interests, and because of that, we usually agree to get whatever piques our interest at that moment jointly (i.e., a Switch, a boardgame, a video game, etc.). Though it's nice quality-of-life-wise, it makes it so hard to pick a special gift for him because for the most part, he/we already has/have it!
Onto what he's actually into: - he works in a lab and likes sciences in general (especially chemistry and biology) - he likes gaming (on his switch e.g Pokemon, The Binding of Isaac but he doesnt really need anything for that) - he really enjoys board games (e.g Doomlings -but we mostly buy them together) - he likes museums - he likes lego (but he already gifted me some this year ) - he likes to read ( last year I got him lots of books to read already) - he likes riddles, crosswords etc. - he likes cooking ( but he doesn‘t own his own kitchen - so kitchen related things wouldn‘t make sense) - he doesn‘t like clutter (as he only has one room for his stuff and therefore there is not mich space for things) - he likes massages (but he regularly gets them from me) - he likes practical things - he likes nature - he likes to write poems - he is totally into vintage stuff - he's a creature of habit and basically like an old man haha
Onto what he dislikes: - car related things - clothing items or jewellery - puzzles - sports - PC related things - he already has new headphones, phone, phonecase etc - no concert tickets
I am so sorry for the wall of text, I am just truly stumped. I love this man to the ends of the earth and want him to feel special. Right now, my gifts just seem/feel so impersonal. Is there anything that y'all can recommend that might be the fix? Or maybe, something you've received in the past that just rocked your world opening up? Any and all advice is greatly, greatly appreciated!!!

So I posted on vent and someone thought my mama was a narcissist and google really isn’t that much help so I’m coming here. My mom is 48, she works a job she hates and she complains about it frequently. She likes to claim that she doesn’t but she does have anger issues and very minimal patience. Something very tiny that a normal person would be annoyed, she’s furious. She yells sometimes and is critical of everything I do. She used to be ten times worse before Covid when I was 10-11-12-13.
EVERYTHING was an issue. And I would be yelled at for it because of course I did something wrong. I always messed something up. But she’s still a multi faceted person. I was being bullied at the time she was yelling at me constantly. I virtually had no friends, a bully on the bus, and a bully at home. One day she took me in the bathroom and kept asking what was wrong and I wouldn’t tell her, but of course she made me. I told her and she felt very guilty recognizing that I had nowhere to feel safe, I cried in front of that mirror for two hours. I remember I couldn’t even look up at myself because I hated that stupid fucking face so much. I turned all those negative comments in on myself and harbored so much self hatred. I had kept this from everyone for two years. I think after that she noticeably laid off and stopped yelling as much. That was one of the rare moments she was apologetic to me.
Now in present day she’s said a lot of crazy stuff. I said this vent but she said quite literally yesterday, that God told her before I was born that she would have to teach me everything and I would be a very hard child and I am. And that’s what she deserves for “laying with somebody before marriage”. I also have eczema and she thinks that a punishment from God too. She’s told me also out of nowhere she doesn’t think she did a good job raising me. To my face. To her 15 year old. Of course that crushed me! But later she said she meant that about herself not about me. This is why I think she might be a narcissist. Because who says something like that and doesn’t consider how that directly hurts the person you’re talking to??
And keep in mind I’m a good kid, not a great kid, but good. I have a 3.7 gpa, good plans for college, friends, involved in art orgs, I don’t do drugs alcohol sex, she won’t let me date so I don’t have a boyfriend. I’m bi, but of course for her I’m not. I know these things don’t make me a good person, but it’s not like I’m a bad kid. 70% of the time I do what I’m supposed to.
I really don’t think my mom is a narcissist, mainly because then I’d have to deal with a narcissist. She might be bipolar but I’m coming to you guys with first hand experience so let me know. Also if you don’t have enough information on her behavior I can’t tell you more on that too. Thank you for reading.

Hi, I recently survived a 60mg adderall overdose and it was rough. My body was buzzing. My limbs, neck, and face were somewhat numb with a tingling sensation. My heart rate was irregular and fast, and my blood pressure surged to 200/80, and if it werent for my med intern boyfriend I think I would've died in our room.
I saw him panicking, his leg was bouncing while he wrote a prescription to combat my hypertension and tachychardia. But I was calm, peaceful in fact.
I was rushed into the E.R and was given meds for my palpitations while my body fought the overdose alone. It was uncomfortable. I was reminded how I hated the hospital, and how I hated needles.
But now that Im at home, the guilt I am feeling is not bcoz I did it but bcoz death wasnt fast enough. Our body was more resilient that I thought.
I know I am broken, and the courage and strength my friends have seen in me is just a facade.
I just wanted this out of my chest bcoz I cant tell this to my bestfriend or my friends.
Also, a psychiatrist diagnosed me with chronic depression and bipolar 1. Hahaha I was never normal after all. God gave me a hard settings in life.

I’m really stuck between a few but won’t say what they are to avoid bias. I’ve tried to be as in depth as possible here.
Here ya go:
Melancholy, imaginative, creative, playful, daydreamy, naive, desperate for ideas and experiences, I LOVE planning things…. but the idea is always more fun than executing the plan. Refusal to grow up and settle down and be boring… yet longing to have what they have…security, safety, a group to belong to, fun friends, the elite “in crowd”.
The world is full of beauty and wonder! My imagination is my playground. There are so many wonderful things to see and do, tiny magic everywhere! But it’s so sad at the same time. I wish I could only have the beautiful bits. Why do I have to feel sad so often? Bipolar emotions, mood swings, this sense of “life is so unfair, I just want to feel joyful all the time”. I swing between extreme optimism and extreme pessimism.
Easily enchanted by everything. I find meaning in cloud patterns and angel numbers. A bit spiritual and very identity seeking. Everything must have a meaning. Constantly exploring myself and my inner workings. I can be very cerebral, trapped in my own head and thoughts. Too much longing and envy…. “I’d be so happy if only I had whatever THAT person has!” and then the determination to acquire it for myself.
For some reason, identity and image is so important to me. I get very offended when people misinterpret who I am as a person, or assume that I like a band/artist/movie when I really hate it… a feeling of “how dare you associate me with regular folk who like that stuff”. It’s a childish reaction I guess, but this is the warts and all of my personality.
Yearning to belong to a cool, artsy, intellectually stimulating and fun group of people, a chosen family. Always needing others approval and admiration. Always feeling outside the group and so different to everyone around me. Desperate to belong to the crowd but often too intimidated and insecure to try and join. “I’ll never find my people or my place in this world”. Wanting to be individualistic but only within a group.
How I interact with people: I need another person around to encourage me to be social in new situations, otherwise I can be very withdrawn. Extroverted introvert, but once I get talking I can’t stop. Very picky with what I like in a person, social snob, prefers artsy and interesting people, hates negative, shallow or “fake” people. My mind is very agile, constant puns and wordplay, trying to please the crowd and make them laugh but also secretly outsmart my opponent in being the “funniest” in the room.
As a child I was hyperactive, talkative, stubborn, independent and imaginative at home, deeply shy and mute at school, felt emotions extremely strongly. Always writing poems and stories to escape from how misunderstood I felt. Grew up thinking something was deeply wrong with me. Honestly, I had a very difficult turbulent childhood because of my parents, but I’ve noticed that sometimes I weirdly try and “reframe” it to be beautiful and rosy.
I look after myself first and other people second…. because I was taught that nobody would care for me as a child, and I had to fend for myself by playing in my imagination and creating stories. I am my own best friend. I am my own parent, because I had to be.
I’m at my happiest when I’m planning, getting excited about new ideas, researching places to travel to and new hobbies and crafts to take up. God knows I won’t actually ever do half of them, but the idea stage is the most fun.
Negative aspects of myself: dramatic, hyper-reactive, deeply emotional, withdrawn, too greedy for new things and ideas, moody, insecure, depressive, self-hating. I want to be seen as cool and unique so badly. My image on social media is tailored to be aesthetically pleasing and unique. Other people must think my life is beautiful and a big romantic adventure.
I experience shame very intensely, which makes me think I could be in the heart triad. Shame about my lack of “traditional” accomplishments, shame about not being impressive to family members because they don’t accept me, shame about who I am fundamentally as a person. When I’m feeling extremely down, I will often say things like “I’m so shameful” and “I’m such a failure” and I truly hate myself for not being a “good” person deserving of love. I am inherently unworthy and bad and shameful.
Deep down I feel that… I’m just such a freak. I’m broken and weird and people can tell there’s something wrong with me. I don’t fit in and everyone can tell. I don’t really belong anywhere, even amongst people who think they know me best. Nobody really knows me. Maybe I don’t want anyone to know me? I’m very comfortable with myself and my own company, sometimes too stuck in my head.
I have new hobbies every week which I then immediately drop for something more exciting, and the pattern repeats. Mental liberation is more fun than physical liberation. Verbal sparring and intellectual debates are very fun to me.
I’m prone to extreme depressive episodes. I’m always feeling outcast and different. I can be very melancholy and depressed. I hibernate from life when I’m miserable because I can’t stand anything to be infected with sadness... I can’t stand to experience the world when I’m depressed. I rip out diary entries I wrote when I was sad because I don’t want the sadness to be a part of my larger story of life and infect me. I don’t want to remember it. My diary is only allowed to be full of joy. Fully indulging in pain is good though because it purges it. I never bottle up my emotions. I never hide them, not ever. I wear my heart on my sleeve all the time. I’m extremely in touch with my emotions. They’re my compass, my guide, my everything. But sometimes they’re so painful that after they pass I have to erase them from my memory and my diaries.
I’m extremely harsh on myself. “I’m not doing enough, I’m useless, I’m so unloveable because I can’t be like everyone else… but I don’t want to be like everyone else!” sense of inner confusion, push/pull of identity. I can be very security seeking but in denial of it, because I want to be perceived as a free spirit but deep down I need people.
When stressed, I become a workaholic perfectionist, snappy, irritable, hyperfocussed, making quick decisions, working myself into the ground. I have to be impressive. I have to be worth something. I have to be worthy of love, or I don’t deserve to live.
More than anything I want a life full of freedom, creativity and beautiful experiences and people. I want peace. I want to be part of the in crowd. I want to belong to a chosen family who see me for who I am and love me. I want to be worthy of love, full stop.
If you’ve read this far, thank you! Now please evaluate my soul and tell me who I am

Hi, I've been crying my heart out tonight and I'd like some help to understand if I might be making the biggest mistake of my life or if I'm in a relationship that is not going to work out in the long run. Sorry english is not my first language.
I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years now. We are crazy in love, each year it seems that our love for each other grows fonder. He understands me so much in my past trauma (becoming an orphan young) and does so many things for me. We share a house and have a dog and we've been talking about getting married.
I know he loves me, but since the beginning our fight have been very intense. I'm not used to fight and I dislike confrontations, but when something escalates I either tend to get pretty angry myself or try to deescalate by apologizing profusely, and talking in the calmest way I can. These fights had calmed down for some years but lately we have been fighting quite a lot about many things (him not wanting to meet friends from my home country, him not feeling like I supported him enough when stressed about our dog being sick, for example). He has troubles talking about his feelings (and if I'm honest he is much better now and has worked a lot to change that), but I feel he tends to be dismissive and get defensive when I talk about things that make me feel sad or angry.
As I hate confrontations, I tend to struggle a lot on how to talk about things that make me sad or angry, because I feel a fight is going to occur. So when something happens that I dislike I tend to bottle up for like an hour or two and if I feel like it's something not worth it I let it go, but if I feel like it's important I bring it up. The thing is that he gets angry that I get moody and I'm not able to just talk about it with him (even when he asks if I'm ok), which I understand I have to work on, but at the same time I feel very anxious about how to talk about it without it escalating.
I'm honestly exhausted about this pattern, I just want to talk things calmly of try to work it as a team. He tells me he wants the same but that it's my fault that I get moody and that then I try to make him feel bad telling him it's a problem he has with communication instead of just owning my mistakes. That I pick up fights. It makes me feel crazy because I don't think I do. I know I have to work on my communication skills but I thin that most times when a couple fights it's a matter of two? Maybe I'm in the wrong.
I am so sad lately, I have told him many times I don't like the way we fight but he takes it as that I'm making a big deal out of nothing and that our relationship is great (everything else is great, honestly). But I think I cannot spend my life with someone I cannot communicate with when there's a problem between the two. Everything else I can talk with him and I genuinely feel supported and heard, so maybe it's a thing that is my problem? I know we each have our visions on things but I honestly these fights have been so reoccurring lately I feel I cannot keep circling around the same things over and over again, and neither of us feel heard. We have talked so many times about what can we do better next time and at the end we end up compromising and happy but I feel like each week lately we end up in the same spot with nothing resolved. I feel like going crazy and sometimes I have even felt like I am bipolar or something.
The thing is that I asked him if he was willing to go to therapy with me or at least read some relationship books and he basically told me if I have such a problem talking to him that I need any of these we should break up. This is a breaking point for me because I feel like I never ask him anything crazy, and if he asked me to do any of this things I would happily do so. I feel like he just blames me for this and thinks I should work on myself. I now I can just forget about this, say I'm sorry, and pick my 'fights' better but I don't know if that's the healthy way to do so? I really love this guy and I'm scared I might lose my person because I have something wrong with me and I'm not stable or healthy enough to just do better. I cry everytime I think about losing him, I want to spend my life with him and I feel very loved but at the same time I'm so exhausted and I feel so much resentment because I feel like I'm the one that ends up taking the blame (he apologises sometimes, but most times he feels he doesn't have to apologize and it takes a toll on me).
Has anyone has this experience? Is this normal in a long relationship? Can this be resolved? I'm desperate to work it out.
TL;DR! I am very upset and need advice about my six-year relationship. I love my boyfriend a lot, and he supports me, understands my past trauma, and shares a house and a dog with me. But we have intense, recurring fights because he doesn’t like to talk about his feelings, and I hate confrontation. These fights had calmed down, but recently they have become more frequent and severe, making me anxious and tired. I feel blamed for our communication problems and am frustrated that he refuses therapy or relationship books, even though I want us to find better ways to resolve conflicts. I love him deeply but don’t know if I can stay in a relationship where I don’t feel heard. I am desperate for advice on whether this is normal and if my relationship can be saved.

context - i was bullied from 7th grade to 12th grade - my mother is very toxic to my father and me (she is bipolar and had an absent mother and father growing up) - my sister is a decade older than me - i have been cheated on in every past relationship i have been in
i just wanna know why i take everything so personally. i take everything that anyone says and feel like it’s an attack on me and the relationship i have with them is fake
my best friend of over five years will respond a certain way and until i talk with her about it i will feel like she’s frustrated with me and i’ll be anxious that she’s going to tell me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore
my boyfriend of over three years will not want to spoon and i take it personally. i feel like he doesn’t want to spoon because he doesn’t like me anymore or he’s just not into me anymore. i don’t understand why i think this because we’ve been together for so long that i shouldn’t even think that but i do. there are other examples that i just can’t think of right now but when something like that happens i just get so annoyed. it’s not annoyed like angry but my feelings are hurt and i turn away and just ignore him until i cool off. i hate doing this especially because he’s my boyfriend and i shouldn’t have to “cool off” because he doesn’t want to spoon
also the other question i have is why i have the after effect of taking everything personally. meaning not only do i take things personally but i also have an emotional response (getting anxious, getting annoyed, getting frustrated, getting sad, etc)
finally not only do i want to know why but also how to help myself get out of this toxic and irrational mindset. my best friend has been friends with me for over five years (we’ve had our share of fights and she has never told me she doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore) my boyfriend and i have been together for over three years and he has never told me that he has lost interest or doesn’t find me attractive anymore or anything remotely relative to that subject at all